D.C. Area Babies
On a semi-related note...
In response to all the echos of "being a mom is HARD" comments, when I had C a lot of people asked if I was going to be a "working mom" but no one asked if DH was going to be a "working dad". What gives?! I feel like this concept is what introduces the unequal division of labor between parents.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: On a semi-related note...
Absolutely. My DH was always annoyed that he only got comments about how I was doing and if I was tired and nothing for him. He does follow that up with that he knows I was the one who gave birth but he thought his own friends and family might ask about him as well.
Also at work, the lack of time off for new dads in most places does not encourage family time and paternal involvement. By the time I went back to work everyone was just used to me doing it all and not much changed for DH when I went back to work. Partially my fault for not pushing the issue but also DH did not all of a sudden step up and point out the unfairness in the situation and work to rectify it. He used to say that I needed to ask for more help while I told him he was an adult who could do things if he truly wanted to help.
On top of all that I think that dads sometimes do get a bad media rap - like the commercials or shows that do not show them as competent parents, but bumbling idiots when mom isn't around. Although I don't appreciate the mom stereotypes either, especially the nagging stereotype.
While my DH is generally wonderful and very good about taking care of LO equitably, I am still a little perturbed at how I got up at night with LO when I was on mat leave because he was working and needed his sleep, and then I got up with LO at night when I was working because he was home with him during the day and needed the extra rest?!
But I was always really saddened that people were so shocked that DH stayed home with LO for several months. We were so lucky to have the option, and I know it's not the norm, but people really looked at him kind of oddly.
I will say that I am sometimes guilty of this, too. DH had the opportunity to take another job that would pay a fair amount more (15% increase or so), but would lack his current flexible hours. Basically he'd have a 9-5 schedule. After a lot of deliberation, he turned it down because he would rather have the flexibility. I was part of the conversation, of course, but I was kind of surprised that he prioritized it that way. I don't know that I would have, to be honest.
We didn't get it too often, but I think anyone who knew what I did and where I worked was fairly certain that I wasn't in a position to be the sole breadwinner for the family.
So it was a no brainer that DH would be working. But you are exactly right. Just because mom works doesn't mean dad doesn't do any baby duty when they are home!
I think my DH actually probably got a better deal with me being a SAHM/WAHM than being a WOHM because I still do most of the baby duty in the evenings once he's home. I have a feeling that if I continued to work outside the house, it would be a very different scenario with baby duty.
i think it took me breaking down for DH to realize what an enormous chore it is to be the main care provider for another human being. from little things like preparing lunches for DCP to making sure LO is fed/bathed/put to bed appropriately to big things like replacing the car seat when it's time and always being the one expected to take off work when LO is sick or needs to go to the doctor. i swear there was a period that if i didn't say it was time to feed LO or put him to bed, it would never happen. but when he got it, he really stepped up.
so much attention is focused on preparing mom for motherhood. and it consumes our thoughts during pregnancy. but what about the dads? they don't spend 90% of their time fantasizing about crib sets and bouncy seats and breast pumps and childcare and how to approach their boss about a flex or PT work schedule. they don't obsess over how many onesies or sock/mitten sets or bottles to buy or whether they should go with a bumper or blanket or stuffed animals in the crib.
i think there is just so much more of this type of stuff that we women think about every day, it's no wonder that our guys are kinda clueless. this doesn't excuse them in any way. i think we need to do a better job of clueing them in to our needs and expectations. i was really surprised (and relieved) that my husband rose to meet my expectations (it took a lot, but we got there). but for almost 2 years, he didn't know what they were. i had this vision in my head of our perfect little family and i had never really articulated to him his role in that fantasy. i just expected him to act it out. that wasn't fair to either of us.
i sorta don't like that i have to spell so many things out. but once i did, i didn't have to do it too much more. for the most part, he knows the kids have to eat, sleep, bathe and be loved. and he gets that done. now. perhaps not in the order or way that i would do it, but that's okay too. i had to learn that.
Good point. Although I generally like my MIL, when DH does certain task, she acts like he moved a mountain. For example, he gets home at 4 and cooks dinner 3-4 nights a week (I have Wednesdays off and cook and sometimes we have leftovers). She always says how "it must be nice" to come home to dinner being ready. Ummm, I have a longer commute and make more, so it must be nice for him to have me too. I can't imagine if I were home earlier and made dinner that there would be any praise for me.
My mom made a similar comment about how great DH was because he "let us" go out one night when she was visiting for 2 weeks and covering for our nanny's vacation. And he put both kids to bed by himself!!!! Wow--I do that pretty much every night!