Our friends/families don't understand. Help?

danseusefrancaise · January 2012

Hello, I'm new to this board, mostly been lurking for the past week (I may or may not have posted an intro already on here; pregnant brain is getting the best of me right now). Anyway, I'm having a hard time with my and DH's families and how we choose to parent. We're very interested in AP, I like a lot of the ideas/practices. But I don't think anyone in either of our families or friends has heard of AP. My parents did a couple AP practices, but we're more "extreme" than they are. As much as I hate to admit it, I was pretty much talked into weaning my son off of BF-ing. He weaned just after his first birthday and I was so sad to wean him because I wanted to do BLW. DS didn't have any problems or complaints, he did really well. But I feel really guilty that I didn't let him wean himself, and angry/disappointed that I was talked into doing something I didn't want to.

It seems like no one really understands why we do certain things that we do (co-sleeping, tandem nursing, natural childbirth, etc.). I'm sure part of it is my fault because I get nervous when it comes up and don't explain things well. I fear that we're being judged or thought of as hippies, and I don't like that because it's generally thought of negatively here. But it bothers me when people say "you gotta just let him cry," or "you don't want to be BF-ing two at the same time," or anything like that. I don't think that things have to be done that way and that's not the way that I want to do them. I just don't know how to explain that to family members, how to get them to understand that we're just doing it differently.

Sometimes I feel so alone. I don't have a lot of support for AP here; most of my friends don't have children and the few that do don't know anything about AP (and the ones that do don't live anywhere near me), so there's hardly anyone I can talk to about the difficulties I'm facing. Even if I can't get our friends/families to understand, just having other people around who think/feel/parent the same way would be a plus. Does anyone have any advice or suggestions?

tokenhoser · January 2012

There are a lot of AP parents at my La Leche League meetings, and there is actually an AP group that meets in my city (and it's a pretty redneck city). Look for groups on Facebook (there is a AP Portland group) or Meetup.

And then get secure in your parenting. It doesn't matter how you parent, people will question you and make you doubt yourself. It's harder when you go against the grain, so you need to get tough. If you really think you're doing the best thing for your kid and your family, just shut down the haters with a "We're doing what works best for us. How about that crazy weather?"

kcisthebombdotcom · January 2012

This isnt really something specific to Ap as all parents deal with this.

You really should give up trying to sell people on it because everyone has their own opinions on the "right" way to parent is and you're unlikely going to change their mind. If someone questions why you do something, say "this is what works for our family" and change the subject.

jshf · January 2012

Most of my friends and my in-laws think we're nuts. But wejust laugh about it and at times will say what they are thinking before they do. I usually say something like if they are still sleeping with us at 15, I'll do CIO! But I also learned not to bring things up that they aren't going to support. It does help to have people who are like minded encouraging you. I've found support through a local mom's group on meetup.com. La Leche League. I even have made friends with moms through gymboree and music classes and was pleasantly surprised to find other moms that are "AP" even if they don't label themselves like that. GL!

C-Charm · January 2012

"Hmm. Thank you for your suggestion. That's something to consider."

Nod. Smile. Inwardly roll your eyes. Change the subject. Big Smile

Perhaps you can find parenting groups online--at API or on Meetup.com. Good luck. It can be tough to feel judged and not supported. However, I think it's not uncommon...regardless of how you choose to parent.

Angela814 · January 2012

KC_13:
This isnt really something specific to Ap as all parents deal with this.

You really should give up trying to sell people on it because everyone has their own opinions on the "right" way to parent is and you're unlikely going to change their mind. If someone questions why you do something, say "this is what works for our family" and change the subject.

Yep. The smile and nod works well too. Or "I'll think about that." Family and friends aren't in your house, so they don't really need to know about most of your parenting choices. I think very few people know that DD1 was just over 3 years when I weaned her. I'm certainly not hiding it, but since no one really saw her nurse past probably 18 months, no one asked.

frenziedmomma · January 2012

Like a lot of parenting choices you will make, there are always people who think you should do things differently. I know it is hard, particularly when it comes from family, but I've learned not to offer any explanations or try to sway their views. It just keeps the conversation going when their "advice" or comments are not appreciated.

Please, never feel like you have to defend your well thought out parenting choices to others. When people/family etc. ask "why do/did you do x" all you have to say "because that is what is best for our family/child, etc" and then walk away.

That is a great discussion ender.

Want a personalized experience?

Our friends/families don't understand. Help?

Re: Our friends/families don't understand. Help?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards