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MIL...sigh
I love my MIL, but she can really drive me bananas. Even in the best of circumstances, my MIL can pile on the guilt and add a healthy dose of drama, and right now things are particularly challenging due to a huge blow up that happened over the holidays between DH and his brother (which MIL was witness to since she was visiting)...not to mention my FIL's death in November after a relatively brief battle with cancer. So everyone is a little on edge.
So, in that context...MIL calls last night to wish DD#2 a happy birthday. MIL has a knack for calling us right in the middle of something else...like when we've just walked in the door from work/school/daycare or we are trying to put the girls to bed...and then she gets a little grumpy because we don't want to talk for a long time. Last night, she called just as we were about to bring the cake out, so I had DD#1 answer the phone since my hands were full. DD#1 explained what was going on and put MIL on speaker so that we could all hear and participate in the conversation, which honestly DH and I were trying to keep short (it was after all around 7pm and 2 y.o. DD still needed to open presents...). A few snippets from the conversation:
MIL: Did anyone receive any packages?
Me: Yes, Mom, sorry I forgot to let you know they arrived yesterday. We haven't opened things yet though.
MIL: Yes, I know they arrived, I tracked them, but I thought someone would tell me when they arrived.
...then later:
DH (after MIL goes in to a great explanation of what she sent HIM for his birthday (which is next week): Okay, Mom, we're about to do Kristina's cake.
MIL: Oh, I see, you are busy and don't have time to talk...ok, well then, I guess I should go.
I know MIL is lonely and I also know that she gets frustrated with DH for not calling her more and I know that she probably wished she could have been with us last night (she lives in FL), but IMHO when you call on a kid's birthday, you keep it short and you assume you'll get more info later. It's not reasonable to expect that we're going to have a long conversation when we are trying to manage a birthday celebration squashed between a full work day and the need to get the kids to bed at a reasonable hour so they will actually function in the morning. And I don't want to have to feel guilty that I didn't call MIL the second her packages arrived to let her know they got here...
I love my MIL, but she also has a knack for inducing eye rolling...
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Re: MIL...sigh
hello my mom... My mom seriously gave me a guilt trip about having to get off the phone this morning when I walked into work. Mom - I had every single guy I work with here until 11pm last night covering the state of the union. I have *** to get through... call me later when you're more awake... not 6 am!
I feel you.. I truly do.
This is a great idea! I'm going to steal it and have my parents help do this with my grandparents for DS's 1st. thank you!
I had a crappy phone convo with my mom last night - hmmm - full moon maybe? We almost never argue but last night she stomped on my last nerve. Gotta love 'em, but yes, thank goodness eye rolls can't be seen over the phone. My eyes were rolling out of my head last night.
The guilt trips stink, I feel you. One thing that I think has helped us is that at different points both my mom and MIL stayed with us for a couple of weeks and got to see the day-to-day craziness that is our life on weekdays and on weekends.
They experienced and became part of our routines and really got to see firsthand why we orchestrate everything around naps and meals (because it is no fun for anyone if we don't), how we rush to get home from work and get dinner on the table before bedtime (because I promise, I would love to keep DS up past 6:30 but it just isn't possible), and how much of our time is consumed by taking care of things like packing lunches for the next day, washing bottles and dishes, etc. and how exhausted we are when it is finally 8 or 9 pm and we can finally sit down.
I'm not recommending a long stay, but maybe a couple of days of her being a part of everything could help?
Yes, good points re: videos and skype...and we do those things. We even posted a little video last night for everyone to see of DD#2 eating her cake. And the thing is that MIL should understand the rhythm of our life...she has been here and seen it...as recently as 2-3 weeks ago.
I think this is just the way it is with her...she never sees us enough, we don't call enough...there's always something. I know it comes from a good place--she loves her family and wants to feel connected (and frankly DH is not the best at reaching out)...it's just exhausting. I'm a people pleaser and it's hard to deal with if I feel like I'm not meeting expectations...even if the expectations are not completely reasonable every time. And while I'm sure my parents have those moments too where they feel like they aren't seeing us (mainly the grandkids;) enough, they are not as verbal about it as MIL is (and FIL was).
Too funny. I won't do it either. I like my MIL, but I am really close to my mom. She's the only one who gets that honorific.
I ditto the video. It really makes the grandparents happy. We've tried skype, but my folks struggle with it. We just switched to sending video via flip share and it's made a world of difference. Especially with my in laws who we only see a few times a year. (They live 8 hours away and MIL is in a wheelchair so travel is difficult from both our points of view).