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Austin Babies
Sinafey
member
S/O Chore charts: SAHM's, do you get any help?
Sinafey
member
This discussion has been closed.
Re: S/O Chore charts: SAHM's, do you get any help?
Ehhh I'm somewhere between options #2 and #3. I do have it really good. DH works 7 to 3:30 so he's home at 3:40 every day. That's just twenty minutes after Jakob gets off the bus, its just me and Layna all day. And she's a pretty easy-going kid.
DH does all the cooking and I probably do 80% of the cleaning. He helps straighten up the living room and kitchen, the rest is mine. We do grocery shopping together on weekends and trade off with Layna's bath and bedtime. I probably do more with the kids but honestly, I'm better at it. I WFM 24 hours a week and he has the kids on his own then.
I'm trying really hard to appreciate how good I have it because I do nag him quite a bit to do more. The grass is always greener, you know?
ETA: He definitely doesn't think that my job is solely as a mom, everything else is extra. He thinks that I should be able to do everything in the house and keep Layna happy. Which I totally could do but that's a lot of work. I'm a slacker
I am also in between 2 and 3 (well, before studython 2012 hit). In the past, DH would take over w/ the kids as soon as he walked in the door from work (getting them upstairs or outside so I could get dinner on the table). After dinner, he would do bath/bed.
Laundry- I wash/fold, he puts it away.
Shopping- I do all groceries and I *do* clothes shop for him, but not by his request. I just pick up things when I'm out. If he needs something specific, he does it.
Bills- me
Now that DH is studying, M-F and Sunday, I have the boys through bedtime with the exception of about 30 minutes when DH gets home from work. He'll take them out for a bike ride or a quick run. Dinner clean up is all me, bath/bed is me. I have not (and will not) put laundry away. It's my least favorite.
I voted 2, but I'm also between 2 and 3 especially now that I'm so far along with Butterbean. But before getting PG again here's what DH did:
Entertained Luke while I cooked (if I needed it).
Bath OR bedtime (whichever Luke chose)
50/50 care of Luke after work and on the weekends
Lawn maintenance
Car maintenance (everything short of filling up the cars with gas)
Puts his clothes away after I wash & fold
The occasional load of laundry or other chore, if it had been a rough week for me
Now he does more and I anticipate he'll continue to until we get past the NB stage with Butterbean.
IMO, as a SAHM I do need to do the bulk of the house work. But that doesn't excuse DH from helping out when I need it or parenting Luke 50% of the time when he's home. Even at a "real" job sometimes your co-workers need you to pick up the slack. Same thing goes at home.
Good luck with your talk. We've all had to have them at some point in time!
I was definitely a SS-SAHM because I did work outside the home 4 hours in the early morning, and DH stayed home with Cam during that time. They were awake for maybe 2 hours of my work time, then I would be home by 10am, DH would go to work and he wouldn't get home until long after we were in bed. So, I HAD to do everything.. and that was okay. I didn't mind doing everything at that point because DH was barely ever home, so I think it was just what had to be done. DH's only responsibility around the house/with DD during that year+ arrangement was to feed her breakfast and keep her in a clean diaper til I got home. It was a good day if he got her dressed before I got home.
Now, if he had been around in the evenings, I think I would have expected some dinner and clean up and bedtime help. Who knows how that would have worked out.
He definitely didn't think my job as a (mostly)SAHM was solely to be a mom.. the expectation that I do the majority of the housework was there -- but again, that may have been due to the fact that he wasn't home and couldn't help (unless he cleaned the house in the middle of the night).
The O'Baby Blog
The best solution I've found so far, both as a SAHM and WOHM, is that DH is responsible for the dishes and post-dinner clean up. It's a clearly defined task, unlike "tidying." And now that our nephew lives with us, they divide it. It makes a huge difference, both in terms of what I have to be in charge of, and my resentment levels.
To argue your position, you could make an excel sheet with all of the chores/errands that need to be done and the amount of time each takes. When he gets home, y'all can eat dinner, divide who gets your LO ready for bed, does dishes, light tidying, and then stop working at the same time. Then you can both relax for the remainder of the evening and not resent each other. At least, this is what I'm shooting for.
I tell DH that when the house is a dump, I'm cranky and resentful and don't want to have sex. And when I'm responsible for the house, I'm cranky and resentful and don't want to have sex. When he helps out a lot, I'm happier and feel like a team, and I want to have sex. I hate to barter sex, but it's just the truth.
FWIW, I haven't found the SAHM/WOHM distinction to be important in terms of household chores. It was just as frustrating either way. The gendering of chores runs deep.
I'm also somewhere between 2 and 3 for most of the year. MY DHs busy season at work is August-Nov or Dec so during those months, his help around the house is very, very minimal--he works 7 days/wk and M-F are 18+ hr days and Sat/Sun are 8 hr days, so he's home very little those months.
During his normal time, he helps around the house a little and definitely parents 50% when he is home.
During his light time, he does quite a bit more around the house and also parents 50% (or more!).
Sometimes I have complaints--I wish I never did dinner dishes since I cook 95% of the time, but overall I have it pretty good.
My husband does a lot!
Here's what he does on a regular basis:
- clean the kitchen
- clean the bathrooms
- wash his own laundry
- bathe the kids & put Molly to bed
- prepares their lunches and bags for MDO the night before
- house maintenance (i.e. repairs, yard, change fliters, etc.)
- car maintenance
- gets up with Molly if she wakes up in the middle of the night
- gets up with Ben in the morning and feeds him breakfast
- does kids' and communal laundry (i.e. towels, sheets, etc.) frequently
- takes out the garbage
He's freaking awesome!!!
Here is what DH was responsible for before I started working from home:
-bathe DS at night (if he got home in time)
- wash his dinner tray
- take out the trash when needed
- change oil in the cars
- the lawn
- his laundry
The only things he did on a regular basis was bathe the kiddo and his laundry. He *maybe* washes DSs tray once a week without me asking or yelling at him to get out of bed and do it in the morning. I pretty much have to ask him several times to take out the trash (but just as I was typing this- he did it! HA!), He does change our oils, but that's needed about once every 4-5 months, he does NOTHING with the lawn. He doesn't water it so he won't have to mow it, and now we have bare dirt in the front and in back (grrr).
When I started working from home 24 hours a week I asked him in our come-to-Jesus talk this summer he needed to do more, and if he could get all the toys back to the living room and somewhat put away every night that would help me out a lot. He never does it unless I nag. Like last night? I got off work at midnight and the house was a WRECK. I worked all day and then between my shifts we went to dinner with his parents and he just sat on the couch all day while steven destroyed the house. So I got to do it while he played video games after I worked until midnight and working 8 hours yesterday. I was kinda pissed, but honestly, when I nag it makes everything worse and then I get the silent treatment. He's also suppoed to sweep the floor under DS after dinner, but he does a halfass job and leaves crumbs or lets the dog take care of, but he doesn't do a good job either.
This is what I'm responsible for, working 24 hours a week (mostly weekends) and staying home all say with DS:
-vacuuming
-dusting
-cleaning bathrooms
- cleaning kitchen (and if I cook he usually helps me clean up)
-DSs laundry (and mine, of course)
- changing the beds
- cleaning and organizing, such as the pantry, fridge, etc
- any cooking
- all the grocery shopping
- and I end up picking up and cleaning the living room since DH never does it
So everything.
This is pretty much our only source of stress between us and it's so frustrating. I really REALLY want to hire a cleaning lady, but he would KILL me and make me take it out of my grocery budget.
I'm going to make a chore chart today, so he can see everything that I do vs what he does. I seriously think he doesn't think I do anything all day.
When he is home childcare is 50/50 (or maybe even 60/40 with him pulling more weight). He also does all outdoor chores, takes out the trash, and does all the dishes. We split bath time and bedtime.
I do the the rest of the cleaning, laundry (though I don't put his clothes away, I leave them folded next to his dresser), shopping, appointment making, cooking, bills/finances etc etc. I feel like we have things split fairly. We would argue a lot about cleaning before we settled on his big chore being all dish duty. Now that he's doing that it's such less stress for me that I'm happy. He's happy because he has one defined thing that he can do more or less on his own time, and he doesn't have to listen to me nagging him anymore
eta: I'll also say that a big help for me is that he basically has no standards as far as meals and cleaning, lol. Not that I don't, but if I happen to be falling behind for whatever reason I'm pretty sure he doesn't even notice. So in that way, I'm not a maid or personal chef. Those things for me are extras that I'll do if I can. I try to do them well because that's how I like the house to run, but I don't really have that "burden" to carry around, ykwim? As long as everyone is alive at the end of the day, we're good.
I voted 1, but I'm really between 1 & 2. DH travels quite a bit for work so I am usually home by myself 24/7 for extended periods of time and I *have* to do everything by myself.
When DH is around he does try to help out with DD more but because she doesn't see him a whole lot as it is, she prefers when I do most of her daily routine. When DH is around he does most of the grocery shopping (he likes to go with DD) and 99% of the cooking. Regardless of how many people are home, I do all the cleaning/laundry.
I'm also between 2 & 3. I try to do what I can, but I can't get it all done without his help. He helps with:
-Cooking about 50% of the time. But is loves to cook.
-Laundry (he does most of his own).
-Cleaning - On some weekends he will do things like vacuum the couch and clean the floors if I haven't had time to do it.
-DD: He almost always gives her a bath and sometimes reads her a story and puts her to bed. On the weekends we split taking care of her so each of us has a chance to do something on our own.
DH does all of the yardwork and most of the house maintenance stuff. I do all of the finances, always clean the kitchen, the majority of the cleaning, most of the diaper changing, most of the grocery shopping, and I always comb DD's hair after her bath.
ETA: The way I look at it is, when he is at work, I try to be "working" either by playing with DD, working out, or cooking/cleaning/etc. Whatever is leftover when he is home is split between the two of us. If he spent a lot of time relaxing on the couch while I was cleaning, I'd get pissed after a while.