Getting Husband on Board
I'm only 5 weeks pregnant with my first, but I've been feeling like I want to have natural childbirth for a while now. Husband is not very supportive. He doesn't think I can do it, he says he doesn't want me to be in pain. My response is, "it's birth, it probably won't feel great."
I have explained to him that this is what my body is designed to do, women have been doing this forever, for quite some time before there were epidurals, I can at least try to do it med-free. How can I help him understand that I would rather be present for my birth rather than not be able to feel what's going on and what I should be doing?
He has said stuff to his mom about how I want to go natural and she says that I'll change my mind when it comes down to it, as if no one can have a natural birth anymore. She's had 5 kids, so she is much more experienced than I am, but geeze, can't a girl just give it a try and be supported in whatever she wants?
Please give me some input, do any of your husbands feel this way? How can I make him understand that I need his support?
Re: Getting Husband on Board
Taking the Bradley class really got DH on board. The factual materials about the pros/cons of each intervention helped him see past the pain/no pain dilemma. It was not about pain. It was about what was best for our LO and also for me.
If you aren't looking for a class, The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth also lays out each intervention and its pros and cons in a pretty logical (though NB slanted) way.
My DH wasn't fully on board at first either, mainly because he remembers how it went when I had DD. I pretty much freaked out and begged for the epidural at 4cm so while it was a spontaneous/vaginal birth, it was definitely not "natural". I think he was just remembering all of that and wondering why the heck I would want to do it natural this time.
I explained to him how now that I know what to expect and can prepare myself better (the extent of my "preparation" last time was a hospital lamaze class) I will be able to handle it better. I just told him a lot of the facts and key points I was reading in my books (Ina May's Guide to Childbirth and Natural Hospital Birth) and we watched The Business of Being Born together. It didn't take much for him to get on board, and now he's all about it.
You can definitely do it if you are committed and set your mind to it. With DD, I went into it with the mindset of "I'd like to give it a shot without an epidural, but since I don't know what to expect, we'll see how it goes...". That is NOT the attitude to have, especially if you're giving birth in a hospital haha. You need to go into it confident and prepared and with the the mindset that drugs are not an option.
Don't worry about comments from your MIL or anyone else. It doesn't matter what they think or say. You can do it if you really want to. I would suggest not telling too many people your plans though because you are bound to get negative reactions that will probably just annoy you. Only my DH, my doctor, and a few close friends and family members know my birth plan.
I think it's totally normal for husbands to be questioning this type of decision. My husband certainly has, but after his performance at our first birth (not that helpful!) he doesnt have much of a say this time around! Some men just can not get past their own fears and anxieties about the big event enough to be 100% supportive for their wives. For our 1st birth, my husband would not even consider anything besides a hospital birth. So thats what we chose and still he was unable to be completely present. (thank god for my mom!) Since becoming a mom, I have taken on the passion of becoming a childbirth educator, and since becoming so informed I am choosing natural this time around. I think now with him seeing my confidence in this decision because of the knowledge I have makes him more comfortable with choosing natural. The best thing you can do is educate yourself and share with your husband!
You are on track with knowing this is what you are completely capable of, but it sounds like you need more support! People can be very opinionated about YOUR birth experience, can't they? They mean well ("why be in pain if you dont have to be?"). But it is your right to choose the birth that empowers you most. Have you considered a doula? I would totally recommend this to any pregnant woman preparing for any type of birth. Its a wonderful way to keep you and your family taken care of, supported, guided and will give you the best chance for a positive outcome during labor and birth. You can read more about what a doula is here: https://embracinglabor.com/what-is-a-doula/.
Good Luck!
Thanks for all the replies! We're going to watch The Business of Being Born this afternoon! I have read a little bit about midwives and doulas but my choices are VERY limited due to my location. I live in a small town in Oklahoma, so I'm going to do my best with what I have. I am going to be delivering with a doctor in a hospital. I haven't met with my doctor yet, so I'm hoping she will be accepting and work with me!
It's good you're thinking about this so soon - you've got loads of time to get him to see the light. Books and movies and facts are good starting places.
At the end of the day, though, he needs to support you because this is your body and your choice. Perhaps if you were endangering your baby he'd have a say, but a natural birth is generally the opposite (safer for baby). He needs to be on your team because you're birthing his child. Simple as that. When he has to get a baby out of his body, you should similarly back him up.
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