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D.C. Area Babies
QOTD: Wednesday
Let's talk about moms.
How is your parenting like your mom's, in a good way? What are some mothering traits that you think you got from her?
How is it like it in a bad way? What have you caught yourself doing that you dislike or what do you really, really not want to do?
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Re: QOTD: Wednesday
The good: My mom was big on creative play and I think we've encouraged C to do that as well. Play doh, sidewalk chalk and cardboard boxes reign supreme in our house. The things with batteries tend to live on shelves.
The bad: This is what made me think of the question, actually. Last night, I was at the end of my rope with C and found myself yelling at him, which gave me flashbacks. My mom had quite a temper and I really, really don't want to interact with C that way. I need to work better at redirecting him when he's throwing a fit, rather than trying to yell louder than he is.
Good: She is very patient and giving. I think I am like that too
She really put me and my sister in the forefront of her life and I try to do that with ds.
The Bad: Sometimes too much of a pushover. She also often got my Dad for discipline. Guilty and guilty
good: My mom was very supportive of whatever i wanted to do even if she didn't particularly understand or agree with it. I try to nurture sprout's interests too even if I find them really dull (construction equipment anyone?)
bad: my mom made boundaries pretty clear so I feel like I knew where I stood, but this meant she was very strict. I struggle with letting sprout make his own mistakes & not just being "No No No" all the time.
In a good way: I try to encourage J's interests, and be active with him. My mom was only 22 when I was born (!) so she was always playing with us, running around, and I want to be fun like that with J and future kids.
In a bad way: Huh. I think the issues I had with my mom started when I get a little older--she had some weird strict rules about when I could do certain things (wear makeup, shave) and made me participate in activities that I didn't like but she did (4-H, t-ball).
TTC #2: BFP 12/17/11, m/c 1/7/12 and D&C 1/12/12
baby blog/cooking blog
Good: she was an art teacher so she kept us involved in art, music and dance and I am encouraging that with DD too.
Bad: she took us everywhere (not like fun places but visiting fifth cousins in the middle of nowhere where we were bored to tears) and I am not doing that with DD. Also, she forced church.
The good: My mom read to me every day and definitely instilled a love of books and reading/learning in me. I also read to M every day, and he loves his books. I hope he ends up loving to read as much as I do.
The bad: My mom had some fairly strict rules/expectations about minor things that she insisted upon, and eventually I started lying to her just so she'd shut up about them (I started this at a fairly young age, like elementary school). This hasn't come up yet with M, but I'm hoping to be more open-minded and let more of the little things go instead of creating a battle over them.
Good stuff: Great listener, big on contributing to the community with time and/or money--I want to instill that in my kids, not crazy strict, but lots of guidance to keep me going in (mostly) the right direction
Not as good: A tendency to be slightly passive aggressive and not as clear about what she's thinking or expecting, so it can be hard to figure out what she wants or how she feels about something. I definitely do that, though I try not to. She can also hang on to frustrations for a long time--she has a hard time moving on and letting go.
The good: My mom was crafty and liked to cook so those things in me definitely come from her. She also made the holidays so special even when we had no money - she always saved up all year long so we could have great Christmas and she decorated out the wazoo and dinner was always fabulous. I really want the girls to remember the special times like that too.
The bad: I don't think I emulate any of my mom's bad traits because we are just two totally different personality types. She had a terrible temper and punished us over the littlest things and was so inconsistent it was very confusing as a child. Like WnW I lied a lot to cover up stuff because I knew she would flip out. She was also a hitter and we will never do that in our house. Once I flipped out on the kids in the bathtub, they were little and both were screaming crying and DH had been working mids so I had been on bath/bedtime duty for months all by myself it was just my breaking point and I yelled at them to Shut the hell up - seriously I think it was my worst parenting moment so far but it definitely reminded me of my mom and how she would treat us as kids (but all the time). I followed it up though with apologies to my kids (Molly was too little to get it, she just stopped crying because someone else started yelling, but Maggie called me mommy monster which made me cry), which is something my mom would not have done in a thousand years.
1. She eBFed my sister and me for a year; she was a working Mom and I knew growing up that both men and women worked and both did the housework/cooking. I too am a working Mom and we split the housework (although I do think I do more, as it seems most Moms do, including mine).
2. We went everywhere w/ my parents and my parents never went anywhere w/out us. I hope to have some kid-free vacations. I think it's very important to a marriage.
I find myself yelling at the kids, which is bad and I am trying really hard not to do it and remind myself that they are still very very little. I think I am a strict Mom and I am trying to let go a little. We also did not grow up with a lot of hugs/kisses, and I don't think I ever heard "I love you" (I think it's a cultural thing, maybe the same with WnW; I don't know any other culture outside the U.S. that is so into "I love yous.") I also did not grow up telling my Mom everything, we have always had a good relationship but not the super-close-mother-daughter-relationship others have and that I hope to have with DD, I hope she grows up knowing she can tell me absolutely everything and anything (I did not grow up sharing with my Mom). I think this will be my biggest challenge as a Mom to a daughter - fostering a close relationship that lasts our whole lives, even through the teenage years.
The Good: My mom was heavily involved in the community, always took an active interest in our interests and let us have a lot of independence. She's also very pragmatic and for the mot part, a type B personality. Those are all of the good traits I've inherited from her, although since having DD I've taken a few steps back in community involvement, I have no doubt I will step that back up when DD begins school.
The Bad: My mom has staunchly held beliefs that she is willing to debate (now as adults) but as kids we were made to accept as fact or risk hours of lecturing. I seriously hope I am more open minded with my children and more willing to listen to them before lecturing. While my mom did not yell often, when she lost her temper, she really lost her temper. I too am really even keeled until I hit my breaking point. I haven't done it yet with the kids, I have with DH and it really does appear to come out of nowhere. I hope I can learn to articulate and manage my frustration better. Because my mom was a SAHM, she really was the predominant parenting parent. I find myself struggling to share that equally with DH sometimes, even when I ask him to step up.
The good: My mom is a very independent person and I admire that a lot. I hope to instill that sense of independence and strength in DD so she can be her own person and feel like she can do whatever she sets her mind to and not depend on others to get her there. Of course, I will be there as much as she would like me to and help her in any way I can or find appropriate, but I am the person I am today because my mom showed me I was a strong person and capable of many things. She also encouraged all my interests but insisted on two things - I had to one physical activity (for me, ice skating) and something musical. Playing an instrument and ice skating were the two things I stuck with through high school and part of college and I think it was extremely beneficial. I hope to encourage DD to do the same.
The bad: On the same note, I also think she allowed me too much independence in certain things, especially as I got older. She worked two jobs and I was a latchkey kid at a fairly young age. I do feel like she put her life ahead of mine in a lot of ways, probably because I was pretty independent and didn't need her much. But I think it was deceiving and I think I could've used more of her guidance. I hope to be a little more involved in DD's life and possibly even more strict. It's a fine line to walk, given what other posters have said about their parents being too strict.