please help. how to keep ds in line?

mlf625 · January 2012

You guys, it's been straight up awful with DS lately. Sad I'm about to start crying (AGAIN) just writing this, but I need help. He doesn't listen. Nothing works anymore - counting to 3, time outs, loss of privileges - he just doesn't care. In desperation to get through to him I've yelled, and now he yells at ME when he's frustrated. Last night he snuck out of his room while I was in the bath, got a bag of chocolate chips, and threw them all over his room. THEN took some into DD's room and threw them at her, waking her up. This morning he woke up at 7am, and before I could even get upstairs he'd ran to DD's room and banged her door open, so they she was up and crabby (she normally sleeps at least an hour past that time.) And THEN I see he peed on her floor. I have no idea why the hell he'd do that. He's totally potty trained. UGH. (btw, he has a gate at his door, but he's able to easily climb over it.) Then he was having a fit about getting into the car because he didn't want to go where we were going, and he kicked me in the face. Inadvertently, I know, but still. I lost it and started sobbing, and cried halfway to the gym. Both the kids sat in the backseat totally silent - talk about a dysfunctional start to the day. He's been getting in trouble at the gym daycare for pretty little things - not leaving his shoes on, not using "walking feet", etc. - so it's not just with me. But it's become almost embarrassing because I think he's getting a bad rep there. Sad He can be the sweetest little kid ever ... but lately he's just so, so unmanageable and I feel like the worst mom ever.

I hate putting this out there, I feel like such a failure with him .... but I need help and I know you girls will probably have the best help to offer. Did any of you go through this with your 3 y/o? What helped?

libbyann · January 2012

I have no advice on the behavior thing - I'm so sorry and that sounds incredibly frustrating! But for him sneaking out of his room, could you take off his door handle, put it on backwards and lock him in his room? I'd be worried what he could do while you guys were asleep that could put him in danger.

Hang in there - you have not failed with him! You're a great mom [[[hugs]]]

mlf625 · January 2012

libbyann:
I have no advice on the behavior thing - I'm so sorry and that sounds incredibly frustrating! But for him sneaking out of his room, could you take off his door handle, put it on backwards and lock him in his room? I'd be worried what he could do while you guys were asleep that could put him in danger.
Hang in there - you have not failed with him! You're a great mom [[[hugs]]]

Thanks, Libby. We've got another gate before the stairs - so when he jumps out of his room he only has access to the play room and his sister's room (GAH). So at least he's safely on the kid-safe level. EXCEPT last night, I'd left the stair gate open while I was bathing so that if he got up, he'd come down to me and not go wake up his sister instead. FAIL.

I hate to do anything involving keeping his door shut, because he's really afraid of monsters at the moment and likes the door open so he can see out.

A&Jmom · January 2012

We never had these problems with DD, but we have had our struggles over the years! You're not a failure, don't beat yourself up for yelling, I've been there many times. We are human and while of course we all wish we had handled it better afterwards, sometimes we just lose it. (at least I do) So, you're not alone! ((hugs))

A was particularly a handful (ha, well she has always been a handful) at 3. One thing we did at this age was start a sticker chart. She decided what she wanted the grand prize for getting how ever many stickers we were going for was going to be. (I think we did 10 to start). Then we divided the days into 2 possible stickers- before nap and after nap. If she could go until nap time without getting a time-out then she got a sticker, same thing for nap-bedtime. She wasn't a perfect angel all the time once we started it, but it did help.

Good luck!

*eta-(oh, and just to be clear, I'm using my daughter as an anecdotal example here- the sticker chart has not a scientifically researched

bluestreet · January 2012

Don't feel like a failure! This is so very common! With time outs, have you followed the 1-2-3 Magic system to the letter? Because it sounds like your little peanut is getting a lot of mileage out of manipulating your emotions, which is irresistible for a relatively powerless 3-year-old. I think the most important, although challenging, objective is to not let him see how what he's doing upsets you.

bluestreet · January 2012

I would also "set up" scenarios where you can easily take away privileges. For example, take him somewhere he wants to go and when he starts acting up, count slowly to 3, warning him that he will have to leave if he doesn't obey by 3, and then scoop his a$$ up out of there and leave. If you say to yourself that the next 3 weeks are about training your DS, it might be less awful. And rewards when he is compliant. My 4-year-old has been pretty difficult, but the 1-2-3 system has been effective, provided I stick with it and don't give up.GL!

ali-1411 · January 2012

I don't really have any advice, Jakob has always been a challenging kid and we've never found that magical method to fix his behavior. One thing will work for awhile but then it won't anymore, and we have to think up something new. But you're not alone, its so common and kids can be awful sometimes.

Just try to stay above it all and don't get upset. Don't take it personal, he's not doing this for any reason that's your fault. He's just a 3 yr old boy. This is what they do. ((hugs))

ali-1411 · January 2012

A&Jmom:
*eta-(oh, and just to be clear, I'm using my daughter as an anecdotal example here- the sticker chart has not a scientifically researched

::snicker::

AmethystBride · January 2012

Big **hugs**. Ever since Griff turned 3, it's been a struggle to keep him in check. He has great days and he has downright awful days, but the thing that helped us out the most was a chore chart. I went to Target and bought a dry erase board chart that came with a sheet of little magnetic stars. We gave him a list of daily "chores" like going potty, following directions, sharing, napping, etc. Everytime he does one of his chores, he gets a star. Everytime he doesn't, he either doesn't get a star, or if he does something super naughty, he gets a star removed. At the end of the week, if he gets so many stars, he gets a "special treat"--that could be a new action figure, going out for ice cream, going somewhere he really wants to go, whatever is reasonable. He's not a perfect angel, but the chart has helped tremendously. This is such a rough age--I feel your pain!

brideonjuly8 · January 2012

Please don't feel like you're alone, I'm right there with you. We are having a very challenging time getting DS to listen too, and it's making me want to pull my hair out.

As far as coming out of his room, I don't know what I would do with doorknob covers. I get him when I'm ready in the morning (not very long after he's up usually) so I highly recommend them! And if they won't work for your doors, I would just take it off and leave the outside on.

When NOTHING is working with him (TO, no more of __) I just shut him in his room for a while. There are no toys or books, just him and his thoughts. Maybe try that?

I always try to also convey how sad it makes me when he doesn't listen, hits, kicks, etc.

I'm sorry. Three SUCKS.

mlf625 · January 2012

Thank you so, so much for the advice and words of encouragement and hugs. It just helps to know I'm not the only one.

I just ordered the 1, 2, 3 Magic book. A chart might be a good idea, too.

I love you girls.

jml5q · January 2012

i don't have any other advice, just wanted to tell you you're not along and you're certainly not a failure. DD just turned 3 and some of the things your DS does sounds just like her. The yelling, the kicking (on purpose!), the just absolutely not listening to anything we say.

I think the chart is a great idea. We used a chart successfully when we were trying to keep her from leaving her room in the middle of the night. I think we might need to bring that back as well!

hang in there!

rssnlvr · January 2012

If you don't want to shut/lock the door on him b/c of his fear of monsters, but you want a way to keep him in his room, what about converting his door to a dutch door (top and bottom half open separately)? That way you can leave the top half open for him, but the bottom half is actually keeping him contained?

mlf625 · January 2012

rssnlvr:
If you don't want to shut/lock the door on him b/c of his fear of monsters, but you want a way to keep him in his room, what about converting his door to a dutch door (top and bottom half open separately)? That way you can leave the top half open for him, but the bottom half is actually keeping him contained?

That might be pure genius. We tried the handle covers, he outsmarted those the first night. I'm going to mention this to DH tonight. I think it's that or a super tall gate. As I'm calming down, I realize a lot of my frustration is coming from the room-escaping behavior AND time outs would probably be more effective if they didn't turn into a battle to keep him in his damn room (which = more attention, which obviously is counterproductive).

PrincessBrideSarah · January 2012

With regards to keeping your DD from being awakened--Can you close her door and put a doorknob cover on it so DS can't get in to her?

For DS, could you put a second gate on top of the first so almost the whole door is blocked by a gate? I saw this done on a show about multiples where the kids were boosting each other over the gate.

MrsShackleford · January 2012

We stack those tension gates in our doorway to keep the cats out while we are sleeping. We need the door open to keep the room at a comfortable temperature and this was the easiest, cheapest solution.

rssnlvr · January 2012

MrsRosie:
mlf625:

rssnlvr:
If you don't want to shut/lock the door on him b/c of his fear of monsters, but you want a way to keep him in his room, what about converting his door to a dutch door (top and bottom half open separately)? That way you can leave the top half open for him, but the bottom half is actually keeping him contained?

That might be pure genius. We tried the handle covers, he outsmarted those the first night. I'm going to mention this to DH tonight. I think it's that or a super tall gate. As I'm calming down, I realize a lot of my frustration is coming from the room-escaping behavior AND time outs would probably be more effective if they didn't turn into a battle to keep him in his damn room (which = more attention, which obviously is counterproductive).

I want partial genius credit. Just sayin. Rssn gets it all the time anyway.

Agreed, I think Rosie gets partial credit. I mean, really, I usually just think in my head, "WWRD?" and thus my genius is inspired.

mlf625 · January 2012

MrsRosie:

I want partial genius credit. Just sayin. Rssn gets it all the time anyway.

Consider yourself credited.

Stacking the gates might work, too. We've got to keep his crazyass in there.

mlf625 · January 2012

PrincessBrideSarah:
With regards to keeping your DD from being awakened--Can you close her door and put a doorknob cover on it so DS can't get in to her?
For DS, could you put a second gate on top of the first so almost the whole door is blocked by a gate? I saw this done on a show about multiples where the kids were boosting each other over the gate.

You also get some genius credit. Stacking the gates is another great idea. I love you girls.

I wish the knob cover on DD's door would work, but he has yet to meet one he can't outsmart.

mlf625 · January 2012

MrsRosie:

LOL! How about you get credit for the bottom half of the door and I get credit for the top. mlf, please engrave our names somewhere on the new door pieces for posterity. Mkay, thanks.

I'll just give Anderson a Sharpie. He'll memorialize the SHITT out of that door.

ec3under4 · January 2012

Since your daughter is younger and I'm assuming doesn't come out of her room, have you thought about locking her door so that ds can't get in to wake her up? We have doorknobs that have little keys with them so if we needed to, we could just lock the door and then use the key when we need to get in. Just an idea. Honestly, I think the most frustrating thing for me would be waking dd up!!

HSartteach · January 2012

I was going to suggest a taller gate. We have one for the stairs...it's at least 30" tall.

GL

SarahPLiz · January 2012

I don't have a 3yo, so I don't have specific advice. However, the advice to actually lock a bedroom door just throws off a fire safety alarm in my head. In case of fire or other emergency i'm sure you'd want him to be able to get out of his room, and you won't want to be fumbling with keys in a potentially hot door knob to save your dd.

kpowersw · January 2012

MrsShackleford:

We stack those tension gates in our doorway to keep the cats out while we are sleeping. We need the door open to keep the room at a comfortable temperature and this was the easiest, cheapest solution.

We do this too...have two tension gates one above the other. And our 3 year old is infuriating as was our almost 5 year old was when he turned 3. Our older guy is a LOT easier to handle now as he seems to have a better ability to connect the "if I do X I'm not going to get Y".

amyinaustin · January 2012

showing up late to the party!

I agree w/ everyone. 3 is HARD and it is one of those dirty little secrets that no one really tells you about. You always hear about the terrible 2's...

We were having a really rough time w/ DD a few months back. TO was not working anymore (she'd laugh and escape out of it). 1-2-3 is working a little better for us, as is putting her in her room. Thankfully for us, DD has NOT figured out the door knob covers yet (I did not know they could figure those out!) so while she does not have one on her door, the threat of putting one back on her door is bad enough for her. Also, the sticker chart has been great. I only use ours for good behavior and it's for a bunch of things. If she gets in her car seat fast one day I'll gush about how proud I am and how she needs a sticker for that. If she does a potty trip all alone (and wipes/flushes/washes hands alone) she gets one. Once she gets 10, she gets to pick from a reward jar that has all kind of cheapie plastic toys or events written on paper (happy meal at McD's, pedicure) or tattoos, etc. This has worked really well for us so far.

I know how frustrating it is and how it can really make you question your sanity - but trust me, it's all about finding the thing that will work for you guys and once you find it, you'll get back into a good groove. GL!

userdeleted · January 2012

Ugh. Honey. You are NOT alone. I haven't read through every post but it looks like you've gotten good advice. So instead of being helpful I'll just commiserate.

Within the past month I've had at least three major meltdowns (not counting the medium to high level stress days that seem to take up about 75% of my calendar). I'm talking totally sobbing, feeling like the kids were out of control and would never get better, I'm a horrible mother, why am I doing this to myself again, etc etc. Honestly, thank you for starting this thread so that we can all see that it's not us.This is stage. This is a stage. This is a stage. This too shall pass (right?).

Let me repeat:

It's NOT US ladies. It's THEM. Stick out tongue

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please help. how to keep ds in line?

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