Need Advice - (LONG!)

Karrotelle · January 2012

Ladies I need some advice. This is a long one, but you need the back story. Thanks in advance if you take the time to read and comment, I appreciate it.

I posted awhile ago that my best friend who has been dealing with infertility for 5 years, hasn't really spoken to me since I told her that I was pregnant. A lot of you ladies gave me some great advice about how I should/shouldn't deal with the situation. So, now I need your same great advice.

hings haven't gotten a lot better since that post. I have talked to her a few times since. She doesn't ask about the baby or inquire how things are going. Our conversations are strictly about everything BUT the "big elephant in the room" and we don't talk nearly as much as we used to.

My OTHER Best friend (We'll call her BFF#2) has also been dealing with infertility for the same length of time, 5 years. She recently went through their first round of IVF. It worked and she was pregnant but at their 8 week ultrasound there was a sac but no baby. She was understandably devastated. We all were. I knew I couldn't comfort her and I did what I could but I knew she didn't want to talk to or see me, as right now I'm just a reminder of what she's lost and she's been avoiding me and hasn't spoke to me.

My two BFF's have met each other a bunch of times. Both of them were in my wedding party, so we're close. My 1^st BFF asked if I thought it would be appropriate for her to reach out to BFF#2 and discuss their struggles together. I told her I thought that was an excellent idea, knowing I can't do that for either of them, I thought them having each other would be great for both of them.

I've emailed my BFF#2 since her loss telling her I think of her every day and I love her. She hasn't responded to me, at all. Yet this past week, I saw on Facebook that the two of them are talking back and forth. I have to admit, I was a little hurt. I know this is what I wanted, them to be support for each other, but I feel like the evil enemy now. They've started talking to each other and completely stopped talking to me. Neither of them speak to me and I feel ... I don't know... left out maybe? I just feel sad.

In the summer we made plans for the 3 of us to go on a Girls Weekend away. Last night my BFF#1 text'd me to ask about something random and I asked if she had heard from BFF#2. She said (and I quote) "Oh yeah we talked on the phone last night. She's doing as well as can be expected. Her and I are going away in February to a spa to drink and cry and pity ourselves". I didn't know what to say so I told her I thought that was great and then I started to cry.

I KNOW I can't relate, I know this and obviously me being on their weekend would defeat the purpose of the weekend, but I was really looking forward to seeing them both and having that weekend together and it's quite obvious I'm not invited nor wanted on it. I miss my best friends. When I suggested they talk I never thought that I was editing myself out of the picture.

My husband said that unfortunately there isn't anything I can do and sometimes people are part of lives for certain "stages" but for one reason or another they can't continue to the next "stage" in life with us. That just made me cry even more, though I think it's possible he's right. I don't want that to be the case though. I just don't know what else I can do. Do I just sit back and let things unfold as they may, or do I make an effort to keep in contact (as I have been) and even though they don't respond, keep trying? I just don't know.

Is anyone else going through the same thing? Any advice?Thanks for reading if you managed to read through it all. Embarrassed

venussapphire · January 2012

I'm honestly sorry you are going through this. I think your husband makes some good points.

Also...and I'm sure I will be flamed for this but oh well...it really grinds my gears when people can't be happy for you unless they are happy.

Like when I told my best friend i was pregnant and got little response, then no really interest. A couple months later she started showing interest and it made me really happy. I month later when we found out that she was preg I calculated back to when she showed interest in my pregnancy and it would have been when she found out she was also pregnant, and it really bummed me out.

If I was you I would probably just distance yourself from them. Maybe you will get close again in the future maybe not, but now obviously it isn't working. Hopefully one day you can be close friends again, but make the break and focus on being super happy that you are months away from meeting your baby.

Best of luck to you (((HUGS)))

LindsayAM3 · January 2012

It really seems like they are letting their own jealousy get in the way of their friendships with you. I am not downplaying how they must feel about not being able to get pregnant,but to treat you like to got pregnant to spite them or something is not ok. I have to agree with your husband. Sometimes it takes something like this to see who your true friends are. As much support as they need from their friends, you need it too. Its not easy everyday being pregnant and not having any friends to talk too makes it even harder. I know....my only BFF lives 1000 miles away. As hard as this is I would let them know that you have been trying to be there for them and the way you are being treated is not fair. I hope it works out for you, but if it doesn't you are probably better off. And their instant new BFF status wont last either. As soon as one does get pregnant the other will do the same as they are doing to you.

PregNerd · January 2012

I've never been in your situation, but I understand how it feels to be left out and excluded from friends.

I honestly think you are doing the right thing. They both have some issues that they need to work through, and it is a good thing they have found a good support system - you are a very good friend to both of them for connecting them. I do agree with PP that their newfound relationship likely won't last. You have made an effort to stay in touch, you let both of them know that you are thinking about them, that you care for them, and when they are ready, they will reach back.

Granted, they are being a bit selfish, but part of loving someone is taking the good with the bad. It can take time for the relationship to come back, but if it was a strong as it sounds, then this will not break it.

I think the other part of this, which I may be wrong on (and if so am sorry) is that you are feeling a bit isolated and are looking for close female friends who won't hate you for being pregnant. Prenatal yoga and childbirth classes might be a good place to find other women who will want to celebrate this special time with you and will be able to partially fill the gap your BFFs have temporarily left in your life.

GL

HeyThereGoodLookin · January 2012

I can understand how these women would find comfort in spending time with one another. I know when you're going through something difficult, even if you have many other supportive friends and family, it can help to talk to someone who has been there.

With that said, I would still feel hurt if I was in your shoes. Have you told them how you feel about it at all? I know that it's a very sensitive topic, and rightfully so. It's a tricky situation because you must know that it's been very difficult for them, but at the same time you just miss your friends. Of course, you haven't done anything wrong just by being pregnant.

I guess I don't have any wonderful advice, but I definitely feel for you. I don't think there's anything wrong with letting them know that you miss them.

Dani0602 · January 2012

This sucks. While you can never understand the feelings that they have, it's not fair that you also have feelings that they can't understand.

Perhaps because you are being so supportive, they don't realize they are alienating you. I would maybe try to plan something small with the two of them - just dinner out or a movie or something. This way you don't intrude on their weekend, but you can test whether or not they are really avoiding you or just going about their lives and not thinking anything of it.

If they seem to not make any effort in meeting up with you then your H might be right. Or, they might just need more time. People grieve differently, and that's what they are doing - grieving. So maybe they just aren't beyond that point where they can have a strong relationship with you and instead of harboring anger (or some other feeling) towards you, they are avoiding you.

Good Luck - and I hope that your relationships are mended.

acmayn01 · January 2012

I definitely feel for you in this difficult situation. It seems like they are not taking you or the value of your friendship into account at all right now, and that's terrible.

I tend to agree with your husband that perhaps these friendships might not be long term. I would encourage you to try to get together with them at least one more time and see how they respond to your invitation, but at the same time it might be good for you to seek out some more supportive friends who can be happy for you during this very exciting time.

I have a similar "friend" that I was once very, very close with and now we barely speak. Even after I announced my pregnancy on FB I didn't hear from her, but when I texted her to congratulate her on starting to build a house with her new DH, I heard back from her when she asked how long it took DH and I to conceive because they were thinking about trying. I definitely think she was a "stage of life" type of friend, and perhaps we'll reconnect one day but in all likelihood we won't, and I've come to be ok with that.

Good luck with this situation! I hope that you come across others that can be supportive and loving to you.

Nicolet3825 · January 2012

In my opinion, you are a very caring loving friend who deserves better. You cared enough to understand their situation and step back. If they really cared about you that much, they would be happy for you regardless of what is going on in their life even if they had to pretend to be happy. I agree with your husband that they just don't seem as though they were meant to be a part of your life for the long haul. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

giggles0918 · January 2012

I think the PP have some great advice as I would reach out to them one more time for a small get together like movie, dinner, etc. They may not realize they are doing this to you until they hear it from you.

If they don't reach out my guess is they will probably not be good friends again (if at all) until they are able to get PG and have kids. It's such a delicate topic a lot of way people deal with it is to not be around it as much as possible as much as it hurts.

Daisy22 · January 2012

Friends do come and go especially when you are in different stages of life. I do have a friend that has struggled to get pg for 5 years. We grew up together and I know she's there for me but we are not as close as we use to be. We have different things in our life and different struggles that the other person doesn't understand. Personally I would seek out some friends that are pg/same stage of life as you. Get involved in a prenatal fitness class or on your local bump mommy board. Once the baby is here get involved in mom groups and find supportive friends that know what you will be dealing with.

stelhe · January 2012

I'm sorry both of your friends are being so distant. One of my BFF's went through a very difficult period when she experienced 2 miscarriages and a failed IVF before finally conceiving her daughter. We live on opposite coasts so don't see each other very often but talk frequently and, during that time, she was pretty quiet. We never completely lost touch but it wasn't until a few years later when she was finally able to open up to me about that period in her life. The miscarriages and failed IVF left her depressed and in search of other women who could relate to what she was going through. I could be a supportive friend and listen but I've never been there and can't really know what she went through.

I do agree with other people that if these women truly cared about you and your friendship, they would at least let you know that while they are happy for you, they need time to cope with their own situation. I'd say, give them their space but remain open to talking if/when they get out of their current state of minds. Just be prepared for that to never happen and begin searching out friendships with other women who have children and can share in your joy. A true friend will come back and apologize for not being there when you needed her. If they just can't do that, then cherish the memories of your time together and realize just how lucky you are to have a supportive husband and a growing family. Good luck.

Davesgrl2011 · January 2012

I read all the advice and everyone gave really good advice. But I have one question for you: Why can't you talk to them about what is bothering you? That's what I would do. If you consider them best friends, I would talk to them seperately about how you are feeling. Call them up, go out to lunch, write a note, anything. I am sure they don't realize how hurt you are, and it might help them to comfort you instead of each other.

I would be completely honest and tell them everything you told us.

reyhan29mansur · January 2012

Davesgrl2011:
I read all the advice and everyone gave really good advice. But I have one question for you: Why can't you talk to them about what is bothering you? That's what I would do. If you consider them best friends, I would talk to them seperately about how you are feeling. Call them up, go out to lunch, write a note, anything. I am sure they don't realize how hurt you are, and it might help them to comfort you instead of each other.

I would be completely honest and tell them everything you told us.

I agree... I think you should drop them an e-mail or write a good old-fashioned letter about how you feel and how you miss them. And be completely honest, it's not as if they can talk to you less if they don't agree. Maybe they don't realize what they're doing, and how hurt you are. I also agree with the pp who said something about they can't be happy for you unless they're happy themselves. That's not fair, and you shouldn't be forced to not be excited about your baby and pregnancy, and to be all sad and mopey while with them. I understand they're going through a very difficult time, but this is a life-changing time for you, and if they're your true friends I think they can suck it up and be happy for you. Plus if they stop talking to you they'll miss out on your LO, which if you guys are really close like it seems, might make them feel a little better, having a baby to love on.

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