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nothing i can do, i just feel bad...

JKBUHLERJKBUHLER
in Blended Families
So this is a small vent...we get to see my bonus daughter one weekend a month holidays summer vacating, extra... any way this has been going on for about 2 years sine her BM hide her from my hubby until we finally took her to court where she bold faced lied to the judge about everything *I'll save that story for another day. Anywho my SD calls me mommy, has from day 1 be because that's what our kids call me. I told her before that she did not have to call me mommy but she said she wanted to because she likes to. Anywho BM got married about a year ago to a longtime "roommate " of hers. Up until that point she called said roommate "uncle such and such" soon after she started calling him daddy which would have been fine if her BM didn't start referring to my hubby as "daddy first name" and her new hubby as just daddy. That's not even what bothers me. My SD flat out told me she only calls her stepdad daddy because her mom "makes" her. She never calls her stepfather dad when she's with us and when I slipped and said "your mom and dad" one day. She made sure to let me know her stepdad was NOT her dad. I just feel bad that she's being forced to call her stepdad daddy. She specifically told me she liked stepdad but only wants to call her real dad daddy, but she's afraid she'll get in trouble if she calls stepdad by his name since her NM corrects her when she calls him by his first name and also corrects her if she calls my hubby just daddy instead of "daddy first name" I know there's nothing that can be done about it, I just feel bad for her.
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Re: nothing i can do, i just feel bad...

  • Holly_1007Holly_1007 member
    ugh, that sucks! how old is SD? perhaps she needs to sit down and have a conversation with BM, when she is ready. I think the best thing you can do is maybe sit down and have a pep talk with SD and tell her that she needs to express to her mom how she feels.  that she doesn't want to hurt anyones feelings, but she wants to feel comfortable with what she calls people.  does BM have other kids with this guy? it makes sense she calls you mommy since everyone in your house calls you mommy, but does BM call him daddy? why should SD have to call him daddy, ya know?
                           
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  • JKBUHLERJKBUHLER
    SD turns 6 on Feb. 1st and I doubt she can just talk to her mom about it. Her mom doesn't really do things unless it makes her or her family happy. She actually whent as far as to try and get my hubby's rights taken away by lying and saying he was violent and dangerous even though he has the gentlest heart of any man I know. Basically she blamed her attitude on her mother but she's a known habitual liar. Stepdad doesn't have a child of his own yet so there's not anyone else calling him dad. He seems like a nice Guy, easy to walk all over sort of Guy so I'm sure she calls all the shots in their home anyway. We stay civil and friendly with bm and her husband at all times and never say anything bad about them in front of SD but her bm is not the most "honorable " type of person. She works with us at times but more often we just don't communicate as much as we'd like.u
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  • kali55kali55 member

    It sounds like BM is hurt that SD calls you Mommy, and is maybe feeling threatened by your family situation.  Her behavior is not that of a woman who is feeling confident and secure.

    Since you can't control what goes on in BMs house, you can keep doing what you've been doing and being there to allow SD a comfortable and safe place to talk about how she is feeling.



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  • JKBUHLERJKBUHLER
    I just don't know. BM tried to have SD call her now syepdad daddy before the got married but my hubby put his foot down at that because a live in boyfriend shouldn't be called dad. Anyway a couple of days after that talk bm was engaged and they married within a couple months. It was all very sudden.
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  • AmberMH08AmberMH08

    my real dad was never in my life...and my step dad came around when i was 8... my mom tried to make me call him daddy and got really mad when i didnt...she would always say hes the one whos raising you the one your around all the time... well i never liked it  and now i call him by his first name but we are still close...but it wasnt until i was maybe 15 or so that my mom finally got the picture i wasnt ever gonna call him dad and she could get over it...

    good luck no point in getting mad about it much its really something that SD and her BM will have to work out eventually between themselves...

    my SD also does this she is 8 and so we leave it up to her what she wants to call us all...it is heartbreaking to see your child call some1 else mommy or daddy but sometimes they feel closer to that person if they are with them more...

    It will all work itself out it will probably just take a while

     

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  • FutureMrsWittigFutureMrsWittig member
    Have you told your bonus daughter that "Mommy is just trying to keep everyone straight", just to kind of "reframe" things for her?  Just so she doesn't feel like her mom is just being mean (even if that's exactly what she's doing).
    Mama of 2: one who grew in my womb, both who grow in my heart.
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  • JKBUHLERJKBUHLER
    Honestly I was a bit uncomfortable and just said I was sorry she felt the way she does and maybe one day she could let her mom know it bothers her. I let her know we all love her and want her to be happy.
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  • PrettyInPearls23PrettyInPearls23 member

    Completely off-topic, but is your last name Buhler? That was my maiden name and it's not common, so I was just curious Smile

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  • JKBUHLERJKBUHLER
    Lol yup that's my last name. I'm pretty proud of it!
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  • PrettyInPearls23PrettyInPearls23 member

    imageJKBUHLER:
    Lol yup that's my last name. I'm pretty proud of it!

    That's awesome. I kept my married name after my divorce to have the same last name as DS (and ironically it'll only be changing by 3 letters when I get remarried next year)...but I sometimes miss my maiden name.

    We were all the way in London and the guy at Customs asked my mom if she had a son named Ferris...lol.

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  • JKBUHLERJKBUHLER
    Yeah I get the "Buhler...Buhler ...Buhler " line all the time and jokes got bad when people found out I was pregnant with my son lol
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  • IlumineIlumine member

    Honestly, since you all allowed her to call you a Mom/Mommy/Mother type name, YOU opened this situation up. 

    While she may or may not feel as strongly towards her SF as she does you*, she is 6 and you all are the adults in the situation. YOU may not have forced her to call you this name, but by not ACTIVELY and CONSITANTLY correcting her - it is pretty much the same thing.

    As much as you dont like it, you really cannot say anything unless you are ready to revoke your title.

    *As for her calling YOU mom...calling you mom because everyone else did/does IS NOT the same as calling you mom because she loves you as much as her mother. 

    And given she was 4 at the time she started calling you Mom AND because while you may TELL HER that she doesnt have to, she may FEEL like she does.  Imposed pressures on ourselves can be stronger than the ones others impose on us.

    She may be saying the very same thing to her mother...that she doesnt really want to but feels like she must.  And because she is 6 it is hard to really know. 

    My suggestion, if you really want to move forward, is to take her to therapy to work it out.

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  • JKBUHLERJKBUHLER
    So are you basically saying since I did not tell her not to call me mom because I am not in fact her mother, I am in the wrong also? I'm sorry, but I sat her down and explained she did not have to call me mom at all and my husband referred to me by my first name with her and she chose to call me mom after going between that and my first name. It just seems cold hearted to correct her and say she shouldn't call me mom if I wasn't her BM. As far as I'm concerned I treat her just like my two children and she sees that. What I was "venting" about was that she wasn't given that choice with her other stepparent and that made me feel bad for her. I love her like sees my own, but I have zero say in how she is brought up when she is away. Its difficult knowing one of your children is hurting and there's nothing you can for her/about it because "it isn't my place". I have a stepdad who raised me for the most part and I call him by his first name and I have a way better relationship with him than my BD. I got to choose what to call him. And also I know my step will probably never love me like she does her bm, there's a special bond between a mother and daughter and its almost impossible to break. I never had the intention to steel my stepdaughter away from her mother, it may sound bad but I already have NY own daughter that I don't have to "share" I just don't like that my bonus daughter is upset and I can't help.
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  • icesprincessicesprincess member

    My SS turns 6 Feb 3rd!!!

     

    Yea every boyfriend was Daddy to him and because my DH is active duty and couldn't visit as often as he liked he got SO confused. He refuses to call his mom's new-ish husband Dad and he calls me DH Daddy and is really excited about it. Maybe your DH should talk to her and let her know your SD is upset. 

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