I don't know what to do about DD (nbr and long)

learningfromlife · January 2012

I have been separated from my ex husband since our daughter was 8 months old, and we have been divorced for almost 4 years now, so my daughter doesn't remember us ever being together. We get along pretty good 90% of the time and have shared 50/50 custody for as long as I can remember.

We are constantly getting compliments on how beautifully adjusted our daughter is despite coming from a "broken home." Well... a couple of months ago my ex changed jobs and now works with the same company as my dad and their company is not a family friendly one. He is now gone out of town from early Monday morning until at least Thursday evening every week, and I told him as soon as he got the job she was coming to my house when he's gone because I didn't believe in his girlfriend raising my daughter when I'm right here to do it (I don't have any issues with the girl, I just believe she's my daughter and I should be raising her if her father is unable to do so).

My daughter doesn't do really well with change and she isn't taking it well that daddy went from seeing her every other week to basically every other weekend. He tried to demand I give up my weekends with her so he could have every weekend and I politely told him he was out of his mind because she's in school and it's not fair I have the majority of the burden during the week with school work and doctors appointments and everything else (with 0 financial assistance from him) and I wouldn't even get to do anything with her on weekends, but I did agree to let him have fridays on my weeks.

Well she's started sucking her thumb a lot again and has been really emotional the past few weeks about the separation from her dad. I told her in front of her dad that he could call her every night before bed (even on my weeks) and that if daddy got a web camera we would set it up so they could video chat during the week while he's gone. She just almost started crying because he didn't call tonight and I tried explaining that maybe daddy didn't call because this is her normal weekend with mommy and daddy calls her during the week.

I just don't know what to do to help her deal with the adjustment .

MsCat19 · January 2012

There are a lot of similarities to your situation as there were with mine... unfortunately, my ex still pulls away... DD is at his house this weekend, and I know he's working tonight, and she's with his parents. He's been living with his new girlfriend, but had not had DD stay there yet.

I hope your current SO is fantastic with your DD... mine is and it's helped so much. I never talk smack around DD about the ex, and when ever she wants to see or reach out to him, I do my best... I wish I had better advice, but all I can say is be the best mommy you can be...

learningfromlife · January 2012

MsCat19:
There are a lot of similarities to your situation as there were with mine... unfortunately, my ex still pulls away... DD is at his house this weekend, and I know he's working tonight, and she's with his parents. He's been living with his new girlfriend, but had not had DD stay there yet.
I hope your current SO is fantastic with your DD... mine is and it's helped so much. I never talk smack around DD about the ex, and when ever she wants to see or reach out to him, I do my best... I wish I had better advice, but all I can say is be the best mommy you can be...

Oh he is... I am so blessed! Those two are two peas in a pod and it's sweet to watch. They took to each other immediately and he always refers to her as his daughter when he talks about our little family.

It makes me sad that she is going through this. I am trying to talk to my ex about switching school systems next year because she really doesn't do well with change (which is why I was so surprised she was so great with my husband in the beginning) and our city now has the kids switching schools every other year and the next district over has open enrollment so all we have to do is apply and she wouldn't change schools so much (just elementary to middle to high)... He has to think about it. What is there to think about? I take her and pick her up every day already anyhow and there would be more stability this way. Ugh.

I also refuse to bad mouth him in front of her. We try really hard to talk out our issues and be as cordial as possible for her because our crappy marriage is water under the bridge and she's all the matters when it comes to us now.

MsCat19 · January 2012

Look at it this way - she's with you the whole school week. At this point, any court in the land would take your side. He doesn't put anything toward her expenses (mine either, it sucks). You need to let him know this is what is in her best interest, and it's what needs to happen for her. Don't really give him an option.

I've done my best to stay away from fighting with my ex - and people give me cr@p about it all the time, and I get the feeling you're the same way. This is an issue that you feel strongly about, don't let him dictate. If you stand strong for only the truly important issues, I think it'll work out for you.

Best of luck with everything... I know it sucks, but you showing this strength for DD will make all the difference in the world as she grows.

learningfromlife · January 2012

MsCat19:
Look at it this way - she's with you the whole school week. At this point, any court in the land would take your side. He doesn't put anything toward her expenses (mine either, it sucks). You need to let him know this is what is in her best interest, and it's what needs to happen for her. Don't really give him an option.
I've done my best to stay away from fighting with my ex - and people give me cr@p about it all the time, and I get the feeling you're the same way. This is an issue that you feel strongly about, don't let him dictate. If you stand strong for only the truly important issues, I think it'll work out for you.
Best of luck with everything... I know it sucks, but you showing this strength for DD will make all the difference in the world as she grows.

Thanks! It is great to hear encouraging words from someone who is in a similar situation. You're right I do try to stay away from fighting with him, and my husband doesn't always like decisions I make but he knows I'm doing what I think is best for my daughter so he supports me.