exwife at the hospital?? (long) XP blended families

jewerner · January 2012

So backstory: SO has a 4y/o daughter who I adore- we get along great and she has not shut up/ is so excited about her little brother. I have not heard one negative thing from her, and she talks a LOT.

The relationship with his ex and I is actually not bad. For the most part, its pretty fair, we have the daughter half the time, theres no resentment between either of us and we all work together to keep the schedule flexible when plans need to be changed.

However. She is the type of person the whole world revovles around and has outright said to SO that shes waiting for the day he bails on her since they divorced. Hes an amazing dad and she acts like shes the only parent and he doesnt know his daughter at all. He talked to her last night about when I deliver and said we would really like havign his daughter there and that her aunt and uncle would be happy to bring her. The ex wife outright said that the only way she'll let the daughter come to the hospital is if she brings her herself, because she seems "very apprehensive and nervous for the baby to come." SO is her parent too and perfectly capable of introducing them! Not that I feel it will be a problem at all.

This is going to be our first moment bonding as a new family, and we both feel it would be more confusing for her to have the ex wife there. not to mention I'll be exhausted, hormonal, emotional and surrounded by my family and having her there seems entirely inapproriate. This is our moment to get adjusted to our new family WITH his daughter.

I feel pushed into a corner and this doesnt seem right that she should have final say on this. we could say No, and wait until our next day with her and let her meet her new brother at home, but it seems wrong that she wouldnt be at the hospital with us

Any input would be great. TIA

fredpuma · January 2012

Well, I can't imagine having to share my child with an ex. That in and of itself sounds terrible- no matter how wonderful of a person they are, I can't imagine that having to see someone all the time with whom you had a failed relationship would be very fun- especially for the first few years. So, even though your SO is a wonderful father, I can kind of understand a certain amount of snotty things coming out of EXW's mouth, like the statement about her waiting abandonment. It may just be that she is having a hard time seeing him happy with someone else.

That doesn't make it right, of course. She shouldn't say stuff like that unless she means it, but I can maybe see where it came from. So my point with that is try not to take everything she says seriously.

As far as SO's DD.. I don't think it's a horrible idea to have mom come along. Like it or not, you guys are all one big complicated family now, and having DDs mom to be there will give her someone to pay 100% attention to her. Everyone else will be focused on the new baby. It might be a good thing to have someone there who wont mind taking her to get something to eat or play with her right when everyone else is getting to meet DS. She wont feel like she's being put on a back burner if her mom is there.

That said- you don't have to let ex-w in the room. She can wait in the waiting room while you guys have 10/15 minutes of alone time with DD to introduce her to DS. That way mom is there to be with her daughter on a very important day, but you guys still get your alone time to introduce her to her new brother.

jewerner · January 2012

fredpuma:
Well, I can't imagine having to share my child with an ex. That in and of itself sounds terrible- no matter how wonderful of a person they are, I can't imagine that having to see someone all the time with whom you had a failed relationship would be very fun- especially for the first few years. So, even though your SO is a wonderful father, I can kind of understand a certain amount of snotty things coming out of EXW's mouth, like the statement about her waiting abandonment. It may just be that she is having a hard time seeing him happy with someone else.
That said- you don't have to let ex-w in the room. She can wait in the waiting room while you guys have 10/15 minutes of alone time with DD to introduce her to DS. That way mom is there to be with her daughter on a very important day, but you guys still get your alone time to introduce her to her new brother.

I do see what you mean, but shes still with the man she left SO for. I get that it cant be easy but... eh, idk. I do see your point though, and will try to wrap my mind around that, because you are most likely right.

Also, thats not a bad idea to have her outside the room. Im not sure if shed go for it or not, but it does seem like a fair compromise.

(btw, I must not have made this clear, but I would have her brought after LO is born and the initial excitement is over so the attention can be paid to her and her little brother as a new pair of siblings)

FirstSchatz · January 2012

I think that if DD's mother wants to bring her that it might be a good idea... but have mom wait outside. At least DD will know that if she wants her mom, she's there. If the ex really wants to come into the room, maybe compromise and ask for a certain amount of time alone as a new family unit, so DD can have some time with her brother, dad and you. Then allow the ex to join you. That would be my suggestion!

karleegirl · January 2012

Do you guys have a c.o? If the only way your sd can come is if bm brings her than your so needs to have bm wait in the lobby. Let your so be the police on this one. I'm part of a blended fam as well. When ds1's sm and dad had their little girl I took ds to the hospital. I walked him to the door and went to the lobby to wait. They actually came out and invited me to hold the baby. I felt odd at first but ds loved us all getting along. But we had been split up a lot of years so things had really become neutral.

boydstm · January 2012

Tell her she is more than welcome to BRING the daughter to the hospital and drop her off at the front door with your SO. She has no business being in your family time and doesn't need to meet your baby. She sounds like a selfish PITA.

karleegirl · January 2012

boydstm:
Tell her she is more than welcome to BRING the daughter to the hospital and drop her off at the front door with your SO. She has no business being in your family time and doesn't need to meet your baby. She sounds like a selfish PITA.

not quite the right approach. Blended families take a little ( or lot) more care in the balancing. The fact is if bm has custody that day you can't force anything. To say it to her like that would be drawing a line in the sand you don't want. Look at the bigger picture, sd needs to meet the baby. Let bm walk her to the door then so can ask bm to wait in the lobby.

jewerner · January 2012

karleegirl:
boydstm:
Tell her she is more than welcome to BRING the daughter to the hospital and drop her off at the front door with your SO. She has no business being in your family time and doesn't need to meet your baby. She sounds like a selfish PITA.
not quite the right approach. Blended families take a little ( or lot) more care in the balancing. The fact is if bm has custody that day you can't force anything. To say it to her like that would be drawing a line in the sand you don't want. Look at the bigger picture, sd needs to meet the baby. Let bm walk her to the door then so can ask bm to wait in the lobby.

I'll try this. I just worry because most of our days are split and not FULL days (its a terrible schedule until she starts kindergarten) its a little uneven to say who has her which day. we would haveher one MORNING and her that night, for example. Plus, if we drew that line in the sand, and BIl and SIL who were so open to bringing her themselves had to work part of the day? Wed be forced to run around and find a sitter until they got off work, rather than having BM watch her for a piece.. I dont think I explained htta very well, but drawing a hard line in my day/ your day would cause a lot of extra petty bs and make life even more difficult for everyone.

I like your suggestions to have her wait outside, and have SO handle it. I just hate being bullied into this decision

SqueezeTheClay · January 2012

I'm both a birth mom and a step mom. As a birth mom, I would personally feel uncomfortable making that demand of my ex, but I can see where a lot of women like to be difficult so it doesn't really come as a surprise that she would pull something like that. As a stepmom, I can completely relate to not wanting to mix the other mom in with things, especially for the first meeting.

My feeling on this is that the most gentle way to handle the situation is to use the half of the time she's with you to your advantage. During her time with you and DH, you don't need to ask permission of the ex to have DD at the hospital. I know you have been dealing with cholestasis and are looking at possibly being induced early for the baby's sake, so if it's possible, schedule your induction during your time with his daughter, get the aunt and uncle to watch her anyway and bring her in. Cut his ex out of the equation if you can because legally, she has no say in the way you spend your time during your visits.

If baby has to be born during the time his ex has her, then the same is true of the two of you, you have no say in how she chooses to spend the time. If she is courteous enough to bring her to the hospital, then she is being nice to you. You can request of her to wait in the waiting room and just have someone bring the daughter into the room, have the conversation beforehand so that you can clear it all up, how she reacts to such a simple and obvious request is the real mystery

jewerner · January 2012

SqueezeTheClay:
You can request of her to wait in the waiting room and just have someone bring the daughter into the room, have the conversation beforehand so that you can clear it all up, how she reacts to such a simple and obvious request is the real mystery

After hearing everyones ideas, as of now thats the plan. If she doesnt go for that, then i was already thinking about my possible induction, actually. And if all else fails.. I guess she'll have to meet her new brother at home. Not ideal, but nothing ever is. Crossing my fingers.

SqueezeTheClay · January 2012

jewerner:
karleegirl:
boydstm:
Tell her she is more than welcome to BRING the daughter to the hospital and drop her off at the front door with your SO. She has no business being in your family time and doesn't need to meet your baby. She sounds like a selfish PITA.
not quite the right approach. Blended families take a little ( or lot) more care in the balancing. The fact is if bm has custody that day you can't force anything. To say it to her like that would be drawing a line in the sand you don't want. Look at the bigger picture, sd needs to meet the baby. Let bm walk her to the door then so can ask bm to wait in the lobby.
I'll try this. I just worry because most of our days are split and not FULL days (its a terrible schedule until she starts kindergarten) its a little uneven to say who has her which day. we would haveher one MORNING and her that night, for example. Plus, if we drew that line in the sand, and BIl and SIL who were so open to bringing her themselves had to work part of the day? Wed be forced to run around and find a sitter until they got off work, rather than having BM watch her for a piece.. I dont think I explained htta very well, but drawing a hard line in my day/ your day would cause a lot of extra petty bs and make life even more difficult for everyone.
I like your suggestions to have her wait outside, and have SO handle it. I just hate being bullied into this decision

I read this after I posted, if the day's are split like that it would make it hard, but it could be worth it to find several babysitters now so you'd know who to call if that happened. I'm pretty stubborn like that, I'd rather find someone to watch her on my terms than ask the ex for a favor, because that does give her the edge in this, which leads you to keep feeling bullied. Sure it would be easier to ask her, but at least you could pull off the alternative babysitter thing without having to draw the hard line in the sand, like PP stated.

fredpuma · January 2012

If worst comes to worst, and she has to meet her new brother at home a few days later, take comfort in the fact that my mom had my little brother when I was 4, and the most memorable thing from that day for me was that one of the nurses gave me an empty syringe to shoot water at my sister with. I can't even remember forming an opinion about my brother until they brought him home and it was more obvious to me that he was going to be a permanent addition.

Of course it would be ideal for all of you to be able to have that special time together right after LO is born. But in the end, sd isn't going to be upset about where or when she meets her brother- that's really only important to you guys from a sentimental standpoint. What's more important is how you guys are acting toward her when she does. It's going to be an amazing thing to watch her meet her brother no matter where it happens, just try to focus on looking forward to the actual meeting, not the logistics of how it's going to get accomplished.

(Still sorry this is so difficult though.)

jewerner · January 2012

fredpuma:
If worst comes to worst, and she has to meet her new brother at home a few days later, take comfort in the fact that my mom had my little brother when I was 4, and the most memorable thing from that day for me was that one of the nurses gave me an empty syringe to shoot water at my sister with. I can't even remember forming an opinion about my brother until they brought him home and it was more obvious to me that he was going to be a permanent addition.

Thank you for this, the situation in general, plus hormones makes it hard to keep perspective

karleegirl · January 2012

Most of all, don't feel guilty either way. Even as a bm myself I think the bm in your situation is being ridiculous. You guys do the best you can with the situation. You seem like you are trying tondo the best for sd and that's what matters.

bethconnection · January 2012

I have an 8.5 yo that I share custody with her dad and step mom. I am married as well so she has a step dad. My baby is the first sibling for her and while I am so happy it is me and not step mom I always new that it could have been. That being said, they are trying so she will have a sibling one day from her step mom. I would NEVER ask to come to the hospital and be part of that special time for her step mom and the new family (including DD) to bond. It is a very important time and I think it is just crazy that she would be so selfish. However, you can not control other people ... take what you can get and do the best you can with what you have. You can rise above her pettiness and stay focused on your step daughter having a great first meeting with her new brother. I know every time I request something from my ex he has the option to say no and that is out of my control so I just do the best I can with the situation.

louberrypie · January 2012

yikes. that's a sticky situation. communicate beforehand as best you can, try to be firm... i know how hard it is. (i'm a FTM and stepmom) especially when you don't want to cause a scene, especially in light of LO's arrival. take your time - if BM is being a real "treat", it's okay to scrap the introduction and have the siblings meet at home. she's still pretty young and maybe her familiar space will help. i wish you peace of mind!

mommybrynn · January 2012

I can actually see where having Mom there might not be a bad idea, but I agree that maybe she could give you guys some alone time in the room at first, etc. Seems like this is something your DH is going to need to broach with her to get it settled...

susie2242 · January 2012

I think if you feel bullied into a situation you don't want to be in, you need to assert yourself. Just tell her No, she will not be allowed in your hospital room, thats it. Then it will be her own mother that is refusing to bring her to meet her new sibiling.

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