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Another good blog post
Maybe this got posted already - if so - apologies -
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/mobileweb/glennon-melton/mommy-wars_b_1210602.html
FTR, I'm a working mom who questions myself constantly about it - and this article was posted on the FB page of a friend of mine who is a SAHM.
Wife, Musician, Fed, WW-er, and Mom of three little kids - not necessarily in that order.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Another good blog post
Great post. Thanks, Artslvr. I haven't seen that.
I hope people don't come into contact with these evil "holier than thou" mom types every day. That's horrible. My mom's playgroup had a mom's night out last Friday - there's 4 of us and 2 are SAHMs and 2 are WMs (including me). We were talking about whether or not we question our choices and one SAHM was questioning whether she was cut out to be a SAHM mom and I always question whether I want to be a WM. The other 2 were completely happy with their choices and couldn't imagine it any other way. I just thought it was a nice illustration of how every mom is different. It made me feel better to know that even if I was a SAHM I would probably have some of the same doubts I have now. Good article.
Same here.
I also recognize that I am a much better mom when I'm not around my kid 24/7, and I think he benefits from being around other adults and kids. I am not the type of person who can come up with cute crafts and other projects to do with my kid every day. If I won the lottery and didn't have to work anymore, I'd still sign him up for preschool next year.
I'm glad you guys don't know anyone in IRL who has this debate. I used to think the debate was false and old fashioned because I didn't know anyone who had these conversations/debates. And I'm friends with WM's and SAHM's.
That is, until recently.
I have one set of in-laws who constantly judge us about this - and it all seemed to come to a head when we spent New Years weekend with them and DH's brother who is now married to a woman who professes she will be a SAHM when they start their family. The in-laws were drooling all over her because she loooves to talk about aaaaall the things she'll do to enrich her (as yet non-existant) kids while she stays at home, etc. MIL and SIL looked at me several times over the weekend murmuring pathetic little comments, "not that working moms can't have it all too, I mean, I don't know how you do it" - I thought I was on candid camera.
So yeah, I think people do still think in these terms. Amazing, right?
But what I liked about the post is that you can take ANY "hot" parenting topic and insert it into this article. BF-ing vs. FF-ing, hospital birth vs. home birth, homeschooling vs. private schools vs. public schools, organic food vs. processed food, crib bumper vs. no crib bumper, in-home daycare vs. center care... good grief it could go on and on.
I liked the message of "live and let live" and modeling that for our kids.
I haven't personally been in this debate, but I know my mom got into it with my paternal grandmother about it.
Honestly, I LOVE being a working mom. I am not fit to be a SAHM. Some people I know are the opposite. I don't think one is better or worse, harder or easier, it is just different. Since I teach, I am home during the summer so see both worlds.
The only time I give anyone the side eye is when someone complains about the situation that they chose.
This sucks but aren't your in-laws a little wackadoodle? this might be a scenario where I chalk it up to crazy.
Obviously, given the choice not to work- I would not work but it would have nothing to do with the SAHM vs working mom. It would be all about us winning the lottery and me not having to have any responsibility. But, since life requires a roof over our heads, insurance, retirement, cars plus essentials like groceries- we both work because we want certain things in life (and are not comfortable with having only one income) and no one is lining up to give these things to us.
Just emailed the link to a bunch of friends, thanks! I get to see a little of both sides too, because I teach and am home during the summer. For me some of the guilt has gone away as DS has gotten older and I've seen him thrive at "school" and how much he enjoys it. I don't know that I ever really felt a lot of guilt after those first couple weeks, but more that I felt like I was supposed to feel guilt.
I have come into contact with this debate quite a bit more than I expected, to be honest. A lot of teachers here at my school adopt the "poor you, it must be so hard to come to work" attitude, especially when I first came back. I really was offended that they assumed it was something I HAD to do, not a choice I was making. DH and I did a lot of talking, a lot of number crunching, and a lot of looking at my personality - this is what works for ME right now. I would never push it on anybody else or challenge a decision they made.
I wonder if the whole mommy wars exists in the way that it does because of the anonymity of the internet. Personally all of my friends are lovely respectful individuals about folks parenting choices. So are my family members, even the ones who have 9 kids, home school and don't vaccinate - they are respectful and supportive. I know we discuss here on occasion the maturity of this board versus the inanity that can occur on the much more anonymous national boards and I think the hatred that folks see seem to coalesce on the Motherhood blog on the NY Times or any of the other mommy kingdom blogs out there is symptomatic of the same beast.
The truth is no one can have it all. There are always trade-offs. You have to make the decisions that serve you and your family best. And no one who is not in your shoes is in a position to evaluate that like you are.
I did see the one that was floating around but haven't gone into her archives yet... will do soon.
Excellent article. I feel that I do what she describes a lot too. I was blessed to be able to stay at home with my little girl for 4.5 months before we financially needed me to start working again. I was, however, plagued with the same thoughts the blogger was - "did you become a specialist in your field only to play with a playmat and make googly sounds at your daughter? How are you not able to cook and clean properly when you're home all day? Why aren't you a better mother when that's all that's demanded of you? Should you really buy yourself this when you don't earn money?". Then i returned to work and wonder every single day whether i'm doing the right thing - for four or five days a week, I don't see my daughter but an hour in the morning. I wonder if she'll remember me, if she feels abandoned and, when she's tired because she doesn't sleep as well at daycare, i wonder how i can possibly be putting her through this.
And yet, i see her smile and grow at daycare, love her daycare providers and it eases my heart. I go to work and do some good for a client and it eases my heart. We are slowly rebuilding our savings and i'm not wondering how we're going to pay the mortgage and i can sleep a little easier.
There is no easy answer - as PP mentioned, there's no perfect solution, and like you all have said - for the love of all that's holy, why the hell aren't we kinder to each other? (not on this board - this board is one of the greatest gifts i've stumbled upon). Why are there people who waste so much time on judging when we all have so little time as it is to do the things we hope to do?
Artslvr, thank you for another good blogpost. I really enjoy reading these.
I totally agree -- go to that woman's website. I spent at least 3 hours there reading archived posts and laughed/cried so hard! She is the best blogger I have ever run across, and pretty much every story deals with being a mother/wife/sister.