Mean girls work advice (long)

SareBear30 · January 2012

Only this time, I'm worried I'll be the mean girl.

I'm hoping you ladies can help me with this. I work at a large healthcare org and I often go to the cafe for lunch with several other social workers from different floors. There are four others that are all my age range (27-36) and we get along well.

We used to have some other ladies that ate with us that work on the floors with the other girls, but have either stopped coming to lunch or left. Except one. She is at least 20 years older than us, which isn't an issue on its own (there was another woman who was older that we loved who left.) but she is so out of touch with everything we talk about, can't keep us with conversation, can't keep a secret, and is just generally obnoxious. It was so nice over Christmas recently when she was out that we hadn't realized how uncomfortable we all are having her sit with us until she wasn't there.

Now she's back though, and we are all about to pull out hair out. We don't want to be mean girls and cliquey but are at a loss as to how to get some peace. Any ideas? The best I can come up with is just avoiding her an going someplace else to eat. The only issue is, it's not a problem for me or one of the other girls, but she calls the girls who work directly with her and they don't know how to set boundaries either.

I don't want to hurt her feelings, but lunch isn't any fun anymore either. Any ideas? Or do y'all just think I'm a huge biitch?

brideonjuly8 · January 2012

That's tough. Is there anyway you can get food there and sit elsewhere? Like outside or another area without her seeing you? I hate situations like that because I'm also worried about hurting others feelings. But no, I don't think you're a biitch for being annoyed by someone else.

Jess.O · January 2012

Ugh, this is a tough situation. I wish I had some advice for you but I'm not really good at stuff like that. If it were me, I'd just complain about it to my friends when she wasn't around and put up with it. (Not that that's something good to do.) Is there someone who would mention to her some of the things that she does that bother you guys. (Obs, not just being out of touch but the obnoxiousness maybe.)

I don't think you're being a biitch. I understand and am interested and what advice people have for you.

SareBear30 · January 2012

brideonjuly8:
That's tough. Is there anyway you can get food there and sit elsewhere? Like outside or another area without her seeing you? I hate situations like that because I'm also worried about hurting others feelings. But no, I don't think you're a biitch for being annoyed by someone else.

There is another cafe or we could eat outside. The problem is that she calls the girls she works directly with and they feel like they have to answer and tell her where they are (not because she is their superior, just because they feel bad.) I tell them not to answer and to tell her late if she asks that their phones were on silent, but I don't know if that's the better.

agran · January 2012

okay I'm going to be harsh so please forgive me in advance... but we've just gone though something like this at work and I was offended that people were not inclusive.

Lunch at work is still work-- you are not there to socialize and have bff's you are there to work. Lunch at work is usually talking about mundane things, what's on tv, or what's going on at work. If you have bff's at work you develop those relationships outside of work. What is wrong with including the older co-worker? She may be out of touch but she may also offer a new perspective to the conversations. Obviously she wants to join you for lunch because she keeps asking and yes you are being the mean girl by trying to exclude her.

How would you feel if you were suddenly excluded by a group? It's not like your lunch hour is going to become any life changing event and it never hurts to be nice to others. Plus some day you will be the 40 something and you will want to be included in lunch.

Sorry this seems a little bitchy but I feel sorry for the people I see in the work cafeteria eating by themselves. I hope I'm never that person and I think I won't be because I try to be friendly and inclusive with everyone I work with.

mlf625 · January 2012

I'm with agran. I don't think there's any nice way to boot this woman from your lunches.

It was forever ago, but in high school, there was a group of 4 of us who went out to lunch together every day. Being fickle high school girls, 3 of us decided we didn't enjoy the company of the 4th anymore. We snuck around and finally ditched the poor girl .... and I still feel like a total ass when I think back on how we must have hurt her feelings when she realized we'd left her. Day after day. Ugh.

Just do the nice thing, imo.

brideonjuly8 · January 2012

I totally get what agran is saying, and I don't think I could bring myself to actually ditch her. But I've been in company of coworkers who just grate on my last nerve (nothing they did wrong, but not everyone's personalities mesh and there's certainly nothing wrong with that) and it usually puts me in a funk and gets me in a bad mood. I wouldn't like feeling that way everyday after lunch, but ditching her would also make me feel bad. Can you do lunch by yourself a few days a week and put up with her for the other days? Make conversation about non-work stuff and keep it very surface? Like TV shows, clothes, celebrity gossip, etc. Can you meet someone else outside of work for lunch once a week?

I used to work with a very clicky group of older women and they would invite me to lunch every now and then, but I just couldn't handle being around them. They talked bad about a lot of other people and I just couldn't stand to be around them for very long. I don't think this is all that different, but I don't think you should try to exclude her, but maybe do something different yourself.

SareBear30 · January 2012

That's the thing, I've been te person who has been snubbed, I don't want to hurt ER feelings, but I (and the others are miserable.) We sit in silence for much of the time, because no one wants to share anything since we know we will 1) get a million questions and 2) she does not understand discretion and is likely to share private info to others.

Maybe this is more of a vent. I don't think there is any nice way to separate ourselves. It just sucks.

ashleybritton · January 2012

agran:
okay I'm going to be harsh so please forgive me in advance... but we've just gone though something like this at work and I was offended that people were not inclusive.

Lunch at work is still work-- you are not there to socialize and have bff's you are there to work. Lunch at work is usually talking about mundane things, what's on tv, or what's going on at work. If you have bff's at work you develop those relationships outside of work. What is wrong with including the older co-worker? She may be out of touch but she may also offer a new perspective to the conversations. Obviously she wants to join you for lunch because she keeps asking and yes you are being the mean girl by trying to exclude her.

How would you feel if you were suddenly excluded by a group? It's not like your lunch hour is going to become any life changing event and it never hurts to be nice to others. Plus some day you will be the 40 something and you will want to be included in lunch.

Sorry this seems a little bitchy but I feel sorry for the people I see in the work cafeteria eating by themselves. I hope I'm never that person and I think I won't be because I try to be friendly and inclusive with everyone I work with.

I have to agree. It stinks because that's not a fun situation, but there isn't a nice way to change the situation. Have you thought about inviting some older people to join your group? She might start side conversations with them and make things not so awkward.

atlantic · January 2012

Yep...I agree with previous two posters. It sucks...but i think you should suck it up. Otherwise, yrs, I think its bitchy!

AustinBride06 · January 2012

I agree that it doesnt sound nice to exclude her altogether. But I like bride's idea of mixing it up. Have lunch by yourself from time to time or go out w one other person or have the entire group (including the annoying one) sit somewhere else sometimes. Maybe changing it up will make her less grating to everyone and maybe then the dynamic will naturally shift and she'll be less interested in eating with you guys every day. I dunno, it's tough. I prefer to be inclusive too, but sometimes it's nice to have a core group that's more tight-knit. Agree w agran that this is a coworker thing and not necessarily a friend thing so there's that.

Chicklit · January 2012

I definitely agree with agran and bride. We've all had that co-worker and we've probably all been that coworker (or friend) a time or two. Maybe keep group lunch to a couple of days a week and when you really need a break from her, eat by yourself.

And keep the lunches with her to light topics. Honestly, I've seen more than one person get burned sharing private info with their coworkers. It's probably not a bad idea to keep that to the bare minimum.

jgiles · January 2012

I agree with Agran and bride. You are an adult. Please ast like it and not act like you are in high school. You are at work and need to be professional. Sorry

Want a personalized experience?

Mean girls work advice (long)

Re: Mean girls work advice (long)

Choose Another Board

Search Boards