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Multiples
36wk/twins and DH leaves out-of-state business trip! rant
Thanks for reading...I just want to know if this is normal or if I'm over-reacting.
My DH goes on business trips often--typically one week a month out of state. In early January, he left for a "mandatory" 8-day trip, which I was very nervous about (I was 32 weeks then), but I soldiered through. When he came home from that trip, he said he'd need to go 'at the end of the month' for 2 days. I laughed! Seriously thought he was kidding; and when I realized he wasn't, I said, "Well, if I make it that long, I don't want you gone. 36 weeks could mean any day." We got in a short argument about it--him saying he had no choice, me saying I understood but I couldn't be alone for 2 days at that point in my pregnancy. Then we decided to discuss it later, because "who knows, the babies might already be here by then."
(I should mention that I have no friends or (my) family here. He has family here.)
So fast forward a few weeks. These past few weeks and especially this past week has been rough on me to say the least. My hands and feet have swollen so painfully that I'm not able to get out of bed without help, and walking hurts. I have gone for weekly non-stress tests, where they tell me the babies are doing good (yay!!:) but that I need bed rest because of the swelling. My heart rate is elevated some, but not danger zone. Basically, I feel as though I can't do anything for myself. Super frustrating, and believe me, I hate depending on my DH as much as I do. I have done everything I can to be self-sufficient--I've hired housecleaners to stop by at least once a week to do the dishes and floors and work I can't do right now.
The night before the business trip (which I'd forgotten about since we never discussed it again), he says he's leaving in the morning plus excuses, excuses. I tell him that I absolutely cannot be left now in my condition without any family or friends. He says (and it is his solution for his every absence) that his sister or mother can stop by. Here's where I could be wrong: I say that I don't want his sister or mother dropping by; that I am ill and don't want to have their help walking to the bathroom, or have them see me like this. He says that his mother could take me to the hospital (she lives 15 mins away, and the hospital is an additional 30 mins more). So I was upset. He claimed he couldn't justify not going to the meeting when he'd be taking one week off work to care for me and the babies after they're born, plus one week of "just checking emails" which I know means totally focused working at home. I should also mention that I have Multiple Sclerosis, which adds to my high risk situation, as well as my 'advanced maternal age' (their words, not mine:) LOL! So I have a lot of considerations.
The next morning I woke up to a long love letter-type note about how he didn't want to go,etc. I'm not ungrateful, but what makes me more mad is that when he asked what I wanted for christmas, I said, a handwritten love letter. Which he never did, until now....more of an apology note.
Yesterday I drove myself to the hospital because my feet were swollen so bad and I had periodic cramping. I saw the nurse and doctor and again, the babies seem to be doing really good:) Both babies are breech, so on Tuesday we are going to discuss which day to schedule a c-section. I am nervous, but excited because I'll probably have it scheduled by the end of the week:)
DH said he'd try to make the Tuesday appointment if he could fit it around his meetings. WTF? He agreed to the appointment time last month, even scheduled the time around his meetings. Oh and he prefers I have the c-section on a Friday so that he can take just the afternoon and maybe Monday off. Give me an effing break.
I should mention that my DH is a nice guy and this is the only thing we really have argued about. He is madly in love with his work, though, which I initially thought was a good thing, but lately not so much. He talks about his work in most all of his off time and I literally have to zone out to be somewhat present and not go crazy. I am easy going and don't really get ruffled easily you could say. I should also mention that his boss, his direct colleagues have all said things like, "You should take more time with your wife," or my favorite, his colleague who has 3 singleton babies, "If I was 36 weeks pregnant with twins and my husband went out of town for 2 days, I would be pissed!" I don't know if that's the norm, though.
This has all been stewing for two days and I'm just wrecked over it. It can't be helping my blood pressure and stress level, so I'm just wondering if you all think I am over-reacting and need to chill out. While I was stewing, I thought about all the military wives out there who go through their entire pregnancies and sometimes birth without anyone nearby in towns they don't know anyone. That made me feel very selfish. I also thought about all the families who are out of work and I should just suck it up and be grateful he has a job.
He gets home tonight late, and I can predict flowers arriving in my future. Do I just cowgirl up and move on or do I escalate this and put my foot down about scheduling the appointments and c-section around his schedule??
Expecting Boy/Girl Twins in February 2012!!:)
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Re: 36wk/twins and DH leaves out-of-state business trip! rant
My concern would be how he's going to help you once the babies are here. If I hadn't had DH's help from day one it would have been a strain on our marriage. Twins are tough, and he needs to realize that at some point in life family comes first.
Good luck.
I completely agree with this. My girls are 2.5 weeks old and these first couple of weeks have been difficult. Between NICU time (which hopefully you won't have) and then adjusting once we got them home and getting only 1.5 hours of sleep at a time due to the breastfeeding/bottle feeding/pumping schedule we are exhausted, both physically and mentally. If my H wasn't equally as involved in everything as I am and didn't take over a nighttime feeding here and there (without breastfeeding, obviously) I have no idea how I would be getting through these first few weeks.
Does he understand emotions? (I mean that quite seriously. Many men don't understand emotions very well it seems.) Try to appeal to him by explaining how scary it is being in a fragile physical state and being being quite frightened of whats to come: delivery and then twin newborns! I know I was just downright scared and needed some support! I was in a similar situation as you since my DH was working out of town traveling 5 days a week throughout my pregnancy and until the twins were 6 weeks old. It's possible and you will make it! But you need support and you need to know that he has your back and that he will sacrifice for your family when necessary. For my husband it was a huge adjustment (as it has been for me and for our marriage.) Communication and being open and expressive with all that touchy feely emotion crap is really all that's kept us sane in the tough moments.
Hopefully your husband makes a quick turn around!
This. We were very lucky and had 7 pound babies that required no NICU after a c-section, but we still spent 5 nights in the hospital. And when we got home, it was even harder. I COULD NOT have done it alone. Adjusting and keeping such a strict schedule, and trying to sleep... Have you guys talked about what it will be like when the babies get home? Looked at a normal newborn schedule and talked about what that means for you both during the night? To me it would be one thing if he was trying to do as much as he could at work before the babies came because he understood he wouldn't be around/mentally there as much, but it doesn't sound like that's the case. I would have a serious convo about this. Flowers/love notes won't mean much when you haven't slept or had a break in days. Good luck.
im sorry...i totally know how it is. my husband travels a lot and is up for HUGE promotion (it's a 3 year process and we find out in june if he makes) and it's put a huge strain on the marriage last year. first we were trying to get pregnant and going to an RE, and i had to tell him a month in advance when i was ovulating so he could plan his work schedule around it. he is lucky i was so regular with the ovulating. he is also lucky that it only took 7 months total to get pgbecause i have DOR, borderline POF and im only 32. ...then i was pregnant (with twins) then i had horrible m/s while simultaneoulsy moving cities, now, at 28 weeks im pretty uncomfortable, and we have a 3 year old. it has ben a STRUGGLE with my husband and the work travel. he has finally ceased overnight travel and will only do minimal day trips when necessary. then for the month after the twins are born he has agreed to not travel. which wont be nearly enough "off" time, and he only gets 2 weeks paternity leave and he isnt taking any more days off than that because he "cant" even though he has a TON of vacation... which is BS. ...and this has all been planned for about 6 months now because he has to have so much lead time. he just wont say no to anyone because of this damn promotion and im over it. and im having a hard time finding a nanny to come and help which is frustrating because i thought the economy was bad - guess not for nannies.
im sorry you are dealing with this. ive often struggled with feeling alone and on my own in case something were to happen. and i finally told him to stop pushing his mom/sister/dad on me. enough is enough. his sister is unreliable and i cant stand his mom and she isnt the answer to everything. i TOTALLY know where you are coming from. my husband is a good guy, but he...he is very work-obsessed and driven. im hoping it will be get better in june, one way or another.
They arrived at 36 weeks after PTL and bedrest for 14 weeks.
The only thing I have to offer is that babies, whether there are one, two three whatever being born at a time, are sometimes not a reality for men until they see them. You can talk about how hard it is until you are blue in the face but the theoretical for them is just too much. We live it daily when we are pregnant, occupies our every though and consideration. Sometimes it really takes a guy seeing this little thing (or things in our cases
to actually get it. At least for the first one(s). He may surprise you, in a good way. And maybe another hand written love letter once he sees what you go through to get them out. Hope you feel better!
Perhaps it is true that the pregnancy is not as tangible to him as when he sees/hears/smells the babies. In the meantime, I need to get over being mad at him, which is hard to do when he doesn't even think he's doing anything wrong.
It's good to know that I am not crazy for not wanting his sister/mother coming by to check on me. It's not like it's my sister/mom where I feel I can look or be however I want. I almost feel that I have to entertain or at least have the house not in shambles...it's just exhausting that's his answer for all his absences. Plus, Worse, he'll go talk to the neighbors--so I've got them stopping by to check on me, which involves me trying to get out of bed, be presentable, and then another 20-30 mins of BS small talk. One of my neighbors even walked right in the house the other day because "the door was open" (read: not locked) and he figured I was taking a nap. I mean, really though?!?
I need to just tell my DH to cool it with being gone + saddling me with a plethora of visitors that I'm too ill to manage.
My other option is to have my OB tell my husband that things are going to be touch and go for the next couple of weeks and not to bail. Also, two weeks should be the minimum that he is willing to take off for us, no including hospital time. Maybe if it comes from the dr. and not me he will listen.
Thanks for all your ideas/suggestions.
it was the OB that gently suggested to my husband to halt travel at 28-30weeks. that was my suggestion as well but my husband insisted on on asking the OB - it's like he thought i was exaggerating or lying. but when we asked to OB, he said that there is obviously no way to no for sure but things will/or could be getting "interesting" after 28 weeks, and a reasonable timeframe to stop travel would be 28-30 weeks.
my husband has also tried the neighbor route but it's very half-hearted bc we only moved here 5 months ago and dont really know them. i didnt even think about hospital time btw. if i end up having a c-section, and, by some miracle (kinda feeling negative these days : ( ) we can all go home together, that probably leaves about 1.5 weeks of his paternity leave. im hoping that as the chaos ensues he will rethink taking some vacation. i mean he has like 12 weeks or something. and i know what you mean about feeling like you have to entertain the mom and sister!
have him come to your next doc appt - and have your OB tell him not to travel.
it's just insane.
my husband stopped all travel at 24 weeks... it wasn't a question for him- he even missed out on a trip to spain that everyone in his dept went on - b/c i was about 30w. he wasn't risking it.
I agree. That is nuts!
And I have MS, too. How have you been doing symptom-wise during pregnancy? I really hope you have an uneventful time while your DH is out of town and that he steps up and helps you after the babies are born. Feel free to not answer this, but what's your plan for going back on meds after the babies are born? Does your H know that you're at 1.7 times the risk of a relapse (OK, if you're RRMS; I'm just guessing) in those first few months postpartum, and that stress increases the risk of a relapse? My H was relatively new on the job and had a LOT of work to do but he was really worried about me having an MS attack on top of us having newborn twins to take care of, so he REALLY stepped up and helped as much as he possibly could in those early months. He took 10 days off and then had to dive back in to major amounts of work but he still split the night shift with me evenly until the boys STTN. I really hope for all of your sakes that your husband will step up when you and the babies need him. Hang in there, mama and keep us posted!
I agree with this. I have a very supportive DH but we had (more than) our share of arguements, especially those first few months. I still wince when I think back on it. I'm sure singletons parents have a significant strain, but I feel like twins really require strong teamwork.
I'm sorry if this sounds bitchy, but the poor guy is doing his job and being a good provider. Would you prefer he lost his job? I mean...come on. I totally get that it sucks, but how much worse would it suck being without his income?
I'm sure he's not leaving you just for the fun of it, and he probably feels like enough shiit about it without someone making it worse for him.
I found out I was pregnant after taking 2 months of usual infusions. There's really no information on what Tysabri does to a fetus, plus they couldn't find a heartbeat, so I was told to terminate from my neuro. The next visit, she changed her tune and by then we had two fully functioning fetuses. This has been a rough pregnancy, terrible fatigue and now I have painful swelling in my hands and legs with loss of feeling. I will likely be using a wheelchair for a month or so, or my cane. I'd like to try breastfeeding for a little while, but I am worried about a relapse, and so might just go back on the infusions as soon as possible. I feel my MS has progressed some over the pregnancy, but it could also be pregnancy symptoms (brain fog, etc). Are you off treatment for breastfeeding?
I think my DH will step up, but I've decided to hire an at home nurse (for me) after the babies are born to check in on us and make sure the loss of feeling in my hands and feet isn't a permanent thing. Also we have housecleaners, which really helps:)
I'm sorry if this sounds bitchy, but the poor guy is doing his job and being a good provider. Would you prefer he lost his job? I mean...come on. I totally get that it sucks, but how much worse would it suck being without his income?
I'm sure he's not leaving you just for the fun of it, and he probably feels like enough shiit about it without someone making it worse for him.
@allison
Of course he's trying to be a good provider, and of course I would not prefer he lost his job. I mentioned in an earlier post that I did feel selfish when I thought about military wives and the unemployed alike. That really isn't the issue. Being 36 weeks preggers with twins in a high-risk situation like mine is frightening, and a big deal. I'm not just "someone making it worse for him"...I'm his wife.I came on here to get clarity about how to solve a situation, not hate on my DH--and many gave really smart advice--like having him come to the next OB appt with me, being more clear, etc. It's also helpful to know other wives have 'people pleasing' husbands who should say no to clients and bosses during this fragile time. I'm not being unreasonable or "making him feel like shiit."
As for income, that's not a factor. He makes a great income and we have shared finances. But I don't stress about money or "depend" on him for finances as I make nearly twice as much as he does and work a quarter as often.
Maybe when you're 36 weeks along, feeling absolutely huge and dependent on those around you, you'll get just how scary, uncomfortable and alone it can be.