wishy washy DH now said DE my choice...

BeckyP005 · January 2012

Hello all...again. hope all of you are doing ok...still lurk from time to time,not healthy for sure since I left this board devastated.

After weeks of crying, being angry at the world, ignoring DH at times, and seeing a therapist I told DH I hope I don't regret this later down the road and I don't care if we lost all that $ if didn't work. So last night we were on the phone for an hour pondering our thoughts and he said it's my decision and will be ok on what I decide to do. Now I talked to a long time friend earlier in the day who is doing IVF and told me that if DH ever gave me the chance I should jump right on it since she knows how much I wanted to be a mom.

Well I get that miracle of a chance and I couldn't say yes. Can you believe it? I'm sure some of you would slap me silly. I felt like some sort of peace washed over me last night. I can't explain it. Is this a sign that I will be ok w/o a child? Was talking to Bubs before he called and I was so going to fight for it. I almost feel sorry for DH that everything is always about me and not him. He would love to go to Italy or Alaska but with a child we can't afford it. Why is it so hard just to have the words yes or no come out of my mouth At one point we joked we were going to flip a coin...bad I realize but we BOTH laughed...something I havent been able to do when we talk about this.

Sorry this is long. Any thoughts on my behavior?? I don't even know if I make sense.

BeckyP005 · January 2012

Oh and my wonderful therapist said do you ever realize when you are 55 the child will be 10? Yes thanks for mentioning that...didn't realize

Kat28655 · January 2012

Althought not really the same, I'm in a similar wishy-washy place about having a 3rd child. I'm afraid of making the wrong decision and regretting it later. I'm not sure what the 'wrong' choice is.

I wish you peace in your decision making and comfort in whatever you and DH choose for your family. Good Luck!!

Country Girl in the City · January 2012

BeckyP005:
Oh and my wonderful therapist said do you ever realize when you are 55 the child will be 10? Yes thanks for mentioning that...didn't realize

Are you sure that the therapist is a good fit for you? That comment seems a little judgemental and doesn't help you to move forward with whatever you decide. It is such a hard decision. Good luck on making the right decision for you.

Mrs.McIrish · January 2012

Hi Becky,

I've been thinking about you as I do read your posts on CFNBC and know that you still lurk here. I've wanted to say hi and see how you are doing but didn't want to post over there or call you out here.

I truly understand where you are coming from. I am in a similar position as I know DH doesn't want to do DE but will say YES if I say that's what I want to do. He doesn't want to disappoint me and says he can't say "no" to me. So, I know I have the "hand' if you will but I can't use it because I don't want to force DE on him. I think it has to be a joint decision and I want him to want it. I think that's what you are experiencing. You don't just want DH to say OK. You want him to be on board 100% because it is a big deal.

I think the therapist is an a$$ and you should look for a new one. I think DH saying OK, whatever you want, is a positive step. Maybe he could go to a new therapist with you and maybe he will come around to wanting this and not just saying OK. Do you know his reasons for not wanting it?

mtlaurel · January 2012

I wonder if a different therapist would be helpful, too. That was an extremely insensitive, thoughtless question.

It's not an easy decision, and I wouldn't want to feel like it was all up to me. I hope you can reach a point where you feel like you've made a thoughtful and informed decision together with your DH. Good luck.

BeckyP005 · January 2012

Mrs.McIrish:

Hi Becky,

I've been thinking about you as I do read your posts on CFNBC and know that you still lurk here. I've wanted to say hi and see how you are doing but didn't want to post over there or call you out here.

I truly understand where you are coming from. I am in a similar position as I know DH doesn't want to do DE but will say YES if I say that's what I want to do. He doesn't want to disappoint me and says he can't say "no" to me. So, I know I have the "hand' if you will but I can't use it because I don't want to force DE on him. I think it has to be a joint decision and I want him to want it. I think that's what you are experiencing. You don't just want DH to say OK. You want him to be on board 100% because it is a big deal.

I think the therapist is an a$$ and you should look for a new one. I think DH saying OK, whatever you want, is a positive step. Maybe he could go to a new therapist with you and maybe he will come around to wanting this and not just saying OK. Do you know his reasons for not wanting it?

McIrish...omg I can't believe you are in kinda the same boat. Yes I have the "hand" but not sure I like having it. When DH tells me to go for it I want him to be jumping up and down like me but know that wouldn't happen..maybe even let's try and we will be great parents! That's why I feel so sad and torn on what to do but it shows me how much he loves me to do this.

The therapist I think was listing all the pros and cons but after I left I felt like she was pushing me towards not having one at my age. Will be 44 in May. So that's another BIG issue.

Reasons on why not a definite yes? He mentions he is tired now..wants to find another job which might include traveling but I say cross that bridge when you come to it...has sleep apnea and takes meds to sleep at night so no helping me with night feedings...wouldn't be able to afford Italy where he's always wanted to go...worried about $ for college since we just spent over $17,000 on having the child. Stuff like that...worries like every other couple. This decision seems to be on a whole other level now. Guess I will keep on "thinking"

Llamamama · January 2012

Wow I can't believe a therapist would make such a judgemental statement! They are supposed to remain objective, aren't they? Perhaps his/her influence is what is making you so wishy washy all of the sudden.

It sounds like dh wants you to be happy--even if DE was not what he predicted as the best course for building your family, he might be realizing that making you happy is really what is most important--it is not so much HOW you get your baby, but that you get one.

I hope that you have peace in whatever decision you make.. know that you have a LOT of support here!

annalisel · January 2012

Country Girl in the City:
BeckyP005:
Oh and my wonderful therapist said do you ever realize when you are 55 the child will be 10? Yes thanks for mentioning that...didn't realize

Are you sure that the therapist is a good fit for you? That comment seems a little judgemental and doesn't help you to move forward with whatever you decide. It is such a hard decision. Good luck on making the right decision for you.

I disagree. The comment isn't expressing a negative (or positive) opinion. It's merely a statement of fact. The therapist isn't there for support. They are to help you best deal with emotions and consider all sides of a decision. The therapist must have considered this a relevant fact for the poster in her decision.

I'm guessing I feel this way because I see nothing wrong, or all that unusual, about having a 10 year old at 55.

annalisel · January 2012

Hmm. I don't know. I suppose I agree with McIrish about how you want it to be a joint decision that you are both excited about and that is why you are hesitating. (Just like deciding to TTC in the first place) But, this is also the first you've mentioned about your DH's reservations beyond money in that he's mentioning the things you'd have to give up. Does he feel that you, as a couple, will be just as happy, if not happier, childless?

It's a wonderful reflection on your marriage that your DH is willing to do this life changing thing that he's not sure he wants for you. I am sure, if you move forward, that he will be happy once you are pregnant with his child.

I think the two questions you need to be asking yourself are "What will you regret when you are 70?" and "Which decision will lead to a happier life/marriage?"

Good luck.

Reilly626 · January 2012

I don't like that therapist comment either. I think you need to follow your heart. And if you want a child do what you need to do. I wish you strength and peace in your decision.

MelleTX · January 2012

I wish I had some good advice, but I will just pass along a small nugget my sister-in-law shared with me. Back story - my brother was super-duper-cheap and did not want to spend the $$ on fertility and IVF, but he did and they have triplets. 7 years later, he passes away and she is a single mom.

I was talking to her about IVF since she has been there and really harping on the cost and other things I can do with the money (travel). She said that money comes and goes and basing a life choice on money was not wise. You can make more, you can spend less. You can win the lottery, you can go bankrupt. Money and love should never be part of the same equation.

Will a trip to Alaska make up for not having a child? Will having a child make up for not being able to travel to Europe once a year?

Whatever you decide, I hope you and your DH come to that decision together.

And yeah, your therapist is a jerk.

Country Girl in the City · January 2012

MelleTX:

I wish I had some good advice, but I will just pass along a small nugget my sister-in-law shared with me. Back story - my brother was super-duper-cheap and did not want to spend the $$ on fertility and IVF, but he did and they have triplets. 7 years later, he passes away and she is a single mom.

I was talking to her about IVF since she has been there and really harping on the cost and other things I can do with the money (travel). She said that money comes and goes and basing a life choice on money was not wise. You can make more, you can spend less. You can win the lottery, you can go bankrupt. Money and love should never be part of the same equation.

Will a trip to Alaska make up for not having a child? Will having a child make up for not being able to travel to Europe once a year?

Whatever you decide, I hope you and your DH come to that decision together.

And yeah, your therapist is a jerk.

Thank you for sharing that story. Sometimes I think that I am foolish for spending so much on "the baby project". This helps put things into perspective.

BeckyP005 · January 2012

Oh my goodness thank you for all your support and comments. I know you ladies can't tell me what to do but it is nice to hear what your thoughts are and sometimes I might overlook a fact. You all have great points for me to consider. I know I'm not usually clear on things but DH does not have an issue with DE. I am not going to think about it tonight....my brain is in overload. Thank god I'm not a nurse because I'm sure I would of given a wrong dose of meds or something bad today

Thanks again..

Bubs711 · January 2012

Becky, you already know I think you should go for it, and I hope you know that if you do I will be there to support you every step of the way. If you decide that's not the right path for you, though, that decision will be okay. I think Melle gave you good advice. I know none of us can make the decision for you, but we're always here for you! {{{HUGS}}}

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