If you're in a good mood, skip this post. (funeral talk)
DavezWife
member
Sorry, I've REALLY been struggling with what I (we) want the past few days, and I feel like we need to make some decisions here, soon. (we don't HAVE to, but I feel we should)
WWYD about a funeral/service/memorial for Cricket, if that's what it comes to?
Scenarios are: demise in utero, demise shortly at/after birth, lives for a short time (either hospital and/or home) and then passes.... or surprises the heck out of everyone, in which case we don't need to be talking about such morbid things!
We're pretty sure we're choosing cremation. Burial just doesn't sit right with me, which is odd, everyone I've loved and lost has been buried.
I worry about having a big formal funeral b/c a) I'll have a brand new baby in tow. (I WILL, damnit!) Germs, tiny new baby, lots of people... can't leave her home/behind... it's her twin. Dealing with Ava, my husband, my mother who's certainly prone to dramatics and making scenes.... it just seems like a recipe for disaster. I worry there will be 11 people there. That no number of attendants would be "good enough". I don't want to be the grieving mother in black. I want both babies. I want his life "celebrated" and well, there's nothing more sad than a baby that's died.
A simple memorial service seems more acceptable to me, it gives A something to hold onto, as she gets older and understands this all more. (Child Life peeps say she needs something) and just a little more short-n-sweet. And let's face it, a lot less money. The idea of spending $10K on a formal funeral just seems... I don't know. To each their own. Plus I think this is all so dependent on what stage he passes. IF he passes away. BUT... I don't want to pick out music. I don't want to listen to some pastor/clergy quote scriptures about my kid. I don't want to get up and speak, and I don't want some pony show.
What does DH want? nothing. he has opinions on none of this. Of course, he's doing the "head in the sand" approach with the entire thing. poor dude.
Got any alternative ideas? Any suggestions? I asked this on the Loss board a while back, but it was such a different audience. You guys "know" me, and this situation better. Sorry to bring up this morbid topic, but if you can help, I'd sure like to talk this out. thx.
Signed,
I still think he's going to surprise us somehow, and this discussion is "moot"
Re: If you're in a good mood, skip this post. (funeral talk)
"I have four children. Two are adopted. I forget which two. -Bob Constantine
"All for Love,' a Saviour prayed 'Abba Father have Your way. Though they know not what they do...Let the Cross draw men to You...."
Hello? Cricket's Cadence, lol. ;-)
If it is necessary (hoping it isn't), I picture nature, spring, family, sunset. A place to take pictures as the kids grow, a place to celebrate, a place to visit. Not a cemetery, not necessarily a tree planted in his honor, but a place.
Maybe a few words, maybe a poem, maybe no words, maybe just all of you there.
I really hope you don't have to, but I think if it happens you will know what is right for you.
We had a small funeral mass (we are Catholic). We had it in the chapel in our church as opposed to the big church. Just family. It was hard because I told my best friends they could not come, and I am closer to them than most of my family. I felt that if I invited friends than where do you stop in telling people they can't come. I just did not want hoards of people, I did not want to have to thank people for coming nor feel obligated to do a luncheon. I also had a baby still in the NICU and wanted to go be with him after the mass.
We had Nessa cremated, mostly because I could not deal with the logistics of anything else at that time. We live in a different state than all of my family and we hope to move back in a few years. I did not want her left behind nor did I want to deal with having her buried in another state. We will probably bury her ashes with whoever is the next closest relative to pass away.
This is one of those things that you have to do what is right for you and really not worry about what anyone else thinks. There is no right or wrong. I will also say just as an FYI that are funeral home waved all fees for us. Granted we did have a service or viewing there, but all the trasportation and cremation fees were taken care of. They said the tend to do this for infants.
I know you like to plan, but this may be something you have to wait and see how your gut feels.
no worries, the whole topic stinks, lol.
I think we'll keep them at home in a special place (in an urn) until the right place comes along. IF it comes along. I don't think I'm the type to "display" things like that, more of a "memorial box" kinda gal, but who knows. I'm still not ready to really embrace the idea this is a likely scenario, I guess. But yeh, I GOTS' ta plan! lol. I thought about sending some along with my parents when they go to Ireland in the spring... not sure about that, but it's a thought that crossed my mind. I'd rather take them myself, and we know we'll be in europe in 2014 for sure. (10 yr anniversary vow, lol, we're going back to where D propsed in Bellagio, Lake Como)
I would do a very small memorial service for the reasons you mentioned. That's what we would have done if we'd had known in advance about the Doodles (and I still regret not doing so and almost didn't even get their ashes because I wasn't in the frame of mind to make those types of decisions at the time we were forced to).
I've seen some on blogs of those who've lost babies in late pregnancy/at birth that did things like plant a tree in their yard and have family and friends come and be there when they do the planting/dedicate the tree (only works if you're at your forever home or woudl be ok leaving it), things like that.
(((HUGS)))
If I was in your shoes, I think I would want to do something small with just my immediate family (as in the people living under the same roof as me). I have organized two big funerals in my life and they tend to take on this huge event status by the time it all happens.
Also, we cremated both of my parents and then buried them together. We held onto my Dad's ashes in the years between. My Dad's urn was a nice wooden box (think more craftsman than baroque). When we had to pick out an urn for my Mom, we chose one that looks like a picture frame. There is a matted frame on the front, and the back is a shallow box that holds the ashes. I am only mentioning that because there are several more options now than to have an "urn looking urn" if you know what I mean.
I am very sorry that you have to worry about any of this.
Perfectly said. Just praying for strength and guidance for you during this time.
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DE IVF#1 Aug 2010 - BFN
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Also, as far as cremation - that was what we did and I'm glad we made that choice. For now, we keep them with us in a small heart shaped urn made of paper/fabric (hard to describe but it's very simple which we liked). It's in our closet next to their box with all of their mementos, memory boxes and the like. Someday we will probably bury it, maybe when DH or I pass we will bury them with us, but for now we like keeping them with us.
I'm so sorry you have to be thinking about all of this. I'm happy to chat any time you want to, but above all else, I'm hoping ALL of this discussion is moot!!!
This:
And this:
Except we were so not in a frame of mind to make decisions that we didn't take our twins' ashes. . . which I regret.
And which probably makes a place even more important to me. (Incidentally, our
"place" is with the trees that the SAIF ladies planted. They're perfect because they're at a park rather than our home, since I know this isn't our forever home.)
But, even if we did have their ashes, I think a place is still important. We go and take picnics, and take DS and DD, and take pictures. . . it's a way of "being" with them.
As for the service. . . I don't know. My mom's own trend toward the dramatic kept me from doing several things when our twins died. I just didn't want to deal with her and her whatever, this was about DH and I and our babies, kwim? (I actually told her this a while ago and she was beyond offended, don't I trust her, blah blah blah. Fact of the matter is - I don't! Sad but true.)
I don't know. . . on one hand, I hate that possibly I let her "take" something from us that we wanted to do. On the other hand, I'm glad we made the decisions we did because I know the reality wouldn't have been the calm, peaceful scene I would have wanted, if that makes sense.
Thinking of you . ..
If it were me, I would do a small ceremony in the hospital chapel (if something happens while in the hospital). I would keep it to immediate family (like pp said 'those that live under your roof) and I would do it as soon as possible so you aren't thinking about it. If it happens after he leaves the hospital, I would still do a very small ceremony of some kind. If you are religous, maybe a couple of readings at a church or if not so much.. maybe a couple of readings in a park with just your immediate family. You aren't going to be in a place physically or mentally to coordinate a funeral or large event with all the people that would want to support you at that time. Of COURSE, we all are praying that none of this will need to even be considered.
If you still feel the need for some closure and/or if people are asking you if there will be a service, maybe you could donate a brick at a local playground or bench at a park in his name and have everyone meet there sometime in the summer when you are in a better place physically/emotionally. Or maybe if you have a lot of local connections and people want to come together you could do an annual 5K in his name this summer (goes good with the "candence" theme). I like this idea because your kids could look forward to this each year as a way to celebrate their brother. Proceeds could go to a scholarship for a student going to nursing school or a donation to the hospice group, etc. And t-shirts for everyone with your logo to help spread his name and purpose!
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(vanished twin ~7 weeks)
If it were me and I had time to make the choice, I would most likely put off doing anything. IF he passed soonish (and I hope he doesn't) and Lucky wasn't home yet or you were not recovered yet I would have him cremated and get his ashes in a very sturdy wood box. I'd keep the box at home.
I think in terms of a service or spot, I'd wait until an anniversary or birthday and then scatter some of them some place meaningful with just DH and his sisters. But maybe that isn't immediate enough to satisfy the need to do something symbolic for A?
Good suggestions, everyone, thank you!! I like Furk's idea of waiting to do something down the road a little bit. A huge fear of mine is what's going to happen to my sanity after the dust settles. It's always been SUPER hard for me to get up off the couch and re-join the "real" world when all I really want to do is sit in my jammies and cry. And that was "just" for (mostly) early miscarriages. Having something to kinda plan and have set aside might help. I think it might help A to wait a bit, too. As she processes it all.
You ladies are wonderful. And 'm sorry anyone knows 1st hand about this stuff. Thank you.
This is what I had in my mind, too. Something quiet, something intimate, just full of love. so sorry you have to do any of this, T.
and I also agree with the idea of waiting to decide where you want to keep the ashes. You may find comfort in having them at home with you, being able to move him with you if/when you guys move. Or you may find a special place where you go as a family where you think of him, that feels "right." I don't know. But I think any decision where you give yourselves MORE time to figure out what you'd like to do is a good thing.
Because we're fancy like that.
My dad died two weeks before my EDD with DS1. It was a surprise to us, we didn't even get the cancer diagnosis until the day after he died. So we threw together a memorial service, which was hard because he wasn't religious and the rest of us are Catholic. He was cremated, but we had a viewing first because he died overnight in the hospital and my mom wanted to see him to say goodbye. We buried his ashes at the beach in his favorite surfing spot on the one year anniversary of his death.
I think if you were to wait until the one year anniversary to have a memorial it would be a lot easier for you than with the newborn; my son was able to crawl around in the sand. I could focus more on myself and my grief then rather than focusing on him. And the pain was not as intense. It still totally sucked, but the passage of time helped slightly. It might be easier for you to deal with the grief, condolences of other people by then too.
Would you be keeping the ashes or would you have them inurned/interned? After my dad died, and a series of other people I knew died, we bought two funeral plots. I always wanted to be cremated, but with all my encounters with death, I changed my mind and felt more comfortable with being in a cemetery. In my plot you can have two sets of remains if they are cremated. Just a thought in case you might want to have a headstone for you and your son next to a headstone for your husband. I know there are also sections just for babies at some cemeteries. I'd rather have my baby with me though I think.
Can you speak with your clergy person and have something private with just you, your H and your children?
I would go with the simple memorial for family only.
With our twins we chose cremation since we were living away from home and knew that we wanted to have them with us. We picked out a jewelry box for their ashes and had it engraved with their names that we have in our bedroom.
We offered a mass for them (we are Catholic) but I could not go-DH and our mom's went (it was in Boston away from family) since I was too angry and upset to go. I'm okay with that, and DH was okay with going since he needed the closure.
This. I think if the worst happens you will need to take some time to concentrate on your family. My thought was instead off marking a year from his death which could put a damper on Lucky's birthday, pick another special day to devote to him, maybe the day he was conceived?
When my girlfriend lost her baby (27 weeker who lived for 2 days), she did a memorial service in her home. Just us close friends and family were there. She read a few poems and listened to her favorite version of Amazing Grace (her daughter's middle name was Grace). There were tears, but it was so intimate. It just felt right. She has her daughter's ashes in a tiny jewelry box and keeps her pictures close. She also wears a necklace with her little handprint on it (shrunk down and engraved into the metal).
I think something like this would be right for you...
My heart breaks that you even have to think of this. It is so extremely difficult and I am praying for Cricket.
I think small and intimate is best (if there is even a "best" in this situation). Maybe just you, DH and the girls.
((hugs)) Sending lots of prayers for your family.
I echo what those before have said - that I wish and hope and pray for you and your family that this will not be a decision you have to make.
But, if it is a decision that must be made, and if it were me, I would want a small gathering (very small). I would want it at one of our favorite family spots (NOT a cemetary). I would want to read a few of my favorite verses/poems and hear a few songs that uplift my heart. I would opt for cremation, and I would want the ashes kept with me until I was 100% certain of wanting them somewhere else. As I'm typing this, I'm realizing that everything I would want for celebrating my child is exactly what I hope that people will do for me when I am gone. Now I'm having an "aha moment".
Maybe you can look at it from the standpoint of what are some of the ways you'd like to be celebrated. What things are important to you, your DH, and Ava? Chances are, they will be representative of what would be healing and appropriate for your family as you make plans to celebrate Cricket.
In the meantime, continued prayers!
This is what I was thinking too. Something at home, very simple and just about love and family. My friends did this and then later planted a tree in their son's name at a park where their family and other sons liked to play.
Thinking of you!
I am still praying this little dude surprises us all, but if needed I think you should do cremation with a small memorial outdoors, immediate family only. Maybe your favorite park, field etc. Maybe let Ava release a balloon, butterfly, or as odd as it may sound a cricket? I think it would mean a lot to her to have a special part in his memorial. I like the idea of planting a tree in his memory, we will be planting something this spring in memory of our losses.
((Hugs)) Mama, this is crappy to have to think about all this.
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After 4yrs, 5 IUI's, 2 IVF's, 2 FET's, PGD, and 5 losses our little miracle is finally here!
I haven't read any other responses yet, but I will give you my take. We did not have a funeral for my son and I REGRET it more than I ever thought I would. Our situation was completely different and we were shocked and making decisions on a whim, but both my husband and I regret not doing something more formal. Your sweet boy (IF you happen to lose him) will be older than Gregory was and is a big part of your family, so I would try to make sure you do something. We had a tiny memorial service with our closest family in the hospital. It was short. Too short. Everyone held him, said goodbye and then that was it. When I got home and read blogs and met people who did much more, I was so upset that we didn't make the right decision and still think about it years later.
I totally understand your logistics being tough because you will have a new baby, and everything else you listed, but I don't want you to have regrets. If you do happen to have a memorial service and/or funeral, I did learn quite a few nice ways to honor the babies that I'd be happy to share with you if you need.
I'm glad you are thinking about this now because you have the chance to really weigh in every factor, but I agree with you that this will all be a moot point in the long run!
Also, now that I have read other responses, the funeral I regret having is more about the formality and not the people. I have been to a funeral for a cousin who died during childbirth. There were maybe 25 people there at the cemetary. I don't mean that I would suggest having hundreds of people around, but that planning something formal would be important to me.
I also think everyone mourns differently and it really depends on your style what you would be comfortable with. We have an angel garden in town for babies lost through miscarriage, stillbirth and infancy. Our family donated money and got a brick with Gregory's memorial info on it. It is a peaceful place we go to on his birthday, Mother's day, etc. You might want to look into seeing if you have something close by with the same options.
Is there a park closeby that you frequent? I'd get and dedicate a bench. I imagine you going there with your girls, sitting on the bench watching them, with Cricket's spirit sitting right there next to you. And when you're not there playing, Cricket can sit and watch the children, and watch over them too. He is a guardian angel, and can keep the kids safe (if you ask me!).
The would be totally separate from something religious, which I think you should do if you're into that. Something with the ashes... but this is for his spirit. And yours.