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June 2011 Moms
IdigDirt
member
If you were me...
IdigDirt
member
I am going to condense 2 posts into 1 so I am not a PW today.
Question #1. Would if bother you if your DH was less affectionate than you? I read some of the things people here (and IRL) say about their husbands and I think I am lucky to have a husband that is fairly helpful and not outright mean to me but I don't think he puts in the effort I do. Just about every day I make it a point to send him a text saying something nice (like you looked handsome today, thank you for helping with the baby last night ect) and I love you. Maybe 1 out of 10 times he responds and it is usually just "I love you too." I tell him I think he is handsome or looks good all the time and he never says nice things back to me. I have told him that I wish he was nicer but he just says "I don't have time to text you back" or "I am nice to you." BS! He has time to play words with friends and post on FB and if you are so busy you can't text "I love you" to your wife than you need to adjust your life.
So would these things bother you and if so what could I do to get him to see that he needs to be more romantic? Would you just accept that you are destined for a life without romance?I know it sounds so lame to complain about this but these things get to me. It is hard to feel like DTD when I always tell him I think he is hott or handsome and he just says "thanks."
My other question is: DH and I used to volunteer for a rescue. They kind of screwed us and DH is still bitter and won't volunteer with them anymore. I get really annoyed because the director always asks me to foster which I can't and gives me attitude when I say I can't do it. I haven't been there since the middle of my pregnancy but I feel like crap when I don't volunteer. I can't find another rescue that would let me bring LO with when I volunteer and I know the ropes at this rescue. If you were me, would you go back or keep looking for a new rescue? It is about the dogs not how I feel about the people running the rescue but I am sick of getting crap for not fostering.
If you made it this far have a 
and 
from me.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: If you were me...
I am with you on your first concern. DH is the same way and I point it out to him all the time. Everytime I do he will say something right then, but then won't again. I am anxious to hear the other responses.
On the 2nd concern I would do what you think is best for you. Whatever makes you feel the most rewarded.
I think your best angle with DH is to just tell him in detail how you feel and what you want. While I know we just hope that DH knows these things and gets our hints - it's just not the case. I actually just broke down and had this talk with DH last night! He always tells me he loves me and i'm beautiful but we have become less tolerant of each other lately and we are constantly snipping at everything the other days. So it finally got to the point where I just stopped and said something has to change. This isn't us. I think you should do the same.
As far as the other issue, I think it depends on what they did to screw you over. Please tell! Maybe you can address the issue with them and let them know why you have been hesitant. If that can be resolved then maybe you could start again?
Question 1: If it really bothers you, I would sit down and have a serious heart to heart about how you are feelings. Don't just say things here and there. Try your best not to get angry, but let him know how much it hurts you and how it can hurt your self-esteem at times. I consider myself to be a fairly confident person. However, if I don't feel like DH is noticing me (like when I walk past him naked and he doesn't even look up), it really bothers me and I start getting down on myself. We have to have a handful of serious heart-to-hearts ourselves. I think it's good for us to make sure we are communicating and making sure we are meeting each others' needs.
Question 2: Go back to the rescue--with or without YH. As you said, it's about the animals, not the people running it.
On #1 I hear ya... It's a man vs woman thing. Women like verbal confirmation of their love and to feel "adored". Men want respect. At least this is what I think is probably most common...I think it's a love language thing. We have had really similar convos in our house and it never really changes.
#2 hmmmm I think I'd find another one or just say something to the owner...maybe just make them realize how they are comin across an that will fix it? Otherwise I'd try looking elsewhere... Esp since its volunteer.
My DH is the same way. Some times it makes me feel like he's not attracted to me at all, but when I bring it up he tells me I'm crazy. I think in my case, I'm just going to have to accept the fact that DH is not overly "romantic". So you might be in the same boat. If I look back, he was never really overly romantic when we were just dating, so it's not like it's just something that has came about recently.
As for the volunteering concern, I agree with jkchs, you just have to do whatever makes you feel most rewarding. Definitely find a group that doesn't make you feel guilty for not being able to foster though!
on #1, I know for us a lot of it comes down to love languages. (If you haven't read the book the 5 Love Languages, I highly recommend it!)
People just show and desire affection differently. I'm an acts of service person, so I will clean the whole house top to bottom and then get so excited for DH to get home and see what I did for him. He's a gifts person, so he will buy me things (sometimes things as small as "I was at the gas station and I know you love gummy savers so I bought you some!) We recognize that about each other, so I try to be conscious about gifts for him because he seems really touched when I get him something meaningful. On the flipside, this weekend he took my car and cleaned it out, got the oil changed, got the plates changed, put gas in it, and then put it back in the garage. I almost cried when I saw it because it meant SO much to me.
If you can figure out what types of affection mean the most to you (is it words? physical affection? something else?) you can talk to him about it and tell him how much those things mean to you, and he can try to be more thoughtful in that area. He probably just doesn't realize he's not showing it in a way that you recognize!
#1) I am in about the same place as you H helps but I don't think does the same as me. Although this being our second LO I have kind figured out why. He just doesn't think about the situation in the same way I do. I also feel like I compliment him more then he does me.
#2) If you feel like it's something you should do; you should do it. Although I don't think it's right what they respond to you.
We were fostering a puppy for them and found out that he had a lot of medical issues (I was told later that they knew about them before bringing him from MS but pretended they didn't). After seeing he had medical needs they asked me to foster him until after they could get him surgery. Months passed then they said they were just going to have him put to sleep because no one would adopt him even after the surgery. I said I would adopt him if they got him the surgery. Months passed and they said they never said they would get him the surgery and I would have to do it myself so we had to pay many thousands of dollars for all his medical stuff. They said they couldn't afford it but they keep taking in other sick dogs and paying for their surgeries but they knew I wouldn't let Beelz get put down so they just stuck me with his bills. They eventually gave us a bit of $ but it was a huge ordeal and did not cover even 25% of the first surgery. I love Beelz and am happy to do whatever I have to do for him but I am still a bit peeved at how they handled it.
Oh I would definately be pissed! Next time they asked me to adopt a puppy I would tell them "Sorry, I can't afford to pay for another surgery that you just happen to neglect is needed." That is so messed up.
If it were me, I would find another shelter. That makes me so sad because if you hadn't adopted Beelz, he would have died because they didn't want to address a problem needed. I'm sure it happens all the time in shelters, but to be a part of it first hand is heartbreaking..
Other than being medically fuct Beelz is so perfect so he is worth the money but it is just the principal. The surgery didn't fix him anyways so even if they did pay for it I would still be paying the $200 a month for his tests anyways. I think I may go back until I move and can find a new rescue where I am moving. UGH someone needs to buy my house now! Just another reason I need to move NOW!
As usual I was going to write exactly what you said Carla!
I'm also an acts of service person and MH is definitely in the needs compliments (words of affirmation).
It's hard for me because he will always be telling me how hot I am, how much he loves me etc and he gets upset because I don't give him those same unsolicited comments. I would either read the book or just sit down with him and tell him that you need/like to hear those things from him.
As for the animal shelter thing I say go to the one you like/know. As you said it's about the animals not the people and it's possible that YH is just being prideful in not wanting to go back.
One time DH completely stopped being affectionate to me because I'm the one that's really not that affectionate and never wants to DTD. After a few days of him completely not showing affection, it started to get to me. Not that he was ignoring me, just not being affectionate. I totally know how he feels now and try to make a marked effort to be more so to him now. Maybe stop sending the texts, compliments, DTD, etc. and let him know how it feels if you've already spoken with him about this before with no improved results.
You didn't say what happened at the rescue, but just based on the fact that they're being nasty when you say you can't foster, I'd find a new place. It's not like you've never been able to help out before. Your circumstances are different now and you're not in a situation where you're able to do that anymore. They should be more understanding. Even though it's just about the dogs, that wouldn't make me want to go there just because of the people.
Good luck with everything and keep us posted.
::drinks beer, eats pizza::