Frugal or mean?

Phantomgirl · January 2012

Frugal or mean?

BM has always been very frugal when it comes to SS. It drives DH absolutely crazy but in a way I have admired her at times. She NEVER over spends or splashes out on SS. She always buys his cloths a couple sizes to big so they last etc. At times SS has looked ridiculous because of it. Also she once asked me for the receipts to cloths I purchased because they fitted and she said it was a waste of money and she wanted to change them for the next size up. Also he seems to get everything second hand ? like the Wii for his last birthday. It was his cousins, who got an Xbox.

BM has a nice house, nice car and always looks well dressed, she has her hair highlighted and nails done. She is not extravagant by any means but takes good care of herself. Also she goes to the US twice a year (was there shopping in Dec 2011) and she goes on a of couple sun holidays each year. She also goes out to dinner and clubs ever week.

She works part time, claims social welfare and gets CS. Dh and I added it up before and she takes home more than I do each week. She also shares with her sister and she told me she is very lucky because they split all bills 50/50.

For Christmas she shops for Santa gifts, she gives DH the receipts and he pays half. This year she got SS a large lego set, small lego set and a football jersey. DH was annoyed as he thinks SS never gets anything cool and he refused to give her half. Instead we went out and bought SS a guitar, cloths, Converse boots he wanted ($100 here in Ireland), football paraphernalia, DVDs and books from us. She said SS was spoiled.

In a way I was not sure who I agreed with. I thought she bought to little BUT I thought we bought to much on top of it.

Anyhow, yesterday was SS 10^th birthday. I got a text from him to say ?Hi phantom this is SS I got a new phone XXX? . I was so excited for him and actually couldn?t believe it. I called him when I left work and BM answered. SS was at football training. I told her I was excited he got the phone and she told me that it is actually the phone she gave him 1.5 years ago when we took him abroad for our wedding. It is an old second hand phone of hers. She gave it to him for the 8 days so she could call him without having to call us every day. Anyhow she took it off him when he got home and yesterday she wrapped it up and gave it to him for his birthday.

I was a little shocked ? I mean come on???

She is not having a party and said he ?got enough? so for DH and I just to do dinner and cake. I told her I was planning to take him tomorrow to get a new bike but she said she is getting one from her sister for him.

SS is a very good kid, ?wants? for nothing and is really appreciative. He is very mannerly and always says thank you.

I can?t make up my mind if she is taking the right approach or wrong approach.

Thoughts?

Hopeforthebest · January 2012

My opinion, get what you want to get him for your house. She seems over the top to me but that is her business.

+j+k+ · January 2012

I think someone who takes a couple of sun holidays a year, goes out to eat a couple times a week, all while on welfare....can afford to spend a little more on her son. I gladly do without so my daughter can have. I get that she does get some things used, and buys larger clothes to make them last - I do that too. That's being frugal and smart with what you have, but I like to buy new things for DD so she has her own things and not all hand me downs.

But...as the PP said, it's her business.

socloudy99 · January 2012

The mean part is:

Being on welfare and only working part time but able to afford several vacations, highlights, nails done, and plenty of $ to spend on looks.

The frugal part is:

The phone being old. At 10 his chances of loosing/breaking the phone are high. Ask my 13 year old SD that got her 1st phone at 10 and is currently on her 5th phone. The Wii I can understand too. The next new thing will come out and he won't be interested. Somethings it also depends on how long it will last. All 3 SDs want uggs. Only the 16 year old has them so far because her feet are done growing and she can wear them for sometime. No way would I spend 150 on boots for 3 months of wear on the 10 year old since her feet will grow by next fall.

So that was the long way to say a little of both but I do agree with the old phone.

mariahcohen · January 2012

I think she is a bit selfish. I am all for being frugal...but it usually means I go without; not my kids. Esp at birthday and Holidays. He deserves some NEW things!

You should do what you want for his birthday and any time of year!

Littlejen22 · January 2012

My thoughts are she takes it too far especially since the money she is saving is all self-serving, it would be different to me if the money she was saving was going to pay bills or for his football, etc. I think that buying clothes a little big is one thing but buying them so they don't fit for another year or too is ridiculous, and I buy my kids 1/2 size big so that they don't outgrow them too quick. And I think that things like a WII is crazy to buy if you get get it as a hand-me-down, most other things too. But I would not give my kids a used gift if it is something I could buy new, like if it was too much money to buy new. I don't however see anything wrong with giving a 10yo a hand-me-down phone as a birthday present b/c I don't think 10yos need a phone and even if they do they do not need the latest and greatest.

fellesferie · January 2012

The part that sits a little badly with me is that she's basically given a large part of her income. It's not like she works for it.

If she were working really hard for all her income, I'd have more sympathy for her and understanding for spending money on luxuries like manicures and international travel.

Children certainly aren't owed extravagances, and I think a second-hand phone is ideal for a kid. But as a birthday present? That's a little far I think.

But she's obviously doing something right, as it's not easy to raise a child to want for nothing AND be polite and appreciative.

NativeNyer · January 2012

I was psyched because a lot of her ideas are pretty clever. That is, until the part where you detailed her splurging - on HERSELF. Yea she's frugal with him but it's to the point of selfishness. It's one thing to know that young kids can do without extravagant things, I get that. HOWEVER, to use it all for her gain is definitely mean. I really don't like her now.

MarSamWhitney · January 2012

I find it bizarre she splurges on herself but not her son. Isnt it usually the other way around? I agree w/ PP, take him out to get what you want for your house.

SueBear · January 2012

I don't really know if her approach is "right," or "wrong," - it's just her approach.

That doesn't mean it has to be your approach, and I REALLY don't think it is her place to tell you "what he has enough of," or what you should or should not buy or do for him. And I would not give her receipts to turn in clothes you have purchased for him that fit.

I buy clothes that my kids can wear through the year (so I buy them a little large in the beginning of the school year), but ALWAYS buying a size too big makes no sense to me - once the clothes fit, they are worn out! Again, that is MY approach, but I would not turn in receipts so that someone could return clothes that I purchased that fit so they could buy sizes larger than the correct size. If I were in your shoes, I would say "no, we prefer to buy clothes that fit correctly. I know like to buy loose, but we feel better when SD are wearing clothes with a proper fit."

I think you need to stop concerning yourself with what BM does, but at the same time, don't listen to her "advice" on how to handle your SS. It's great when both sides get along, but that doesn't mean that one parent should tell the parent what to do.

hopanka · January 2012

I think everything you posted about her is a smart and frugal way of doing things (the hand-me-downs, the clothes a little too big, not too many presents for Christmas).....except for one thing. I would NEVER give my child something used that was given to him before...and re-gift it as a birthday present. That is pretty cheap and mean, man. I don't mind giving a child a used phone (they'll break it or lose it anyway), but not as a birthday present. No way. Give him the old phone to play with, but also get him something new for his birthday. Sheesh!

J&A2008 · January 2012

I already think she's nutty for plenty of other reasons.

This approach is pretty extreme. I'm all for being frugal and conservative when it comes to holidays and gifts, but he's also her only child and you'd think she'd enjoy giving him things since it seems like she could afford to do a little more for him.

MrsBPO · January 2012

Way late especially since you updated, but honestly my concern is that she's teaching him the wrong values. She's giving him everything used, to teach him frugality, but she's spending on herself fairly liberally. SS is going to grow up, hit an age where he's earning money and he's going to go the opposite way. He'll know frugality because he was raised with it, but he'll have money and want to spend it on himself because he's never had his own, never had new, and will want to treat himself. (Or he'll be overly frugal and unwilling to part with a nickel on himself.)

I tend to overshop. Our office adopted a 13 year old girl. We bought a robe, slippers and a few other things, but all necessities and no "wants." One thing she wanted was a digital camera. I have two, including a spare that we bought when mine was "borrowed" once upon a time that I considered giving her. I asked the gal coordinating the program if it would be inappropriate to give it to her as a "non-Christmas present." I couldn't bring myself to do it, even after the "that would be great! She'd be so appreciative." from a couple co-workers and the coordinator. I bought her a new camera because mine was too outdated, imo. Gifts shouldn't be used and she deserved a new gift that was a "want" and not just "needs."

As a PP said, don't overcompensate but she's not on the right track either with her "strictly used" mentality.

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