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Daddy issues.
I just need to get this out so I'll write it here.
When I was 8, my dad cheated on my mom with her best friend, left her, married the best friend, and they've now been married for like 25 years or something.
For a long time, I didn't have a lot of contact with my dad, particularly during high school. He was never mean to me, just absent. There was a year or so when he worked at the Whataburger across the highway from my house and never once called or came by to visit. When I got to college, I pretty much stalked him and demanded that he have a relationship with me. I would call him and invite him to lunch and he would go and things got a little better.
During this time, he was still paying child support arrearage that he didn't pay while I was in grade school. Something like $65k he owed my mom. My mom worked 2-3 jobs the entire time I was in middle school/high school to support us.
So, during college, my mom would get the child support checks and would keep $100 for herself and give me the remaining $500. Several times (maybe 10?) dad asked me for money. And I would give it to him, because it broke my heart that he would have to swallow his pride and ask. But, basically, I was giving him back the money that my mom was giving to me. And, his wife wasn't working through all of this. When I got to law school he was still doing this and my (future) DH told me to go to a counselor because it was inappropriate. I did, and she confirmed, and I told dad I couldn't send him money anymore. He stopped having to pay shortly thereafter because he got caught up and we never talked about it again.
So, now we have a very nice relationship. He loves my daughter. I see him a couple time a month and he actually calls me. A couple of years ago he had a massive heart attack and stroke and he has labored speech now.
His wife had a family- two kids and they have kids. The first grandson, A, was always around my dad. They are very close. A is always posting things on facebook about how my dad is his hero and if he can support his family half as well as my dad did then he'd be a happy man. Or, talking about the UT games they used to go to, or the great times they had as a family.
IT HURTS. Oh, it hurts so bad to read that. Because when dad was doing that with that family, he wasn't doing it with me. Not once. He wasn't calling me or asking me about my life. He was taking my calls to inappropriately ask me for money (there was a time when the only time he called was to ask for money).
It's different now, and I don't want to stir things up by talking to him about it, because what's the point? He did those things and it sucked and now he's very nice. But, I am so hurt to read those things that I am 32 and a lawyer and a mom and in a happy marriage and here I am crying as I type this in my office. He's 72 and he doesn't have a lot of time left with me, so I try to enjoy him for what he is as much as I can. But, it still hurts.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Daddy issues.
I need to add what really set me off today. Dad's grandson, A, posted on his FB that he wished he could help Dad out financially because Dad has always given everything he made to his family and he can't wait to return the favor.
KNIFE IN MY HEART.
Rarely Updated Blog
I'm sorry, that sucks.
Can you defriend him? If not, hide the feed. You can't keep going through that.
That just totally sucks
I agree with pps about hiding the feed. You shouldn't have to see that stuff.
This. I'm so sorry sweetie. I had a similar dynamic with my dad, but I cut him off. It was really hard when he died to hear from his new(er) wife and step-daughters how awesome he was to them when he was so shiitty to me. I don't really have other advice, you have to decide what you want to do about your relationship with him. But if it's still bothering you this much (which is valid) then it might be worth talking to him or another therapist about it.
Big hugs.
I'm sorry.
My mom up and left when I was 9 because she didn't want the responsibility of being a parent. I probably saw her 6 times between 9 and 23, and I haven't seen her in 12 years. She did remarry, but couldn't have any more children and he didn't have any. I do remember her talking about his nieces and nephews and making them clothes, dolls, etc. and how great those kids were, yet she didn't want to be around for her own children (we were similar ages). I can't imagine if I had to see that on facebook every day. I'd hide the feed unless you've got another reason not to.
On the brights side, at least you and your dad are reconciled now. I attempted to reconcile when DD was born; my mom wasn't even at my wedding or even knew that I was pregnant. I had cut her off completely, and did it again after we reconnected for a multitude of reasons. It's not an easy situation at all, and my heart goes out to you. Just because you're in your 30s doesn't make your childhood hurt any less. Hugs to you.
another vote for hiding.
love you, friend
That really sucks
((hugs))
Beautiful!
First of all, I'm SO sorry. That really sucks. My husband had a similar (almost identical, minus the reconciliation as adults) experience with his bio Dad, and I've wathed how much it hurts someone.
You really need to hide that feed. Don't put yourself through that. You can't change the past, but you can try to enjoy the the time you and your daughter have to spend with him now. Your daughter is SO lucky. She gets to know the good side of your father, and it sounds like she has an amazing father of her own. You've built yourself an amazing life, so let that make you smile.
Are you still in therapy? This definitely sounds like something they could help you work through.
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((Hugs))
I'm sorry you're hurting (and have been for so long.)
this. *big hugs to you*
Oh girl, I am so sorry. I can't imagine the hurt you are going through and I'm so sad that you have to go through it. I agree with everyone, you should hide the feed. I totally understand the curiousity, but seeing his comments is only making you hurt more.
Lots of hugs to you!
Oh, honey. Hide thatshit. NOW. If you don't, I'll hack into your FB (I know people!) and do it for you.
I'm sorry you're feeling sad. You're right - at this point, all you can do is enjoy the relationship and time you currently have with your dad. And you can look at G and thank your lucky stars you found a good, good man who cherishes you and puts you first and is making up for all the crap you had to go through with the primary male figure in your early life. Because G is awesome, and you are blessed. Smooches.
(read it. you know you want to.)
anderson . september 2008
vivian . february 2010
mabel . august 2012
All of this. I'm so sorry.
*hugs*
Yes.
Unfortunately, I can relate, too. I'm sorry and I know it hurts.
I'd definitely hide them.
(I also agree with pp's that you should hide the posts on FB.)
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