not feeling the love from my doula (long)
A little back story, I found a doula a couple months ago and we emailed back and forth a few times before meeting in person. She was a little short in her emails but I really liked her when we met her. We decided to hire her and came to an agreement with her that we would pay the fee with our tax return, which we should be getting fairly soon. She said that was fine as long as we were "committed" and it seemed pretty official that she was our doula from that point on.
I'm starting to feel like either her "services" don't begin until she has a check in hand, or maybe we don't click as well as I thought we did. Earlier this month I emailed her a rough draft of my birth plan and didn't hear back from her for about a week. In my email I had expressed my concerns and pointed out where I thought she could help me tweak the wording of a couple things. When she finally wrote back, she just said that it looked great and she wouldn't change anything. Now if that's really how she feels, that's fine, but I was just hoping for a little more feedback or something. It was literally a one line email.
When we met up, she had told me to shoot her a text or email after my appointments to let her know how everything is going. Last Tuesday I had an appointment and went over my birth plan with my doctor. That afternoon I sent my doula a fairly lengthy email telling her how well the appointment went and how I was very excited my doctor seemed to be on board with everything. I mentioned that I had an ultrasound because the baby hadn't been moving much but that everything turned out fine, and I also asked her some questions about Hypnobabies. Every time I checked my email in the past week I've been excited to hear back from her, but never got a response. Today I finally shot her another quick email just to make sure she had got the first one. She wrote me back a super short message saying "Yes, I got it." followed by two less-than-helpful sentences on the Hypnobabies topic.
I know I'm pregnant and hormonal, but I honestly almost cried after that. I just feel like I'm not getting from her what I thought I would be, and before we shell out $850 in a couple weeks, I want to make sure I'm not making a mistake. Are my expectations too high? I just feel like, if I didn't email her again today would she have ever replied to that email in the first place? I feel like we don't have the "relationship" I was imagining. I'm sure she would be more personable in person and I know she would be a great help with my labor, but I'm starting to feel less comfortable with her and I feel like that would defeat the purpose of her being my "labor support".
I guess I'm just looking for honest opinions and advice on whether I'm setting my expectations too high or if she is not as warm and nurturing as doulas are "supposed to be"? For what it's worth, she is literally the only doula who will travel to this area so there are no other options. We live about 90 minutes from the nearest town (army family, stationed in the middle of nowhere) and she is the only one in that area and the only one who will travel to the hospital here on post where I'll be delivering. She was recommended to me by a friend here who had all good things to say about her, so I'm starting to wonder if maybe it's something about me (or the fact that we haven't paid yet, even though she said that was no problem) that is making a difference? I'm starting to wonder if it's worth doing this without a doula and just spending the next three months preparing to do this with my husband as my sole support person. Am I overreacting?
Re: not feeling the love from my doula (long)
More Green For Less Green
I think the pp is absolutely right. It may be that your doula isn't a very good communicator via email (you noted this from the start) however she may be able to provide you what you need if you talk to her on the phone instead. I can say as a doula that I want to have a warm relationship with my clients and would work to have that with you.
Also, as you get closer to your edd, you will probably be communicating more with your doula. In my practice I don't have as much contact before 3rd tri (unless there are special circumstances). I always ask for appointment updates and questions just like your doula did but typically I may be On-call or very engaged in working with my clients that are currently due. Which is not at all to say that you should feel neglected but to explain how your doula may be used to working.
You deserve to get the support you need! I hope you talk to your doula and work things out. GL!
I was also feeling like that about my doula when we first started talking. But I have to say, as its gotten closer to my EDD and we've had more lengthy and face-to-face meetings, I really love her. For me, I needed to get comfortable with her and open up for there to feel like there was some type of connection. Also, my doula is not that computer savvy, but if I call her on the phone it's like she's a long time friend and very easy to talk to. You might just need some time to get better acquainted. In the mean time, you could always interview others just to see if you feel any differently with someone else.
I think pp covered it well - if you're not happy, talk to her. Ask if you can talk on the phone rather than email.
That said, regardless of the warm fuzzy relationship, a doula is great at a birth. My doula that I did get to know... ended up being out of town for my birth because we both banked on me, the first time mom, going over her due date. Baby came right on time (as my doula watched her son compete in provincial bowling finals in another city), and my back-up doula that I'd met all of one time was there. And she was great. I really appreciated having her there, but I didn't care that we weren't BFFs. I wanted her knowledge, her reassurance that things were normal, and her physical skills to comfort me.
So if this woman is your only option, I'd still hire her.
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It's really important to feel comfortable with anyone who is going to be at your birth. Ask yourself this question: If you were to go into labor, would you even want to call her?
If the answer is yes, then maybe try to work it out. But if she is already not giving you the warm/fuzzies, it might be more stressful to pursue the relationship. Go with your gut and GL!
This. I was in a similar situation (only one option for a doula) and she and I didn't click at all --- I felt awkward trying to make conversation with her. But she was invaluable during our hospital birth, and I'd hire her again in a split second. Worth every penny and more, and it didn't really matter that we weren't good friends. When it came down to it, she did her job, and that was to get me through a natural birth in a hospital peacefully. The pre-natal stuff would have just been gravy.