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NBR: Do you ever have low points in your marriage?
This is an AE.
Do you ever have low points in your marriage? I mean considering divorce low?
I love DH and he's a wonderful father. I'm just not sure I'm IN LOVE with him anymore. I'm not sure what to do. I work FT so money isn't the issue but I feel trapped. I feel like if I leave I'll have to give up so much with our child but on the other hand I'm simply unhappy and I don't think there is anything I can do about it. We've come back from the brink of divorce once before and I wish I didn't try and work it out then. I feel like if I didn't then that all this would be over and I'd be in a happier place. I'll admit that I had a horrible case of PPD and really sunk low but I've come a long way. I don't think it's that anymore.
Our marriage has never been what I see my friends as. I don't remember feeling those butterflies that others talk about ever. I don't get a feeling when he walks into the room. I don't like coming home from work to him. I don't hate him but I don't have that I can't wait to come home to him feeling either. I'm not sure what to do. I feel like I settled. I feel like the beginning of our relationship was forced because I wasn't in the greatest living situation and it's just kinda progressed to each stage from there. I feel like I just did the next thing because it might help or because it was the right thing to do.
Really the only reason I haven't said anything is that I'm worried he'd take our child away from me. The last time we were close to divorce he moved out, served me with divorce papers and stayed with a friend and wouldn't tell me where he was with our child. He wanted me to think about what I really wanted. In reality I would have said anything to get our child back. Again I was in heavy PPD. It was 4 days before he came home and I was very upset and would have said anything. We went to therapy and things improved with me and us but I just don't know about us anymore.
I have no doubt that he's a wonderful father. There was never a doubt that our child would be in the safest hands ever when I'm not here. I truly had a child with the best man. He's wonderful and much better with our child than I've ever seen any other man and even more than most women. He is the last one I ever need to worry about when it comes to taking care of our child.
I reserve the right to DD.
Sorry about the typos but I'm trying to be cryptic.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: NBR: Do you ever have low points in your marriage?
I wouldn't believe a single person who said they didn't have low points in their marriage. It's like the song, "you take the good, you take the bad, you take 'em both and there ya have..." I mean, seriously. Yes, I've had low points. I've also been with my husband for well over 17 years, married for almost 9 of those years.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I wish I had some good advice for you.
First, big hugs to you! It is not easy to have these feelings and I'm sorry that you're feeling trapped.
Second, have you considered or are you seeing a therapist on your own? Not to deal with your marriage but rather to help you become more self aware or clear out any thing that may be hindering you?
You mention that you left one situation that was negative and immediately was in a relationship with your DH (which I assume was much much better than the previous one). That sounds like there was a lot of stuff for your to process and you may not have done that.
Another thing that sends up a red flag for me is this:
Unless your behavior was dangerous to him, your child, or yourself, this seems like an extreme reaction. Have you two been through counseling together?
I don't know what else to say except that you are not alone in your feelings and it's OK to feel this way. Again, major hugs to you!!!
I think everyone has low points in their marriage. My feelings toward DH aren't the same as they were when we got married...life happened and we've grown apart in some ways. I'm not really a mushy person in general, so I don't have those butterfly feelings or get excited to see him at the end of the day or any of that. It's not who I am to be like that.
But at the same time, divorce isn't something I'd consider just because I feel like I settled or don't get jitters around him. My feelings are fleeting - some days are better than others and some days I just hate life in general. I think marriage is always a choice. You may choose that you don't want to work on it anymore and I'm not going to judge you for that, but you choose to be happy or to not be happy. If he's really as great of a man as you say he is, then you need to choose to see the things you once did in him, instead of focusing on either the things that bug you about him or the things you think you'd be able to find in another relationship.
As a mom of a small child, I often feel stuck too. Not necessarily in my relationship with DH (though I have felt that before), but just in life. It's been an adjustment learning how to be a new person. In some weird way, when Will was born, I lost a small part of me. I loved teaching, but staying home with him was infinitely more important to me than teaching. I had to make lots of small sacrifices to be the mom I wanted to be, and honestly still do.
If you decide you want to make it work, I'd probably look into some type of counseling for you and then marriage counseling again as well. If you decide you want to end things, I wouldn't let him see your child alone until you have a court agreement for joint-custody. I totally don't think it's right what he did the last time and I would take every measure possible to protect yourself from that happening again.
I'm not sure if any of that makes sense, but lots of hugs to you. I hope you can figure things out and find peace, one way or another.
BFP 12.20.2010 :: missed m/c 1/2011 around 8 weeks
BFP @ 9dpo 5.24.2011 :: missed m/c 6/2011 around 7 weeks
positive for ANAs (1:40) with a speckled pattern
MTHFR c677t mutation (heterozygous)
*folic acid, baby asprin, Prometrium, acupuncture, Lovenox*
BFP @ 9dpo 2.1.2012 || HCG = 8 : Progesterone = 19.2
2nd HCG @ 11dpo = 40 || 3rd HCG @ 21dpo = over 5000!
Stick, little one, stick! EDD October 15, 2012
You say he's a great father and a good person, but he took your kid away from you for FOUR DAYS?! NOT cool. Isn't that considered kidnapping?
ANYWAY. I think you need counseling to work some of your feelings out before you jump the gun into the divorce talk again. You alone and both of you.
I don't get butterflies when I see DH and haven't for a long time, but that doesn't mean I'm not in love with him anymore. I look forward to him coming home at night, some for me, but a lot of it has to do with getting some relief with the crazy 3 year old. Life with kids is hard, but you need to make time for yourself and make time to reconnect, just the two of you.
Can you guys go away for a weekend? Maybe just to San Antonio or something? I have to say, DH and I had a little rough patch a few years ago when DS was 12-18ish months. We just weren't connecting, I felt I didn't have any help with DS and he felt I was always nagging. We went to NOLA for the weekend, the first away from DS and it was awesome for us. We weren't anywhere near talking divorce or anything, but it was great to get back to what we were when we started- a couple. Things have been pretty awesome since then, aside from him just being lazy.
GL and I hope it all works out the way you want it to.
Same here. Every time we've hit one of those low spots, it has taken a lot of serious (and uncomfortable) conversations followed up with a lot of hard work to make sure we're giving each other the best chance to succeed in our marriage as possible. Especially when you're in a low spot, it can be so hard to look past the stuff that aggravates you. But in my experience, that, along with very clearly, honestly and lovingly communicating my needs (and listening to/acting on DH's needs) is what helps us slowly turn the corner.
Also, I know you mentioned comparing your relationship to others you're familiar with - it's so hard to avoid doing this, but consider holding back on the comparisons. Marriages are such intimate, personal things that, while the grass may seem greener on the other side, you never know what's being hidden.
Whatever decision you choose to make, I hope you find some peace.
**the nestie formerly known as karen2508**
nope, not unless they have some sort of custody agreement that he was breaking. I might be wrong but since she said she was going through serious PPD isssues at the time, maybe he feared for the child's safety?
To answer your questions, yes and yes. But not really to the "consider getting a divorce" part. I would never truly consider divorce before seeking counseling and working really hard at things to stay together.(not saying you haven't I'm saying I haven't reached that point) So, I've never really considered divorce, but have from time to time thought- would WE (and mostly I) be happier not together? I always end up answering no and it never usually lasts too long.
I don't get butterflies when I see DH, and honestly don't remember if I ever did. I'm not a mushy touchy-feely kind of person though and neither is DH. Most of our friends that were that way when we were younger couples are actually now divorced, so it is kind of interesting to see.
Hope you are able to find some happiness in whatever you decide to do. Sorry you are going through this.
DH and I had some rough patches when we were dealing with infertility treatments, but it was never to the point that we were considering divorce. That being said, I can easily see how IF can push couples to the point of divorce. I also think that *all* marriages have their ups and downs, so does life. What's that quote, something about having to have the bitter to taste the sweet? Only you can decide if you think your marriage is worth saving. Divorce is not really an option for me outside of an abusive situation/ infidelity, but of course it's easy for me to say that since we're currently not having any problems.
My mom always says, "free advice, it's worth what you paid for it." Especially when it's unsolicited. That being said, I can't help myself. Feel free to skip.
After 1 1/2 of treatments, we had really disconnected from each other. What saved us was a trip and a break from treatments. We went to Europe for 2 weeks which seems so extravagant now. (I taught summer school so we could do it.) It forced us to take a break from the every day- especially the IF treatments that were causing the biggest issue. Plus, when you are staying in a tiny hostel, sharing a backpack and you don't speak the language, you are kind of forced to interact with one another. I'm not saying that you need to do anything on that grand of a scale, but maybe a weekend away?
Something we did another time to reconnect was to take a month off of TV/ internet. We were only allowed to check our email once a day. And this was back when we had cable! I thought I was going to die, but it ended up being great. We played cards, talked, he would work on his art while I crafted... In short, we were forced to interact with each other. We've also had a lot of fun reading books together. We take turns as to who gets to pick them. It gives us something to talk about other than Kate.
This might be a terrible suggestion (and I'm blushing as I type it) but DH is much happier when he's getting sexy time more regularly. Happier DH = more house work, more back rubs, more flowers, and more surprise treats for me. All this in turn makes me more likely to put out. It a great cycle, but sometimes I have to be the one to get it started, KWIM?
No, it isn't. In the absence of a signed shared-parenting agreement between both parents or a court order for custody, whoever has the child can keep him or her, and there is absolutely nothing the police will do about it.
I know this because another nestie went through a similar situation when she and her husband split. Her husband refused to sign a very generous shared parenting agreement her lawyer drew up, so on the advice of her attorney, she refused to turn over their child to him.
Meredith, 6-1-06 and Alex, 11-5-09
For the OP:
It sounds like you were ambivalent about the relationship in the beginning, and it's tough to survive all of the ups and downs of marriage if the relationship was not strong to begin with.
I like the idea of counseling for you to help you sort through your feelings and figure out what it is that you want in life.
If you are seriously considering leaving, I'd consult an attorney first about custody, but as I said in another post, in Texas in the absence of a shared parenting agreement or custody order, whoever has the child gets to keep him or her, and without either of those documents, I'm not sure that a daycare would stop your husband if he showed up to pick up your child.
What does your husband think about the state of your marriage? Is HE happy? What does he want out of life? Can the two of you talk about what it is that you both want? Maybe that's a good way to figure out if he'd be open to counseling for the two of you. If he's unhappy too, then perhaps you can both work out an amicable split.
Meredith, 6-1-06 and Alex, 11-5-09
I think these ups and downs are a normal part of any relationship and I feel like this is part of the reason that divorce is so common these days. People seem to have a misconception about what marriage is supposed to be like (I'm not saying this is the case for you). It's hard work and it's not always puppies and rainbows.
The Blog
To answer your first question: yes. Of course. Just like there are great times (aka: high points), there are low points in every part of life-- work, marriage, family, etc.
What's important, imo, is that the low points aren't sustained. There should be balance.
For the rest of your post... it sounds (to me, from what you've shared here) that you may benefit from some personal counseling.
"Our marriage has never been what I see my friends as. I don't remember feeling those butterflies that others talk about ever. I don't get a feeling when he walks into the room. I don't like coming home from work to him. I don't hate him but I don't have that I can't wait to come home to him feeling either. I'm not sure what to do. I feel like I settled. I feel like the beginning of our relationship was forced because I wasn't in the greatest living situation and it's just kinda progressed to each stage from there. I feel like I just did the next thing because it might help or because it was the right thing to do. "
All of that sounds like you issues, not him issues. There's no shame in wanting to be happier, but I'd start with you and then move on to him and your marriage.
First of all, I can say that if my husband ever took my children and kept them from me, you'd better believe I would have beat the effing door down where he had them and cut his balls off with a spoon. I don't care how legal it is. That's messed up, and you'd better believe I would take my children and disappear myself before ever giving him a chance to do that to me again.
Everyone has low points. Anyone who says they haven't is either lying or in denial. Relationships take a ton of work and self sacrifice. For us, we've had the most problems when either of us is mired in feelings of entitlement. Anytime either of us starts thinking that our own needs and desires are more important than the other person's, trouble brews. We hit several very low points in our relationship through college and shortly after, and it a number of "look, we both deserve to be happy, whatever that means and however that looks. If that happiness isn't best achieved for both of us by being together, let's call it quits" discussions and us each taking a few days to retreat to our respective corners to mull it over for us to always come to the conclusion that whatever else we may have wanted, we didn't want it at the cost of the relationship. We also learned that being in love, being married, etc., means choosing every.single.day to recommit to that relationship.
As for the butterflies, think about it this way. Everything is relative. When you first meet, the feelings you feel around him are so much more apparent and breathtaking because you're used to not feeling them. It's like seeing the color blue for the first time when you've been living in a world of red. Breathtaking, right? But what about when you've been living in that world of blue for years and years now? That blue suddenly isn't so breathtaking anymore because you're used to it. That doesn't make it any less beautiful, it just makes it less novel. So as time goes by, realize that the loss of the "butterflies" doesn't mean that your feelings for your mate are any less present or genuine.
I will end with this: everyone deserves to be happy. What you have to do is take an honest look at your own happiness. Will not having that man in your life anymore really be the thing that makes you happy? Or are you really craving something else, some kind of new challenge or adventure...something to give you the breathtaking feelings? If it's the former, by all means, get a divorce. Start over. Chances are, you're probably not giving him his best chance at happiness either. If it's the latter, try to find some other ways to satisfy the need for excitement.
OP, you've already gotten amazing advice. I'll just add/echo that I think it's imperative you get counseling for yourself and make sure that you are not seeing the relationship through depressive-colored glasses. Even memories can be distorted by depression. I'm not saying your DH's taking of your LO isn't effed up, just that it's gonna help you do whatever you need to do if you know you're taking care of yourself.
Best of luck to you!
I feel as though my ex-H and I both settled. We rushed into things and we were stupid. I was unhappy in my marriage for almost the whole seven years (the entirety of my marriage). I don't think I would have *ever* ended it, though. But I am *SO* glad he did. We also fought a lot, didn't yearn to spend time together, weren't really good friends, etc. And there were other big problems relating to addiction. I might be in the minority here (haven't read the other responses), but I feel like everyone deserves to be happy. If y'all could share custody of your child as divorced parents, maybe you both could move on and be happy.
That said, everyone I know has had low points in their marriages, and if they are happy *most* of the time, they have gotten through it.
This is SO true.
I think when you feel disconnected from yourself (PPD) it's difficult to feel ANY kind of connection with your spouse. But you are not the entire problem. And you need to know that to move foward. Don't blame this all on yourself. It's not right to take your child away from you without you knowing where they are. That's kidnapping AND emotional blackmail. Neither of which are helpful or healthy (or legal). It doesn't matter how good of a father he's being, that's being a prettyshitty husband.
I completely fell into my first marriage by mistake and I was lucky enough no child came of it but I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt there was no way I could continue calling him my husband. With my current DH, we've had our low points and I've pondered the "what if's" on occasion. But the sunny days outweigh the rainy days again and again. I remember those happy feelings and I can still feel "in love" when I'm not completely sleep deprived and emotionally empty myself.
I have to post and run, but I really question the motives and quality of a father/husband who would take a child from his mother for any length of time. I don't care why or how good of care he took of the child. That is unacceptable. I sense that your husband has sort of a father type relationship with you. It sounds like he took the kid to teach you a lesson, to make you decide what you wanted, as if you couldn't have done that while knowing where your child was or being with your child. He made that choice for you. It's very misogynistic and appalling, IMO.
I will preface this by saying that DH's mother has been married 5 time. My mom has been married 6 times. We grew up with divorce as a way of life.
Of course everyone has highs and lows. Our lows also stem from feelings of entitlement. We choose every day to put the needs of our marriage before the needs of ourselves and even before our daughter's. When we don't, we get into trouble, and we firmly believe that if our marriage breaks down then we all break down. That's what we have found works for us. Sometimes it's very easy. Sometimes it's very hard. But we work at it every single day, from the minute we wake up until we go to bed. It's that important to us.
For me, the hardest times were when DD was first born and I had PPD (or some form of it), was sleep deprived, healing, and felt like DH wasn't pulling his own weight. I was angry and resentful, sometimes for days at a time. It sucked. But, I always knew that I loved him, even when I didn't like him that particular day, and we talked and talked and talked until we couldn't talk anymore. Then, slowly I started to feel better and we agreed on a routine and a division of duties that we were both happy with, and now we are stronger than before.
It's likely going to happen again, and it'll suck again, but we'll be ready for it, and I believe we'll make it through as long as we want to. I guess that's my advice. Decide what you want, then work for it.
I would agree there are some very very low points in any relationship-- we've been through these a lot this year and through infertility. There was a time just a month ago we were so disconnected and I was so depressed I contemplated leaving him too-- not because I didn't love him but because I just wanted to be alone with my depression and sadness anything that would make me feel worse is what I wanted.
Then we started living as roomates-- no interaction and no connection really. That's not what I wanted in my marriage so we both agreed to fight for it. It took time (we're still working on it) and lots of fights, crying, and talking but we're in a much more connected place. Marriage is not easy and it's not glamorous-- sometimes it sucks a lot and you have to fight everyday to keep and maintain the connections.
I would definitely recomend counseling for you alone-- that has helped me immensely and given me the insight and strength needed to work for my marriage. It sounds like you may be willing to fight. But I never feel butterflies anymore and being with DH is not exciting-- however-- we have a deep strong love that gives me comfort knowing it's always there. I'd rather have a constant than butterflies any day.
Good luck to you.
Married October 28, 2006, TTC since March 2009 IUI #1-8 w/ clomid = BFN
IVF # 1 May, 2011 = BFP!!! Stillbirth at 26 weeks (placental failure/severe IUGR)
FET #1 February, 2012-- BFP! Beta #1=84 Beta #2= 207 Beta #3= 3,526
Our Rainbow Baby is on the Way!