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March 2012 Moms
lindslalala
member
"Why New Moms Need a Reality Check"
lindslalala
member
Not sure if this has previously been posted, but I stumbled across it tonight and thought I'd share (sorry not clicky!!):
https://modernhomemodernbaby.com/why-new-moms-need-a-reality-check/
DS born 3.12
DD born 7.14
This discussion has been closed.
Re: "Why New Moms Need a Reality Check"
https://modernhomemodernbaby.com/why-new-moms-need-a-reality-check/
Ok I think I got it to be a clicky.
And there is a lot of truth to what she says. I know one of the first nights my cousin had her baby home she called my aunt really early in the morning pretty much having a break down. Her son was crying and wouldn't stop, wouldn't nurse, etc. and she felt horrible because she couldn't comfort him.
She did get through it but those first few weeks weren't all sunshine and rainbows.
That is a refreshing and realistic view on what parenthood will be like. She is SO right, in that 90% of moms tell me how easy their labor was and how they hever felt better than when they were pregnant(both my mom and MIL) and how little weight they gained(MIL- "I only gained 17 lbs when carrying your DH") and it does put a lot of pressure on new moms to want to achieve the same effects as what everyone is telling us it will be and if we don't, we feel like it's our fault.
I tend to plan for the worst and hope for the best in general, and when I've passed this on to others they look down their nose at me (including our marriage counselor...) and tell me it won't be that bad or w/e. In reality, I'm just trying to mentally prepare myself and hearing other peoples fairytale stories doesn't help AT ALL.
As a STM, I say be prepared for anything and everything. Our DD started teething at 3 months- I thought no way could she teethe that early but low and behold that's exactly what it was. I thought I was just a crap mom for a while there.
Don't be afraid to call the pediatrician, your doctor, your mother or anyone else you think might be able to assist you during the early months because, without assistance, it will be difficult. Even if you have the world's most supportive husband the two of you together cannot do it and you should know who your resources are.
You won't be perfect so get the notion out of your head right now. There will be nights you'll be so pissed off at that little creature you created you'll have thoughts about wishing you didn't. But remember what's going on with that little baby is temporary. Take a time out, take a walk, call a friend- it's okay if baby cries for a little while after you know you've taken care of whatever need they may have (food, clean clothing, comfort)- sometimes babies do need to cry. That's hard for a lot of FTMs to hear but it's a fact. You don't need to run to them for every whimper and wail. Like I said, it's okay to just take a deep breath and then go in with a clearer head.
And yeah, you'll be sleep deprived and maybe a little sad but if you can't even manage to get out of bed, or you feel even slightly more "sad" than what is normal for you- CALL your doctor right away you don't have to suffer with PPD there are so many thing they can do to help you. Also remember sometimes PPD takes a while to show up and to leave, you can have PPD for up to a year or more after baby is born.
Last thing, you can do it! Women have been doing it for generations and we all have the ability within us to be good paretns, even if we aren't perfect ones. You make mistakes, you learn from them, you move on. This is the cycle of life outside of parenting and it should be the same when parenting.
Agree wholeheartedly with all of this!!
I had PPD after both girls and it didn't really come out until they were about 5/6 months old. I did therapy with my first bout and a lot of it had to do with what was covered in the article and what LillyGrrl said. After DD2 therapy didn't work, so I took Zoloft (which did not affect my nursing). This time around I plan on leaving the hospital with Zoloft and that makes me feel in more prepared for the chaos that is about to descend on us.
Being a new mom is so hard. While I felt about 100x better being "not pregnant," it was certainly a hard transition. Figuring out what DD needed, finding times and establishing a routine to pump, having the "witching hour" where DD would just scream and scream from 7-11pm for no apparent reason, it was SO difficult and frustrating at times. When DH went away for a night, or went back to work and was on overnight shifts, I was afraid to be alone with DD. I know there were nights where she just wouldn't settle down and both DH and I would be SO frustrated and angry at this tiny little person, who couldn't help it or communicate to us what was the matter except for screaming like that. Turns out, sometimes babies just cry. And that is ok. And it is also ok to put them in their crib and go sit in the bathroom for a minute and just cry, rather than keep getting angry at the baby. Better to take a minute and collect yourself than keep holding it in and getting more stressed.
I don't envy you who are FTM and I hope that the feeling of FTM doesn't return for me - I recently talked about it with a friend and it is just months of constantly second guessing, holding your breath and trying to muddle through and figure out what works. At first, it is a LOT of work for no reward. But then they start smiling, and cooing, and giggling. And stringing together a couple good hours of sleep. And you get to sleep for 4 straight hours and it is like a gift from the gods. And you get a good shower. And slowly you look back and think, "Hey that wasn't so bad and really it doesn't last SO long in the grand scheme of things."
The best news is that YOU are probably the only one who expects you to be perfect and even when you aren't, your baby still loves you and best of all, it doesn't really know the difference. So don't feel like a failure if you get angry or frustrated or need to ask for help with something. Somehow you manage and figure out what works for you and your family!
I felt like this article was a little harsh.
On one hand, I agree there are moms who need to give themselves a break. Transitioning to motherhood was harder than I ever imagined and the flood of hormones was insane, so much so I didn't even realize it at the time. I get that it's hard, and women need permission to relax. Still, I don't know why, but I just didn't care for the tone of the article.
The other thing I would argue is that yes, PPD is a tough spot to be in. I want women to get help. But I think the pendulum has almost swung too far the other direction and people are hyper sensitive to it. You cry and people are like, oh must be PPD. Um, no having a baby is a highly emotional situation. It changes so much about your life, and I think it's reasonable that you experiences some emotions during that time. Definitely talk with people about how you are feeling and explore those emotions, but realize that having some emotions, both good and bad, is totally normal.
I just want to chime in that I personally don't think the pendulum has swung too far re: PPD. Basically I would be surprised if anyone did not experience extreme or at least significantly heightened emotional reactions after giving birth...Because really what has happened is that the placenta secretes a ton of hormones, particularly progesterone and estrogen, and then when it suddenly disappears, you are left with a brand new hormonal balance. Such a drastic hormonal change, especially progesterone decrease, is almost certainly going to influence mood. (Progesterone is responsible for improving sleep quality, fat metabolism, libido, and having a natural calming effect, besides inducing the "maternal instinct" and baby bonding)
Over 80% of women world-wide have some sort of post-partum mood changes, not just those in the US, so I don't think it's just a cultural thing where we're over-reacting or over-sensitive.
(btw I wrote a paper on PPD for grad school recently, hence my nerdy post)
I think you guys are actually saying the same thing. Green said that of course there are mood changes to be expected. Personally, I know I couldn't get through the book "On the Night You Were Born" without flat-out sobbing for at least the first month of DD's life. There were times when I was stressed to the max, plus hormone changes, plus lack of sleep. But that doesn't mean just because I was crying, I had PPD. It is important for new moms and their partners/support people to be educated on the signs, but it also important to realize that just because you are not this bright shiny ball of happiness and everything doesn't always seem full of puppies and rainbows, you are not necessarily depressed. Mood changes =/= PPD.
Definitely agree, Irisheyes. One of things that best prevents/lifts post-partum moods is just knowing that the crazy moods are normal.
This is exactly what I was saying.