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Attachment Parenting
luvmybaby28
member
tantrums are making me feel so confused - please help
luvmybaby28
member
my lo has a hard time leaving the park, beach, children's museum. Anywhere he is having fun. I love taking him to please places that he loves, but I dread leaving. I read "how to raise your spirited child" and it says that children under 2 have no concept of time so the timed warnings will not work, which they do not make anything better in my case.
I feel like his epic meltdown upon leaving is so upsetting for him that I should avoid going altogether. But he enjoys these places so much, and if I stayed home all day, there would be many tantrums as well, though not as extreme as leaving these places.
please help. I feel like I am setting him up to have a tantrum daily when I take him places, but I don't want him to miss out on the joy he experiences there. being a mama is HARD.
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Re: tantrums are making me feel so confused - please help
My oldest is most definitely a spirited child and I think it's BS that they don't understand the warnings, sure they may not understand in advance what 5 minutes or 2 minutes mean but when you use the warnings consistently they most certainly come to understand that it means you are preparing to wind something up and for both of my kids it has helped them to understand the concept of time, duration ect.
What I found worked best for my oldest, and resulted in almost zero tantrums regarding leaving activities (this system worked more like 75% of the time with my youngest who is throws tantrums at leaving places more than any other time).
Lets use for example a trip to the museum, I'd start the day before about talking about how we are going to the museum,we're going to get up tomorrow and have breakfast then take a nap (whatever your day looks like, just spell it out) and then we will go to the museum, DS what is the first thing you want to do when we get there? Wow that sounds like so much fun, I'm really looking forward to X. We'll probably have time for 5-6 things and then we'll take a break for lunch. Do you want to help me decide what we're taking for lunch?
After we eat our yummy lunch what is the first you think you want to look at. After lunch we'll be able to see/play XYZ for X amount of time and then it will be time to come back home. Besides just doing the timed warning let him know, " In 30 min we have to leave so lets start getting ready. What 3 things do you want to make sure we see before we leave?" Or at the park, how many more swings do you want before we go, 5, 10, 25?
Get him involved in the "wrapping up" process whatever it may be. As you go along with wrapping things up continue to give him warnings, be it minutes or how many swings he has left, scoops in the sandbox, ect. If you have things to pack up (the park or beach) don't do it while he happily and cluelessly plays, get him involved "ok who can get the stuff back in mama's bag the fastest, I bet I can" and then watch him race around (it's amazing how this competition one works).
Ask him if there is one special toy he wants to keep out to hold on the walk to the car, to play with in the car, whatever you allow and then get him focused on that. If he freaks out at any point remind him of whatever choices he made, you made the choice for X to be your last exibit, to have 5 more swings, to finish your sandcastle and now it is time to go home. Do you best to stay calm and lower your voice, almost to a wisper as you say " I know you're angry/frustrated/sad that we have to leave and I understand, it would be nice if we could stay all day but they won't let us sleep in the museum, the park ect ( you can make this funny, can you imagine sleeping in the museum, with no beds or blankets, wouldn't it get cold at the beach at night, wouldn't daddy wonder where his family went too?).
I find that getting my boys to take some ownership ( you decided), to help get ready (both to prior and leaving), giving them something special during the transition from activity to in the car (picking out a toy not to pack up, watching a movie in the car, hell when desperate I'll offer a small chocolate once they are buckled) and focusing on the fun of home ( for us this most often involves seeing daddy but if it's earlier in the day then I offer up something fun, jumping on the bed, playdough, cooking something).
Good luck, tantrums suck.
We used a stop watch that had three settings. When it beeped once there were 5 minutes left, 2 times there were three minutes left and then is just starts incessantly beeping like an alarm clock.
She didn't understand 5 minutes but she got the beeping and it gave her time to "hurry" and finish her last thing and understand that it was time to go.
I always gave her the watch when we had 10 mins left and it looked like a caribeener so I would clip it to her belt loop or bow on her pants shirt etc. We even named it. Well she did its name was Olivia...... Don't ask we also have a Gloria the Frog. We had a violet, a melody and a Lucy the hamster.....She likes aristocratic names lol.
thanks so much for all of the replies ladies, I definitely need to try some of these new things, maybe the stopwatch or hourglass could work, or a special toy to give him when we get in the car. I definitely will continue with the timed warnings, I agree that even though he does not understand the concept of time, he will eventually understand that every time I say it, that we will leave soon.
I actually tried the byebye thing the other day at the children's musuem, I kept trying to get him away from a shopping cart he was happily pushing around, for 30 minutes. I said byebye so many times. We finally really had to leave to get him back in time for his nap, so I picked him up and he FREAKED OUT, huge meltdown. I said, momma told you we had to say byebye and he SCREAMED byebye as he was tantruming and flailing in my arms
It's so, so hard isn't it? One of the things that helped me the most once I got consistent was realizing that he wasn't freaking out because he was scared, but that he was mad, mad, mad! It makes it so much easier for me to detach myself, stay calm and not let his emotion take over (because that surely sinks both our ships) when I realize that he's mad and he's got to learn how to process that.
I hope some of the new things for for him and at least you can take a deep breath and remind yourself that it is not just your kid
He is really teaching me how to be patient, calm, a better mama all around. Definitely staying detached from his emotions is hard, but something I am trying to do better and better. I start overanalyzing his tantrum thinking he is so upset and losing his trust in me because I am not staying where he wants to so badly stay, but the truth is he is just very mad, still hard though!
Something we do is I'll give her a 2 minute warning, at home we use a timer to signify when the time is up. We also do transition songs, I'll kneel next to her and say "Mommy is going to sing one song before we have to go- what do you want to sing?" She chooses and we sing our song. When it's over, we leave. She sometimes asks to sing another song and I offer to sing on the way to the car, etc. She has still throw fits, but we ALWAYS leave after the song is over. Now she's starting to get that it's more concrete.
ETA: Don't skip those activities! They're good for you and for him. Also, he won't remember the tantrum part as much as the fun. I remember taking E to a park all morning and it was HORRIBLE. I felt like a failure and was so exhausted. Two days later all she could talk about was the park and how much fun she had. Totally oblivious to the horror I went through, haha.
This is SO true. Last week we had to leave a play date early and skip lunch out because Lily was throwing a never ending tantrum (which she rarely does anymore). By the time we got home and were eating lunch, all she kept talking about was how much fun she had at the play date. LOL
OP- it does get better.
OP- You are not alone with this one.
We found out a few months ago DS has sensory issues. Everywhere we went was and can be such a HUGE ordeal. It helped once we figure out what was going on with DS. We were so lost and couldn't figure out why he would freak out
I think the things we have learned from DS therapist are great ideas that would work with most children.
We do social stories with DS. (Keep them simple) It will help prepare your child for where he is going and what is expect of your him. You could also use an egg timer so and let them know how much time they have left. (He will get use to the buzz and know it's time to go or end an activity)
Hang in there...it get better.