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2nd Trimester
lpichach
member
Another vent (sry!).... Mother = Pure Evil?
lpichach
member
Sorry, it seems liek today is venting day, so i thought I'd pop mine in there! lol
Again, please don't waste your time reading if you are sick of these and don't really give a hoot....
My mom is a terribly heinous and bitter woman. Yes, seems harsh, but there?s no other way to describe her than that; believe me, I wish I didn?t have to call her such terrible things and I would love to speak nothing but kind words about her, but time and time again has reassured me of this. I am third of four children, sprawled over 10 years (basically like middle child as my older siblings are 4 and 5 yrs older and the youngest is 5 years younger). Without dragging this on, my mom is very childish; her behaviour is best explained by comparing to a 14-16 year old girl in school. She is very selfish, doesn?t think, is inconsiderate, never apologizes or thinks she?s at fault, and its everyone else that has to ?be the bigger person? when around her? and everyone knows it. The only time you can have a good conversation or relationship with her, is when she gets to vent, or you get to complain about something together and be negative. I hate it! I live each day thinking how lucky I am to have what I have, an amazing husband, good health, and we?re happy. I hate being negative, arguing, holding grudges, etc?. and hence I have been forming a more distant relationship with my mother. Although I go through these periods of trying to ?re-kindle the bond? and invite her out shopping, or over for dinner, call her, etc etc? but it still ends up back in the same place. I?m thinking where it all stems is that I am very independent, and don?t need my mother for every little thing as my siblings do; I think she resents me for that because she loves to be needed.
I?m 25, a professional engineer, I am married, and have been with my husband for 5 years, we are very similar in personalities, very outgoing, strong, and independent. We both have a great job, have been able to support ourselves, own a home, etc etc. When I first told my parents I was pregnant, my mother?s response was ?what? Really? Is this serious? Is this a joke? Were you trying?? (in a not so excited tone)?. This was basically the last conversation regarding me being pregnant that we had (this was in October, and I only told her this early because I thought I miscarried and for some reason was hoping to find support). Her response actually reminded me of when I was thrilled and told her I was engaged years before, ?really?...ooo?. well that?s nice, I guess?? (again, no excitement). But, anyways, me telling her I was pregnant ended at that, I was very hurt, and later told them how hurt I was, my mother continued to defend herself saying that ?she?s just worried about my health?.. I have been an insomniac for many years? but okay, I accepted it and said I understood and appreciated her concern. I then continued to try and do things with her, go shopping, have her over for dinner (again trying to do the ?re-kindling?), and she continues to have a very negative, and has such a tense presence. Never anything positive comes out of her mouth and she?s never asked anything about my pregnancy, not even a ?how are you feeling?? so my DH and I try to bring the baby topic up and get her talking about it with no-success (this is pretty much the same for any topic).
For Christmas we decided to make one last attempt and create better bond with her (this is an ongoing 5 year repeat thing.. you?d think we?d have learned by now). I spent the holidays, all 12 days with my parents in Phoenix, took them golfing and out for dinner. Again no mention ever from her asking anything about me and the pregnancy. Basically the only way she?d talk to me is if I?d try and start up a conversation and it would quickly be shut down. I don?t really know what to do. Part of me is wants to repeatedly try again because you know how great it is supposed to be with a supportive mom, but I?m thinking I should just accept reality and leave it already! This will be their second grandchild, my older brother just had their first at Christmas.
Get this, my older sister (she?s basically mini-mom, same terrible personalities) is getting married this summer (a whole other story? such a messed up family I have), and this past weekend my sister went to try on wedding dresses (she lives about an hour away). So I completely forgot about this (pregnancy brain is killing me lately!), but found out that my mother and her friend drove and attended the dress fitting. I never had a call or anything? you?d think I should have gotten one. And the only way we found out was because my DH and I decided to ?suck-it up? and go visit my parents, and she wasn?t there!
Sorry for the vent, but does anyone have any thoughts, maybe i'm not seeing this the right way? Should I, the pregnant daughter (FTM), as always, be the bigger person to my mom? it?s so mentally and emotionally draining?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Another vent (sry!).... Mother = Pure Evil?
Choose to not get hurt any more by taking yourself out of this toxic equation.
You have tried time and time again... You have done YOUR part and she has not responded in any way that would indicate her making some changes of her own.
I'd say, step back and let the chips fall where they may. Sometimes people need to realize that they have lost (or are losing) someone that they love because of their own action or inaction. Then, and only then, are they capable of making changes (usually short lived, once they have you back in their clutches).
I'm not saying you should throw a lawn tantrum and make your decision necessarily known, but you should take this time to concentrate on your immediate family (You, DH and baby) and the positivity it brings to your life. Put mom (and any other negative nilly's) on a time out and speak to them when they are showing a willingness to participate in your life in an appropriate manner. There is nothing wrong with this and you should not feel guilty.
My best advice is to distance yourself as she apparently brings nothing to the table to benefit you or promote any kind of positivity in your life. Basically, you're allowing yourself to be stressed out by her. Don't let that happen, for your sake or baby's sake.
You could actually benefit a lot from joining DWIL and reading some of their stories and ask for some of their advice--
https://community.babycenter.com/groups/a4725/dealing_with_the_inlaws_and_foo_family_of_origin
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"Everything happens for a reason"
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Aw, thanks so much ladies. It's one of those things you feel like a terrible person if you don't try, but I almost just need to hear it from someone else to know that I'm not crazy, she's messed up and I don't have to keep succumbing myself to being around it. I appreciate your thoughts, thanks again.
And Rama, I am so sorry you have a similar situation, I know how terrible it is and just drain you and makes you feel like "poop" all the time. As ipookie says, focus on the now and immediate, our LO's are on their way, and we have sweet men in our lives and lots of other great friends
and thanks fro the link, I'll def check it out!
Unfortunately, people do not always live up the rolls we expect from them. I think family is very important, however you can't make your mother turn into a nurturing and caring woman by simply trying over and over again. Maybe she will improve when the baby is actually here. Then again, if this has been her MO your whole life, maybe not. At some point, you have to let people mess up their own relationships. If your Mother refuses to make an effort, you might have to let the distance grow a little. Maybe try again after some time has passed.
I have a severe lack of relationship with my only sibling and it is not for lack of trying on my part. She is 10 years older than I am, and yet I was the only one making effort starting when I was about 20. 13 years later we have separate lives and hardly see each other. We don't fight, we just don't speak much. It breaks my Mothers heart a little but I cannot continue to put myself out there with no reciprocation. I have a fantastic husband, baby on the way, and two great sisters-in-law. If when the baby arrives she still makes no effort to visit, I have no intention of driving 2 hours to beg her to be interested and I no longer feel any guilt about it.
I think we share the same Mother!!!
Like you, I have had this battle for years with my Mother! She is a very jealous, bitter, selfish, hateful, woman, that only wants to be part of your life if your hurting or down on your luck! I was a single Mom before meeting my DH. Things were always hard and that was the way she liked it. Once I meet DH my life did a 180! She was never supportive and had nothing to do with the planning of our wedding. She was rude to everyone! For me that was the last straw!
Fast forward a few months and we are PG with DS#2! We were so excited!! I gave in and called her. She said "well thats nice for you and DH" Really that's all, ok! DS is 2 1/2 and she has only seen him 3 times. She only had intrested in seeing DS#1. That was really where I drew the line! I ended all contact with her. I will never have my children feeling they are not good enough to take part of anything! After ending the relationship she took us to court to see DS#1 only! Who does that? She wasnt able to get any visitation. And we have not had to deal with her for a year now.
There are times when it is hard but you can't change them! They are who they are. I am just no longer willing to accecpt her behavior!
We are expected a little GIRL in May and we have never been happier as a family! It really does the heart and mind good to get rid of the people in your life that can't be happy for you!
I wish you the best of luck and a very happy/healthy birth! It's amazing and a love like you have never felt before
Goodness I'm so sorry for all the vents today! I can't believe you have to deal with a mother like this (the person who should be your love and support). It's sad for me to think now about how my mom bothers me everyday with "how are you doing" comments when I know she means well and I am very grateful for that. In all honesty I think you should stop wasting your time and emotions with a person like this. And it seems like she probably has some mental issues and we all have people like that in our families somewhere. These people will always drag us down bc we as normal people always feel it's our "need" to help them or try to connect with them, but history repeats itself time and time again. I know it's a very hard topic to think about not having a relationship with your mother, but what relationship do you have anyway? Distancing yourself from her may show her that your not willing to give into her games, love is about give and take and she's never on the giving end. She may change once your lo is born but more than likely who she is is who she is. Maybe once your lo arrives she will learn that if she wants to see her grandchild she will have to be involved and frankly you may not want her that involved anyway. Your going to have to have a long discussion with her or your dh and decide how you want to handle this in the future. But I would not continue to put yourself out there, let her come to you for once. I'm sorry you going through this though, bc it really probably wont have a great ending either way.
Edit: Completely agree ipookie! And marieski -wow I can't believe your mom did that! Who wants rights to see one grandchild thats just insane!
It does suck, especially when you do make the effort and it becomes always such a one-way street... its draining and really not fair, but in-hindsight, at least you tried to make the effort
I give you so much credit for trying so hard to connect with your mom on any level but it just doesn't seem like she wants to. It's a two-way street, you can't be the one constantly vying for affection and approval - it's not healthy, it's not fair.
As difficult as it might be for you, I think it's time to cut your mom loose. If she reaches out to you, I'd give it some really hard contemplation before you let her in. It's like that toxic friend that you really like, but always gets you into trouble.
Have you considered counselling for yourself? I don't think you're doing anything wrong at all but from what you wrote, you seem to think that you are. Maybe an impartial person could teach you how to let go.
I hope you have some maternal figure in your life (dare I say, your MIL?) We're all grown-ups and independant women and all that, but I'll be the first one to admit that some days, I just want a hug from my momma.
It is insane! It's a pain no one should have to go through from a parent! But, I have an amazing DH, little boys, and great friend that are better than family. It was a huge eye opener and it has helped to me enjoy all the little things in life most people take for granted! Good luck to you
Thank you! Def in a better place
Like people have said it's a choice! Someone once told me " I'm a magical thinker" We expect our Mother's to be Mother's. Some women were not meant to be Mother's. Or in my case be Mother's to girls. She was always a great Mother to my little brother. I wish you lots of luck, I know how painful this can be! Keep your heart at home so she can't hurt it!
I see a lot of similarities between your life and mine, including a toxic family member (my father). I am also 25, married, been with DH for 5years, both of us have good jobs and are very stable and self-sufficient. I have been through much of what you have been through with your mother - in fact she sounds like the female version of him.
To give an example of how childish and self-centered the man is, when DH and I got engaged he got mad because 'no one asked him' and 'this came out of no where'. Right. My mother's entire family was taking bets on this being the reason for our unplanned visit, and DH even told me that had he felt the need to ask permission, my father was about 5th on the list. He managed to take my engagement and make it all about him, and turn it into a drama fest instead of a celebration. It was a sign of things to come.
For my own sanity I had to cut relations with him. This means I haven't spoken to him in 3 years. And I have to say I am happier for it. Other family members see/talk to him, but I don't. Thankfully we are never in a situation where we would both be at the same event, but should that ever arise, I know I would be cordial but not make any extra effort to reach out or be friendly. My life is better with the people that love and care for me as a part of it, and not having anyone toxic in it.
In your situation, have you thought about having a 'receiving' relationship? This would be where you are friendly when she reaches out to you, but not reaching out to her? Meaning, she can call you if she wants to talk, and if she does you happily chat with her, but you don't make the effort or go out of your way to call her.
The reason I suggest something like this is because from the sounds of things you will be in places/ at events that she is at, so ceasing all contact is not really an option. If you change the dynamics of the relationship to one where if she wants to be a part of your life then she can make the effort. And if she doesn't make the effort, that means that you don't have to put up with her drama and can focus on the positive parts of your life.
Just a suggestion, of course, and I do hope that whatever you decide to do works out best for you and your growing family. This is an exciting time and I hope you don't let anyone take that away from you. GL
Sometimes people with these personalities are unable to grasp how horrible the behavior they have is because everyone makes such a effort to avoid bringing it up , thus feeding into the person and letting them continue acting the way they want to.
If I were in your shoes I would sit down and write her a letter. Explain your disappointment at having a mother who's negativity has ruined sharing so many happy life milestones for you. Let her know that as you begin a new chapter as a mother yourself, that you do not want to continue to work at trying to share your happy moments with her if she can not share and support them.
Best of luck ..
I think this is definitely what I'll have to do. Thanks for the thoughts. and I'm sorry your dad does sound quite like my mom; it's hard, and to think the best way is to cut relations, really sucks, but it seems to be the best option.
stylistgyp: would you believe me if i told you I've done the letter thing, I've done the sit down thing, and none of it changed anything. You're there pouring your heart out, in tears, and she basically looks at you, smirks, and says "you're over-reacting". pretty sure there is no soul in this lady... lol
If this is her reaction, then at this point I would write her another letter telling her that you are no longer able to maintain such a toxic unwelcome relationship and that you hope she will make a effort to reach out to you and mend her ways but that you will no longer be able reach out to her because it causes you to much heartache. Send the letter. Let her follow up.
Just because we are related to someone does not mean we are required to maintain a relationship with that person!!
That's so horrible and I'm so sorry you don't have the support of your mother during this special time in your life. She sounds just like my my MIL, which I know is a completely different situation, but in some ways I understand where you're coming from! My MIL didn't even acknowledge our engagement and she was in the next room when it happened! Same thing when we told her we were pregnant, she said congrats, in a non-excited way, and then told DH "let me know how you make out" - OOOK? lol.
But like your mom, my MIL is very selfish and never apologizes either, which is why my DH never talks to her except at holidays when we see her. DH has 2 younger brothers & she was ecstatic for his middle brother when he got married & had a baby, & is excited about their 2nd child on the way right now. Its sad and I feel bad for my hubby, but he's close to his dad so he doesn't care to be honest. This is one of the most exciting times in your life and you shouldn't let anyone, even your mom, make you feel stressed or unhappy in any way. Surround yourself w/ the people and family members who are excited and happy for you. My husband sees my mom as more of a mom than his own, so maybe if you get along really well w/ DH's mom you can ask her for advice or kind of share this experience w/ her instead. Just remember, this is a special time in your life and you deserve to be excited and don't let anyone take that from you!
big hugs to all the ladies **
I don't speak to my parents and haven't since before our wedding. Its a very long story but my mom is not a good person to put it nicely and when they chose to not attend or RSVP for our shower or wedding I decided that was enough. I have my own family now and great in-laws.
I don't really have any advice but I know how you feel. It sucks being the daughter and having to make all the effort, isn't that what parents are supposed to do? Just be proud of yourself and your accomplishments. PM me if u need to talk
BFP#1: 11/20/11, EDD 7/25/12, Emily Iris arrived 7/29/12 at 7 lb., 3.5 oz.
BFP#2: 8/25/13, EDD 5/4/14, MMC confirmed on 9/23/13, D&C on 9/26/13
BFP#3: 2/3/14, EDD 10/15/14, fraternal TWINS confirmed 2/21/14, two BOYS confirmed on 4/15/14!
In terms of how the 'receiving' relationship has worked (and the reaction of the rest of the family) - it has gone over quite well. When anyone asks I simply say that he has my contact information and if he wants to be a part of my life he knows how to get a hold of me. I say that I've reached out a tonn of times and it's his turn. If he chooses not to take advantage of that, there is nothing I care to do about it and don't choose to dwell on it. The family knows things have not been good and they support this arrangement as it leads to the least amount of drama.
Also, I can totally see my father having an identical reaction should I ever send him the letter I wrote in therapy (it was hard getting to a point where I was okay with this type of relationship, but I did get there, and it is awesome).