IL mess
sweetwalks
member
Ever since I met DH he has always had issues with part of his family and has constantly been hurt by them.
When he told his mom he had decided to go back to school and get a degree she said "why? you don't need to do that" and then she took BM's side & told DH he didn't need to ever try to get SS and that his mom needed to have him. For the record, DH never ever wanted to take SS completely away from his mom or keep him from her. We've never said she was a bad mom because we don't think she is. DH just meant he wanted to have a custody agreement.
Fast forward to the past year. We got married in May and we never once heard anything from that part of his family. We hadn't talked to them since Easter because they didn't call to let DH and I know they were having Easter dinner. (We didn't have SS at the time because BM filed for emergency custody). Everyone was there and DH had no clue. He called his mom and asked her about it and she said she didn't know they were having Easter dinner, which was at her house. He decided if she was going to continuously hurt him he wasn't going to continue to put himself in that situation.
My DS had an accident in November and was in the hospital for a few days. DH had my cell phone and was trying to call my mom for directions so called "mom" in the phone (it was actually his old cell phone) and accidentally called his mom. She called he and I both a few days later and invited us to Thanksgiving. It was the first time we had heard from her since Easter and the first time she ever called my phone or called herself my mother-in-law. Because of the time frame of the accident we didn't do anything for Thanksgiving, so we ended up not going to her house. He decided maybe it was time to try to make amends and start over. SS's birthday is in August. None of that part of his family responded with an RSVP to our invitations and a few days before the party we saw pictures of them at BM's house for his birthday party. DH was upset, again.
We go to MIL's at Christmas and all of his brothers and sisters are there. Everything seems fine, everyone is nice, friendly, an overall great Christmas. After we left I sent SIL a text saying I was sorry for the past year and everything that had happened (she didn't talk to DH because the guy she was dating had issues with DH from about 10 years ago and always started issues, she is now dating someone else) and that I hoped we could make this year a better year. She apologized as well, and her and DH text a few times after that. THEN, we again see pictures where SIL, MIL, BIL and BM, SS and BM's daughter went out to dinner so they could give BM's daughter Christmas presents. DH was hurt, called his mom and asked her about it. MIL said that BM's daughter is her granddaughter and she was going to see her. She argued with DH and said that she was not hurting him, despite DH just telling her that she was.
This is getting really long, and I feel like I'm rambling. I'm ready to just quit. It's apparent that his family isn't going to accept that he is married to me, and BM is still friends with them on Facebook and seems to be all loving with them. I've never been one to compete. My dad walked out of my life when I was a child, again at 16 and again at about 19 and I let him every time, no questions asked. I'm not going to beg people to accept me or love me. It's pointless. I'm tired of DH hurting and seeing him hurt. He hates that his family does this to him repeatedly. They all blame it on us living so far away, but get angry if we don't drive to see them.
I want to say forget it. I feel like when we are around them we have to guard everything we say, and walk on eggshells because any tiny thing will go back to BM. Would you walk away? Would you let your DH decide?
Re: IL mess
I'd let your DH decide, but if I were him - I'd cut them out of my life and get on with mine. DH has this problem with his family and he's in the process of cutting out the people who are too toxic. His mother may never see DD again if she continues as she is.
It comes down to this: Just because they are family, does not give them a free pass. Foster the good relationships and tell the one's who treat you bad, "I love you. You're family, I would prefer that you are in my life, but I can't be hurt like this anymore. Let me know when you are ready to invest in this and involve me in your life full time."
If he's struggling with this, I advise he seek counsel from a pastor or other neutral party that can look at it externally and help him make the right decisions.
I couldn't have said it better.
I agree. DH loves his family and wants them to be a part of his life. I'm going to suggest talking to our pastor (who has never met his mom or family) and we are both praying about it, apart and together. I know it's a tough decision for him to make. He wants to make his family happy and see his family happy....
Thanks ladies
We have a similar situation but reversed. BM's parents don't talk with BM and took DH's side in the divorce/custody battle. Do I think that is a little wierd? Yes. BM did do some shady/not so nice things during that time so they cut her off. Although I think they are nice folks, I cannot imagine cutting off my SSs (now adopted sons) even if I didn't like their adult choices.
BM's parents moved to our state - right down the street from us so they could see their grandkids. I really don't have a problem with it. However, I sure would if I was BM. I feel sorry for her sometimes cause it must really hurt to know they choose her ExH over their own flesh and blood. DH calls BM's parents mom and dad and has no relationship with his bio parents at all. I let DH decide how to handle that part of his life/past. I am supportive of the kids seeing their biological grandparents (BM's parents) as long as it doesn't interfere with our life/kids development, etc (we've had some issues in the past).
Personally, I would never abandon my kid(s) for their S/O(s). As a grandparent, I would see the grandkids when they were with my son(s). I would NEVER leave my son(s) out of family functions and invite their ex(s) to participate instead. It sounds like your DH didn't do anything (other than divorcing BM) for MIL to even be upset about let alone the fact she is shoving a sharp knife in his back. My heart breaks for him.
Thank you. My heart has been breaking since day one for him.
DH was never married to BM. BM refused (everyone has acknowledged this not just DH) to drive down to visit MIL, or anyone when her and DH were together.
When DH and I first started dating seriously, the time I would have wanted to spend with him as my boyfriend, was spent with our kids at her house so she could see SS. And, the woman still hates me. She was hateful to DH and I, and for Valentines Day I suggested we take her to dinner and we bought her flowers. She thanked DH and he told her that if it wasn't for me, we wouldn't be speaking to her at all. She STILL hates me and refuses to acknowledge I exist.
Oh, I know. Those 9 months we didn't speak to any of them were the most peaceful, and drama free 9 months of my entire life, I swear!
DH says that he wants us to sit down & really talk to his mom with out any kids or his younger brother around and let her know how we are feeling. Essentially he doesn't feel like he can throw in the towel just yet without giving her one more chance to listen to him. I fully respect that, I did the same thing with my dad. I just don't see this time being any different, but I know it's what DH needs, so I'll support him.
You ladies are awesome! Thanks for letting me vent.
I also have some things that I need to put out there. DH and I are going to have a good talk about it tonight and I'm going to make sure that he is going to tell them everything, maybe even suggest he write it all down so he doesn't get sidetracked by her, which is known to happen. If he forgets, I'll gladly remind him.
I would love nothing more than for her to be in our lives and to be a positive part of our lives and the lives of the kids, but like you, I can't handle toxic. I was around it too much as a child and I won't do it to my children.
It doesn't make sense for one. DH is hurt by it because of the way they sneak and lie and the fact that they must see her.
I think as a 6 year old it would be confusing for me to see my mom's ex-boyfriend's, my brother's family, but I'm not allowed to speak to my brother's dad. And for SS I think it will eventually become a question as to why his mom takes him to visit his grandma and so does his dad, or why his dad doesn't if things don't change.
It's not that he is forbidding his mom to see the little girl. It's the lies, the back stabbing and the drama that goes on. 90% of the information (false information) BM put into the emergency custody order came from things she heard from DH's family. Also, it would be greatly different had DH and BM been married, or had MIL known the little girl and been in her life for more than a little over a year.