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C-sections
jb2rn
member
emotional healing
jb2rn
member
in C-sections
I had an unplanned c section after wanting a natural birth. 7 weeks later, I am still having difficulty accepting this. I feel like I was cheated. This may be my only child due to my age and some fertility issues.
If your c section was unplanned and/or traumatic, how did you get past it? It helped to talk to a good friend that had a similar situation with her c section, but I don't see her often.
I have days, weeks, where I don't think about it, and think I have made peace with it, but then I feel sad all over again.
b/w=FSH 15.6, AMH 0.4 surprise natural BFP on 3/12/11
DS born via unplanned C-section at 40w6d
DS born via unplanned C-section at 40w6d
This discussion has been closed.
Re: emotional healing
I can really relate to this. I've had/still have a terrible time accepting my c-section and I have a lot of unresolved anger towards the doctor that performed my c-section. I'm sort of ashamed of the way I feel about it because I have such a great life and baby and think I should just be able to get over it. It's also made me demonize a lot of OBs, especially the OBs at the hospital I delivered at, which is ironic because my brother and best friend are OBs and my husband is a doctor so I know that with rare exceptions, doctors are people that really care about their patients and want the best outcomes. On top of it, I know it's in my head, but having a c-section has made me feel like a disgusting and unattractive person. I had my scar, I hate my body, etc. I'm actually going to a therapist next week because I've noticed as I get further along in this pregnancy, a lot of issues I thought I was over just keep resurfacing and I think irrationally over them.
I would say time, but for me time has not helped and I need professional help. Because I was the same as you -- I'd go weeks and even months feeling fine with it and then something would happen and I would be back at square one upset about it.
this was really hard for me too. I had planned an unmedicated Bradley birth. I really thought it would be no problem as women in my family all seem to pop babies out with no problems. I am a freak and have a narrow pelvis, which was only discovered during the CS after 24 hours of labor, 16 of which was unmedicated. I cried when the doc said It was time to do the ECS. In my heart of hearts at that point I knew it was my only option, but I still grieved the loss of my vaginal birth experience. This was compounded by my difficulty breast feeding, but that is a whole different can of worms.
Things that have helped me:
-thanking God everyday for my beautiful baby. At the end of the day it just doesn't matter how she got here, she's here! She's happy and healthy and beautiful and wonderful. In the beginning I would just say a prayer everyday for this. I would also pray for the strength of acceptance. Eventually I started to finally believe it. Its true of course, but I didn't really believe it in the beginning.
-Journaling. I'm not a big journal-er but my MIL suggested it and I have never been so grateful for a suggestion. DH took baby duty and I sat down for like 2 hours and I just let it all out. I cried, I got mad, I released all of the bad feelings. I shared with the paper the things I just couldn't verbalize to anyone. This was the most cathartic release I have ever experienced and I highly recommend it. You can tell the paper things you wouldn't even be able to say out loud. It felt really good just to admit my feelings, some of which I was really ashamed of at the time. The journaling is really the thing that has allowed me to find peace.
I now look back on my CS and realize that it just really was not that big of a deal. Granted, it has taken me MONTHS to come to this acceptance of it. But what it really comes down to is that I have the most amazing little girl and I fought tooth and nail for her for 24 HOURS!!!!! We both tried our hardest, I could not have tried any harder for anything! And it didn't work out and that sucks, but ultimately I am no less of a mother for having to have a CS. She doesn't know the difference and she is just the same as if she had made her trip through the "traditional" route.
Another thing that I think about is the fact that even just a hundred years ago I would probably have been one of the women who died in child birth. So, lets just say I'm thankful for modern medicine being able to save me and my DD! A little on the dramatic side, but true none the less.
My first was an emergency (as everyone already knows, lol) Because I lost my son I don't have the ability to say well at least I got a healthy child out of it. The way that I came to peace with it is reminding myself that I got 8 amazing days with my child. If I didn't have a c/s when I did, he would have been a stillbirth or die during delivery because my cord failed.
I do struggle with never being able to try for a vaginal delivery, but those moments are few and far between now.
I planned a water birth with my first and ended up with an unplanned cesarean. It took me a long time to make peace with it. Talking to other people and just giving it time were what helped me feel better. Learning more about why I had my c-section and what could be done differently the next time I had a baby, whether vaginal or c/s, helped too.
You are only seven weeks out--give yourself time and be patient with yourself. If you feel like you are really struggling, counseling may be a good idea. It gets better, I promise. GL.
My c-section was unplanned and an emergency. DS's heart rate was dropping every time I pushed (labored down and pushed for 30 minutes). My doctor tried the vacuum 3 times and that failed as well. I was on piticin (sorry for the spelling) to open my cervix. I went from a finger tip to 10 centimeters in 45 minutes. However, since DS's heart rate was dropping and all the failed attempts to go natural the doctor said that it was time for a c-section. At that moment I felt like I have failed but my DH told me that all he cared about is that we (DS and I) will make it out alright and that the doctor knows what she is doing. DS head was way down in my pelvic area and his legs were up in my rib cage. They never told me what to expect during a c-section, I was just rushed to the OR where the doctor asked the anesthesiologist to give me another drug to relax my uterus from contracting like no tomorrow. On top of that I had 2 nurses pushing on my rib cage and 2 doctors down below trying to move DS's head so that the doctor can deliver him. Then I remember hearing her yelling I need a MALE DOCTOR IN HERE NOW. Shortly after that I heard them call the time 12:54pm but heard no baby crying. It turns out that he had his cord wrapped around his neck 2 times and was not breathing for 2 whole minutes. I asked DH why isn't DS crying and he said that everything was alright until he turned around. They had to breath for him for 2 minutes and rushed him to the NICU with DH as they closed me up which took 1 hour after delivery. You know it is bad when DH prays that God will take him and leave both me and DS alive. Still to this day the whole labor and delivery incident makes me cry because I could have lost DS and/or my life. I was not a textbook example of a c-section. And the whole process is one that my doctor will never forget. Still to this day (4 weeks PP) she stays in contact with me and always wants to see DS. She even visited him in the NICU each day when she checked up on me. There is no doctor like her.
So, from my experience I felt like I was cheated out of a natural (pain med) labor but came around to accept that since DS is doing fine. Every time we (DH and I) look at him we are so happy and just to see DS smile makes our hearts melt. I can say you will heal emotionally but there will always be a small scar there. But just keep looking up and stay positive and look at your LO and say thank goodness he/she made it to this world alive and in one piece.
thanks, ladies, your stories and support mean a lot. I went into labor naturally and stayed at home until contrax were 2 to 3 min apart, 60 seconds long. I thought for sure I was 6 cm at least...I was 2cm and then my water broke.
over 36 hours of labor I made it to a 9 (with Pit) but his HR went up to 160 and I got a fever. I know it was the right thing to do, but that doesn't take the sad feelings away.
my body is gross and scarred and I hate what was "done" to me. The worse part is when people say "as long as your baby is healthy, it doesn't matter how he got here". Of course I am happy he is healthy, but that doesn't make the bad feelings go away.
thanks again.
DS born via unplanned C-section at 40w6d
I haven't gotten past it yet. And I feel like it will be a very long time until I do. I was so traumatized by my labour/birthing experience that I don't want any more children.
Then, because I feel anxious and terrified by all this I start to feel guilty because I know MH would love more children and I know my LO would love a sibling.
Although I am still majorly affected by my emerg. c/s it has gotten some what better. For months I would cry every. single. day. At this point I think about it every day but I cry much less. Logically I know it was the only thing we could do so baby and I were safe and alive, but emotionally I'm devastated.
I think the majority of my guilt comes from my reaction to her birth and not being able to hold her right away. I was so exhausted (emotionally and physically) that I didn't have an "OMG that's my BABY" moment when she was born. And, then I was in the recovery room (baby wasn't allowed in there) and in extreme pain and the nurse was a huge bi@tch! And I didn't know where my baby was (she was with MH)
The emotional baggage I carry is more related to the c/s experience, not so much the fact that I wasn't able to naturally have a child. If that makes sense? I don't hold resentment for the fact I couldn't have a child naturally. It's more how the whole thing went down, KWIM?
I hope you, I and all the other ladies who have dealt with this can soon come to peace with our/their experiences. It definitely messes with your head
It is so hard to come to terms with! I had planned a natural birth in a birth center. After 3 nights of no sleep and prodromal labor when I was ten days late I finally called my MW who had me come in. I was 2CM! DD failed the BPP at the birth center and so they transferred me to the hospital. I labored there for 7 hours before a c/s. I never got past 4 CM after all of that and DD's heart rate was dropping and not coming back up.
Part of what helped me was that I do feel that the c/s was necessary. I think I'd feel very differently had I felt bullied. I did have a nice moment a few months after DD was born when I looked at my scar and smiled. My daughter came out of there! It was very healing for me.
I still have not come to terms about being separated from DD after my surgery for no reason. I am very angry with myself for not standing up for myself and my daughter against the hospital policy. I have worked through some of that by writing a complaint letter to the hospital about how I was treated which they responded to. It turns out they changed their policy about 6 weeks AFTER DD was born...which is good for future moms. So that does give me some comfort...but it is something I am still making up for every time I look at DD. I feel like I can never get back those first three hours and it breaks my heart.
(hugs) You can always talk here. They also have forums over at www.ican-online.org. They are slow there, but it can be healing to read others' stories as well.
YOU SHOULD BE SO PROUD OF YOURSELF! I found out early in my pregnancy that my hospital does allow the babies in the recovery room with mom. They try to always keep mom and baby together. You have no idea how much relief this gave me and I didn't even think at the time that I'd need a c/s. So you will probably never know how important that letter you wrote was. You have changed the birthing experiences of thousands of women to come and that's nothing to brush off.
You are so absolutely right. It DOES matter how your baby got here, otherwise we wouldn't all be so upset about it. How we feel does matter and I get tired of hearing that it doesn't. The way I put it is, "Yes, the most important thing was to have a healthy baby but it wasn't the only important thing." There is no reason why you can't be happy to have a healthy baby while simultaneously disappointed in how that baby was born. Birth is an experience, not just a medical procedure.
I'm sorry you are so upset; I remember from the November 2011 board that you felt very strongly about a natural birth and no c-section. It's very hard to deal with something unplanned when you spent so much time working towards a specific plan that you think is best for your baby. What really helped me was my PP appointment. I had a crash c-section due to a placental abruption; in the minute before I was rushed to the OR and put under, I remember a surgical team rushing my L&D room, having me roll from side to side and yelling that they had no heart rate for the baby. The next thing I know, they have me breathing in something while they run my bed down the hall to the OR. They told me to relax and breathe deep - and that is all I remember until I work up an hour and half later. DH wasn't allowed in the OR - so for 4 minutes, he thought our son may have died. That is what haunted me for weeks after the birth - the fact that after everything we went through to get pregnant, we could have lost him at 39 weeks. I was so traumatized by the fact that we could have lost him that I had a hard time the first few weeks focusing on how lucky I was to have him. I also attribute a lot of the problems I had breastfeeding with how traumatized I was by my delivery.
At my PP appointment, my midwife spent over an hour with me reviewing everything that happened at my delivery. It's still scary stuff, but I feel much better about what happened and the decisions made by the hospital staff during my labor. I also feel confident that there is nothing that I could have done - or the doctors/nurses on duty - to have made the process any different. As my midwife told me, we can have the best birth plans in place and do as much anti-natal testing as possible...but there is only so much that is in our control.
I'm sorry you are feeling this way, but your feelings are normal and completely justified! Don't be too hard on yourself, you aren't that far pp and you need time to heal.
For me, I had an unplanned c/s, after laboring for hours and pusing for 2 1/2 hours because DS had turned slightly and was caught on my pelvic bone. I was in shock that I was going to have to have a major surgery, but was accepting to do it, especially before it became an emergency situation. We made the decision calmly and my doctor went to get a second opinion to confirm that baby was stuck, they said he was moulding (sp?) and although they could see his head, it was just his scalp that was coming down. At that moment, I knew that I had no choice but to opt for the c/s. It was the best thing for DS. When they cut me open, they all made comment as to how stuck he really was, I could feel lots of pressure as they were trying to pull him out.
DS is now 16 months old and I am expecting this one in early May with the plan of having a repeat c/s. This pregnancy has brought back some of the same emotions that I dealt with in the early months pp with DS. I'm upset that I don't have a choice to vbac, eventhough my dr says I am a great candidate, but hospital policies don't really allow it. I have discussed it with my dr and she says she has no issues allowing me to go into labor naturally, but then having to do a c/s, unless something changes.
I know it's hard, but don't beat yourself too much. You did an amazing thing in growing a beautiful baby. Being a mom puts a lot of pressure on all of us women. The one thing I do know is that I would do it all over again to have my DS here with me and there are no doubts in that.
What really helps me is the solidarity I get from groups like this and posts like yours to know I am not alone in my feelings. I am surrounded by people who don't get it in my group of family and friends. Try as they might, and as supportive as they try to be they just CAN'T get it bc they haven't been there.
I have also done counseling. It's good bc it's a non judging outlet for your feelings. However, there are no definative answers offered there. But it exhausts my DH to hear me rehash my feelings and cry about something we had no control over. I know I can go to therapy and own those feelings and I won't hear well intended phrases like "the most important thing is you and your baby are safe."
My faith also helps me. I whole heartedly believe the scriptures where God promises one day you'll have His understanding. I expect this will be something we talk about when I get to heaven and I will have peace with it. There are days that's all I have to hold on to. I remind myself that God has plans for me and He doesn't want to see me in this pain, but He WILL make a purpose from this pain and He has a purpose I just don't understand right now.
I also watched a medical video of a c section to see what all my body went through. Not seeing or feeling anything really disconnected me from the birth. I get hung up on "I didn't DO anything." So for me it helped to see the process to know I DID do something. I allowed someone to cut me open while I was wide awake and have their hands in my body all for the life of my baby.
There are other things that bother me about my first daughter's birth (she was in the NICU, I didn't get to hold her for a week bc of the vent, she didn't come home for 2.5 weeks, etc). But that's when I just have to trust God. And 5.5 years later, that child is my mini me and shadow. She wants to be just like mommy. So I know we have since bonded, I am just sad it wasn't what I had envisioned and planned.
Same thing happened to me. I went into pre-term labor and placental abruption at just 30w. Luckily it was partial and they got it under control and my baby held out another 2 weeks, then I went back into pre-term labor and even more of the placenta abrupted to where I was rushed into an emergency c-section the second I got into the hospital. I wasn't put under, but I still did not get to see my baby, they wouldn't even hold him up to show me him on their way out. I didn't get to see him until the day after and didn't get to hold him for days after that. Horrible experience. All i wanted was a natural birth and a full term baby.
I would love to have a VBAC but it is not possible. Even if it was, I would have to pass just because having a placental abruption is less than 1% all pregnancies world-wide and it happened to me, so no one can tell me how "rare" it is to rupture and die from a VBAC and I be ok with the stats.
I had a 23 hour labor and after over 2 hours of pushing, DS wasn't going to come out. We had a rough time during labor, his HR kept dropping and the doctor was ready to call for an emergency c/s several times, but his HR would recover just enough to hold off. She knew I wanted a vaginal birth and did not want a c/s unless absolutely necessary. We had terbutaline shots and then pitocin once he was stable for a couple hours and had no decels.
At the end of the day, things were such a blur that I didn't put up a fight. I was exhausted. What I wasn't prepared for was passing out during the c/s. I got a dose of anxiety meds and an amnesia medication. I was out for when he was born and about an hour or so after. DS is just over a month old, but to this day I don't remember seeing him for the first time, breastfeeding the first time, etc. I didn't get to hear his first cry.
The first couple weeks I was at peace with it all and this week it hit me that I missed those things... I think because he turned a month old and I was looking back at pictures from that day. We're probably one and done, and there's nothing I can do about what happened, but it doesn't mean I can't look back with disappointment at what happened. It is what it is, and while I'm healthy and he's healthy, it does matter how he was born. I missed out on some of the most magical moments of becoming a mom. And honestly? That sucks. A lot.