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3rd Trimester
Just told baby daddy off....May have scared him away
Little bit of background info--Baby daddy and i live an hour apart.Known him a little over a year-started out as friends, then turned into friends with benefits.Became pregnant in July.Took him a long time (4+ months) to get over the shock of me telling him i was pregnant. So things have been pretty slow moving this whole pregnancy.But i have always given him his space and been extremely patient with him.(Never texted or called him to pressure him into anything he didnt want to do) He is 22 and lives with his parents (whom i feel are the only reason he has stuck around and accepted this) After he finally told his parents i was pregnant i started going down and staying at his house on weekends(his moms idea) so we could all get used to the idea of becoming a family and having a new addition around. (hes lost his license until May 2012 due to getting a DWI so he cant drive-so ive been the one going to him each time) 60 miles each way.
Well thats been going on for about 4+ months and the only thing thats come from that is me feeling like im a weekend piece of ass. He acts like im not even pregnant. I just kept my mouth shut because i figured he would have asked me to be his girl by now.
He is a very nice guy and doesnt have a mean bone in his body, i just feel he is immature and doesnt have the first clue in what to do/say i this situation. BUT ive spent 2 holidays with his family already.(He has NEVER come to my house and still hasnt spent ANY time getting to know my parents/family) I have asked him about being in a relationship a few times, because we started out as friends with benefits before i got pregnant-so i know we both like each other- and all he ever says is that 'he's scared' or he 'wants to see how things go first'. Well why is it ok that we have sex every night that i sleep there, but its just too much for him to make me his girlfriend- even when im having his baby?
In the entire 8 months of me being pregnant we have never had a conversation about the baby, he has never brought it up or even slightly mentioned anything about it.(me and his mom/sister talk about it but he avoids it like the plague) Hasnt bought one thing for the baby. Hasnt been to one doctors appointment except my sonogram to find out what it was (and of course his mommy brought him to it) He has a good job and i didnt want him to have to take days off to come to my very short doctors appts. but i just figured he would make more of an effort to at least ask me about them, or maybe try to get a ride to a few of them.(his mom always asked me when my doctors appts were so its not like he didnt know when they were ahead of time and she always managed to ask me how they went afterwards without me prompting her to do so)
None of this bothered me until tonight. I let it brew in my head untiI i couldnt take it anymore and i told him everything i was feeling. Told him he hasnt put any effort into anything this whole time, that if he cant even make an attempt to come up here to meet my family how am i suppose to trust that he is gonna stick around for the baby.And that i feel like his parents are the only reason he is a part of this at all. Also mentioned that he never talks about the baby, hasnt bought anything, and sucks at communicating with me.
ALL i have wanted in this entire thing is for him to commit to me (and his son of course) and he has just made me feel like im not worth it or theres some reason why im not girlfriend material. Am i just being selfish? Then my emotions got the best of me and i told him i was over it and that he can keep doing whatever he wants whenever he wants and ill do this by myself like i should have from the start. Didnt read his response because i was too upset, so im pretty sure i either devistated him, or drove him completly away.
I know i have bad mouthed him this whole time, but this is factual information. I just honestly think he a kid inside and has no idea how to act in this situation without the guidance of his parents. BUT he has also had 8 months to get his *** together and figure it out. Im only a year older than him and i have managed to handle this with ease since day one. I always wanted to be a mom and was prepared from the second i pee'd on the stick to accept the outcome of the results.
So my question is, was i wrong in snapping at him? Should i stop taking to him until he gets his *** together and apologizes? Should i cut him off completly? Do i just wait till the baby gets here in march and see if he changes? Im sick of this emotional rollercoaster i am on and im sick of sitting back and keeping quiet while i guess whats to come.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Just told baby daddy off....May have scared him away
Yes I think you were wrong to snap at him.
I understand that you feel disappointed and that you were hoping for this to turn into a serious relationship, but he's making it pretty clear that he's not in the same head space.
From what you posted it sounds like you've made it easy for him to cruise along doing nothing and not really communicating what you wanted, but rather you played the "no pressure, just whatever you want to do" game.
You weren't in a committed relationship to begin with, and he may have never seen you as long term relationship option. You say you have always wanted to be a Mum, but maybe he didn't want to be a Dad. Or doesn't want to be a Dad now. Or maybe he simply sucks at communicating.
If it was me, I would apologise for snapping, but not for how you're feeling, because I can completely understand wanting the father of your baby to be involved.
It sounds like what you want right now, is a clear indication of where he views you and the baby in his life. So ask for that, calmly and clearly.
Regardless of your relationship, he has certain obligations to the child, so you may want to think about what agreements you want to come to on that front, and again have a clear discussion with him about it.
Good luck.
Elizabeth 5yrs old Jane 3yrs old
No. You were not wrong to snap at him! He needs to get his $hit together and he does need to apologize. You're pregnant with his child. Regardless of any relationship status, he needs to be commiting to the baby and being apart of it. He made the choice to have unprotected sex, so he needs to step up to the plate and take responsibility for his actions.
I know for a lot of men, it doesn't become real until the baby is born.
My DH and I had kind of the same issue. We were going to get divorced because he kept pissing me off and upsetting me. He also hasn't made it to any doctors appointments yet, but that's because he's working full time and going to school full time. He's going to make it to the next ultrasound appointment though. My mom finally sat down with him and told him if he plans on us working this all out, that he needs to participate more than just being like "Yeah..that's my kid."
Honestly, if it was me, I would stop wasting my time and money on seeing him. I would do my own thing and make him have to make an effort to reach out to you. I'm a firm believer in not wasting effort on people who don't want to be apart of your life. I would also be seeing if you can get some counseling so that way you can have a better idea of things you can do to raise your son if his father decides to not participate. Also I'd be at least telling the jerk face he needs to be paying child support for his son after his son is born.
I would have his mom and sister participate in baby things and preparing since they seem open and on good terms with you.
I don't think the issue here is whether or not wanting him to commit to you is selfish - I think the real question is whether it's realistic. And honestly, it doesn't seem like it is. From what you've said, this man has never in any way indicated that he wants a relationship with you. He has never said he wanted a relationship with you and has never put any effort into having a relationship with you. Yes, that sucks. But as far as I can tell, it's not as if he ever misled you.
I don't think you were right to snap at him. He has legal obligations to help care for this child, but he doesn't have an obligation to have a relationship with you purely because he got you pregnant. You didn't have a relationship with him before (other than "friends with benefits"), and it doesn't seem like he wants one now, either. I'm not trying to be mean - I'm just being honest. You are perfectly within your rights to tell him what you want, but if he doesn't want the same thing, I'm not sure it's fair of you to be angry that he hasn't suddenly changed his mind about wanting to be more than friends with benefits.
ETA - I think that you need to stop putting time and effort into a relationship that doesn't appear to be going anywhere and instead focus on your baby and yourself. Plan on raising your baby without his help (other than child support, obviously). If he steps up and wants to be a part of the baby's life, that's great. But if not, you won't have wasted your time on a relationship with no future.
First Im sorry you are dealing with this. *Hugs*
Now I will say I have had to deal with similar behavior from my boyfriend. If you are certain he is not a bad guy, then he is probably just very scared and completely unsure of how he should be behaving. My bf came around when the shock wore off, your bd may just need more time. I would personally wait (which I did) and let him come around emotionally, but not as far as the responsibility. He needs to help you prepare.
So you may just need to talk to him, no sugar coating, no crying, and let him know the deal. Prepare yourself to not hear what you want, but hope it sinks in.
Absolutely everything here. Expecting him to suddenly change and become a mature, responsible adult is... just not a thing that's likely to happen. It sounds like, regardless of his chronological age, maturity-wise, he's still just a kid, and you cannot force him to grow up against his will.
♥ Married since June 2009 ♥
TW: Living children & Losses:
Pregnant after 4 losses via IVF/FET with daughter "Gamma" (EDD Oct 2, 2019)
He's under no obligation to be in a romantic relationship with you. And you're under no obligation to sleep with him. Stop having sex with him.
He does have an obligation to be a father. If he can't do that, that's a completely different situation. If I were you I'd start getting prepared to sue for child support, etc.
That said- just because he doesn't want to be your boyfriend doesn't mean you guys can't have a good friendship and raise the baby together. To be completely honest, it doesn't sound like he's going to step up to the plate. But why should he? You've been doing everything for him. You drive to see him, you stay the weekend, you sleep with him without any commitment, you inform his family of everything going on with the baby, and you haven't asked anything from him this whole time. Stop treating this guy differently than you would any other guy if you weren't pregnant. Would you want to date someone if you met them in a bar and he told you he was 22, lived with his parents, couldn't drive due to a revoked license, and knocked up a girl and hasn't done a single thing to be involved in the pregnancy? (I hope you have higher standards than that.) At this point, stop trying to be in a relationship with someone who is completely not interested in being good for you, and focus on your baby. If he comes around and grows up, great. If not, be prepared to do what you need to do to be a good mom on your own.
Why are you sleeping with him? I don't mean that in a snarky way but it seems pretty obvious that the guy is clueless. If I were you'd, I'd cut off being intimate with him all together. That's his link to you. He isn't seeing the bigger picture--YOUR CHILD. I don't think sleeping with him is going to progress a romantic relationship. In fact, I think it will do the opposite. Frankly, he doesn't have to commit to you. He needs to support you as the mother of his child and provide for the baby that he helped to create but other than that... he isn't obligated to making you his girlfriend. And really... you've come this far. If he hasn't already made you his 'girl' why would you want to wait around for him now?
I think you need to stay in communication with him about the baby. Give him the chance to be a father. However, I wouldn't be trying to create a romantic relationship that isn't there. It might take you backing off for him to step up. At this point, I wouldn't be going to his house or sleeping with him. Call him when needed/involve his family...but don't wait for a relationship that he is 'scared' of. IMO, being "scared" is a copout--at least from my personal experiences.
Nevertheless, keep your chin up. Your sweet LO is your focus not him. You can't force him to be something he's not. But I do hope he will step up and be there for you emotionally.
Fredpuma is wise. Stop expecting him to change. He may step up when the baby gets here, but probably will not. If his family wants to be involved, that's a bonus. He needs to pay child support THROUGH THE COURTS, not through some agreement you two come up with. You need to stop trying to make him a husband and father and start seeing him for what he really is. You were friends with benefits. That means you have NO romantic ties. You agreed to it, he agreed to it. Expecting him to start a relationship because you got knocked up is delusional thinking. Cut your losses, get a lawyer for child support, and focus on your baby.
I don't think it matters if you were right or wrong to snap at him.
I'm sorry this situation is so stinky for you. The fact is that all too often, and I've been there myself, girls try so hard to be everything a guy wants and offer themselves up thinking, hey if he sleeps with me eventually he'll fall for me, and sadly, too often it doesn't happen. It would be my opinion that's what's going on here. If he were willing to give it a go, you'd be in a relationship by now.
At this point, I'd say you need to stop seeing him. If he wants to see you, then he needs to make some efforts. It sounds like his family is supportive: if he wanted to see you they'd help make that possible. I know it will be hard, but I'm afraid if you don't, you'll be eternally disappointed.
Right now you need to decide if you are prepared to do this alone. It sounds like you are excited for your baby and are eager to be a mom, but don't allow yourself to be disillusioned that he's going to come around and you'll be one happy family. Be honest with yourself about where this is headed. Check the support of your family and be ready to be a single mom. Likewise, I'd start checking on child support within your area. This doesn't sound like a guy who is going to just start forking over money to help you out, so you need to hold him accountable to help you provide for your child. GL
One thing. Some people never figure this out their entire lives.
Your partner isn't a mind reader. If you want something, you have to tell him. Don't be coy. Don't wait for him to just know what to do. He doesn't know what to do if you don't tell him first. You don't have to be pushy, but you have to be fair.
I think failing to share your expectations both ways destroys a lot of relationships.
So, if you want to be with a man, sometimes you have to say it.
"Honey, I love you. I want to be with you. I want you to come to a few doctor appointments, have Sunday brunch with my favorite Aunt Margaret next week, and buy a box of diapers and a package of onesies. Honey, what do I need to do for you?"
And then if you're lucky, he'll say something like have sex with me twice a week, do the laundry and have a warm dinner ready when he gets home from work.
Quit fxcking him. You gave him the option to be in his kid's life and keep that option open, but if he shows no interest by the time baby is born then file for child support. Forget him and his deadbeat ass.
eta: Nobody says that you two have to be a couple to raise a child. There is nothing wrong with you two being just friends and raising the kid together, so if he's scared of commitment then he needs to tell his parents to get off his ass and maybe he'll step up.
This man is not obligated to have a relationship with you now. You clearly want one and he clearly doesn't. I would save my time and money. Stop going to see him every weekend.
And definitely stop having sex with him if you want to feel like more than meat to him. You're responsible here too. You're still having sex with him, same as you were before, but expecting things to change now.
I'm sorry you're going through this. The best you can do is wash your hands, be civil, and move on.
He is acting this way because you are allowing him to and, as a result, you were out of line to snap at him, as it is just as much your fault as it is his!
From what you have described, he is making it quite clear as to how he feels about your 'relationship' so, unless you want to be only a "piece of ass" to him, stop acting like it!
It is time for you both to do some growing up and maturing.
I am not saying this to be mean but I felt like I was reading a post by one of the "16 and Pregnant" girls. They get pregnant and then all the sudden expect the guy to become a perfect loving partner and dad. How often does that work out for them?
This guy has made it clear he doesn't want a relationship yet you drive over to his house and sleep with him over and over again. You need to stop that.
I know you desperately want this person to change and be the person you want him to be but he is not going to be. You need to move on from trying to create a romantic relationship with him and concentrate on being a co-parent (if he is even interested). Your child is all that matters now. Put all your effort in to your baby, not this boy.