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Single Parents
gy86
member
I feel like a horrible mother
gy86
member
Ever since my daughter was born, but more often in the past 1-2 months, I've had this constant feelings of guilt and sadness over being not being able to give my daughter things like a two-parent household, or more of my time (she's in daycare all day), or when she's older fun vacations or a better state in which to attend public school, and all sorts of other things.
I knew the statistics surounding single parenthood when I got pregnant, though I chose to keep her. I guess I figured I would somehow be "exempt" from some of the setbacks since I already had a college degree and a rewarding career. I absolutely hate myself for it, but I can't help but wonder if I should have had that abortion. Parenthood is supposed to be this wonderful rewarding experience and my child is supposed to be this gift from God, and she's supposed to give me all these magical moments, and here I am just feeling crappy about bringing her into a crappy life.
Though her father and I are on good terms (and he contributes financially), our daughter lives with me full time and I do 95% of the daycare drop-offs, baby care, laundry, doctor's appts, etc. And I know it's just going to get more stressful and demanding the older she gets, when she'll need real meals instead of a boob in her mouth or afterschool activities & homework help as opposed to some toys sprinkled around her.
What are ways you other mommies deal with these feelings? A part of me thinks maybe this is just a normal by-product of near six months of sleeplessness or stupid breastfeeding hormonal crap, but another part of me has this sinking feeling of dread that I've ruined the next 18 years of my life and I'll never be able to attain the quality of life I know my daughter & I deserve.
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Re: I feel like a horrible mother
Being a parent is bitter sweet. I keep reminding myself that when I get to feeling the way you do. Having a child doesn't mean you cant have the things you want for yourself (or them), it just means you have to be patient and work a little harder for them to happen.
I can't imagine not having L in my life to snuggle with and watch him grow, but the stress of having him 24/7 with no help can make me feel a little stir crazy. That's why it's bitter sweet. You aren't horrible, far from it. Sounds like you could use some "me" time.
1. Go to your doctor either ob/gyn or the ped or your general doctor and discuss these feelings. You might be suffering from PPD and you might need some outside support and some stress free time to deal with the overwhelming anxiety your having. There's a reason they tell you to put on your oxygen mask before helping anyone else.
2. As they get older, they don't need you as much for somethings and need you for different things. By the time they can make their own sandwiches you don't need to be SO hands on.
3. You do not have any idea what your financial life will be like in a few years. You will be able to have fun vacations you just have to plan it and budget for it.
4. You child doesn't know they are "supposed" to have a two parent household a white picket fence and a dog and mom that vacuums in pearls and has cookies made fresh daily. You child likes and accepts the life you have now. Your child lights up the moment you walk in the room to pick her up from Daycare. Your child won't be able to wait to tell you all the awesome things she did that day and share her accomplishments with you.
5. You'll be fine but I think you need to ask for help and accept it. Don't give into the guilt of the Suppose to be/have/provides
You and your child are a perfect and complete family. To your child this is perfect and doesn't want or need differently. You need to accept that this little family is perfect is a real family and doesn't need anything to be complete.
Sounds like PPD. Get help. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200 until you do it.
Your future will be as fabulous as you make it. Wonderful things happen. Keep making things work and you will be amazed how the scenery changes over time. This is just the beginning.
http://oi62.tinypic.com/2w73hq9.jpg
Thanks everyone. It helps somewhat just to be able to name my fears and release some of these thoughts. There's a lot about my life I need to remind myself to be thankful for.
I didn't think PPD could pop up at 5 months, but I wouldn't mind seeking counseling... though I doubt there are any therapists who would permit me to have a baby in arms during our sessions. I'll have to ask around.
The statistics I'm referring to are the numerous studies showing the correlation between children raised in single mother homes and higher dropout rates, suicide rates, drug abuse rates, likelihood to commit rape (for males), likelihood to become sexually promiscuous/pregnant (for females), likelihood to run away from home, acheive less earning power, wind up in jail, and so on. Different studies have been conducted through the years, but each time the results are somewhat grim.
You could still be feeling something, it doesn't have to have a name to it. I don't see why having your child there would be an issue, but I think it's in your best interest to take some time for yourself. Be it a friend or a relative just reach out and ask for an hour of their time so you can talk to someone. You need to invest in yourself.
I'm just going to say you are worrying too much about trivial stuff. I don't worry that my son will drop out of school, why? Because I am not going to allow it. I'm going to raise him to respect women, to not do drugs, and when we have problems we'll work them out, and I'm going to encourage him to pursue a higher education. I'm going to be in his life, my parents will be in his life, he has people who are rooting for him every step of the way. You have to focus on that. You make your life and your child's life what you want it to be.
I know the advice was meant for the OP, but I certainly needed it as well. Thank you especially to Sweetie for the thoughtful response. I've copied and pasted it so that I can remind myself of these valid points whenever feelings like those of the OP arise.