Husbands support during IVF?

Kells926 · January 2012

Long story short, how have y'alls husbands been during IVF? I love mine, but I'll be honest - he sucks! He doesn't really seem to "get" how tough this is. It's just no big deal for him. Well yeah, all he has to do is pleasure himself in a cup. I'm the one with the injections, the ultrasounds, the bloodwork, the emotions.

I don't think I'm asking too much of him to just be a little more sensitive.. get me dinner when I don't feel good, throw some laundry in, etc.

Any tips on how you got your hubbys to help out during this extremely stressful time? To be honest.. it's kind of tearing our relationship apart. Before it started I tried to explain to him that I would need help and be tired and emotional and he seemed to be fine with it but now that it's happening, he's not really being supportive. I don't know what to do.

AmCheri · January 2012

Hi Kells. I'm sorry you're having trouble. If your husband doesn't appreciate what you're going through, I don't really know how you can make him understand. That said, you definitely need and deserve help. Maybe consider having a schedule for the house -- agree on the days on which your husband will be responsible for dinner and laundry or any other house chores. Would he be open to that?

It's impossible to foresee the days that you'll be feeling poorly, but a schedule can help relieve some of your obligations. Also, if you're having a bad day, could you call/email/text your husband and ask him to make dinner for you that night? In my experience, if you're very direct and specific about what you need, you're much more likely to get help.

Kells926 · January 2012

Thanks for the advice and the quick reply!

I've tried literally spelling out for him what I need: "When I come home, can you please have already taken the dogs out, have the fireplace on, and decide what we'll do for dinner? Thank you!" And he'll do these things, but it's like the bare minimum - not a thing more than I asked, and him cook dinner? HA! You should be a comedian. I don't even think he knows where the stove is.

I love him to death and want to make this work, but it honestly hurts my heart that I'm going through such a thing and I truly feel like I'm going through it alone. It should be WE'RE going through it together. And it isn't. This probably isn't the place to be bitching about this, but I'm really at a loss and I've honestly questioned our relationship since this IVF started. I just imagined him being a different more supportive partner during it, and he's not.

At one point in our relationship I left for a few days and stayed with friends. He of course begged for me to come back, which I did, and things were better for a while. I asked him the other night, "Do you remember when I left? And how you felt?" He said he did, and was more attentive that night saying, "Please don't leave again." It's like.. why only when they're faced with loss can they change? I don't get it. I don't feel different than when we met, why does he seem like such a different person?

This IVF is SO TOUGH and I feel like the 1 person that should be supportive, comforting and understanding ISN'T. And it's honestly (broken record here) making me question everything. Part of me hopes it's the meds and emotions and hormones talking, but I feel very clearheaded. I'm just hurt by the lack of support I've received from the one person that's supposed to support me the most. I'm heartbroken.

AmCheri · January 2012

Your last post is so sincere and heartfelt. Have you said these exact words to your husband? What if you wrote him a letter so that you could take your time to get it all out? I can't imagine someone not responding positively to these sentiments.

Also, I'd strongly suggest that you see a therapist of some sort. It would be best if you and your husband can go together. I'm about to start seeing someone myself because I'd like to get myself healthy before we cycle again. I'm realizing that you can't and don't have to go through the stress of IVF alone. It's ok to ask for help.

It's also possible that your husband is struggling with IVF in a different way. Maybe he's shutting down a little. Maybe it's easier for him to pretend like everything's normal.

You owe it to yourself and to your marriage to figure out how to work through this. Your RE clinic will very likely have a recommendation or two for a counselor. Give them a call on Monday and make an appointment.

Kells926 · January 2012

We've actually been going to couple's counseling. Only 2 sessions so far though.

I have said this to him, and he'll do 1 nice thing for me and then say see, I'm trying? And then goes back to playing video games.

Maybe I will try the letter thing. I just don't know how to articulate - "Taking the garbage out ONE time does NOT show me that you're trying, you lazy POS!" - nicely, lol.

farmerlynda · January 2012

It sounds like you need to work through things outside of the world of fertility. Even though your concern is centered around YH's response (or lack of response) to IVF, it seems like it's a symptom of a greater communication or support issue.

I would definitely continue the couple's counseling. There is no way I could have made it through IVF without the support of my husband... who stepped up and did all of the farm chores, cooked, cleaned (well, at least the dishes anyway... the floor hasn't been swept in a week!) and provided emotional support. If you're not going through this together, why go through it at all? Because at the end of the road, you want to be a mom and dad parenting together... not a mom doing everything and a "dad" sitting around playing video games.

I'd say get that man to the therapist pronto, and like AmCheri said, try to express yourself and your disappointment (and the questioning of your relationship) as clearly and as urgently as possible.

Kells926 · January 2012

farmerlynda:

It sounds like you need to work through things outside of the world of fertility. Even though your concern is centered around YH's response (or lack of response) to IVF, it seems like it's a symptom of a greater communication or support issue.

I would definitely continue the couple's counseling. There is no way I could have made it through IVF without the support of my husband... who stepped up and did all of the farm chores, cooked, cleaned (well, at least the dishes anyway... the floor hasn't been swept in a week!) and provided emotional support. If you're not going through this together, why go through it at all? Because at the end of the road, you want to be a mom and dad parenting together... not a mom doing everything and a "dad" sitting around playing video games.

I'd say get that man to the therapist pronto, and like AmCheri said, try to express yourself and your disappointment (and the questioning of your relationship) as clearly and as urgently as possible.

You are 100% right on all counts. Thanks Lynda. You are one lucky girl to have such a supportive husband! Can he come teach mine some lessons? Therapy is taking too long! Wink

Sarah226 · January 2012

farmerlynda:

If you're not going through this together, why go through it at all? Because at the end of the road, you want to be a mom and dad parenting together... not a mom doing everything and a "dad" sitting around playing video games.

This exactly. I hope the couples couseling helps you guys. I like the letter idea, too. Good luck with your cycle and your relationship.

AngnShaun · January 2012

AmCheri:
Your last post is so sincere and heartfelt. Have you said these exact words to your husband? What if you wrote him a letter so that you could take your time to get it all out? I can't imagine someone not responding positively to these sentiments.

I agree with this. I hope that it all works out for you. Its important that he understands how HUGE this process is and how much you are going through. {{HUGS}}

lawjjg522 · February 2012

Mine is pretty much the same.. He's not excited.. or scared.. or... anything.. He has no emotion about any of it, which i guess is nice because then he's not as devastated as the BFNs.. and the support is the "Text book" answer with out much sincerity....

GLto you.. i gues that's why we have thebump!

FraggleChic · February 2012

**TICKER WARNING**

farmerlynda:
It sounds like you need to work through things outside of the world of fertility. Even though your concern is centered around YH's response (or lack of response) to IVF, it seems like it's a symptom of a greater communication or support issue.

This. I don't know if the other ladies have read your blog (I've been reading since we were IUI buddies last April/May) but I can't imagine going through IVF without the support of my husband. I know you guys are still contemplating marriage--maybe this is just too much for him right now? How was he with the infertility struggles up until now? Mine wasn't here for most of my stims (thanks to Uncle Sam) but was amazing as soon as he got home. It sounds like you gusy are on two different pages. I'm sorry you are dealing with this now in the midst of your cycle.

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