Why is everyone so negative?

meganandjorge · January 2012

I'm not sure if it's the relatively recent acceptance of post-partum depression and the very legitimate desire to share this possibility with the expectant moms, but it seems like so much of what I hear when I share my pregnancy is negative. And on the boards it's a lot of venting about tough it is, how we all need to prepare for the difficulties of having children. I'd love it if more people were focused on the positive aspects of everything, the blessing, the life change that makes your world richer. Is anyone else experiencing this, and if so, how are you shifting the conversation?

KissyFishyLips · January 2012

I'm a believer in the idea that it is what you make of it. But I'm also realistic about it. Pregnancy and early parenthood can be hard and ugly (coming from someone who had a miscarriage; followed by a twin pregnancy where we tragically lost one twin in the 2nd tri, had all kinds of scares with the surviving twin, developed pre-eclampsia, had a tough delivery, and was on watch for stroke/seizures and bleeding out after delivery; followed by 3.5 months of an incredibly difficult and high-needs newborn). But there were positives to all of that, of course....And here I am, doing it all over again, on purpose :-)

DH and I aren't the kind to dwell on the negative aspects - but dude, we didn't deny them or gloss over it all, either.

kiwi625 · January 2012

Well, I'm sorry that you're receiving so much negativity when you're sharing your pregnancy news. I would be disappointed with that.

However, when it comes to the boards... I feel like in the past many women kept their struggles in the dark. I've heard mothers say numerous times that no one ever warned them about how hard it was, or the unpleasant things that can go along with pregnancy and child-rearing. I think more people are willing to be honest about the fact that it's not all puppies, rainbows and happy baby kisses. I cannot imagine going through this for the first time and feeling alone in my discomforts, fear and all the other emotions I've had. For that, I am grateful.

sarah.scholz · January 2012

I think this forum would be pretty boring if all we every posted about was how blessed we are and how we are just glowing etc. Plus, that is a lie. Everybody's pregnancy is different, and while we all have high points and low points, we usually share our high points and excitements with our SO's, whereas our vents we come here because other pregnant women understand the aches and pains.

Does this mean that pregnancy sucks all the time? No! I just think the nature of the forums leads to more venting/worrying/confessing. Plus, nobody likes that person who only posts about how blessed their life is, how great their spouse is, how big their salary is, how awesome their new car is etc. This is real life! Plus my back is killing me! :O)

surprise3rd · January 2012

I have generally always had very easy pregnancies, no morning sickness, no pre-e, no gest. diabetes, etc. When people ask me how I am feeling and I answer great they are shocked. They tell me that they never met a pregnant woman who felt great. I find this odd.

As far as the PPD part of it, I struggled with some mild PPD after my DD was born, and it helped to talk about it, and now I am definately an advocate to moms who think they might be struggling with PPD to talk to their dr. and get some help.

Vive · January 2012

I think a lot of people on the boards are venting because IRL some of us (and no not me) get constantly told to enjoy the good things about pregnancy when all the mother to be has thus far experienced has been pretty horrible things (MS, pain etc etc).

As for wider society, I wouldn't say your experience is entirely common... Personally I'm not regularly an optimist and I would rather be told the not so nice things as well as the positives, and yes maybe even instead of. I think it's helpful to know the worst that can happen so I don't find myself blindsided by them.

Is there a reason why people keep telling you that side? Are they trying to show you concern, are they subconsciously (or consciously) judging something in your life about this baby? Are the people you accuse of being this way regularly like this (if so why did you expect otherwise)?

meagan.pilkington · January 2012

kiwi625:

Well, I'm sorry that you're receiving so much negativity when you're sharing your pregnancy news. I would be disappointed with that.

However, when it comes to the boards... I feel like in the past many women kept their struggles in the dark. I've heard mothers say numerous times that no one ever warned them about how hard it was, or the unpleasant things that can go along with pregnancy and child-rearing. I think more people are willing to be honest about the fact that it's not all puppies, rainbows and happy baby kisses. I cannot imagine going through this for the first time and feeling alone in my discomforts, fear and all the other emotions I've had. For that, I am grateful.

Well said! Some people can be much more negative than others in sharing their frustrations, and that can be annoying at times. However I totally agree that it is a great thing to be able to vent and share in these scary/fun times. There are so many aspects of pregnancy that are not necessarily negative but just uncomfortable and hard to deal with and it's important to know you're not alone and to have a sae environment such as this to share and get advice and encouragement when you're feeling down/frustrated.

With that said though, there are actually quite a few positive posts that I've seen on this board in the last couple of days. A lot of women post that they are excited about getting maternity clothing, having their a/s appointment, picking out names, etc... I think there is a good balance depending on how many posts you read in a any given week

On a happy note: Despite the discomforts and emotional ups and downs, I am 15w3d and so far am really enjoying my pregnancy for the most part! I feel more upbeat and happy lately, like everything is great, it's kinda weird...

KissyFishyLips · January 2012

Camskate:
That being said, I experienced the opposite. Everyone told me to "enjoy every minute", "such a blessing", etc. Don't get me wrong, it is a blessing! Honestly though, I wish someone would have told me the "ugly truth" so to speak. I felt hit over the head with DS when he was a nb. We experienced every minor (thankfully) complication and he was a really intense, high needs baby. It was ridiculously hard and hearing everyone discuss only the positive, made me feel alone, even guilty for not enjoying the nb days. Maybe other moms felt the same and want new moms to not feel so alone and that what they may be experiencing is normal.

This happened to us, too. It wasn't till we started telling friends/family about the difficulties we were experiencing that they started opening up and saying, "yeah, doesn't that suck?" hehe. Until then, all we ever heard was how fabulous it all is. Made us feel like we were doing something wrong!

missusbee · January 2012

Camskate:

That being said, I experienced the opposite. Everyone told me to "enjoy every minute", "such a blessing", etc. Don't get me wrong, it is a blessing! Honestly though, I wish someone would have told me the "ugly truth" so to speak. I felt hit over the head with DS when he was a nb. We experienced every minor (thankfully) complication and he was a really intense, high needs baby. It was ridiculously hard and hearing everyone discuss only the positive, made me feel alone, even guilty for not enjoying the nb days. Maybe other moms felt the same and want new moms to not feel so alone and that what they may be experiencing is normal.

Very well said.

It is important to have outlets where moms can relate to each other about the hard stuff. Because IRL, admitting the hard stuff can make moms feel guilty or judged. Which is the exact opposite of what a new mom should feel.

This blog post has made the rounds a lot recently, but I love the honesty she relates about this subject. If you haven't already, its a must-read:

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/dont-carpe-diem_b_1206346.html

RebeccaS6627 · January 2012

I don't feel that the boards are negative, just realistic. I don't know anyone who is in my situation, and it is easy to feel all alone. It is scary to feel sick and have weird symptoms, and it is very comforting to see that what I am feeling is normal. Also, as a FTM, there are so many things that I don't know, and it is so nice to have a community of women who have knowledge and experience to share.

jmk9 · January 2012

missusbee:
Camskate:

That being said, I experienced the opposite. Everyone told me to "enjoy every minute", "such a blessing", etc. Don't get me wrong, it is a blessing! Honestly though, I wish someone would have told me the "ugly truth" so to speak. I felt hit over the head with DS when he was a nb. We experienced every minor (thankfully) complication and he was a really intense, high needs baby. It was ridiculously hard and hearing everyone discuss only the positive, made me feel alone, even guilty for not enjoying the nb days. Maybe other moms felt the same and want new moms to not feel so alone and that what they may be experiencing is normal.

Very well said.
It is important to have outlets where moms can relate to each other about the hard stuff. Because IRL, admitting the hard stuff can make moms feel guilty or judged. Which is the exact opposite of what a new mom should feel.

I agree with both of you! It's nice to have other moms to relate to. I suffered from PPD after DD was born. I never told anybody because I felt guilty and ashamed of my feelings when it was supposed to be such a joyous time. Much of the first year, I felt completely alone. So it's nice to have somewhere to go where other people are experiencing the same thing.

meganandjorge · January 2012

I think it's important to vent. I've just been surprised by the level of negativity from people I barely know. And the heavy tilt towards how bad everything it is....For example, I've had terrible nausea and vomiting 6-7 times per day a good part of the first tri-mester. Had to go on meds to control it so I could get enough nutrition. Not fun. But so many responses were along the lines of "Just wait. It gets worse." I don't think we should all be in some kind of la la land bubble, but there are GOOD things happening too.

missusbee · January 2012

meganandjorge:
I think it's important to vent. I've just been surprised by the level of negativity from people I barely know. And the heavy tilt towards how bad everything it is....For example, I've had terrible nausea and vomiting 6-7 times per day a good part of the first tri-mester. Had to go on meds to control it so I could get enough nutrition. Not fun. But so many responses were along the lines of "Just wait. It gets worse." I don't think we should all be in some kind of la la land bubble, but there are GOOD things happening too.

Although largely I disagree with you (see comments above), I will say that for a certain percentage of moms, there is a war of suffering going on. Whereupon people will try to out-do each other with complaints and misery. The term "mommy-martyr" didn't come from nowhere.

KM121309 · January 2012

I am very very thankful for this baby. It is a huge blessing to be pregnant after a loss. But, pregnancy has been really hard for me. I think some people also have it harder than others, then some are bigger complainers. I'm having the opposite side of this: The people in my life want to talk about all the positives and be so happy, which is great. But, I am feeling miserable. My mom and best friend both had the easiest pregnancies you can imagine......they don't get it.

SallySunrise · January 2012

missusbee:
Camskate:

That being said, I experienced the opposite. Everyone told me to "enjoy every minute", "such a blessing", etc. Don't get me wrong, it is a blessing! Honestly though, I wish someone would have told me the "ugly truth" so to speak. I felt hit over the head with DS when he was a nb. We experienced every minor (thankfully) complication and he was a really intense, high needs baby. It was ridiculously hard and hearing everyone discuss only the positive, made me feel alone, even guilty for not enjoying the nb days. Maybe other moms felt the same and want new moms to not feel so alone and that what they may be experiencing is normal.

Very well said.
It is important to have outlets where moms can relate to each other about the hard stuff. Because IRL, admitting the hard stuff can make moms feel guilty or judged. Which is the exact opposite of what a new mom should feel.
This blog post has made the rounds a lot recently, but I love the honesty she relates about this subject. If you haven't already, its a must-read:
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/dont-carpe-diem_b_1206346.html

BAWLING! Thank you for sharing, missusbee. AMAZING article.

snickersforeveryone · January 2012

meganandjorge:
I think it's important to vent. I've just been surprised by the level of negativity from people I barely know. And the heavy tilt towards how bad everything it is....For example, I've had terrible nausea and vomiting 6-7 times per day a good part of the first tri-mester. Had to go on meds to control it so I could get enough nutrition. Not fun. But so many responses were along the lines of "Just wait. It gets worse." I don't think we should all be in some kind of la la land bubble, but there are GOOD things happening too.

I think I understand what you're trying to say. I've been really sick too, and the absolutely wonderful women on this board have been so supportive and helpful when I've been upset enough to post about it. IRL, with so many people worried about me, I downplay everything so that they won't worry more. The fact that I vent here doesn't mean I don't have more good, happy, enthusiastic moments with this pregnancy than bad ones (and I know this would also be true if I complained IRL). I do have some toxic people in my life who know nothing about how sick I've been, because they will give me the "aren't you sorry you got pregnant" or "you should have been careful what you wished for" responses that make me angry. I think it makes life easier to avoid giving ammunition to those types of people when possible. But here, we only see snippets of each others' lives. Some people only post when they have nowhere else to turn or vent, others are a calming influence, and still others are our comedic relief. We can't say that a woman here is only being negative, because we don't know what she's like all the time. She may just be having a moment of frustration or fear.

kiwi625 · January 2012

nicolemariek:
Motherhood is amazing, don't listen to the naysayers. Some people are just negative about everything or maybe they just weren't cut out to be moms.

I imagine motherhood is beyond amazing.

However, just because I'm looking forward to going through one of my 24-hour shifts without vomiting DOES NOT mean I am not cut out to be a mom.

nogitron · January 2012

RebeccaS6627:
I don't feel that the boards are negative, just realistic.

I agree! I feel like there's a good balance of venting/symptom complaining and happy/excited/good stuff posts around here.

For me, like the PP, I've had a pretty easy pregnancy so far. But if I posted about how great I feel, how excited I am, isn't pregnancy great? every couple of days . . . I can only imagine how the ladies that ARE having a hard time would feel about me!

Also, I feel like . . . everyone else in my life who's NOT pregnant only has a certain level of tolerance for listening to me talk about my pregnancy. Especially the negative stuff. But folks around here are all in the same boat, so it's an easier place to come to talk about all the crazy body/baby-related stuff that comes up. Other folks are going through the same thing and want to talk about it, too!

thethomps · January 2012

nicolemariek:
Some people are just negative about everything or maybe they just weren't cut out to be moms.

Really? Just because I hate being pregnant means I am not cut out to be a mom? I think I'm a pretty amazing mom to my daughter and I love her to pieces, which has NOTHING to do with the fact that pregnancy makes me miserable.

HRTB16 · January 2012

Camskate:

I can imagine hearing negativity nonstop would be tough to deal with, especially when you are over the moon expecting your first child.

That being said, I experienced the opposite. Everyone told me to "enjoy every minute", "such a blessing", etc. Don't get me wrong, it is a blessing! Honestly though, I wish someone would have told me the "ugly truth" so to speak. I felt hit over the head with DS when he was a nb. We experienced every minor (thankfully) complication and he was a really intense, high needs baby. It was ridiculously hard and hearing everyone discuss only the positive, made me feel alone, even guilty for not enjoying the nb days. Maybe other moms felt the same and want new moms to not feel so alone and that what they may be experiencing is normal.

Please please please read this and send to your friends who have kids. I have read this about 10 times and I feel happier and inspired after each time!

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/dont-carpe-diem_b_1206346.html

HRTB16 · January 2012

missusbee:
Camskate:

That being said, I experienced the opposite. Everyone told me to "enjoy every minute", "such a blessing", etc. Don't get me wrong, it is a blessing! Honestly though, I wish someone would have told me the "ugly truth" so to speak. I felt hit over the head with DS when he was a nb. We experienced every minor (thankfully) complication and he was a really intense, high needs baby. It was ridiculously hard and hearing everyone discuss only the positive, made me feel alone, even guilty for not enjoying the nb days. Maybe other moms felt the same and want new moms to not feel so alone and that what they may be experiencing is normal.

Very well said.

It is important to have outlets where moms can relate to each other about the hard stuff. Because IRL, admitting the hard stuff can make moms feel guilty or judged. Which is the exact opposite of what a new mom should feel.

This blog post has made the rounds a lot recently, but I love the honesty she relates about this subject. If you haven't already, its a must-read:

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/dont-carpe-diem_b_1206346.html

Apparently I didn't scroll down enough to see that you already posted this!!!! AMAZING!

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