huge feelings of guilt. am I alone?
So, I didn't make it very long in the straight-up breastfeeding race. I probably got a week or two in before I was so frustrated that every time I knew a feeding was coming, I would start to cry. DD wasn't latching well on my left side, and the pain was just getting worse. I also noticed that my nipples were not healing and my supply was dropping due to the stress, which, of course, added more stress. DD was losing more weight than she should. There are a bunch of other things that led me to my current feeding arrangement, but I won't get into all that right now. Basically, I decided what was best for me, and the LO was for me to pump, then bottle feed her breast milk. Well, it was going great (and to be honest, it still is) and she gained her weight back and then some. She seems happy (most of the time) and healthy.
So here's where the guilt comes in. Over the weekend, I developed mastitis in my left breast. The fever was AWFUL! I called my doc's answering service, and didn't get a call back until I called again the next morning. My doc was off, so the doctor on-call returned my call. When I explained that after every pumping session, I was extremely cold and would shiver so badly that I couldn't change my DD's diaper, he cut me off, and snapped "Why are you pumping?!" I began to explain, and he just cut me off again to say that pumping was making this worse, and I needed to go to urgent care, or wait to talk to my regular doctor. I ended up at urgent care.
I know I shouldn't let him get to me, but I am crying right now because I feel like somehow my current situation makes me a bad mother. But really?? I mean, she is getting breast milk exclusively. So am I really all that bad for just giving it to her a different way? I mean, she is getting all the same nutrients. And I am going back to work soon anyway, so it's not like this wasn't going to be the arrangement at some point.
My hormones are raging (which sucks. I was hoping for a little break from this by now) and I am just wondering if I am alone here. I know there is a bonding process that comes out of baby-to-breast contact, but it's not the only way to bond with baby. I guess I am just looking to hear that I am not losing all connection with her because I am feeding this way... dumb, but ever-present concerns. TIA for any support you can offer.
Re: huge feelings of guilt. am I alone?
Have you seen an LC? I would go find one ASAP! They can help you with your latch and it is not too late if you want to try BF again.
I am sorry that doctor didn't take good care of you. Mastitis is awful. I went from fine in the morning to not being able to get up off the couch in the afternoon. It is no fun! I hope you feel better soon.
Do NOT let anyone make you feel guilty for EPing!!!! Today I have been EPing for 10 months...the pedi, my gyno, and family practice doc all said that I probably won't be doing it by 6 months because its too hard. Yes, it is hard but it is more important for me to give my daughter BM and be a little inconvenienced a few hours a day.
Bottom line, you have to do what is best for your family...and that includes mental health too.
I would reccommend to contact a LC or someone with your local LLL to see if you can work on the problems that are leading you to EP...if you are interested. There are so many things that can be done, but don't be ashamed for pumping.
Oh honey, I just wanted to say that you are NOT a bad mother! You are amazing! I will be the first to admit that I got off a little easy in the BF dept since I never had the thrush or mastitis. You are so awesome for continuing through the pain. Cut yourself some slack (and mentally b*tchslap that stupid doctor!).
There are a myriad of ways to bond with your baby - and to me it sounds like you definitely have! Only a mother-baby bond would have you continuing through the pain! Many wishes for you to feel better soon and talk to your doctor. And honestly, I wouldn't hesitate to put a complaint in on the jerk of a doctor.