how to deal with a step parent issue..really annoyed...

katielee0127 · January 2012

Okay, I am close to being 9 weeks pregnant and told our family on Christmas. We just couldn't wait any longer, plus my dad had been talking babies for months, so I just couldn't keep it a secret any longer! He's sooo excited by the way... So here's a little background..

My mom and dad were divorced when I was 16, I am almost 25. My dad re-married about 3 or 4 years ago to my step mom. She has two kids, one girl who is 29 and one boy who is 21. Her daughter has a 3 year old little girl and a 2 month old little boy. So, in her eyes, my dad already has "grandchildren."

On Christmas night, after telling my family and my dad, we were all sitting around in the kitchen eating leftovers, I looked at my dad and said "well 2012 is just around the corner and you'll have your first grandbaby!" and he just looked at me and smiled nervously (she was sitting right beside him). As soon as it came out of my mouth, she chimed in with "no, he already has 2!, yours won't be the first." It took everything I had to not reach across the table and punch her. As excited as I was to tell him and excited as he was to find out, I feel as if she ruined my joy and rained on my parade a little. She's always been the jealous type and has always been jealous of us, or at least acts like it. I'm not jealous of her kids or grandkids, but I am a little frustrated that she's trying to ruin the excitement between my dad and I. I just don't think it's fair...because MY kids (and my sisters future kids) will be his ONLY real grandchildren...

Has anyone ever dealt with this? This may be very petty, but this is my first child and I was overcome with excitement when we found out, I guess I was just hoping for a little more. By the way..my dad is thrilled and couldn't be happier, he cried when I told him. I'm not disappointed by his reaction but I'm disappointed in how this pregnancy will go with her always talking about "their grandkids"...from HER daughter....

jworkman1980 · January 2012

Don't let anyone spoil your joy.......I know your dad is super excited. My dad was married before my mom and I have two half brothers from his first wife. One of them has had 3 kids so my mom is considered their "grandma". Ever since my husband and I got married almost 3 years ago my mom has been pestering me about grandkids. It's just not the same unless they are your own children having them. I am 5 weeks and my mom couldn't be happier. Please don't let your jealous stepmom rain on your parade

judahsmommy1 · January 2012

I understand it from both sides. I totally get what you're saying. Your and your dad are having a new experience for both of you and it sounds like your step mother is refusing to understand that. That is a giant pain in the butt. It would be great if she were more sensitive.

My mom's dad died when I was 5. My Dad's dad (well his step dad) never cared about me or my siblings. We weren't his "real" grandchildren. I have never met my Dad's biological dad... he abandoned my grandmother when my dad was a few years old. My mom's mom remarried when I was about 7 and he is (I suppose was, because he died a few years ago), my grandfather. He's the one that took me to ice cream (and told me not to tell my grandmother), he's the one who told me that his name is "Bert" like he was telling me a special secret. I "taught" him how to make a bologna and cheese sandwich and he referred to it as an "Amy sandwich" from that time on. His friends knew what an "Amy Sandwich" was when I went to visit him one summer. If anyone told me that he wasn't my "real" grandfather I would be tempted to punch them in their face.

So while I totally, completely, understand why you're so irritated at your dad's wife. And I think that the comment she made was inappropriate and rude, I also think it would be really great if you didn't invalidate your dad's relationship with his wife's biological grandchildren.

ovechkium · January 2012

I'm so sorry. That is horrible. I would have got really bitchy at that point if someone did that to me. I might have punched her.

ks3pink · January 2012

I can see her side. If anyone had implied to me that SIL's first child was MIL's first grandchils since my DD isn't biologically DH's I would have been pissed. He has raised her with me since she was 6 months old and his parents have always been involved too. That said I see your side too. She probably shouldn't have jumped like that in front of you but rather had your dad mention to you that it hurt her feelings.

EastCoastBride · January 2012

Um... hmmm. I don't doubt there are issues here, and I'll take you at your word that she's jealous.

But really, was it necessary to make that comment in front of her? It kind of strikes me like you were doing it on purpose.... drawing your own line in the sand.

I realize she's somewhat "new" in your life. But having grown up w/ a stepmother myself - the role she plays in my DS's life is amazing. AMAZING. He'll never get to meet my mom, so having my stepmom there to be his grandmother is more than I could ask for. She's talked numerous times about how she's amazed herself at how much she absolutely loves and cherishes my son.

And this just goes so much further. What makes a grandchild "real"?

SoEnamored · January 2012

I bet that your dad would never admit it to his wife but as much as he loves his step-grandchildren, your child is different to him in a way that is SO special. I mean, you're his daughter, this baby will carry his DNA, how could it not be different? I can't blame him for not admitting that to his wife though. And if she can't understand that then I wouldn't either try to convince her of it or let her have any of your joy. It is a secret you share with your dad.

hterry85 · January 2012

I get that you're annoyed, and I probably would be too. But put yourself in her daugthers place. How would you feel if your dad went around saying he was finally going to have his first grandchild?

DHs stepmom (who has been around since he was 5 months old) refuses to claim the kids as her grandkids. Imagine explaining to a 5 year old why they can't call her grandma.

mlf625 · January 2012

I think these issues go far deeper than this "issue". Honestly, I'd look at getting a little bit of help before you become a mother and bring your child into the situation. Don't get me wrong, it's a bummer that your dad's wife had to correct you like that - but she IS right and to me, your comment about his "first" grandbaby, said in front of her, was pretty passive aggressive.

KarmB · January 2012

no sorry. my stepparents are new to the family kind of about 5 years each but i consider them my blood. theyre my mom and dad and i would be devestated if that happened.

rels09 · January 2012

I agree that both of you handled this poorly. It wasn't nice of her to pounce on you like that when you're so excited, but by the same token, it was pretty rude of you to say that in front of her. Your comment clearly made your dad uncomfortable. I would take the high road and apologize to your SM, and say you were just speaking from excitement, coming from a place of knowing your dad had long been excited to see you become a parent.

stever · January 2012

I get having issues with step-parents, buy this is incredibly immature and spiteful.

katielee0127:
.because MY kids (and my sisters future kids) will be his ONLY real grandchildren...

JennDave+1 · January 2012

EastCoastBride:

Um... hmmm. I don't doubt there are issues here, and I'll take you at your word that she's jealous.

But really, was it necessary to make that comment in front of her? It kind of strikes me like you were doing it on purpose.... drawing your own line in the sand.

I realize she's somewhat "new" in your life. But having grown up w/ a stepmother myself - the role she plays in my DS's life is amazing. AMAZING. He'll never get to meet my mom, so having my stepmom there to be his grandmother is more than I could ask for. She's talked numerous times about how she's amazed herself at how much she absolutely loves and cherishes my son.

And this just goes so much further. What makes a grandchild "real"?

I would have to agree a bit here. Not sure why you had to say that when you probably knew what the reaction would be.

emoflamingo · January 2012

I can see why she said it and I can see why you're annoyed. His "step" grandkids are still his grandkids. My H's bio dad isn't in his life and his step dad is "grandpa". He never had kids of his own so my H and SIL are "his kids", even though he married my MIL when my H was in high school.

beckslea · January 2012

I'm sorry her reaction was a little over the top. But seriously when he married her, her kids and grand kids became his own, too. It sounds like you haven't acknowledged/accepted this or she wouldn't need to bring it up like that.

BakerMommy · January 2012

rels09:
I agree that both of you handled this poorly. It wasn't nice of her to pounce on you like that when you're so excited, but by the same token, it was pretty rude of you to say that in front of her. Your comment clearly made your dad uncomfortable. I would take the high road and apologize to your SM, and say you were just speaking from excitement, coming from a place of knowing your dad had long been excited to see you become a parent.

This is what I would say, only more erudite.

katielee0127 · January 2012

I gues I should have explained more about this woman before posting this comment. She has been married 6 times, treats my dad like SH!T and makes "his kids" seem like horrible people, compared to her lovely ones and always talking about us negatively in front of us, making my dad have to defend us. My comments to my dad was not out of spite or being rude, it was simply the truth. He has made comments to me before, a long time before I had gotten pregnant that Kristen's kids (my step sister) are only his "SO CALLED" grandchildren because of the marriage, that ours (mine and my sister) will be his own. It's really hard to explain her tempermant, her attitude and her personality on this site so I guess I shouldn't have posted, due to that. My family knows how she is and knows that SHE is the one who was being spiteful, after making her remark, she smirked. She knew it was going to get under my skin. When I told him he was going to have his first grandchild this year, it was out of love, excitement and honestly. I guess he does have "grandchildren" ..and I understand that and accept it. But the way she has always been, and the way she will always be, will never be acceptable to me. Sorry for you all who said that I was immature, but as I said, I should have never have posted this knowing that none of you know this woman like my family or I do. It's just a sore and difficult thing to understand.

Jujumom2012 · January 2012

I can totally understand what came out of your mouth and why. As a grown woman, I am sure you have not "bonded" with this woman or her children as you would if she came into your life if you were younger. Don't feel bad for saying "your first grandchild". It is easy to get caught up with one's self with such exciting news. I could see myself making the same whoopsie daisy mistake. And that is what it was.

Your step mother should understand this. It was wrong of her to blurt out what she did. She could have come to you later after your all of you rejoiced and let you know how it hurt her feelings. You would have been able to understand where she is coming from and it could have been "ironed out".

It could have made for a good step mother/step daughter moment in understanding each other and each other's feelings.

Congrats to you. Never live in the past, only make the future better.

katielee0127 · January 2012

I would also like to add that it's great that everyone's step parent or step grandparent is in your childrens life. However, this is not the case with my step mom. She gets mad at my dad for not "telling her that he is spending time with us"...and makes smart remarks about it if he does. She's always got something negative to say about us or my family, so I guess this is why I was irked so much about her comment. I almost knew it was coming, because I know how disrespectful and childish she is. If she wasn't so hateful to my dad and so rude toward me and my sister, her comment would not have bothered me, because I know his has "grandchildren"...just not any that came from his biological kids (blood grandchildren)

Jujumom2012 · January 2012

katielee0127:
I gues I should have explained more about this woman before posting this comment. She has been married 6 times, treats my dad like SH!T and makes "his kids" seem like horrible people, compared to her lovely ones and always talking about us negatively in front of us, making my dad have to defend us. My comments to my dad was not out of spite or being rude, it was simply the truth. He has made comments to me before, a long time before I had gotten pregnant that Kristen's kids (my step sister) are only his "SO CALLED" grandchildren because of the marriage, that ours (mine and my sister) will be his own. It's really hard to explain her tempermant, her attitude and her personality on this site so I guess I shouldn't have posted, due to that. My family knows how she is and knows that SHE is the one who was being spiteful, after making her remark, she smirked. She knew it was going to get under my skin. When I told him he was going to have his first grandchild this year, it was out of love, excitement and honestly. I guess he does have "grandchildren" ..and I understand that and accept it. But the way she has always been, and the way she will always be, will never be acceptable to me. Sorry for you all who said that I was immature, but as I said, I should have never have posted this knowing that none of you know this woman like my family or I do. It's just a sore and difficult thing to understand.

Don't let her define you, your family or this pregnancy!! Rejoice with your family. If she wants to rejoice with you then great. You can not make her. Don't let her ruin your special moments for you, you have that power. You will have so many upcoming incredible great moments. If you do not feel like she will support you and be happpy for you, then find time when you can spend with your dad to share your newly found joys in life. Be respectful of her, as she is your father's wife and step mother of your child, but she does not own your happiness!!!!

judahsmommy1 · January 2012

katielee0127:
I gues I should have explained more about this woman before posting this comment. She has been married 6 times, treats my dad like SH!T and makes "his kids" seem like horrible people, compared to her lovely ones and always talking about us negatively in front of us, making my dad have to defend us. My comments to my dad was not out of spite or being rude, it was simply the truth. He has made comments to me before, a long time before I had gotten pregnant that Kristen's kids (my step sister) are only his "SO CALLED" grandchildren because of the marriage, that ours (mine and my sister) will be his own. It's really hard to explain her tempermant, her attitude and her personality on this site so I guess I shouldn't have posted, due to that. My family knows how she is and knows that SHE is the one who was being spiteful, after making her remark, she smirked. She knew it was going to get under my skin. When I told him he was going to have his first grandchild this year, it was out of love, excitement and honestly. I guess he does have "grandchildren" ..and I understand that and accept it. But the way she has always been, and the way she will always be, will never be acceptable to me. Sorry for you all who said that I was immature, but as I said, I should have never have posted this knowing that none of you know this woman like my family or I do. It's just a sore and difficult thing to understand.

This does make sense. I'm sorry that she has been spiteful. Having been one of the "other" grandchildren though, I would really encourage you to not make those comments. If I had heard that as a child it would have been really hurtful. And while I understand the dynamic between you and this woman and I think your feelings are valid, the kids haven't done anything wrong... and they deserve a wonderful grandpa just like your kids do.

Tash13 · January 2012

I'm sorry that things are so tense in your family. I have step sisters who had children before I did. While my mother loves her grandchildren from her step-daughter, I also know that she was excited on a different level when I became pregnant with my DS and I'm assuming my stepdad felt differently when she had children. These lines are drawn in the sand even though we have been one big family for going on 20 years. Now, even though these feelings are there, we would never say them in front of one another. While your stepmom might not be a pleasant person, I think you should try to rise above it for you, your father and your baby. This is going to be your child's grandparents, no matter what the blood relationship is, and you wouldn't want anybody showing favoritism to any of them. Children pick up on that type of energy quickly and, whether it's to the other 2 kids or to your own, it's not a good environment to be around.

Neener73 · January 2012

katielee0127:

because MY kids (and my sisters future kids) will be his ONLY real grandchildren...

Would you be saying the same things if you or your sister experienced infertility and decided to adopt? DH and I are in the "unexplained infertility" category. We experienced multiple miscarriages and decided to pursue embryo adoption. I don't think I'd ever speak to my brother again if he told our two sets of parents (both of our parents are remarried) that his children are the ONLY real grandchildren because our little one isn't biologically related.

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