wwyd- birthday party and former friend

ec3under4 · January 2012

Okay wise bumpies, I need advice.

My daughters birthday party is fast approaching and I am at a bit of a standstill as to a former friend of mine. She lives right down the street, we were in the same church class, her husband plays poker with my dh, and our kids played together all the time(she has a daughter almost the same age). It was more than just a "our kids are friends" friendship but rather family friends. We got together for dinner at least once a week and would always gather at each others houses in the afternoons when our kids were grumpy, etc... Well, there had been a couple of shady things that she(my friend/the mom) did but I just kind of shrugged it off for the sake of the friendship.

Fast forward to my husbands broken femur and after 5 days in the hospital and surgery she never called, texted, facebooked, nothing. Two weeks later she sends a text like "hey, we should hang out", I just ignored it. It was like the straw for me. I just decided that she's not really a friend and yada, yada, yada.

If it was just our girls who played together, I wouldn't think twice about continuing with the "friendship" but these were close family friends. So, my daughter keeps asking if the little girl is going to be coming to her party. I have just ignored the question. But, what would you do? Should I just suck up my pride for the sake of my daughters friend or would you just not invite them?

Sorry that was so long. Ughh...I shouldn't even bother with stuff like this but it's really bothering me.

babymillie · January 2012

That's a tough one. What type of shady things?

If you were "close family friends" then I feel like she deserves an explanation as to why you have distanced yourself... At least I know if it were me, I would want someone to talk to me about it. I also feel like unless she did something really shady, then it's not fair to your daughter to keep her friend away... especially since she's asking about her. Could you just invite them but avoid her at the party?

Good luck!

L L CG · January 2012

Yeah, I'd suck it up and invite her. There will be so many people at the party and you'll be so busy you won't have to deal with the mom.

fjaril · January 2012

I'd invite her. Unless the shady was really bad and you knew for sure it went down. She/they might have had something going on when you had stuff going on at the same time.

If my kiddo was asking for her friend, I'd suck it up (again unless shady was really shady) and invite them.

babymillie · January 2012

fjaril:

I'd invite her. Unless the shady was really bad and you knew for sure it went down. She/they might have had something going on when you had stuff going on at the same time.

If my kiddo was asking for her friend, I'd suck it up (again unless shady was really shady) and invite them.

I think we need to know what the shady was. Like meth lab in her basement shady?

ec3under4 · January 2012

babymillie:
fjaril:

I'd invite her. Unless the shady was really bad and you knew for sure it went down. She/they might have had something going on when you had stuff going on at the same time.

If my kiddo was asking for her friend, I'd suck it up (again unless shady was really shady) and invite them.

I think we need to know what the shady was. Like meth lab in her basement shady?

Meth lab in the basement would explain some things but, no. Shady more like your not the kind of friend that I really want shady. Like at one point, she flat out told me that she was pushing me away because she has attachment issues and instead of working on those issues she just refuses to have true friends in her life. So, she starts to develop meaningful friendships and then when she realizes that she has a true friend, she intentionally does things to sabotage the friendship. Obviously she has a lot of issues but I put forth a great deal of effort to try to cultivate the friendship only to have her be unkind and not step forward when I needed a friend. Really, it just makes me sad. These are people that we spent thanksgiving and Christmas with but, I just don't have the time nor energy to devote to it. But, I'll suck it up for my kid and hope that I don't end up with ackward moments at the party

BLONDIE6FT · January 2012

L L CG:
Yeah, I'd suck it up and invite her. There will be so many people at the party and you'll be so busy you won't have to deal with the mom.

this.

august8080 · January 2012

Well, the first thing I would do it talk to her. I don't think it's fair to write off the friendship without first letting her know how she's hurt you and giving her the opportunity to at least mend the fence a little. Maybe, in the future you decide it's better for you/your family not to devote so much time or effort to the friendship and you put some distance between the two of you, but if you were as close as you described, I think airing your feelings is really important. After that, you can decide what to do about inviting her.

bluestreet · January 2012

Well, I'll be the dissenter. I think that maintaining a friendship with this woman, or having that level of awkwardness at a birthday party that will already require a great deal of your energy, simply for the sake of your DD being able to play with her daughter is, well, ludicrous. Smile Your DD will have other friends at her party and in her life. If your DD were a few years older, it might be different. But given how very young she is, I think the dynamics of your friendship trump her friendship with the other child.

Do I think you should tell the woman how you feel? If you want, and when you feel up to it, on your terms. But that might not be before your DD's party, and there's no guarantee that even if you addressed it before the party you'd come to a satisfactory resolution.

I definitely understand why you would not want to continue a friendship with this person, btw. I would probably not address it, and I'd just let the friendship peter out. Her using attachment issues as an excuse to not be a good friend? It'd be one thing if she added that she's working on it, and cares about you. Otherwise, who has time for that kind of crap when you've got 3 kiddos and your DH's issues?

I may sound cavalier, but that situation would really stress me out! GL!

ec3under4 · January 2012

bluestreet:
Well, I'll be the dissenter. I think that maintaining a friendship with this woman, or having that level of awkwardness at a birthday party that will already require a great deal of your energy, simply for the sake of your DD being able to play with her daughter is, well, ludicrous. Your DD will have other friends at her party and in her life. If your DD were a few years older, it might be different. But given how very young she is, I think the dynamics of your friendship trump her friendship with the other child.
Do I think you should tell the woman how you feel? If you want, and when you feel up to it, on your terms. But that might not be before your DD's party, and there's no guarantee that even if you addressed it before the party you'd come to a satisfactory resolution.
I definitely understand why you would not want to continue a friendship with this person, btw. I would probably not address it, and I'd just let the friendship peter out. Her using attachment issues as an excuse to not be a good friend? It'd be one thing if she added that she's working on it, and cares about you. Otherwise, who has time for that kind of crap when you've got 3 kiddos and your DH's issues?
I may sound cavalier, but that situation would really stress me out! GL!

Yeah, this is pretty much exactly how I feel about it. It's just too much for me to deal with. I really do think friendships are work but this one is just out of control. Thank you for not making me feel alone on my opinion!

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