Open Adoption and Visits with BM

faithhopelove75 · January 2012

Question if I may. I am new to all of this as I posted earier this week.

I understand what Open Adoption. I am willing to do a open adoption. However our situation is we know the Birth Mother she asked us. She is young, she is also 18 years old. We had not looked into adoption yet so we are new to all of this after a few conversations with her-it has come out a few times that the only reason she is considering adoption is because she knows us and she knows she can see her baby. I explained to her I am ok with visits, etc. However from our last few conversations, visits to her could be weekly, monthly. She mentions she can just call us and come over. When she mentions this I said I am not sure how comfortable I am will just calling, we would need to set this up, but also mentioned once we start the process I will ask questions about visits, etc. (she even once mentioned if we ever need a babysitter she could babysit) I did not know how to respond to that so I left that one alone.

I ask this because we did meet with our attorney this week and she mentioned that the BM is asking for a lot of visits. I explained I am open to open adoption but with the BM was asking seemed like a lot to me. She suggested us to get her counseling which I wanted to do anyway.

I guess what I am asking you all-am I over thinking this am I over reacting?

Believe me I feel blessed she wants to be a part of her baby?s life and I think we all can benefit. I think it is a wonderful thing to have BM involved. However how involved do you go? When this is finalized DH and I will be legal parents, not legal babysitter, I kinda feel like she thinks great, they will take care of my baby and I can come and go as I please. I realize our situation may be more unique because we have a relationship with her and it is not someone new in our life. I know there is no 100% in adoption. I realize it is a leap of faith and trust. We will be meeting with her next week to explain the attorney role and get her signed up for counseling. I think I want to get her in sooner then later because we are approaching in the next month spending a lot of money on the attorney fees and home study process and I want to make sure she has thought this thru.

Is this normal feelings? Part of me is wondering am I just scared? Or to sensitive or over-reactive. Thanks!!

silliestbunny · January 2012

First off, I highly recommend The Open Adoption Book by Bruce Rappaport, PhD. It will help you see the positive in your situation.

Since I am not in your place (knowing BM and being in close proximity), I can only respond based on my initial reaction.

I think you are reasonable in feeling like there's reason for concern. But I also think that we often get scared and turn away from the scary conversations when they might not be that big of a deal.

Is the BM getting counseling?

Regardless, I'd sit down with her, and preferably someone that supports her (mom, friend, whomever) and say that I was excited and happy that the baby will have the security of knowing her birthmom BUT I also want to set realistic expectations. I'd then ask what she thinks is reasonable and then discuss what you are comfortable with for visits. If you two are not even close, I'd say that you have a good starting place to continue the conversation.

Dr.Loretta · January 2012

A couple of thoughts:

It is somewhat normal for birthparents to want to have more (or less) contact early on, and for things to change as time goes on. You can imagine that, in those early raw months, she may want more regular reassurance that she made the right decision, you're taking care of her LO, etc. But you can also imagine that, 10 years from now, she may be married with children she is raising, and may even live in another city/state.

It is also normal for you to feel some trepidation with someone who you think is seeing this as more of a co-parenting situation instead of an adoption. Which, yes, would give me pause.

There is also the fact that different BP/AP relationships are different. For every super-open adoption where it's more like an extended family, there's another situation where only letters and pictures are sent through an intermediary, usually an adoption agency. So it's all about comfort level on everyone's part.

I think the couseling will help her sort out her emotions and give her a more realistic idea of what an open adoption may look like. But IMO the key is both of you communicating your thoughts, even if the conversations may be difficult. If she says she may want to babysit, calmly explain that it's a conversation to have once the baby is here and everyone has had their opportunity to bond and sort out roles. If she says she wants to have frequent contact, emphasize that you want some time with the baby, and the fact that she doesn't see the baby every week doesn't mean you don't want an open adoption.

It may also help for you guys to get some counseling from someone in the adoption world to navigate these kinds of conversations.

meganroselee · January 2012

For me, honesty and clarity in expectations was important. I think the most important thing in adoption is knowing what you are looking for and waiting for a situation where the expectant mom is looking for the same. I don't think you are overeacting or scared, you are just expressing your desires for less contact. I advise that you look within yourself and ask, independent of what this expectant mom wants, what you feel comfortable with. If its not congruent wtih the expectant mom's wants, counseling shouldn't influence this and this may not be your child.

I knew that what was right for me was for my son to have the opportunity to get to know his biological heritage but I was not looking to commit to frequent visits from the outset. Our current agreement is one in person visit per year, communication via email and phone calls. This was at a minimum what I was willing to commit to. The neat thing is the future for our relationship is wide open as we get to know each other the frequency of visits will likely increase but I never agreed to something in excess of what I knew, without a doubt I was willing to do. Hope this made sense.

Patches08 · January 2012

I love all the pp responses. Like a pp said, things change in both BM's and AP lives in 10 years. My daughter will be 8 come summer (I will be 27) and we initially agreed to visit 2 times per year and email updates quarterly. I never receive my quarterly update because our visits have been quarterly for the last 7 years.. We visit about every 3-4-5 months, depending on schedules. That might change if I start my own family, might be more, might be less. Open and honest communication is key. Don't promise more visits/communication then you're honestly willing to give. I too offered to babysit early on, they politely told me they would keep an open mind about it but the topic has never come up again (they live pretty close as well, AM is a SAHM with 4 kids, I suppose they don't use a babysitter often). Feel free to give your BM my email (PM me if you're interested), I can connect her to a great group of BM's, also check out the blog 'Amstel Life'. She knows how to put thoughts on paper in a BM's (open adoption) prespective. Good luck!

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