Blended Families

I thought I would have more time....

Quick background:  I am the adopted mom (as of this past August) to my two SSs now ages 13 & 15.  DH and I have been together 5 years.  BM has had no contact at all the entire time DH and I dated/married.  She has our number and we have hers she just never calls and the boys have never expressed a desire to call her .

Oldest son approached me last night about calling BM.  He is naturally curious about his half siblings and wants to make contact.  I knew this day would eventually come but I guess I hoped it would be a few years down the road.  I've been thinking about it all day.  I want to be supportive, but she has so many outrageous lies going on in her "new life" that I'm not sure how to go about it.  For example, BM's husband and her MIL think BM had twins with my DH that died in a drunk driving accident.  This is completely false.  There are so many others but you get the idea.

So, to buy some time I told my son that he would have to talk with the family counselor about it and made him an appointment for Tuesday (and me one for Monday because I seriously need help with this one).  However, I value the feedback I get from this board so I put it out to you ladies as well.

We have always maintained that we would be supportive in the event that either boy wanted to have contact with BM.  However, I am nervous/sad for oldest son because all I see is heartbreak at the end of this road.  I have thought about contacting BM first via email or phone to let her know that he would like to call so she isn't shocked.  I've thought about preparing our son by letting him know about the outrageous lies she tells but I am reluctant.  We've managed not to say anthing bad about BM for years.  I also don't want him to think I'm insecure about it and talking smack about her.  I would hate to lay this on him while he is anxiously hoping for a good outcome.

I have no idea how to be supportive of this and protect him at the same time.  Even if she also wanted to reconcile their relationship, how can that logistically happen since my son knows she never had twins that died, etc.  She would have to come clean with her new family about the lies for my son to be a part of her life.  And I just don't see her willing to step up to this plate.  Waiting until he is 18 is not an option.  I believe he has a right to know BM if he wants to, period.  I just wish he didn't want to and I don't want to see him get hurt.

Thoughts?

 

Re: I thought I would have more time....

  • First, I'm trying to understand the half-siblings/dead twins stories.  Does DS believe he has half-sibilings by BM that never were?  Or are there actually half-sibs living with her?

    Second, I think you and your DH need to be on the same page. 

    Third, if/when you do the phone call, I would get on the phone first and explain that DS wants to talk to BM and is wondering how the children are (if there are any).  That way you've kind of set the tone for the conversation, and DS and BM don't feel like any communication is going on behind their backs (you and DS, you and BM). 

    I would stay in the room with DS while he talks.  I would encourage the call to be brief.  I would not be supportive of a relationship beyond a few phone calls a year.  I would not set up a visit or any regular contact.  If a visit is mentioned during the phone call, just be non-commital: we'll see. 

    Based on the phone call, you and DH may also need to set up a time to talk to DS to talk about why visits with BM aren't a good idea.  Be casual, firm, and as general as possible. 

    For our boys, I've stood by the line that she's just not really ready to be a parent yet, but she loves them very much and misses them.

    Stay at home mom to a house of boys: two amazing stepsons, 12 and 9, and our 4 year old.
  • J&A - BM claims to have had 6 children, twins that died in a drunk driving accident, my two sons and she also has a daughter and new born son with her DH.  But in reality my oldest was her first child and she has only had 4 children, not 6.  DS knows about the two IRL half siblings but is unaware that BM tells everyone she had twins that died in a drunk driving accident.

    I think limiting it to a few calls a year is a good idea.  I am in NO way supportive of any visits at this juncture.  Another complication is that BM has no idea that we know about the new baby she just had.  So telling her that oldest son wants to know how "the kids" are doing is complicated too.  The only reason we know about the new baby is that I, admittedly internet stalked her prior to the adoption.  I am a great researcher and planner.  I printed all the BS she wrote so I could make a case in court if I had to.  Ironically, that is how I came to participate on this board.  I swear maybe I should just call Jerry Springer.

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  • Hey, I'm guilty, too.   I mostly look for court cases and arrests, though.  Sad

    I'd just say that he wanted to know how she was doing, then, and leave the kids out of it.  He does know of the one, right?  Hopefully it won't even be an issue.  If he brings it up, it won't be as easily questioned. 

    I hope all goes well with it, and that you and DH can talk it through so you're both on the same page with everything.

    Stay at home mom to a house of boys: two amazing stepsons, 12 and 9, and our 4 year old.
  • DH and I are on the same page as far as DS going to counseling to discuss why his sudden interest in contact with BM.  DS knows there are two half siblings.  BM doesn't know that DS knows about his baby brother.  I think DS is more curious about his sister and brother than BM so keeping the kids out of it is impossible because I know he will ask about them if he calls. 

    Is explaining it to him first a good idea?  Then from her perspective, if you haven't called your bio children in over 5 years and you have told so many lies and then one them calls you.....I don't know.  I guess I am worried that she will freak out.  Maybe discussing it with her first is a good idea?  Maybe she doesn't want to hear from me?  I don't know.  I am not a bio mom, but I feel like a mother lion about my DSs.  Thank you for your input.  I am way over my head and not sure how to approach any of this.  I hope the counselor has some good insight.

  • For in the future:

    DH was adopted by his aunt and uncle. His BM lies, makes horrible choices, stops talking to her kids out of the blue, and she is 52 years old. Somethings never change. My H goes to her home for holidays and keeps in touch during the year. He only does this to be around his siblings. He know who his mom is and what she does. He only tolerates it for his sibling (they are very important to him).

    So him wanted to make this call may have very little to do with her. Any relationship he keeps with her going foward may have very little to do with her.

    Stay strong and support him! HUGS!

  • Socloundy, thank you for sharing your DH's experience.  I believe it is the siblings that are most important to DS and not so much BM.  The biggest issue I'm having is how to go about first contact and what we should or should not tell DS about BM.  Five years is a long time to get an out of the blue phone call.  Especially, since her life is complicated with the falsehoods she has represented about herself to her new family.  If you were BM how would you want to be approached?  Or how did your DH go about getting to know his BM/siblings (if you don't mind my asking)?
  • imagejuliettodd:
    Socloundy, thank you for sharing your DH's experience.  I believe it is the siblings that are most important to DS and not so much BM.  The biggest issue I'm having is how to go about first contact and what we should or should not tell DS about BM.  Five years is a long time to get an out of the blue phone call.  Especially, since her life is complicated with the falsehoods she has represented about herself to her new family.  If you were BM how would you want to be approached?  This I can't speak on b/c I couldn't imagine not talking to my SK for a month let alone my BioKs for years. It would probably be best for your S if your H called her first so she can prepare and hopefully not say something too stupid.

    Or how did your DH go about getting to know his BM/siblings (if you don't mind my asking)? They have an odd relationship to be honest. They all love each other but will not speak openly and honestly about there childhood even in there 30s and 40s. My H was the only one taken from their BM. The older siblings had a really hard life and were jealous they were not taken. The younger siblings wanted there brother there so they don't like DH's mom and dad that raised him.

    They really started hanging out/going to birthday parties/life events in high school once they could drive. This is when the relationships really started.

    It is still a work in progress. We are having them over for cards tonight. It is getting better with time. DH really loves his siblings but sometime (still) struggles with a feeling of not belonging. 

    I wish his mom (that raised him) would have been more honest with him. She didn't want to bad mouth BM or upset him so it has left him with a lot of holes and rumors about what happened. BM has never once tried to talk to him about it except to randomly on fb say "What (mom who raised you) said is a lie." The funny part was she hadn't said anything.

    GL!

     

  • I'm sorry to go on and on but I just have to add:

    From the outside everything looks great with BM. We visit her, give her gifts for Christmas, I call her MIL and DH calls her mom. AMIL (adoptive) knows this.

    AMIL also knows she is DH only REAL mom and my only MIL. She is the one we would call to talk, she is the one we will be there for no matter what, she is the one that made DH into the man he is, she is the SKs grandma, she is the one we love with all our hearts.

    I am sure your boys will feel the same way about you even if sometimes it make look different from the outside.

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