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Attachment Parenting
jshf
member
I'm starting to hate DH again... (vent, long) (update)
jshf
member
When I had DS1, I really started to resent and hate DH because I felt he was so selfish and not doing his part. We worked through it and he has gotten better at taking care of DS1. However, now that we have DS2, we had come up with a plan so that I wouldn't feel so resentful. I sleep with DS2 and take care of him pretty much 99% of the time. DH is supposed to take more responsibility for DS1. But DS1 has been sick and sleeping horribly. Plus of course he is adjusting to DS2 being here and sharing us. Last night DS1 went to bed at 7 and woke up at 3:30. DH said he couldn't get him back to sleep so came downstairs at 4. I got up at 4:45 with DS2. I found DS1 watching tv. DH said that he'd been watching almost an hour and so would turn it off after the episode.
I had been up with DS2 several times, plus am sick and just tired. So when DS2 was crying while I was changing him, DH asked me if I wanted him to hold DS2 for 5 min before he went up to get changed and ready for work. I said, yes hold him. My tone was irritable and short. DH accused me of being snippy and got angry with me. I told him I was just tired and not to make everything about him. Plus I was irritated that he let DS1 watch an hour of tv by 5 am. DH doesn't get home until 5:30, so now I have 12 hours with DS1 plus DS2 and we've used up his tv time. We agreed to try to limit it to 1 hour a day.
I later emailed DH to please not let DS1 watch tv first thing in the morning. DH then emailed back saying to stop being snippy and that he was tired and that he wasn't going to play and read to DS1 after a terrible nights sleep.
I know this may sound petty, but I am feeling angry and resentful towards DH again. He always has excuses as to why he lets DS1 watch tv. DS1 is a zombie with the tv on and of course it's easier. But no matter if I'm sick, tired, and even with two, I limit his tv time. Occasionally I go over, but it's usually just 30 min more. So I guess I resent him because he does things to make his life easier but doesn't really try to make things easier for me.
I'm even starting to think about doing sleep training for DS1 so he sleeps on his own full time. That way DH can't use his being tired as an excuse for pretty much everything.
Sorry, I'm just venting. I'm not sure if I am being rational or just letting the fatigue and hormones of being a new mom get to me. But I really am starting to hate DH again but don't want to...
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Re: I'm starting to hate DH again... (vent, long) (update)
I am in the same resentful boat as you. I have PPD and so H and I started counseling. It has helped a lot for him to have someone else tell him what I am going through and what he can do to help. Even though it has been the same things I have always said, he just understands better when it is coming from an outside source. If you are able to do counseling, I highly recommend it.
My H doesn't respond well with telling him not to do something, instead I have to give him ideas of what he can do. If you know of things your H doesn't do to help DS1 get back to sleep, offer up your ideas to H.
You have a newborn again, you are all not feeling well and you are all sleep deprived. Enlist others for help if you can. This is just a phase, and like before, it will get better.
GL momma!
Children, especially new babies, are hard on everyone (including marriages). So you feel resentful today, considering what's going on, I don't blame you. Just make sure that you eventually let it go. When you get some rest, feel better and have a good night, try thinking of the things DH does do.
It is hard to get up at 3:30 and then head in to work. Since your DS1 is sick (and maybe not himself) and your DH so tired, is it so bad that they leaned on TV? My DS1 would be a TV zombie too if we let him and I have to limit his TV/Kinect/Computer time the same as you. However, when he is sick, or I am sick, I relax with that and let him watch/play games way more. So for us, if it is only occasional, I don't think it's so bad especially with a new baby in the house that limits our time, attention and energy.
We are only human! Give yourself some slack mama. Hate him today if you want, but tomorrow remind yourself of all the reasons you love him.
I feel for you - I know with LO the first few weeks (um,months) were an emotional roller coaster. I was a wreck - snapping and getting angry at little things because I was so overwhelmed.
It sounds like the key thing you are upset about, or the thing that set you off, is that your DH let LO watch TV, which took up your TV time during the day. Now you feel like you can't let him watch TV because it would be too much TV in one day.
I can see both sides - DH was tired and wanted to sleep. Now you are tired and want some down time. Both are solved by TV time with LO to keep him occupied.
I agree with PP - I would relax the TV time in situations like this, and work on a solution when both you and DH have more rest. Maybe there is another activity that occupies LO with minimal supervision that he can do in the early morning. But right now, IMO, it's about survival!
In our house, we actually don't count the early morning or sick TV time. Like, if LO waked up before 6am, I will let her watch TV if she wants and not count it. I think TV is bad if you use it as a replacement for interacting with your child. If she didn't wake up early, she'd be sleeping. Mabye that's crazy, but it's how I justify it in my mind.
A little more TV one day isn't going to hurt. (FYI, we allow 30 minutes a day and some days there is no TV, so the days she has 1 hour I feel like it's fine)
Good luck and hang in there.
I understand your resentment. I am 100% guilty of snapping at H when I'm irritated. But, I think you might be letting fatigue and hormones get to you just a bit. I'm not saying you're being unreasonable, you have every right to expect H to pick up the slack of having a newborn at home.
Brand newborn, sick DS1, sick you, everyone is tired, H has to go to work, you're home with 2 LOs- is now really a good time to worry about going over TV limits? I understand that it's not ideal in your eyes, but being irritated about it and emailing H at work (IMO, a terrible idea) will NOT fix the situation, it will just lead to more conflict. You're in survival mode. Is DS1 safe, fed, reasonably happy? Let everything else go until you are both a bit more rested and more reasonable.
Sit down with H and make a list of what HAS to be done. Food. Basic cleaning. Baths. Laundry. Decide what each of you will do- neither of you can read minds.
You said you came up with a plan- what is it? Is it working? Or do you need to reassess it?
A) You are hormonal. So your feelings about everything are just more intense than normal. Try to remind yourself and DH of this. And if your emotions feel too out of control, go get some meds. (been there, done that, meds are NICE and not necessarily a long term thing)
C) At 4am, anything goes. How about adjusting the TV rule to be one hour of TV between 6am and bedtime? And your DH probably was trying to be nice to you - by letting you sleep instead of waking you up with a screaming toddler at 4am.
When one of my kids (4 and 2yo) wake up early and can't go back to sleep, you betcha I'm dozing on the couch while they watch Dora. I don't think it's a bad thing. It's not a normal routine for us, and I get to the point where I can not physically function without at least some extra rest time.
Also keep in mind that your plan with DH on taking care of the kids will only work as far as the kids allow it. With my DD, our plan was that DH took care of any wakings until midnight and after 6am until he left at 7am. I was on-call from 12-6am. This worked for us. Tried to do the same thing with DS... yeah, not so much. DS is all mommy, only mommy, daddy is obviously trying to murder him so he must scream the house down until mommy comes. So you might have to play it by ear and tweak it as you go along.
I'm sorry you are having a rough time. I fear I will be in a similar place in a few months except on the other side of the coin. DH always feels he "does more" as he is more of the household manager and I'm expecting resentment from him when the baby arrives and my priority becomes breastfeeding and trying to get one on one time with DD.
Transitions are hard, I hate them, but you will get through this one. Just try to be gentle with yourself and DH. Having a newborn brought out wild mommy instincts and I could see how that could translate into being really upset about the T.V. time but a little extra, even a lot extra, for awhile really won't hurt and is not worth the guilt.
I can see how you would be irritated if dh was the one pushing for the tv limit and then using up all the time.
I still say do what you need to survive, and early morning tv shouldn't count.
PU also get where you are coming from re: dh getting angry at you for snapping. Dh does this to me and there are times I feel like I can't say anything remotely critical because then I'm the mean one who is always snippy. Argh. It's frustrating.
Take it easy and try to take a deep breath and I hope it gets better for you.
I agree with PPs that you are in survival mode right now-- try to cut yourself and YH some slack.
I hear you on the snipping thing, too. What I try to do (which is, of course, not easy when I'm in a bad mood!) is just state how I'm feeling. Like, "I'm really tired and frustrated right now, can you hold the baby for a minute?" or whatever. When I remember and have enough self awareness to actually do this, it seems that MH gets the point that my tone and attitude are not about him, but are just about how I'm feeling. Another phrase that both of us use is, "Sorry, I'm just really [tired/hungry/sad] right now and I didn't mean to take it out on you." That normally ends with understanding and minimally hurt feelings.
As far as the TV time, I would be very frustrated if MH were strict about the amount of screen time and then used it all. Is there any way you guys could agree to split it? Like, he can't use TV for more the 30 minutes and then you get the other 30 minutes? Or, like PPs said, have times that don't count, like the early morning or if LO is sick. I think that makes sense.
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grrrr.
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You guys are right. DH told me gave me a big hug this morning and told me that we have barely touched the past few days. He said that there's no point in having a family if we hate eachother. I think sometimes I get so caught up in doing the "right" thing and being a "good" parent. I definitely have put being a good wife way, way, way at the bottom of my list and that is not a good thing.
You've got 16 more years with your older kid to turn him into a fine upstanding citizen. You can take a little break from being perfect and everyone will still turn out great. Even more so if mom and dad are both functioning humans.
Just relax your standards and know it will get better soon. And try to get and give lots of hugs!
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I think you both need to take a deep breath, be gentle to one another, and pick your battles.
In our home, even before DD was born, we had talked to enough other parents to know that the first six weeks is survival mode. Just about anything goes - things that are usually a "no no" get a pass for a bit. We RARELY order take-out, watch tv, or let the house go un-dusted and vacuumed. But when we have a newborn, we relax a little bit. If we need to order pizza - yay. If we need to leave the dishes for one night to get an extra 30 minutes of sleep - yay. Oh well. It will pass - and once the house is sleeping better, you can pick back up the "rules". Your son isn't going to be ruined by an extra hour (or even two!) of tv while you adjust to having another baby.
Sleep is SOOOOO important for our mood and how our households function. Once your newborn is sleeping more regularly and you and DH are getting more sleep - then you can start worrying more about tv. For now, be nice to one another and try to be more understanding. Picking fights over trivial stuff won't help ANYONE - especially your kids.
Married 6/28/03
Kate ~ 7/3/09 *** Connor ~ 11/11/10
4 miscarriages: 2007, 2009, 2013, 2014
*~*~*~*~*
No more TTC for us. We are done, and at peace, as a family of 4.
"Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but – I hope – into a better shape.” — Charles Dickens