xp: Reliving the nightmare (rainbow baby/surgery mentioned)

johnnys june · January 2012

Yesterday was my cerclage surgery. A 'minor' procedure compared to most. It went well and wasn't really all that bad. I'm recovering now but should only be down for a day and really, the doctor said as long as I'm not cramping really bad or bleeding heavily I can resume somewhat normal activities with pelvic rest and light duties.

Anywho, after the stitch was placed on my cervix my doctor did an ultrasound right there in the operating room and allowed me to see the stitch, my cervix, as well as baby.. Baby was moving around and I was so happy! Back in the recovery room I spent about an hour and a half trying to find the feeling in my feet again. As soon as I could walk and as long as my vitals were stable I could leave. Just before I was about to try to walk to see if we could go they said they needed to take baby's heartbeat one last time. I'm all for hearing baby's heartbeat (we bought a doppler because we're constantly nervous!). It took 4 nurses, several positions, and 15-20 minutes.......and still no heartbeat. I was calm for the first 10-15 minutes. Baby is still small and probably laying in the back. But in the back of my mind I started to relive every single moment leading up to Logan passing. The clicks and beeps of the NICU, the rise and fall of his heart rate. The doctor's telling me this was the end....and asking me if I wanted to hold him. I lost it. Apparently my face turned bright red from the stress and I just began balling. The nurses were all trying to comfort me and tell me the baby is just small, this happens. I wanted to scream at them that it NEVER takes me longer than 2-3 minutes to find the baby's heartbeat on my doppler at home and I've been finding the heartbeat since 8 1/2 weeks!!! They're doppler was crap and full of static anyways. Finally, after tears are streaming down my face and I can't even look at DH, they brought in the ultrasound machine. My baby and it's beautiful heartbeat was there wiggling away. I was relieved but still shaking. I couldn't stop reliving the moments just before Logan died in my arms when his heart rate was slowly dropping. When I finally got out of bed and DH helped me walk to the bathroom and get dressed, I nearly fell into him (still numb in my legs) and I lost it all over again. I was so scared for those 20-30 minutes and it completely exhausted my mental and emotional capacity to hold it together any longer.

On the way home, after a few moments of silence, I finally whispered to DH "at what point do we get to stop being scared? 1 year, 2 years, 5 years, 20 years?" He said he didn't know. But he understood what I was saying. We were completely exhausted for the rest of the evening from that short period of being terrified it was happening all over again.

I'm still reeling from it this morning.

Gizu92708 · January 2012

Hugs to you. I'm so glad LO was wiggling in there just letting you know "mommy look I'm ok"!

Cercamom2011 · January 2012

I'm glad everything is ok. The nurses had a terrible time finding my LO's hb after my cerclage, even when I told them where the baby was. I had mine at 16 weeks and knew where he was the whole time. Like you said, their dopplers are just awful.

Get some rest and try not to stress right now (especially while you are recovering).

Petunia844 · January 2012

Oh my God, I was literally not breathing through the end of reading that, I can't tell you how relieved I am for you. I'm so happy the surgery went well but SO SORRY you had to go through that. Big huge hugs.

magdalina.h · January 2012

Oh hunnie, that must have been terrifying!

I had a mini party when I hit 28w4d at 4:45 because I was officially one minute pregnant longer with Lucas than what I made with Aidan (born at 4:44). My anxiety went down a smidge. Well at 29w4d I had a regular appointment with a NST. My OB was out and a different one didn't like his results so without talking to me and explaining anything they sent me next door to the hospital. I went into a panic attack, started contracting and couldn't stop shaking because that was exactly what happened when we were sent to the hospital with Aidan. They got the contractions stopped, but I wasn't fully aware of what was going on because I was so terrified that we were going to have Lucas early. It took several nurses to calm me down and keep telling me that I wasn't going to have a baby that night.

I'm not really scared anymore, but my anxiety has skyrocketed!

karebear57 · January 2012

I am sooo sorry! That would scare the hell out of me too! I'm not sure that fear will ever go away tho. But yea instead of taking all that time looking for the hb with the doppler they should have just grabbed the machine. Didn't they know your your history? I would be kinda pissed they put you through that. I hope everything works and you get your rainbow baby!

pottermommy · January 2012

yesterday while they were looking for Gabriel's HB I held my breath...You would think being able to feel him move I wouldn't freak out but it is all part of PGAL.

You went through a very emotional experience yesterday, I am sorry you had such a difficult time but I am so so glad that baby is alright. And so are you.

NicoleD54 · January 2012

How scary. It seems like the nurses would have cued into your anxiety and tried the ultrasound right away after not finding the heartbeat with the doppler. I am glad the surgery went well though. Wishing you a speedy recovery.