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July 2012 Moms
hokiemama06
member
Family Name Dilemma - Epic Long
hokiemama06
member
So, here's my dilemma. I am the last of 4 daughters in my family and a twin. My oldest two sisters have a handful of kids between them, and this is my first. My twin has reproductive problems and more likely than not will be unable to have a child. Her number 1 goal in life has been to be a mom, so this has been a particularly tough journey for her.
When we found out we were pregnant, I drove to her house an hour and a half away just before Christmas to tell her the news first personally and privately, so she had time to have whatever reaction she needed to have privately and not spring it on her in front of a bunch of family. I was totally at peace with her even not being happy for me, as she was recently in a place where everyone who got pregnant did it to spite her. I've been trying to follow her lead and let her decide how involved she wants to be with this, as I can only imagine it is extremely difficult to go through IF.
Fast forward to now, and word has gotten to me via another sister that my twin wants to explicitly ask me not to use a family name. Now, if we were talking about just any old name, then fine, no problemo. My attitude is that there are thousands of names, and I can just as easily like Jason as I did Barry. But we're talking about a name that has a great deal of meaning to me and all my sisters. She started to broach the conversation a few nights ago via phone, and I kinda cut her off, as I was meeting a friend who had recently miscarried to tell her I was pregnant in person and didn't want to have that hanging over me as I broke the news to her. (thankfully that went well)
I asked my mom for advice (not really a great move) and she got upset that my twin would have the gall to even ask me and what kind of position it put me in. She doesn't want our decisions about our life to revolve around my twin. DH and I have spoken and he supports whatever decision I make, but he and I have already decided to use the name if it is gender appropriate for this baby.
I am really kind of at the place where I feel like that is asking me for a lot, and although I usually just go along to keep the peace, I'm not inclined to agree. I mean, my sisters before could have used the name, right? And, just because I use the name, doesn't mean that she can't use it in a different way. I've even rehearsed the line "I don't think we should have this conversation, because I am afraid it will cause problems between us."
There's a lot more to it than this, but I don't want to put you guys to sleep. So, what do you think? Am I being selfish? DH and I have really been planning to use this name since long before we even talked about TTC, so I kind of have my heart set.
Thanks in advance for the perspective, my free therapists!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Family Name Dilemma - Epic Long
Hm. That's kind of a tough situation. You don't want to upset your sister, but you have every right to use whatever name you want.
I think you're going to have to have that uncomfortable conversation where you try to remain sensitive to your sister's feelings, but still stick up for your right to name your baby whatever you want.
Good luck!
It sounds more like she's being selfish. Not to be mean, but it would be one thing if she could have children and wanted to reserve the name for herself (my younger sister gave me a short list of names she really wanted me NOT to use because she loves them - which was fine with me) . . . but if she can't have children, it seems like a "if *I* can't have it, no one can have it."
However, do you know her reason for not wanting you to use it? I would have a conversation with her about it. It doesn't seem fair to not even let her talk to you about it, and maybe she has a valid reason. It seems like cutting her off and not even allowing the conversation to happen will create a problem automatically, when there doesn't necessarily need to be one. However, I would have a "conversation ender" planned, in the event that she is just being spiteful.
My initial reaction is it is your baby your decision.
It sucks that your sister will probably be unable to have children, but it is kind of unfair of her to ask something like that. I would think she would be proud that you chose to use the family name.
Strange question: If she was able to get pregnant is that the name she wanted? Have ya'll discussed something like what ya'll would name ya'lls children one day?
Years ago we threw around names, but I honestly don't remember specifics of the conversation, just that it happened.
I'm afraid to have the conversation because I'm pretty sure it will be "because I want to use it" - I know the easy response to that is that we can both use it, but she will be slighted that I used it first.
Spot on advice. I will add that my great-grandmother was a VERY important person in the lives of my sisters and me. Her middle name was Rosalee, and my first daughter's middle name is Rose. I simply shortened the name a bit but it is still in my great-grandmother's honor. My younger sister has a little girl and her middle name is Rosalee. Do I care? Not one bit. I think you could both easily use the name you both love in some way without stepping on one another's toes. But I DO believe you need to talk to her about this without cutting her off.
Thanks guys - I know you're right, I'm just so afraid of getting her upset with me that my philosophy is "duck and roll". She holds grudges like a champ, and I am afraid this will always be between us if it comes up - seriously, she still brings up stuff from middle school. I need to not be such a chicken.
Also, I realize I haven't made it clear that I love my sister dearly and I don't want her to come off in an unflattering light. I am by no means perfect and am very aware of my own faults (avoidance being one of them), I am just afraid to hurt her feelings.
I would use the name myself. Hopefully one day she will have a child but if she doesn't, then the name never gets to be used because she threw a fit? I'm one of the last ones to get pregnant in my massive family and many of the names I really love have been used in one way or another. None of course are a special family name but I would never dream of telling a sibling or cousin not to use a name because one day I may have a baby and may want to use that name. Let her throw her pissy fit then I'm sure eventually she'll get over it. I agree with a pp that she's being selfish about this and is making it unfair to put you in that situation. Maybe announce the name before baby's arrival so she has time to have her tantrum and not ruin the birth of your baby if she doesn't find out until the day the kid is born.
I agree with one more makes four. "James' is a very special name in my family- my great-uncle, who was born with mental problems and died at an early age, was my grandfather's twin, and I have about five cousins who are named some permutation of James- all in the same generation. (Jamie, Jimmy, Jim, and one who I swear is named Jimbo, etc) We also have a lot of "Ellen"s- one girl who's actually named Ellen and another who has it as her middle name. There's no reason why your twin can't use the family name as a middle name. My grandmother likes to remind me that in the South, we recycle the most important things!
My uncle is named after my grandfather- and so are my cousin and his little boy. My grandfather had a very specific and unique name, and I adored that man. I didn't want my potential son to have the same name as four other people even though I love them all, so FI and I decided to pick a strong first name for our potential son and then give him my grandfather's first name as a middle name. It sounds corny, but it works for us.
Are you finding out the sex soon or waiting? If you're finding out I would avoid the conversation until after you know if it's even going to be an issue.
If that's the name both you and your husband like, I wouldn't change it because of your sister. I would continue to look at names, but I would tell my sister I am 99% certain we are going to go with this family name. It means a lot to you as well as he and I would ask that she be happy with the name living on in her niece or nephew.
It's sad that she is having issues, and it sounds like you have been very supportive and sensitive to her situation, though you have your own life and your own family to think about.
Best of luck
You HAVE to talk to your sister. I disagree with the others that say to just use it. I think it is very low to completely disregard your sisters feelings and it sounds like there is a lot more to the story.
Good luck and hopefully you both can find middle ground on the name.