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Breastfeeding
LilyPotter218
member
Converted FF :) Issues w/ mom who is anti BF. Help.
LilyPotter218
member
My grandmother, mother, aunts, sister, and MIL all FF... I was set to, but the universe had other plans. Lactation store opened RIGHT next door to where I work and has amazing pumping rooms, have a free pump, and can not fathom the cost of formula when mine is free! After doing the math I was floored at how much it can cost.
So here is my issue. My mom is moving in to help with everything, including all night feedings for a month. It is her gift, and it truly is a gift - DH has to go back to work immediately. She does laundry, cooks, cleans, feeds, bathes, BUT she does not see the point in coming if I'm not FF. I will admit the idea of BFing does totally creep me out still, so the plan (for now) is to EP. I posted about this a few months back, have done a ton of research, know it will be a PITA, but I'm IN 
My hope was that my mom would feed at night, I would pump at night. Having her around would still be a HUGE help so I could pump and not worry about having to pump AND feed. She worries about baby, I can focus on supply. If supply was an issue, I would be willing to give BFing a shot during the day, and mom would still feel like she had a "point" to be there at night. She is still not seeing it...
I have no idea how this is going to work, but I want to try. I know my plan may have to change, I'm fine with that. I may have to supplement with formula, again FINE with that. Any advice to try to get her to understand that her help would still be so huge even though I won't be using formula? To those who have tried to EP or combo pump and BF. Does this plan sound like I am setting myself up for failure? I don't want to cave and FF just b/c she is being pushy, but I really really need her help...
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Re: Converted FF :) Issues w/ mom who is anti BF. Help.
I'm glad that you want to make this work and wish you luck.
However, I really hope that you can get over the idea of BFing being creepy. It is completely natural and it is a great comfort to a new baby to be able to nurse. My mom also FF but has been supportive of my decision to BF - I wouldn't have cared her opinion either way, honestly.
Of course having your mom around would be useful regardless of BF or FF - and if you are EP then definitely you could use the help. Newborns eat frequently, and if you're really going to only EP, then you probably will need someone around to hold your baby when they are fussy but you're busy with pumping. Also, middle of the night feedings will be frequent and will take a super long time if you have to pump and feed (and clean parts...).
Just an FYI about life pumping: Today at work I am wearing my new outfit of convenience - a hands free pumping bra with a flannel shirt over it. I work from home, and this helps cut out a little bit of the time that pumping takes from my day. I also am dealing with super dry skin b/c I'm always washing my hands before touching my pumping parts/bottles and am constantly washing pumping parts and bottles. Nursing takes up far less time so I only pump when I can't be with my baby.
I really do hope my feelings change about BFing, but for now I am going with what I currently feel. I was 110% FF all the way until recently, and for now, I am happy with how far I have come. Yes, a baby sucking my boob does creep me out right now, but 6 months ago so did a pump. Do I hope I see her and everything changes, absolutely, but I can't guarantee anything.
Normally I would not give a rats a$$ what my mother thinks, but this is one time I NEED her help. I don't necessarily need her to be totally on board, but to at least understand that even if I am BF/EP she will be a HUGE help!
While this sounds great... in actuality, you won't know if you have supply issues for as long as a week, maybe even 2. At that point, it will take a LOT of work to get a baby to latch and nurse if she is used to bottle feeding. If you think you might want to nurse at any point, you need to get over it being weird and do it from day 1, or you have a high risk of failure. Any amount of breastmilk is great, so if you want to EP that is wonderful. Just don't expect it to be able to nurse if your supply is low because of EPing.
The only advice I have for your mother is to give her all of the research. Sit down and show her the AAP website. Give her statistics and straighforward science that shows the benefits of breastfeeding. Show her the cost difference. And then tell her that you and your husband decided that you want this for your daughter, and you would really love her help and you hope she can get on board with your parenting decisions. If she can't respect your decisions, you will have to consider which is more important to you. Personally, I think it's incredibly petty of your mother to be unwilling to help you if you breastfeed. If she's going to be so negative about it, and if she's going to force her parenting style on you that much, I'm not sure she'll actually be helpful. She'll just make you feel inadequate and stupid, and what new parent wants to feel that way? You will be a great mother, and that doesn't require doing it her way.
If you end up having to go it alone while EPing, remember that you don't have to wash pump parts after every pump. Put them in the fridge and use them again, and wash only once or twice a day in hot soapy water. Disinfect with the Medela steam bags a couple times a week. Buy more than 1 set of pump parts so if you're really exhausted, you can skip washing for a day. Freeze meals for you now so you can just thaw, microwave, and eat when you're home alone. Get a carrier (I loved my Moby wrap) that you can put a newborn in so you can be "holding" her and eating at the same time.
I think it is weird that you find BFing creepy but not pumping. I EBF and I find my pump way more creepy than my kid. LOL. DH calls me a "Fem-bot" when I use it. (He's totally supportive and just getting me to laugh...)
At any rate, I think you could help your mom understand the benefits of BFing /EPing if you provided her info. My mom FF us, but she has been supportive of my BFing. I think it is a respect issue generally, more than an issue with BFing. This is a decision you are making as a parent. Either she wants to support you as a mother or she doesn't, but making her decision about coming to stay with you and provide you support should not be based on how you feed LO. I wonder what other things she'll disagree with you about when she is there to "help."
There is so much that your mom will be able to help with other than feeding your baby. Like you said, there's cooking, cleaning, laundry, diapers, rocking, etc. that all need to be done when you aren't feeding your baby. I remember the day my DH went back to work I sat in bed with DD, nursed her, and she promptly puked all over me and our sheets. Thank God for my awesome mom who came over, and changed and washed my sheets while I took a shower and got myself cleaned up.
My first couple of days at home showers took awhile since I was still bleeding and tending to my stitches. It was great to be able to take as long as I needed since my mom was sitting with DD and I didn't feel rushed to get back to her.
I don't understand your mom being so against breastfeeding that she won't come if she can't feed the baby. However, that's her opinion so if you don't want to fight about it, I think the most compelling argument may be the financial aspect of it. Show her the difference in cost, and tell her that it's at least worth you trying to feed your baby for free. Trying to prove that BF is better than FF in terms of benefits of health, etc. are just going to insinuate that she didn't do the best thing for her kids.
That being said, please know that the first couple of weeks of breastfeeding are hard. Babies nurse all the time. It's time consuming and emotional. If your mom is there and is not supportive of your decision she may keep pushing you to formula until she succeeds. I honestly wouldn't even have formula in the house to tempt her with. Around us there are enough 24 grocery stores that we weren't more than 15 minutes away from formula if we truly needed it.
Bottom line is that you are the mom, you get to make the decisions about your child.
I had no idea about this! Thank you
Like I said before, I really do hope once I see her and (hopefully) experience that "OMG I am so in love beyond what I ever imagined", moment I hear so much about, my feelings on BFing will change. If I do BF immediately, would it be possible to BF during the days and bottle feed at night?
Also greatly appreciate the advice on EPing. I have read so many websites and lists from mom's and keep learning something new. I plan to utilize this board as much as possible until she is here!
As far as my mom goes. Our relationship has always been tough. We have opposite opinions on just about everything. Had a good talk about what she should and should not comment on at this point, and I basically said, as long as I am not putting anyones life at risk, to stay out of it! Her input is always appreciated, and I will listen, but if I do not change my mind, it ends
She is getting better and does understand the BFing from a financial standpoint. (at least it's something right!!) My sister has had 2 on formula and both have ended up needing some insanely specialized brand. The cost was outrageous!
If she only wants to come if you FF does that mean all she wants to "help" with is taking the baby away from you so she can feed him/her? If she really wants to be helpful, she should come look after the house (cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, etc) and you (make sure you get a shower every day, encourage you to rest), and only take LO when you ask her to- this time is for you to get adjusted to being a mommy and for you to get to know LO- regardless of how you feed the baby.
If you EP, you'll need way more help than you would if you were to FF or BF. BFing you just put baby to boob and LO is all set. FF all you do is mix it & feed it. EPing you need to set up & pump, store the milk & wash the parts, plus defrost/prepare LO's bottle.
If you do stick with EPing from the get-go, you'll want to pump every time LO eats to make sure that your supply and LO's demand are in line. If you don't want to do it that way and would rather pump on a schedule (be careful doign this in the begining as nature figured out an excellent system to make supply match demand), I'd suggest pumping ~35/40oz a day as this is the high end of what a baby will take once they're maxing out. The other consideration is with EPing, supply usually (though not always) drops after a few months.
Like PP said, I can't imagine pumping being more palitable than BFing, but that's just me. Hooked up to the pump i feel like a science project, BFing I feel like a mommy.
Good luck with your mom, and with being one yourself!!
I think it is going to be hard to get mom on board when you describe breastfeeding as "gross" and don't seem totally on board yourself. Hopefully, she is your mother and she will want to help you in anyway that she can regardless of her own opinions. But if you want her to be more supportive, you should definitely be careful of how you discuss breastfeeding in front of her.
When she sees how much work it is for you to EP, she is likely going to tell you how easy it would be to FF. And you need to be prepared for that and have a response ready. I was comfortable with the idea of breastfeeding and my own MIL's comment on a difficult day that "her babies were all fed formula and turned out okay" about sent me over the edge.
In response to one of your questions, yes it is possible to nurse during the day and pump at night. I have done this from time to time on the weekends to get more sleep. But you have to be good about it and pump when LO eats or on a schedule if you want to keep supply up.
Ok, I was pro-FF. Several women in my extended family did BF, so I knew alittle bit about it. While signing up for infant CPR and birth classes, I decided to take a BF class. It was one night for 2 or 3 hours. My instructor was very good and fair honest. There are parts that are not fun at all, but in the end the benefit usually out way them and most moms enjoy BF. BF is hard in the first few weeks and you need a support system. After birth, you should BF and see how you feel. I will also thought that it would be odd and that I might not like it. However, once I did it - it was no big deal. And after finishing BF, using during sex seemed odd again at first.
Your mom can do 100 other things than feed LO. She can even watch him at night, change him, bring him to you for feeding, and then take him back and rock him back to sleep. That is a huge help.
Sidenote - I have no idea why so main people make a big deal about feeding the baby. It is one thing that needs to be done. You can hold, talk/sing, bath, play with the baby. (Luckly my mom was very supportive eventhough she never BF.)
First, I never said gross. I apparently can't explain it clearly. It does not bother me when other people do it, and I am trying to get past my feelings, but for now it is what it is. I don't expect anyone to understand it, but I am personally pretty happy that I have become open to the idea of pumping and am even starting to feel more open to BFing.
If that is weird, then so be it. I am absolutely "on board" when it comes to giving my daughter breast milk. How it is given is the question at hand here. My mother knows this. I am not ashamed of how I feel about it and have been open with her. Money is a big factor for us. I work full time and will have to continue this. DH is an attorney, but is a brand new attorney and doesn't make much - not close to what we had hoped.
As far as my mother is concerned, she understands it from a financial aspect. In her mind, night feedings is just the way she feels can be MOST helpful. I have been given great feedback on ways to assure her she will still be helpful even if it is not at night, which is what I was looking for. Yes she is extremely stubborn and set in her ways. In all honestly she is kind of a scary b*tch. But she is my mom.
She just got back from helping my sister with her newest, and by no means thinks FF is the easy fix. My niece only takes 2oz at 6 weeks old, has special formula that needs to be mixed with drops of this, and tsp of that. For once in her life she saw a baby that likely would have been much more successful being BF.
Being able to tell her that help with the house, and allowing me to pump, eat, shower... will all be HUGELY helpful will be great. I think it will be clear that even if night feedings is not the answer, there are plenty of other things I will NEED her help with.
Thank you to everyone who answered my questions. I am sorry if I offended anyone with my feelings toward baby on my boob. It was not meant to offend and yes I know I am a bit strange in that regard
This. I'll be honest with you: EPing extremely hard work I did it for the first three months. The pump isn't as good as the baby for getting milk out, so my supply dwindled. BFing is also hard work....initially, but not as hard as EPing. Rare is the baby who comes out and can start nursing right away without ANY issues. However, the reason why people do it is for health reasons (for both you and the baby), cost, and because if you stick with it for a couple months, it becomes sooooo easy.
Those first few weeks when you are figuring out BF/EP, you will need a lot of encouragement and support. Having Debbie Downer in your house telling you misinformation and making you feel bad for opting to provide the healthiest food for your LO will make this experience twice as hard. If you can steel yourself from your mom's misguided views, then tell her that you would love for her to come to help. You can attend to LO, she can attend to the house.
Either way, enlist the help of an LC.
BFP #3 via cancelled IUI ~ C (2lb 3oz; HELLP) 5/16/11
BFP #4 via the natural (free!) way ~ E (8lb 11oz) 9/13/12
This. I'll be honest with you: EPing extremely hard work I did it for the first three months. The pump isn't as good as the baby for getting milk out, so my supply dwindled. BFing is also hard work....initially, but not as hard as EPing. Rare is the baby who comes out and can start nursing right away without ANY issues. However, the reason why people do it is for health reasons (for both you and the baby), cost, and because if you stick with it for a couple months, it becomes sooooo easy.
Those first few weeks when you are figuring out BF/EP, you will need a lot of encouragement and support. Having Debbie Downer in your house telling you misinformation and making you feel bad for opting to provide the healthiest food for your LO will make this experience twice as hard. If you can steel yourself from your mom's misguided views, then tell her that you would love for her to come to help. You can attend to LO, she can attend to the house.
Either way, enlist the help of an LC.
BFP #3 via cancelled IUI ~ C (2lb 3oz; HELLP) 5/16/11
BFP #4 via the natural (free!) way ~ E (8lb 11oz) 9/13/12
Agree - if you are truly determined to BF, don't have any at home to start with. Its less tempting if you have to get out at 3am to go buy some. And if you already have some, hide it from her so that she doesn't know its there.
I commend you for educating yourself on the benefits of breastfeeding - especailly coming from such a pro-FF family. At this point, you are not going to change your mothers mind about FF. What you can tell her, is that the information she had back then is what everyone did - and that's ok. You did turn out great and you appreciate everything that she did for you. But this is a decision you are making for your family and there are several factors that are going into this decision. Let her know that you would still appreciate any help she is willing to give and are excited for her to be there to help you with her grandaughter.
How you feed your baby should not determine the amount of help you are going to receive! That is pretty silly. I think if you were BFing you would tend to get more help - since your LO will be latched 24/7!
Anyways, feel free to join our EP facebook group - link in my siggy (probably not clicky - still haven't figured that out!) for help on everything EP related.
my son and i have had BF issues since day one. I planned to BF, and now EP due to his latch/ weight gain/ posterior tongue tie etc. EP is very tough. it takes a long time to pump, feed, and setup and wash pump parts. it is also frustrating feeling tied to a pump 24/7 and it is very tough to feel like while you are pumping food for the baby, you are not giving him or her your full attention while pumping. I thought I might feel weird about a baby sucking on my boob, even though I wanted to BF. I felt differently once I met my son, it's hard to explain, but I got over the weirdness pretty quickly.
I feel- having had to supplement with formula in the beginning- that whether you BF or EP, you will need your mom's help just as much if not more than if you FF. For me, BF was/ is the hardest thing i have ever done. My husband helped me quite a bit in the beginning, but I would have loved all the help I could get!!!!
You've been told lots of things about feeding, so I'll skip that.
You need help no matter how you feed your baby. Being on your own right after giving birth sucks, and if your mom CAN come and is holding that hostage based on what you want to feed your baby... well, she's being a pretty lousy mom and grandma. You'll need the help to just get through the day, to cook and clean and keep you company and tell you you're doing a good job and make you sleep when the baby sleeps. You need your MOM so you can learn how to be one.
She needs to get over herself and come mother you. It's not about how she fed you, or how you'll feed your baby. It's about what a wonderful gift some help is at the point in your life when you need it the most.
Call her on her bull$hit.
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All of this exactly.
Plus, I wanted to tell you about my mom. She was there to help me with DS regardless of how I fed him...and thank god she did...but she also made comments about FFing and wondering when I was gonna start doing it. I eventually found out that when she had me and my brother, it was a widely held (American) belief that FFing was better and healthier for babies than BFing. I was quite suprised, to say the least. I gave her some of the current research info and left it at that. She never said anything about it again, even though I know she still had trouble with it.
I don't know if our mom's are close in age, but it's possible she may have the same "belief" that FFing is better for baby than BFing. Maybe it would help to find out.
GL