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June 2012 Moms
DomesticDiva0429
member
I need to learn how to forgive myself..kinda long
DomesticDiva0429
member
I don't quite know where to start with this but to make a long story short when I was pregnat with DS my midwife told me 1) that taking ibuprofen up to 1200 mg a day was perfectly fine 2) that having 10-15 contractions in an hour was also perfectly okay and I just believed her. I didn't have much of an internet obsession like I do now so I just took her word for it and I have never forgiven myself for asking someone else. Honestly, I just though well if I can buy the meds OTC it must be okay and if the contractions aren't painful it also must be okay. Well, long story short as most but not all of us know ibuprofen is NOT okay and 4 contractions in and hour is also NOT okay. Actually, ibuprofen can cause a premature closer of the PDA in fetal development which is a huge problem in utero.
Last night, I took some Sudafed thinking I would dry up this sneezy, runny nose and completely forgot my chem 1 and Anatomy 1 class about how dangerous decongestants are when you have HP ( which I am lucky enough to have ). My BP went sky high and then I got an increadiable headache. Then I had a panic attack ( thank you PTSD) thinking about how I could have hurt my baby girl because I took a stupid Sudafed and all the bad things that could have happened but didn't. It took me 6 hours to calm myself down.
I called the doctor about my crazy headache and he called me in a refil on my Fioricet which led to me breaking down on the phone. I hate taking all these meds while pregnant Aldomet for HP, Fioricet for these freaky migraines that raise my BP, Prenatal vit ( but those I feel different about). I feel like I am already failing my little girl. All I want is to be pregnant and stay pregnant and deliver a fat chunky healthy baby girl. I don't know what I am doing that is so wrong or what I did in life that is punishing my babies. They don't deserve this..I might but they don't.
The guilt I carry for DS coming early and every single mistake I make with this new baby is killing me. I question every thing I do, every move I make, every decision I make. I feel bad that I have to lay in bed because my head hurts so much instead of playing with my DS while it is still just him and me. I feel bad that DH can't just have a wife that has no problems..I just feel like I am the biggest screw up ever..
IDK..I just need to vent..DH knows I am a mess and I don't want him to worry about me because he has to go OOT for the next few day. I try to stay strong but these last few days I have completely fallen apart. TIA for listening if you made it this far...
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Re: I need to learn how to forgive myself..kinda long
I don't know what to say..... Just take a deep breath, trust that your new doctor is doing what is right. And forgive yourself and your body for whatever guilt you are carrying.
You are being the BEST mommy you can be right now.
I'm SO sorry you are feeling so sh!tty. Migraines are the worst and I can't imagine having them constantly while pregnant.
It sounds like you are struggling a lot with your last pregnancy. Does DS have lasting effects from coming so early? Were you told that taking ibuprofen contributed to him coming early? It sounds like you are putting ALL of the blame on yourself and you should work to tell yourself that everything happens for a reason and also, that sh!t happens.
I'm glad you have this forum to get out all of your feelings, but it seems like maybe talking to a counselor might ease your mind and help talk your way through these dark feelings.
((hugs)) and I hope you are feeling better soon.
No DS does not have any lasting affects from being born early and I am SO thankful but it was not an easy road. He spent 10 weeks in the NICU so ya know...and if you don't count yourself lucky.
Yes, we were told many things "could" have contributed to his early arrival but the meds might have had more to do with it besides the fact that I exhibited PTL symptoms at 16 weeks but my midwife blew me off. She was pregnant with her first and spent most of my appointments taking about her pregnancy. When I was rushed to L&D and saw a doctor they couldn't believe that she didn't notify them of the fact I was having constant contractions. Instead she just noted it in my chart but I blame myself for not raising more of a stink about it or researching it..I had one job. To bring a healthy baby in to this world and I failed horribly..I failed to protect him when he needed me the most.
I have a therapy appointment this week and honestly, I can't wait to go. I need to learn some coping mechanisms ASAP. Your right this is a very dark place I need some real help ( besides venting) to see the light again..Thank you very much for your advice. I need to hear it..That is exactly what I would tell a friend or my sister..
Make a pregnancy ticker
You're so welcome. I know it feels wonderful to have any kind of response to whatever negative thoughts we have. I'm glad you have an appointment this week. I'm a firm believer in talking things out.
So much so that I've thought of going back to school for counseling or something of the like...
And the title of your post is correct. You do need to forgive yourself. Your midwife is the one that made the mistake, not you. I hope you can forgive yourself soon. I wish you a very happy and healthy rest of your pregnancy.
xoxo
Sometimes I feel like the only thing I did for the first 29 years of my life was make mistakes. I struggle with forgiving myself because I truly have not been a good person in the past. Thankfully I got myself together before deciding to become a mother, and while I am so thankful that my bad lifestyle decisions won't affect my children, they have affected literally every other relationship in my life. Many of those relationships I no longer have at all because frankly they just couldn't put up with my craziness.
Anyway, if I couldn't have found a way to forgive myself then I have no doubt that my life would've eventually ended in suicide. Honestly, I did go through a lot of counseling, but the thing that helped me the most was putting faith in a higher power. Now, I'm not suggesting that is what you do because I 100% do not feel it is my place to push any of my views on you, but my point is that you have to find a way to forgive yourself for these things you hold yourself responsible for. I can't tell you what the best method of doing that will be for you, but I encourage you to seek answers until you find them.
Good luck to you...and if you ever need to feel better about yourself feel free to PM me and I'll tell you stories that will make you feel like Mother Teresa.
I also struggle with migraines and pre-term labor with all my pregnancies. With my 1st DS who was born at 32 wks and in the NICU for 4 weeks I struggled with huge guilt of what I did wrong and how I caused him to be in such pain. What's worse is they have no explanation for it so that does get you to thinking about all the medications you took to either stop your migraines or to stop labor. BUT once I realized that my son is well and healthy now and my 2nd and 3rd sons are just as great that babies are actually very resilient and strong and the biggest thing is they have no recollection of anything.
It is obvious that you care very much and that you wouldn't intentionally hurt your baby and have faith that you are doing your best!
I understand that feeling of powerlessness, of feeling like everything is your fault, and that since you can't control the crazy world we live in all you can do is control yourself and when that results in something that isn't quite perfect it feels like the world is going to end because it's all your fault. I understand the internalizing of everything that is going on, and with all that weight on your soul going to some very dark places. I don't have kids yet, but I do know that everything happens for a reason, we just don't know it yet. And all of the dark places I have been have helped me become a stronger person. I can better recognize when I am going down a dark path, when to ask for help, and when to let go.
I think you are doing the right thing by seeking help, and by opening up about what is going on. If you hold everything inside no one knows what you need or how to help. We can't do much on this board, other than listen, and offer our love, support and encouragement. The fact that you care this much about DS1 and about this new baby shows how dedicated you are and these wonderful children are lucky to have someone that cares as much as you do.
We are always here for you.