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Success after IF
CJ71903
member
Are you on the same parenting page as DH?
CJ71903
member
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Are you on the same parenting page as DH?
Ditto.
After 7 years trying to concieve, 3 failed IUIs and 2 failed IVFs, my third IVF was a success!
My Christmas baby turned into a turkey bird! Dillon Richard was born at 34 weeks, 5 days on November 28, 2009 after 10 weeks on bedrest for preeclampsia.
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We're working on it, but some things he does drive me CRAZY! For example, we don't want the kids to get on top of the coffee table. So I've been working very hard to consistently tell them "no" and take them off the coffee table over and over and over. Sometimes we have to go play in another room to get them to stop climbing on it. Several times in the last couple weeks, DH has come home from work and when they get on the coffee table he'll be like, playfully "You're on the coffee table! You get tackled!" And then he'll tackle and tickle them. So they think it's a game. I've tried to explain to him how it can't be a rule to not go on the coffee table sometimes, and a game other times. He'll agree and then he'll do it again.
That's just one example, clearly, but it drives me insane. Can you tell?
Sure. I'm reading the book "P.arenting with L.ove and L.ogic." In order to get my kids to stop throwing food on the floor when they eat, I will take away the food and have mealtime be over if they continually throw their food. DH is home on the weekends and couldn't believe that I took DD's tray away since she was still eating, but throwing her food. I tried to explain my logic and what I'm reading, but he disagreed. So, he just continued telling her "no" and trying to catch the food in his hand before it fell to the ground. They laugh at us when we tell them 'no' and it doesn't stop the food throwing.
I'm a SAHM and am with the kids more than anyone else. We've discussed this sort of thing before, so I'm hoping that we will come to some sort of agreement on this particular issue. We generally communicate pretty well, but nobody's perfect.
I guess I'm just wondering what others experience is with this. One question would be, does it confuse children if one parent does things one way and the other does things differently?
We parent differently but we are on the same page. We literally had an 'all things DD' meeting once to come to agreement on some things - from parenting to what I needed help with - to discuss our beliefs about some things, etc. This helped a ton. I think a lot of times we tend to bottle up what we think for fear of offending the other person. By having this meeting it really set the tone to have an open discussion and to be able to offer input without the other feeling like they were being judged. We share what works for us. That being said we parent very differently. I have def learned from his style and he mine but I still won't do things the same way he does. I have also learned that there are many ways to get to an end result and not always a right/wrong - I am a very black/white/right/wrong person and this was hard for me.
I think that setting expecations and consistency is key - in both marriage and parenting. I also think that people just assume the other person knows what these are or are afraid to communicate in this way. It took us a while but it feels good to be in this place. It is not perfect but the work we have done has set a solid foundation.
Good example. I think it does and can confuse children if different parents discipline differently. But if they are different types of parents, if one is the play on the floor go to the park all the time parent and the other is story time and the library and quiet time with puzzles then no -- because I think that's personality based.
I can tell you that everytime I consulted a parenting book (and I say I because DH has never read one) I discussed the "teachings" with him before implementing. We do 1-2-3 Magic for the most part and I read it, talked to him about it, and then together we implemented it. I don't think one parent can make a decision to discipline one way without at least having a conversation about it first.
Absolutely which is why I brought it up to him before reading it and he was fine with it. He won't read the book either, but he was all for the technique when I brought it up. Putting a theory into practice is a little more difficult. Anyway, we have to figure something out about this because I don't have the energy somedays to constantly try to catch their food before it hits the floor, ya know? I know that they will learn this eventually. It's just going to take some patience and direction on our behalf.
I think in the example you give, yes, specifically because it is a behavior issue and involves the two of you together and the child won't be able to differentiate why action has different consequences depending on who is running the show b/c they won't know who is in charge at the time. I think if you are talking about something different, say bath time, and DD likes to pour water out of the tub, and one of you says no, no, no and the other takes the bucket away, that could work since you both are not there with the child - when I'm with Dad this happens, when I'm with Mom this happens. With an activity such as dinner it will be difficult for the child to know who's rules apply.
I do think that you can def do things differently if it does not involve behavior. I do a ton of things differently than DH but don't think either is right/wrong nor send the wrong message since they don't involve approval. I also think you can discipline differently if it is clear who's rules apply at the time or who's rules apply to a certain situation.
It is not easy!
Yes, very much so. We have our disagreements about the little things, but we do it in private (for example, if DH tells Ava no about something and I don't agree, I wait until she is out of earshot to talk to him about it, and vice versa). Although our styles did match up quite a bit naturally, we also work on it, KWIM? It is important to us to present a united front to the kids when it comes to schedules and discipline, so that neither of us is seen as the "bad" cop. So, sometimes we have to work it out.
There have been a few times when I have not agreed with a decision he made. But, since it was not a matter of neglect or anything like that, I held my tongue until we could talk about it later. Not easy for me to do!
Well if he agreed in principal but won't put into practice then that's sort of a whole 'nother ball of wax. And ya, for the record catching food before it hits the floor is sort of crazy, I'm with you 100% there. But I think at a non-feeding time you two need to have a conversation about this. Not just the food incident in isolation but in general the idea that you can agree in principal but not in action -- that won't work long term and will definitely breed resentment.
We absolutely share the same general beliefs and principals. That said, I'm definitely more of the disciplinarian and MH is much more of a softie. I SAHM now but I don't chalk it up to that....we just have different personalities, he's WAY more laid back then I am while I'm pretty type-A....not in a ridiculous Tracy F.lick sort of way but in a structured way.
But, we have to be united and consistent in our approach to disciplining. We've learned the hard way that if we're not, it doesn't work (by "it" I mean whatever, whether you're trying to change, stop, influence behavior). MH also doesn't really read the books (1-2-3 Ma.gic, L.ove and L.ogic) but we do spend time talking through the approaches so we're on the same page and he's good at getting on board.