WWYD?
FutureMrsWittig
member
I have a call in to the lawyer, but he's slower than cold molasses, so I'm looking for other opinions.
DH and BM have joint custody. DH has primary physical custody. My 8y/o SD is with us every Tues, Wed, and Thurs night during the school year. She spends every Monday night with BM and EOW. This means BM takes SD to school every other Monday and every Tuesday.
We got SDs report card home a couple of weeks ago. In a 9 week period it said SD had been late for school 5 times. I called and got the dates. All BMs days to drop her off. Since then she has made her late twice.
How do we handle this? We have a good relationship with BM right now and don't want to ruin it. I also would like to acknowledge that BM does have a lot going on at home (3 other kids under 5), and very little help from her stupid H. But still, if she can't get my SD to school on time she shouldn't keep her on school nights.
Re: WWYD?
So she has been late 7 out of 25 (give or take the number depending on your schools's schedule) days.
I think it would depend on just how late your SD is.
I guess it would depend HOW late SD is, but honestly, if she is late once or twice BM should figure out that she needs to get up/ leave earlier. it clearly is not a priority to get SD to school on time.
DH needs to have a talk with BM, see if there is something he can help with, what the hold up is, and why SD is late.
Is it possible SD is throwing a fit about going to school and intentionally making herself late? or is BM just having a hard time dealing with all the kids in the morning?
depending on where BM lives is it possible for you or DH to pick SD up from BM's house and bring her to school?
I don't think DH should open up a full throttle attack without getting BM's side of the story first...
If you have a good relationship with BM, I would mention it. Does she get a report card, too? Tell her you noticed that tardy dates, and every day she was tardy was a day when BM had her (say it in a nice way), then ask how you can problem solve. If you approach (non-condescendingly) from a "how can we solve this?" standpoint, it might help.
Does SD have a routine when she is with you that works in the morning? Things she handles by herself that she can also do at BMs? Some strategies might include picking out her clothes and getting her backpack ready the night before. Maybe she can have her lunchbag packed the night before and sitting in the refrigerator (or maybe SD can buy lunch on days when BM drops her off).
Or, maybe BM can carpool with another mother - - the other parent can pick up mornings and BM can drive home (or you can drive that kid home on a day you pick up SD).
Kids get upset when they are late - they really don't like to be different.
I think for right now, just ask BM if there's an issue. Like you said, she has a lot going on and maybe she needs a little help. Would you be willing to offer to take SD to school the days BM is supposed to do it? I understand how inconvenient that might be for you and your husband, but maybe that's what needs to happen until BM either gets extra help at home or manages her time better.
Hear her out first and see what her attitude about the tardiness is. If she seems frazzled and acknowledges that SD has been late, you guys can probably work together on it. However, if her response to the tardiness is flippant and she doesn't seem to recognize that it's important for SD to be at school on time, then get the attorney involved.
Good luck!!
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I agree that it does make some difference how late she was.
Even though this has happened a handful of times, it still sounds rather isolated. So I don't think I would go forward with guns blazing or anything.
If YH can do this with a nice/helpful type tone, I would just have him say "we noticed that she's been late a few times. Is there anything going on that we can help with?" If he can't (and I'm not sure I could--I HATE being late), maybe he can email BM.
She isn't usually more than a few minutes late. But today it was 45 minutes because BMs 4y/o locked the keys in the car. Another time it was 15 minutes because same sister hid SDs bookbag and wouldn't tell where it was.
BM lives half an hour away, so us taking her to school from BMs isn't really an option. The last time we were in court DH tried to convince BM that it wasn't in SDs best interest to spend school nights there, but she wouldn't hear about giving them up, even when he offerred compensatory time during Summer break.
BM tends to get defensive if she feels like anyone is questioning her as a parent.
Would it be out of line to ask SDs teacher to send a letter to us and to BM listing the dates she's been late and stating what action the school would take if it continues? Maybe that would motivate BM to get her there on time? And if not at least we'd have documentation for the lawyer.
I'm not saying she shouldn't have SD ever. But if she can't get her to school on time and we can, if she can't get homework done and we do, if she can't remember to pack a lunch or pay for school lunches but we do... etc...I don't think she should keep her on school nights.
I am chronically late too. But I get her to school on time and prepared.
ETA: I should add that my DH brought this up the last time we ammended our CO. He offerred BM EOW from Friday after school until Sunday night and then compensatory time during Summer vacation. She said no. Said that she likes taking SD to school and "being a part of her school life".
you should check with the school's tardiness policy.
In our school, late is late, whether you are five minutes late or forty-five minutes late.
Three unexcused lates equals an excused absence. Three unexcused absences equals dropping a full letter grade in that class. (This is for grades six thru eight)
That might be enough to amend the CO.
It's just when I read some of these posts (not necessarily you) it seems like people are ready to jump and attack for any minor offense. In some ways it makes me glad that bd and sm took such a back seat (their choice) to the raising of my ds. I would hate for any minor screw up I had to end up with a custody issue and fingers pointed.
Ds1 got in trouble for being late his 6th grd year. I had just had ds2 who didn't sleep more than 2 hours at a time for 6 months. I was struggling to get it together in the am, but otherwise I still did fine raising and managing ds1. He was and is an a student in honors classes. He is a happy well adjusted 16yr old now. It would have been crappy if I lost time with him for just this issue.
(I want to add that I do understand there are some bigger issues I read on here that do need attention, but there's also some knit picking that would never be given a second thought in an intact family).
I understand, Karleegirl. I do understand that BM is going through a lot. She's not a bad person. She's not a bad mom. She's just irresponsible sometimes, and most definitely in over her head with a man who does nothing but get her pregnant with kids he doesn't take care of.
I'm hoping we can find a good solution. DH wants to ask the school to send her a letter (and one to us). If it doesn't get better our lawyer will send a letter.