Brand new to adoption, mind if I ask a few basic questions?

ct103 · January 2012

Hello adopters/adoptees,

Here's a brief history of my relationship to the concept of adoption: I've always loved the idea of it. When my husband and I were ready to have a family, and TTC was not going well, my interest in adoption spiked. We were feeling so confident and comfortable with the idea of it that we were close to making the first move. Then, I got pregnant, only to miscarry 7 weeks later. This experience has sent us tumbling through space. Honestly, I really don't feel like myself because of all the grief and insanity that comes from TTC after a loss. So last night I re-visited the idea of adoption in my mind, and it felt pretty good. I know that adoption definitely isn't easy, but somehow I feel stronger fighting that fight than fighting my own body to have a successful pregnancy. I haven't even told my husband that I've starting to think of adopting again, and it may take him a while to get on the same wavelength as me since he got so excited about having biological children when I got pregnant.

I would definitely be choosing international adoption since hubby and I are both multinationals, and love our culture diversity. We are veterans of the immigration process so government forms don't phase us! Would any international adopters be willing to share some of your experiences with me?

More questions to come I'm sure but I first wanted to respectfully introduce myself and let you all know where I stand. I consider you all my mentors, so please don't hesitate to tell me the truth, even if you think it's not what I want to hear! You all are wonderful and thank you.

Dr.Loretta · January 2012

Hi and welcome. I hope that you and your DH are on the same page soon, and that you can get the ball rolling! I have no experience with international adoption, but I just wanted to say hi and ask as many questions as you need. There's an FAQ at the top of the board that may help too.

GL!

Amy720 · January 2012

I don't have any experience with IA, but I hope everything works out for you.

mommytoconnor · January 2012

Welcome. I don't have experience with IA, as I adopted locally. But it was the best decision I ever made. I finalized my son's adoption 7 months ago. Adoption is definately not for the faint of heart, but the end reward is amazing. I wish you luck in your pursuit.

CaptainSerious · January 2012

Hi, and welcome!

My husband and I adopted our son from Peru in July 2010, when he was 7 years old. We are currently getting ready to travel there again, to adopt another little boy who was in his orphanage (who is currently 5 years old). Which is the first thing you should know: it is highly unlikely that you will adopt an infant internationally. Generally, the youngest children come to the US at about 13 months or so.

International adoption can be very tricky, because you not only have to meet US and your state's laws and regulations, but also those of the country/region from which you are adopting. It can get really frustrating, because typically, their societal norms, and therefore their laws and processes, can differ greatly from ours. Also, if the country or their adoption is in anyway unstable, you can run the risk of it shutting down while you are in the middle of the process, so you want to protect yourself from losing too much in case this happens.

So, what I typically recommend is that you start by check out an introductory book on the subject. Not only will it outline all the types of adoptions, it will help you figure out what you should look for in a country program and agency. I think books like Adoption for Dummies or The Complete Idiot's Guide To Adoption (which I used) are a great place to get started. They provide lots of basic information on adoption, the different types, the processes, and how to research an agency. Other good books are The Complete Adoption Book and You CAN Adopt.

Once you know what to look for, you?ll then need to pick from which country you wish to adopt. The US Department of State's website lists the requirements to adopt from each country (https://adoption.state.gov/).

Once you've made your country choice, you'll need to find an agency that has a program specializing in adoptions from that country. The yahoo group "Adoption Agency Research" is a phenomenal resource for vetting agencies, is dedicated to giving honest feedback on agencies. You can ask about the agencies you are interested in directly, and also search their archives and files. I usually recommend that you choose an agency that has a strong program in that country. There are some great agencies that have some really strong programs in countries they've been working in for some time...and some fledgling programs in countries that are new to them. Even though these agencies are generally highly recommended, their newer programs may not work as well as those that are more renowned, because they haven't had the time and experience to figure out all the kinks, establish strong contacts, and become aware of all the pitfalls.

It's also a good idea to find an agency that has a strong program in more than one country you are interested in. Adoption programs can be very volatile, as they are dependent on the laws of multiple countries/compacts, diplomatic relations, public perception, etc. It's not unheard of for a country to drastically slow down their process or close entirely, and if your agency specializes in more than one country you are interested in, you should be able to transfer to another program with limited difficulty or cost (you should make sure of this when interviewing agencies).

I hope this helps as you start. I know that it's all a bit overwhelming in the beginning, but if you do your research and take it one step at a time, you will build a strong understanding as you go along. We're also always here if you have any specific questions.

Good luck!

miss1180 · January 2012

Hi! Welcome!

definitely feel free to ask anything you want- this is a great board! we're actually in the process for IA right now! :-) we're adopting a little boy from Korea! he's 14 months old right now, and we're hoping to travel sometime before summer to bring him home! so, far the process has been pretty smooth. A TON of goverment forms, but my husband works for the army, so he's use to the goverment "stuff" and it doesn't scare him! haha

like somebody else said, the hardest thing with IA is that you have to meet the US laws, your state laws, AND the country that you want to adopt from. So, I would start doing research now on the different country programs and what is required, so you can narrow it down. each country is different in terms of the age/sex of kids available for adoption, the medical care available, the information that you get on your child, the age you have to be to adopt....

for us, we picked Korea for a few reasons. I read great things about the medical care there- the babies get the same vaccines on the same schedule as they would here. i also really liked that most of the babies are in foster care while they wait to come home- no orphanages. This really helps with their development, and attachement once they come home. we've also gotten a lot of information about our son. he goes for a check once a month, and they send us every one of them. so its nice to get updates and see how he's gaining weigt, what developmental things he's doing, etc. BUT the process is slowing down a lot because the Korean government is starting to limit how many kids go for international adoption every year.

i can also recommend out agency- Holt international. they work in a bunch of different countries, and are just really great all around. always answer our questions quickly, get back to us quickly, make sure we are doing everything we need to do...

ct103 · January 2012

Wow, thank you all so much. Time for me to start studying, yay! I'll keep you posted. In the meantime I am just so grateful. You ladies are incredible.

inlovewithB · January 2012

I didn't read all the posts above, bc I am pretty busy with my baby girl. I just wanted to say it is totally normal for one spouse to take a little longer to be "ready to start the process". I was ready 1 month after our loss, but it took MH another 7 months to tell me he was ready. In that time I researched as much as I could and we were able to get started as soon as he was emotionally ready.

jillianmb · January 2012

Your story has a lot of similarities as ours! We did not have a miscarriage, but we did have two "false positive" pg tests, which we think may have been chemical pregnancies. Either way it was a hard fall to go from being so excited to not being pregnant, although I'm sure not as hard as a miscarriage. I'm sorry for your loss.

We also always wanted to adopt and after more than a year of TTC we decided to pursue adoption. We found a waiting child in Russia who we are currently pursuing (19 month old little boy). So far we have almost completed the home study stage and have been doing a lot of fund raising to pay for the adoption.

The thing I can relate to you most about is that for me, adoption is much MUCH less stressful than TTC. Like you, I went through the immigration process so the paperwork doesn't scare me (though I still find it terribly boring!). Going through the immigration process has definitely helped prepare me for the ups and downs of international adoption.

Deciding to stop TTC and pursue adoption wasn't easy, but it also wasn't terribely hard. I knew in my heart it was the right decision and I am so much more at peace now than I was when we were TTC.

Feel free to ask me any questions!

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Brand new to adoption, mind if I ask a few basic questions?

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