Update and some questions

SareBear30 · January 2012

So, Tuesday was pretty bad. We went to the OB that morning and she did an ultrasound to confirm again. Hardest thing was that it actually looked like a baby for the first time, but there was definitely no heartbeat.

She gave me an rx for cytotec and I went home and it started about 3 hours later. I bled pretty continuously for about four hours, but fortunately the pain wasn't too bad until the end. I took another pain pill and passed out around 8. So then I was up yesterday morning around 3:30 and couldn't sleep. Which made for a long day, but I was determined to get to work. I did not want to sit around and cry all day and I didn't want to use more of my precious pto.

So we are hanging in there. It just sucks and I'm sad. I had had a bad feeling last week though, and I guess this is why. It also explained the headache I had, as my hormones had dropped.

Here are my questions:

One of my best friend's parents sent flowers. Do I send a thank you note for that?

-also, we had a dinner planned with 5-6 friends tonight to tell them the happy news. Since its no longer happy, DH and I felt conflicted on this. He wants to get back to the gym (back to normal routine and to cope) ad I was ok with canceling, but didn't want to be at home alone (and didn't want to make him sit with me.) So last night another friend posted about a cookin class that she has an extra ticket to. Perfect. I can have company, but don't have to talk, and DH can go to the gym. My question is, do I tell any of my friends what happened? I don't want to burden them, but I would also like the extra support and I feel like I'm lying to them. I told them that something came up and we couldn't make it, but left it at that. They all texted back asking if everything is ok and I want to say no, it's not, I'm so sad, but don't want to upset them too.

Sorry this is so long. Sorry if you are tired of my updates, but thank you if you read this far.

ali-1411 · January 2012

(((hugs))) I'm so sorry for your loss

I think a Thank You note for the flowers would be nice but not required or expected. If you feel so moved to write a note, then do it. If the pen just sits in your hand and nothing comes to mind, then I wouldn't worry about it.

I would tell my friends. This is exactly what friends are for, to support you when you need it. You would do the same for them and not worry about them upsetting you.

JenniferL923 · January 2012

ali-1411:
(((hugs))) I'm so sorry for your loss
I think a Thank You note for the flowers would be nice but not required or expected. If you feel so moved to write a note, then do it. If the pen just sits in your hand and nothing comes to mind, then I wouldn't worry about it.
I would tell my friends. This is exactly what friends are for, to support you when you need it. You would do the same for them and not worry about them upsetting you.

This this and this. I'm so sorry you are going through this. {{{hugs}}}

Abinormal · January 2012

If you feel comfortable telling them and need their support, then I'd tell them the truth. They are your friends and they should be there for you through both the easy and joyous parts of your life and the hard and sad parts of your life. I know that I'd want one of my friends to feel comfortable enough to share this information with me, but I also know that it's not always information that people feel comfortable sharing and that's ok too. I think your friends will be just fine either way and it may be nice to have their support. Like you said, you'd rather not be alone in the evenings and your friends could help to make that possible for you.

MC+KK · January 2012

Yes, tell your friends. It will make you feel so much better. I told everyone when I was just 4 weeks pg everytime in case something happened I wanted my friends and family to be there for me and to know what was going on. I'm so sorry your going through this. ((((hugs)))

L L CG · January 2012

Don't write a note if you don't want to.

Tell whoever you want about the m/c. I promise you aren't burdening them. They love you and want to comfort you.

I'm so sorry. Hugs.

NoeliaV · January 2012

L L CG:
Don't write a note if you don't want to.
Tell whoever you want about the m/c. I promise you aren't burdening them. They love you and want to comfort you.
I'm so sorry. Hugs.

Ditto to all of this. I'm so sorry and am sending you big fat hugs.

cls052909 · January 2012

Hang in there lots of hugs to you. I think you should tell your friends if you are comfortable talking about it. Besides what are friends for if they can't be there through the hard times? Or maybe just tell one or two you are the closest to. I know if I was one of your close friends I would want to be there for you. Keeping you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers.

OrangeFelt · January 2012

to you. I think you should tell your friends if it helps.

agran · January 2012

big hugs. I would tell your closest friends-- it was really helpful in our loss to hear from women who had been through a similar experience. You will get some people who just say the absolute wrong thing but the good overcomes those people.

I sent thank you notes for all the flowers and donations we got for Lilly. It was cathartic and felt like I was doing something for her. Do what makes you feel comfortable. There are no rules of ettiquette in grief.

FWIW when I got back into my routine things did get a whole lot easier to deal with. I also think going back to the gym has been extremely helpful in improving my mood. I'm so sorry for your loss.

brooke152 · January 2012

I am so sorry you're going through this. Personally, I think I would tell my closest friends. I would never, ever feel burdened by a friend telling me something like this. That's what friends are for. ((hugs))

MrsAJL · January 2012

I'm so sorry for your loss.

A thank you note would be nice for the flowers, but not necessary if you don't feel up to it.

As for friends, if you were planning a special dinner to share the happy news, then I think it's appropriate to tell them, when you're ready, about the m/c. I think your friends would be upset to find out much later or from someone else. When a good friend of mine had her first m/c, she didn't tell anyone until much later and I wish she hadn't waited. Myself and all of her friends were ready to be a support to her. News like this is not a burden to friends.

Jess.O · January 2012

L L CG:

Don't write a note if you don't want to.

Tell whoever you want about the m/c. I promise you aren't burdening them. They love you and want to comfort you.

I'm so sorry. Hugs.

I agree with this, too. Lots of ((hugs)) to you. I'm so sorry.

SareBear30 · January 2012

Thanks everyone. And agran, I absolutely agree about getting back into routine, which is why I want DH to go, I just don't physically feel up to the gym for another few days. But getting back to routine is why I came on back to work yesterday. I'm waffling between such sadnes and anger that this happened, I know that's part of the grieving process too, but I don't like it! Each day is different and painful in its own way.

I think it's also hard that several of my coworkers know and are being supportive, and I want to cry and sob and talk about it, but won't let myself and I tell them I'm fine and then go back to my office to cry. Maybe I shouldn't be back yet.

AustinBride06 · January 2012

I know exactly how you feel. In fact it was this time last year that I was going through the exact same thing. It sucks. I hate that you are having to experience all of this.

The day I found out about my (missed) miscarriage I also had a dinner planned with my closest friends and was going to tell them the good news. Two of them already knew so I told them ahead of time but never ended up telling the other two that didn't know yet. I know they would have been amazingly supportive and so it's not that I thought it'd be weird. But I was like you, I wanted to feel some sense of normalcy. I wanted to laugh and joke and DRINK and not have a cloud hanging over the entire table with no one knowing what to say. I had one of my friend (that knew) drive me home (with another stop at a bar on the way). DH didn't understand that I needed to go to this dinner as planned, but he went out with a friend as well that night. Then we met back at home and I basically collapsed and cried uncontrollably.

I didn't take any time off work at all. The day I found out, I had a photo shoot that I couldn't miss so I just went and tried to get my mind off things and ran to the bathroom when I felt tears coming on.

When my second miscarriage happened I didn't take any time off work either and took the cytotec again to pass it at home on a weekend. I did not want anyone at work to know. I wouldn't have been able to get through the day if people were looking at me strangely w/o knowing what to say or coming up and giving hugs and sympathies, etc. I couldn't deal with that and just had to forge on.

I'm not saying that that was the right thing to do. I probably didn't give myself adequate time to grieve. But I kicked into survival mode and that was the only thing I could do. Luckily I was already seeing a counselor for therapy regularly so that helped a lot.

Sending more hugs your way.

ETA: just realized I didn't answer your questions really. If it were me, I'd do the cooking class and cancel the dinner and tell friends over email or text. But that's just me.

el_twirpo · January 2012

L L CG:
Don't write a note if you don't want to.
Tell whoever you want about the m/c. I promise you aren't burdening them. They love you and want to comfort you.
I'm so sorry. Hugs.

this exactly. so sorry for your loss.

brideonjuly8 · January 2012

SareBear30:
Thanks everyone. And agran, I absolutely agree about getting back into routine, which is why I want DH to go, I just don't physically feel up to the gym for another few days. But getting back to routine is why I came on back to work yesterday. I'm waffling between such sadnes and anger that this happened, I know that's part of the grieving process too, but I don't like it! Each day is different and painful in its own way.
I think it's also hard that several of my coworkers know and are being supportive, and I want to cry and sob and talk about it, but won't let myself and I tell them I'm fine and then go back to my office to cry. Maybe I shouldn't be back yet.

I cried every day for about 6 weeks, even multiple times a day. It's okay, they understand. All my friends knew I was pregnant by 12 weeks, so they all knew when I miscarried and they were wonderfully supportive. And the ones that had had a miscarriage themselves were great to talk and cry to. But do what you feel comfortable with.

I'm so sorry. If you want to get together to talk or cry or laugh, just let me know.

(( hugs))

austxgrl · January 2012

ali-1411:

(((hugs))) I'm so sorry for your loss

I think a Thank You note for the flowers would be nice but not required or expected. If you feel so moved to write a note, then do it. If the pen just sits in your hand and nothing comes to mind, then I wouldn't worry about it.

I would tell my friends. This is exactly what friends are for, to support you when you need it. You would do the same for them and not worry about them upsetting you.

I agree with this. Hugs sweetie!

sweetdreams2000 · January 2012

I didn't tell my friends at first when I had my m/c. I don't know why I didnt tell them, but in hindsight, I wish I would have. When I finally told them, I was surprised that several of them had gone through very similar experiences. It was like a secret that no one wanted to talk about. That kind if made me a little regretful that I hadn't leaned on them for support, and that I had put a lot of the burden on my DH. If you're comfortable telling them, then I would tell 1 or 2 of them. Just to get it off your chest and so that you don't have to pretend that you're happy around them.

Lots of hugs going to you - I know so well how you feel. Its okay to cry, its okay to be sad and mourn, and its okay to take time for yourself to heal. I struggled with that, and tried to put on the happy face right away and pretend nothing had happened. I think it made it worse =(.

AmethystBride · January 2012

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think it would be nice to send a thank you note for the flowers.

If you feel like you want to tell your friends, by all means tell them. When I had my first loss, I wrote an e-mail to my small group of close friends telling them what happened (they knew we had been TTC). I found it a little awkward at first, but felt so much better after sending it off, and even better with all of the support I received. When we all got together later that month, it was nice to be able to talk about it openly with them and answer their questions candidly.

**hugs**

amycathy · January 2012

sweetdreams2000:
I didn't tell my friends at first when I had my m/c. I don't know why I didnt tell them, but in hindsight, I wish I would have.

I was the same way, I didn't tell anyone at first, but strange as this sounds it was easier for me to tell a perfect stranger (well a staff memeber of mine), before I felt comfortable telling some of my friends. Heck my best friend still doesn't know what happened. It's not that I am ashamed, I just wanted to get past it and go on with my life on the outside but on the inside, I was still sad and probably will be for a while.

Hugs and please feel free to contact me if you need anything.

Amy

MrsNole · January 2012

No, I don't think in this situation you would need to send a TY note.

If you feel comfortable in telling your friends, and feel they would give you the support you need/deserve then absolutely let them know.

bluestreet · January 2012

You've gotten great advice already, but I just want to send big hugs!

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