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2nd Trimester
Just feel very alone (long sorry)
As I have said on this board before, almost all of my friends are childless and big on going to bars and drinking. My husband is very unsupportive and wants me to go out all the time and hang out at bars and with all my friends whose only hobby is drinking. He says I am pushing all my friends away and becoming a hermit and its all my fault. I just feel alone, depressed and just sad. My friends want me to join them in their normal fun instead of making an effort to do things that don't invovle drinking, I try to say lets go out to dinner and they say no lets meet up for drinks at the martini bar. and my husband says I am the one not making an effort. I don't know how to express all the things I feel he doesn't understand, or how to say he doesn't support me. He's not abusive or anything like that. He just is so overly stubburn and so selfish sometimes. I just feel like he doesn't TRY to understand me or what I am going through. All he keeps saying is " you are the only pregnant person in the world that hates being pregnant, that misses drinking and can't wait to not be pregnant, every other pregnant person loves being pregnant, the glow and all that sh*t, but not you, you are just miserable" Of course I am going to love my child, I can't wait to meet my Child. I just always pictured myself adopting. I wasn't one of those girls who dreamed of being pregnant, I always thought I couldn't (lots of medical problems) and I just wanted to adopt once I was in my late 30's. This pregnancy was a surprise (another thing my husband hates me telling people its a suprise= its a mistake in his eyes) he just doesn't understand. I miss my old life. I miss soicalizing at a bar around adults. I miss not feeling hormonal and uncomfortable everyday, I miss sleeping through the night and not having to pee every few hours. I miss my pants fitting and my clothes fitting. I miss wear high heels. He thinks that I hate this child just because I am not adjusting well to pregnancy. I don't know how to express to him that I am depressed but I don't know how to control it ( i am already on medication for depression and aniexty) and that I love LO, i just don't know how to life this subdued life. This life of being tired 24/7 and just getting stressed easy and being bitchy when I don't want to be. I just feel lost and alone. Like maybe I am the worse pregnant mom to be every because i'm not loving pregnancy. I don't know. like i said I am just confused.
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Re: Just feel very alone (long sorry)
I'm so sorry you are in this situation. First off you were under the impression you could not get pregnant and you weren't at that point in your life where you two were ready yet, so you were thrown into this. I think it's pretty normal for you to feel the way you do, plenty of people who wanted pregnancies still do not feel all glowy all the time! I think it would help you adjust immensly if your friends and everyone around you supported you, also were in this time in their lives but sounds like they are all very immature (not sure of your age though). I can imagine that it would be hard to be thrown into parenthood with no one to relate to in your circle of friends. Hubby and I waited plenty of time, been together 9 years, married over a year and all of our friends have already started having children. We knew the time was right for us and we're not into the bar scene anymore, thank goodness -no offense! I'm scared to start motherhood but I also have friends I can talk to everyday and relate to about this, so I understand this must not be easy for you. For the fact that you already have a history of depression, it's always a good idea to talk with a counselor. Also look at some new friends to hang out with, new moms who you can relate to. And trust me having a kid does not mean your life ends by no means. Our best friends still go out to dinner, we all have drinks etc but we are all responsible, and even tho I cant drink right now, we still have great times with them and we'll continue to do the same after the baby comes. It seems like your dh and friends may have some growing up to do before they will be on your level imo. Were all here for you on this board and we all have our emotional days where we wonder how in the world we will do this lol. Were here for ya!
Edit: And I agree with the other posters that it's give and take, good friends would be gladly going to dinner or could do 1 night without drinking. Your dh should be supporting you in this!
Okay, just because pregnancy is making you feel miserable does not make you a horrible mom.
Like you said, you still love your LO, so all good there.
I don't think it is just the pregnancy making you feel that way, it could also be a combination of feeling lonely because you don't have very supportive friends.
When everyone around you isn't pregnant and has the freedom to go live it up, it is a lot easier to feel depressed about your current state.
And with a husband who doesn't offer up doing something with you, and who blames you for your friends being completely unsupportive, I could see why you feel depressed.
What you need in your time of pregnancy is a good support system and people around you who care about how your feeling and who understand you may get hormonal and b!tchy sometimes. You need people who are going to be there for you, and if your friends were real friends they would say hey come to the bar but get a club soda. And then they would compromise and say hey if you come for one sober night out at the bar, we can go to dinner wherever you want the next time we go out.
There needs to be compromise and support and your friends are totally not giving you that. Don't be so quick to blame yourself or even your pregnancy and think your a bad mom. You're not. You are just lacking the support system you need right now.
I'm sorry to hear what you are going through, pregnancy is rough as it is. You shouldn't feel bad for not loving being pregnant, every woman feels differently. Especially since this was unexpected, it's going to be much more of an adjustment for you. My best advice would be to talk to a counselor if you can't talk to your husband. Maybe they could give you some advice on ways to talk to him and your friends. Hope things get better for you and remember you always have the women on here if you are ever feeling lonely
There is a lot going on in your life and your post. Not the least of which is it sounds like your husband is being a little bit of a douche. My friends also like to go out and I haven't seen them much in the past few weeks but I will say that I have made the effort to go to bars and abstain, but that they have also been willing to go out to dinner. At which point they might drink with their dinner so everyone is happy. Balance is the key. BOTH parties have to try. Not just them and not just you.
But what I really wanted to tell you is, your husband thinks you are the only person that hates being pregnant? HA! I have detested this experience. It is not a comment on the baby or whether or not my husband and I want to have the child. It was planned. However, I HATE being pregnant. Many of my female friends and colleagues, especially career women, also hate it. It's not glamorous IMO. It's gross. And uncomfortable. And a little terrifying. I never wanted to be pregnant. Never dreamed about it. You are welcome to tell your husband there are many women who think pregnancy is many things, but not fun. Google "I hate being pregnant". You will find blogs and sites devoted to this.
Bottom line: Do not feel alone. Come to the bump anytime and I'll match complaints with you all day long! Here, I'll even start: Heartburn!
You're not alone.
I don't hate being pregnant, but I don't love it either. There's a lot that's not fun about it. I can't do things on my upcoming vacation that I wanted to do (parasailing, amusement parks, etc). I can't drink. I hate that my scale is going up. I hate that my skin revolts on a regular basis. I hate that I couldn't take Nyquil when I was sick last week. I hate that............... I could go on all day.
However, I think your friends/husband should try to accommodate you more. Granted, I'm probably older than you, but everyone in my life understands why I can't do certain things anymore. And while I can see my relationships with my single friends changing a little going forward, they're also really excited to become "aunts"! Friendships are two-sided... you have to be willing to work with them, but they have to be willing to work with you too! I'd be the one at the martini bar ordering a virgin margarita. They'll be the ones who bring the mocktails to parties for me so I can still feel "normal"
It's give and take.
I'm sorry your feeling this way.
Although you cant drink alcohol, you can still go to the bar and grab a shirley temple or cranberry/sprite. I dont think being pregnant should make you feel as though you have to stay home by yourself. This point in your life you need all the support you can get. Hanging fun with friends often makes your symptoms alot more tolerable because when you spend time with them, you wont even think about the things going on in your body. It will level your stress and your hormones because you'll have someone else to vent to. You can get all dressed up, wear heels - feel sexy!! You are... a baby bump won't change that! Try to go about your normal life, just with a few minor changes. You'll feel much better!
As for your husband, if he feel threatened by saying the baby is a "surprise" you may want to emphasis a positive word infront of that. Such as a great, good, nice... something positive. It will make you both feel better and may in the long run change your outlook on the whole situation. I'm sure your going to be an amazing mom, and although sometimes its going to be tough, in the end, your pregnancy will be one of the biggest blessings of your life.
Good Luck to you, and know you are never alone. Remember - You may be only one person in the world, but you are the world to one person.
I'm so sorry
. My husband and I both wanted this pregnancy, but that doesn't mean that it is always peachy. Now that I'm pregnant, the last thing I want to do is lug my fat a** to a bar and sit with all of my friends gossiping about things that aren't really relevant to my life anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends, we're all just in different stages.
It's crappy they don't EVER take you up on your dinner offer. If they were awesome friends, THEY would think to make plans to include you that you would actually ENJOY. This is not your fault.
Plenty of people hate being pregnant, and it doesn't make you a bad mom. It is really difficult and it is OK to feel that way.
As far as the depression goes, since you are not controlling it through meds maybe do a combo of counseling and meds. I think it would help a lot to talk through your feelings about your friends and your pregnancy.
As far as your friends, I might make an effort to go out late at night with them maybe once a month, but it is OK to want them to hang out with you earlier once a month as well (I'm just putting an example time table in there). Also you may want to start meeting people that are pregnant or have kids, so look into joining a pregnancy class at the hospital or a mom's group.
Oh honey. Man I want to find you and give you a HUGE hug right now.
First things first, you are absolutely not the only person in the world that hates being pregnant, misses her old life, or isn't 100% thrilled about the impending child every second of every day. In fact, YOU are normal! That's right! I honestly don't think I've met anyone in real life that loves being pregnant (because frankly, it pretty much sucks!), doesn't miss having a glass of wine at the end of a stressful day, and isn't a little anxious about how a new baby will fit into her life.
I agree with the pp that said a counselor might help. You need someone to talk to who isn't going to belittle you for having actual feelings instead of just pretending everything is perfect all the time. If you can't do a counselor or aren't interested in that, maybe you could find a mom group to join right now. A lot of them are perfectly open to new members who are still pregnant. I'm in a group here called Stroller Strides (which, btw is a national franchise). We meet three mornings a week to work out and chat and have fun together. There have been a few moms that joined before their babies were born. It might be nice to start making a few new friends that are in the same place in life that you are right now.
Again, ((hugs)). You are not alone. I'm sorry that you're in this position though, I think your feelings are totally understandable.
I am so sorry you're going through this! In addition to the other advice, do you think your dh would consider reading a book or two on pregnancy? My dh got this book, I think it's called Daddy Boot Camp, that was really great, written for guys. Not the boring, clinical stuff. He might learn a thing or two about what you're going through.
If you ever just need an ear to bend, pm me, I'm happy to chat.