Opinions needed
roycie27
member
Hi all. I just noticed this board and thought I'd ask your advice on a situation with my DSD. Our parenting time begins after school every other Friday. DSD started first grade in September and we were allowing her to take the bus home and DH would pick her up later (when he left work). We have suggested picking her up from school a few times from September to December and his ex always nicely suggests other options. It seemed strange to me, but whatever.
They had a blowout over Christmas where she accused him of not taking advantage of every minute of parenting time, so he responded with 'Sweet, I'll pick her up from school like I"m suppose to.'. Of course he can't because he works, so I'm doing it on his behalf. Ex-wife is pissed about this for some reason.
DSD has never had an issue with leaving her mother or with me picking her up from anywhere. All of a sudden, it's a huge deal.
Two weeks ago, I went to pick DSD up from school. Everyone was informed I was doing so. Ex-wife was there because 'she promised [dsd] that she would come up and say good-bye.'. DSD sobbed like I've never heard her sob all the way home, upsetting my 1 yo and 3 yo as well as myself. She sobbed for 3 f'ing hours after we got home. This has NEVER happened. Obviously there's an issue and I think I have an idea what the issue is. That's not my problem.
The issue is I'm suppose to pick her up tomorrow and DH told his ex that it is his parenting time and she is not to interfere with it by showing up there. She has no business at the school. She emailed and said she has every intention of showing up because DSD asked her to. I'm pissed. She upsets DSD, DD1, DD2, and myself and gets to go to her quiet house all weekend. She's clearly the only one that feels good after these interactions.
Not only do I think this is inappropriate and unhelpful, I believe it violates the parenting time order. It's our time and she shouldn't interfere, right? DH emailed her again and told her not to show up after school. Am I off base that this is completely inappropriate? How should I handle this if she is there? Last time I attempted to pick DSD up, she took DSD to her car, talked to her for a few minutes, brought her to my car, sobbing, climbed in my car to hug her and buckle DSD up (she was crying too hard to do so herself), and then said 'looks like you're going to have a long car ride home'. LOL! Thanks lady!
Re: Opinions needed
Thanks so much. I was thinking that this is totally unacceptable but she won't back down. In response to his last email, she said she will absolutely be there, that they work together and this is in DSD best interest (not sure how), and threw out some bullshiit about how last time DH dropped DSD off at school, HE was running late (DSD was not late to school) and he didn't have time to physically walk her into school. He was outside in the car until she got into school.
To BM, this means I may be late to pick her up (I've never been late picking DSD up from anywhere) so she'll need to be there for back-up. Ugh! DH won't be home til 8pm tonight and I'm going to have a sobbing mess of a 6 yo and an anxious 1 and 3 yo until bedtime.
Ok, so next question. This is going down the way BM wants because we don't have time today to stop her today. When DSD inevitably sobs after we leave, how should I handle her? DH is to the point were he says to send her to her room until she calms down so she doesn't upset the other kids.
God, this is so frustrating. She has been fine until a few weeks ago! Now she doesn't want to leave her mother's side and BM is totally encouraging this dependence on her!
Has your husband point blank called his ex out and said,"Look, your seeing and talking to her after school seriously upsets our daughter - and my other two children. Now, I don't know what you're trying to accomplish, but wouldn't you rather your daughter be HAPPY??? You say you want that, so this doesn't make sense. If you don't stop - I'm going to have to do something about it in court. Your choice."
See if that doesn't stop it. But you better be prepared too to back it up.
this is kind of sneaky, but can you pick SD up a half hour earlier if you call the school? that way avoid the BM drama? make up something like one of your LO's has a cold and the only time the doctor could see them made it so you had to pick SD Up early?
then you need to have DH talk to SM and say that she is really upsetting SD, and its not fair to you or SD. Technically it is YOUR visitation time, how would BM like it if you showed up on tuesday afternoon after school just to say hi to SD? she would flip...
if you have to wait it out and BM tries to pull the drama stuff, do you have the guts to stand up to her. when you see her approaching tell SD to get in the car and approach BM and tell her that SD is all set, she can say bye and wave from the sidewalk and then leave?
if not and BM ends up upsetting SD you need to tell SD that its okay to be sad about leaving mommy but its your and DH time with her. if she needs to be upset by it she can take a few minutes to herself in her room, when she is ready to spend time with the family she can come out of her room. that will give her alone time to process everything but not make her feel like you are mad at her...
Ugh, nest ate my post. I have to take a sick kid to the Dr but this is so funny. He said something very similar to this. I think he said something like 'I don't sit outside your house on random days and hug and kiss DD every time you guys leave the house. That's disruptive, inappropriate, and I'm not allowed to interfere with your like during your parenting time.' Her response? 'I would welcome that. It would make her adjustment easier.'. So she's cool with DH stalking them. LOL! Whatever weirdo!
honestly, have him do it then!!!! have him show up at school a few days a week and play a pitty party game of how he misses her so much and really wants her to come see him all the time etc etc.
ugh that would be great. but honestly, not realistic and then you would be stooping to her level. he needs to quote the CO or word it so that HIS visitation is friday after school until whenever, she needs to ask his permission to interrupt their visitation. just like he can't randomly show up wherever. this BM is really pissing me off! lol
Yeah, I would love to actually do some of the wacky shiit she does to us back to her. That unfortunately would not accomplish anything because she just doesn't want to get it. It's also immature, which should be our primary reason for not doing stuff like taking DSD out of school early or stalking DSD (with BM's blessing, of course, because that's not strange at all!). BM just won't get it. The CO is written in stone w/r/t her parenting time. It's merely a rough outline when it's DH's time. I'm going to go to school and tell BM that I have an appointment that I'm going to be late to so she needs to give DSD a very quick hug and kiss and then we need to be on our way. Ugh, why can't people just be fuckiing normal?!?
Be armed and ready with a copy of the CO from now on. Get to school early and provide the office with a copy and give a copy to the teacher as well. Don't give BM time to interfere: take SD's hand and lead her to your car once school is over. If BM throws a fit or tries to interfere, remind her of the CO and let her know if she's confused that you are more than happy to have a police officer explain it.
As for PP's comment about the time being meant for your husband and not for you: I call BS. Children need to establish a relationship with their bio-parents. Stepparents, step-siblings, and half siblings. If BM were married, I'm sure she would have no problem with HER spouse picking up and spending time with the child. BM's current actions are based in jealousy and control, plain and simple.
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On the father's parenting time it's up to him who takes care of the child if he cannot be there unless BM has right of first refusal. The time is not only for the child's father but also for his family. It's time for his daughter to spend with her siblings, her father's parents, and yes, even her stepmom.
Caving in to BM just because she throws a temper tantrum (and gets SD to) isn't going to benefit anyone. And as for putting SD in the middle of a tug of war, isn't that what her BM is doing? She's showing up there with the sole intent of getting her daughter upset. Talk about inappropriate.
OP, my advice is to stand your ground. Pick her up. If SD has a melt down do your best to comfort her, tell your other children "It's okay, sister is just a little sad right now, but she will be okay", and when you get home tell SD to go lie down until she is feeling better and you will check on her in a little while. She may just need some time to herself.
Yes, there is a right of first refusal but it's after 5 hours, so we were good there. I don't think it has anything to do with ME picking her up, just her being picked up in general. DH thinks it's a control issue with BM. She just wants that extra time. We also wonder if there is some issue with her and the school. Like there's an image she's projecting there and having us roll in does something to that image? We're in different towns, so our kids won't be in the same school as DSD. I don't know. It's really strange how she has reacted about the school thing.
So anyhow, I picked DSD up. BM was there. She said 'I hope this goes better.' I said, 'Of course it won't!' She launched into an explanation and we talked for a few minutes. DSD came out of school, saw BM, and started sobbing. We put her in the car and talked for a few more minutes outside of the car. DSD was SLAMMING on the window sobbing 'MOMMA!'. This is not normal behavior for her at all. BM and I had a good convo and I *think* she gets it.
DSD was done crying by the time we left the parking lot. Clearly, DH and I are spot on when we said this is about BM being there and it wouldn't be so bad if she followed the f'ing parenting plan and stayed away.
During that, not knowing how it would go down, DH talked to our friend who is also our lawyer and confirmed with him that this is BS. DH is going to follow his advice and if it happens again in two weeks, we'll go from there.
Thanks for the comments and advice. You all are very helpful.