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C-sections
Things people shouldn't say to me
Sorry this is a long vent.
So I'm fuming about the stupid things that people have said to me this week about my scheduled c-section in a few weeks. I have gestational diabetes and have a low iron/blood count and have had various other complications this pregnancy. This is my first.
Since I don't particularly care for visitors during my recovery from my major surgery (which I am really resenting people thinking that just because you are having the surgery for a positive reason *newborn baby* that it's somehow easier to dismiss as not "real" surgery), I have told my doctor that I do not want visitors for at least the first 24 hours (who btw is totally awesome and supportive and told me even if I didn't have a c-section I could tell them she said no visitors), and I have already told both families that is the policy. So here is what both sides of grandparents have said:
DH's parents asked if I was serious about them not being able to come to the hospital to visit for the first day. I say yes. Then FIL says, "You mean we can't even come see the baby?"
"Yes."-Seriously, did I stutter?-no visitors. Our hospital has a lock down maternity unit and the nursery is actually behind the nurses station so you can't even see the babies when they are in there. Plus they allow rooming which we will probably try to take advantage of. Oh, and thanks for making it obvious that you really don't care about me. But that's for a different post.
Then they start to talk about if I could just deliver earlier then I could have a vaginal birth and then they could come earlier to visit. *btw the reason we are definitely having a c-section is because with his size already, he will not fit through my pelvis and we have to wait so his lungs are developed enough.* They say this and I want to flip out. You'd rather risk his health and life and be born earlier than he already will be just so you can visit one day sooner??? Really... he's already coming out 11 days sooner than his due date. Get real.
Then my mother who birthed 6 children without meds vaginally has tried to make me feel guilty about needing a c-section. She tells me she thinks I can fit him through my vagina. I tell her my doctor doesn't think so. I yell at her cuz I'm so frustrated about everyone thinking that vaginal births are so superior and like I'm a failure. It's either I deliver now and he can't breathe on his own but he comes out the "right" way, or I deliver later via c-sect and he is healthier. Btw these comments are not the only things said to me by both parties.
Yes, surgery will suck. My DH had cancer diagnosed late 2010 and since then has had 5 major surgeries, 3 of them during this pregnancy. So I know how bad it can be. But as bad as I will feel healing from this surgery, I would feel worse having a baby that was sick or worse because I chose to try a vaginal delivery against medical advice just because it's "natural." So I wish the comments they are making would stop, because it's not like I'm doing this for some superficial reason like I just don't want to deal with labor or I don't want a stretched out vagina. I'm doing this because I want a healthy baby, even if that means I have to subject myself to more pain and complications.
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Re: Things people shouldn't say to me
I'm sorry your family is saying things to you that are upsetting you. You have obviously made an important choice to have a c-section for the health of you and your baby, and it's not fun having people question that or make you feel bad. You definitely shouldn't feel bad about that. They just don't understand.
I had a c-section because of my daughter's condition and a vaginal delivery was more risky for her. We scheduled the c-s several weeks in advance, and I actually went into labor early, but they still did a c-s. You can just tell the family that even if you go into labor early, you will still do a c. And let them know that you'll be recovering from major surgery and delivery and will invite them to the hospital when you are ready for visitors. End of discussion. If they don't like it, too bad.
I'm sure they (especially DH's parents) are so thrilled that you are having a baby, given all that you went through with his cancer. A new baby coming into the family is a huge joy and they want to celebrate with you. When my DD was born, we didn't want anyone coming to the hospital b/c she would be going to the NICU and we wanted to wait until we were emotionally ready for visitors. DH's parents showed up anyway. They only hung out with him in the waiting area for a little bit and then left. They didn't come see me or the baby until the next day when we decided we were ready to see them. You can't stop them from coming to the hospital but you can decide when you're up for meetings.
In the end, this is their grandchild and they just want to be there for support and to meet the new baby. And they want to celebrate this new life and person joining their family.
I had an emergency csection, but I felt so horrible that I limited visitors too. I asked people to please not visit at the hospital, but told them they were welcome to come to our house later. For the record, the whole family showed up anyhow. Our friends were polite and waited. Don't feel bad about kicking the family out/having the nurses block them from entering. Do what's right for you and baby. It would have been nice to have those first few hours as bonding time with our new little family...
I think it was best for me at the end of my pregnancy to just avoid family members as much as possible. I checked in via phone once a week and ignored messages otherwise. Text messaging is a great invention to let people know you are still alive.
It will all work out in the end and once the baby is actually here, then they will start a whole new line of annoying advice.
Can I ask a silly question...since your c-section is going to be planned/scheduled why not just wait until the day after to tell your families that the baby has been born if you have no intentions of seeing them until then? I am not sure what your relationship is like with your family, but I know if I told mine I didn't want them to come see me or the baby the day it was born then they would feel pretty hurt by that.
This is my 1st pregnancy as well, but I have to have a c-section because in August 2010 I had Fibroids the size of a baby's head and they basically did a c-section to remove them. So now when it comes time for our baby I will have a c-section and since it will be planned as to when I only plan to tell those who I would want to see after when that day is.
Ultimately it's your decision, but I think you could go about this a completely different way.
1. Don't tell them when you're having the scheduled c/s, then call them so they can visit when you're ready.
2. They're the grandparents, be glad that they are hurt that you won't let them see baby the day it's born. You are lucky they are so excited to be part of that baby's life.
3. Rather than fight about it now with them, keep your decision private until you have to share. For example, tell them you'll call them as soon as you're allowed to have visitors and are out of surgery. Then call when you're ready . .be it 4 hours later or 30 hours. Explain that b/c your surgery is planned, you may be pushed back. Turn your phones off and don't allow the hospital to share information about you.
I have had three c/sections. The first was an emergency at 32 weeks and the other two were scheduled. Honestly, for me those first 24 hours were when I felt my best. It could have been because I still had the pain medicine hooked into my back, but I honestly felt great ( although I did get tired). IT was the next two days when I felt the worst. I was given oral pain meds and they weren't working as well, I was trying to walk, I was constipated, I was exhausted, I felt stinky and I didn't feel like wearing makeup or fixing my hair. Those were the days when I asked for no visitors.
During my last c-section, I specifically remember sitting up in my bed a few hours after having him, talking to visitors and thinking " Hey, this isn't bad at all. I hope this recovery is really easy." The next day I remember thinking " Oh, dear god, spoke too soon." Now, I know everyone's recovery is different and you certainly are entitled to the kind of birth experience that you want. I just wanted to give you something to think about.
While I have a much different opinion about the c/s I agree with you about the visitors. I wasn't going to have any during labor and for as long after the birth as I wanted to be alone with the baby. Family wasn't too happy about the plan and neither was DH. I don't want people sitting around staring at me after a major surgery either. Who wants to endure the awkward walk to the bathroom with a backless gown in front of Uncle Larry? Long story short I had an unplanned c/s and family was there shortly before I even made it to the OR. I wasn't mad though bc if for no other reason they were there to help DH who was freaking out. Our hospital doesn't have visiting hours and I had some who did stay a little too long. I just started dozing and they got the picture. Don't mess up your pain med or breastfeeding schedule for ANY visitor though!
I'm cautious of accepting the the general your baby is too big/your pelvis is too small diagnosis. I hear it way too often and from many women for whom that turned out to be very untrue. Most drs will err on the side of extreme caution though bc nothing gets a lawsuit filed faster than a birth gone wrong. It's your baby, have him/her however you please. But the unsolicited comments NEVER stop! It's something you'll have to deal with your entire life as a parent!
I completely agree with you. Everyone reacts differently and you are right to plan like you are, and you can always change your mind if you feel up for it. I had an unplanned c after 27 hours of labor along with a bad reaction to the anesthesia- vertigo, non stop vomiting- couldn't even hold my head up. My husband told everyone to wait until the next day and it really was for the best- you have to concentrate on recovering and bonding that is the priority. By the next day I was 100% better, able to shower and actually enjoyed seeing everyone.
With our son, I wanted to wait until the next day to have visitors. I just didn't know how I would feel after major surgery, and didn't want to deal with anyone, especially my MIL. My parents are understanding and respected my wishes without complaint, I think they spent most the time on the phone calling all our relatives around the world anyway. My MIL was butt hurt and didn't even call for 2 days, get over it lady! I could care less, it is not about her and my DH felt the same way.
Turns out I would have been fine with visitors but I am still glad we planned it the way we did, and will be doing the same this time around. This includes our now 3 1/2 yo, it will be late in the day before we get to our room and it is long drive to the hospital for my parents to bring him.
As for the reasons you are having a c section, I wouldn't bother explaining to anyone else why, just simply that it is what you and your dr have decided is best for for. Good luck! Absolutely none of this will matter once you have that squishy baby in your arms.