Emotions regarding TTCAL(long)
I just need to write this out, and see if anyone else has felt this way.
We started trying again the first cycle after our loss. I am now on my 3rd cycle, 5th month. At first I was absolutely desperate to get pregnant. The desire to get pregnant outweighed the fear of another loss. Now I am terrified of getting pregnant, and I go back and forth between wanting to get pregnant and hoping I'm not.
I am taking clomid for PCOS, but my husband and I have decided not to pursue further treatment until after I graduate if the clomid doesn't work the next few months. Getting pregnant on my own is possible, but not likely.
Before I got pregnant I was in a serious state of depression because I feared I would never be able to get pregnant or have a family. I was taking antidepressants, but I was still having a hard time coping. Now I'm scared that if we take a break TTC I will end up back where I was, completely depressed.
Has anyone else felt this way, where you were desperate to get pregnant, and then later terrified? If so, did you take a break? If you have fertility issues do you feel like you need to get pregnant right away or may never be able to?
For what it's worth I have talked to my husband and he is 100% for trying on clomid as long as reasonably possible.
Re: Emotions regarding TTCAL(long)
Yup, wanting that rainbow baby is the biggest pull and desire ever and when TTCAL is a long journey it definately increases this desire and need.
But the fears that are wrapped up in PgAL are undescribeable. They last the whole way through but it is so so worth it. I promise. PgAL is scary b/c you are naturally arraid to lose this LO and it is hard to cope.
The PGAL page was a life saver and when you get that BFP I highly reccommend the page!! Good luck.
About a week after Thia died, I was desperate to get pg too. However, talking to my dr (and the fact that her death pushed me over the edge into possible PPD, but certainly a MAJOR depression) hubs and I decided to wait until I wasnt desperate. I needed to know I was adding to the family, not replacing my babies (not that that is what I am saying you are doing..that's just how I decided). Once we started TTC, every cycle without the + killed a little bit inside. I never had trouble conceiving before, why was it happening now?? When we finally got a BFP, I started crying...not because of happiness, but because of fear. Fear that we would lose this baby too.
PGaL is a hard place to be. I have passed my milestones, but that doesnt make me rest any easier now.
Good Luck with everything!
When we decided to TTC this time, we went at it with a "we'll see what happens" attitude. With our other 2 children, I was charting and it was complete all out trying. The month I found out I was pregnant, we were both (secretly) not wanting to anymore just due to other stressors, along with having a loss. I knew when I was fertile based on charting previously, and I was pretty sure we missed the chance that month. I didn't care. Then I found out I was pregnant. I cried because I was so scared. Scared because of other things we're going through and scared that we'd lose this baby, too. In fact, I was pretty convinced we would for most of the first 20 weeks. TTCAL is a whole spectrum of emotions, and being pregnant after a loss is a complete mind trip. It's very hard and very scary.
That's my story. You are certainly not alone in being scared and not knowing what to do. Good luck to you!
Yes indeed. I'm only on my second month of trying, but I already peeked at the test yesterday, and nothing. We tried so hard this month, I thought for sure it'd happen. I'm very very depressed, and have started noticing changes in my personality, my lack of patience with people, becoming more apathetic to everything. So many people on Facebook posting about their new pregnancies, it's unfair because I wanted a baby before they did, why do I have to wait? Every morning I take my prenatal vitamin, baby aspirin, and twice a day inject my blood thinning medication, leaving bruises on my belly, just because I might get pregnant. All of this, it just has to be for a reason, so what's the hold up?
EDD 3/12/2013, natural miscarriage on 7/18/12 @6w2d
EDD 8/01/2013, D&C scheduled for 12/31/12 @9w4d