Scared to try again...but have to...

StephenandInelda · January 2012

This is my first entry and it was my first pregancy, my husband and I suffered a loss on December 5th, 6weeks along. We were devastated, in shock and disbelief that it happened. We kept our pregnancy a secret from family and friends, we were advised to wait until 12 weeks. I just got had my first period after the miscarriage and the doctor wants us to go for it, not wait. I'm soon turning 35 and very much want to be a mommy. I'm scared of what to expect the second time. If you are in a similar situation, please reach out and share your words of wisdom on keeping a level head and remaining positive and optimistic after lossing a part of you

keft514 · January 2012

Welcome to the board, and here is my only advice/thoughts.

1. grieve. however that is for you. for me, it is crying and being pretty blasted angry.

2. do something to bond with DH. that has helped me a lot. made me "feel" his support.

3. remember that having a m/c doesn't necessarily increase your chances of having another.

4. you loved that baby. you will love the next one. you don't have to forget.

(((HUGS)))

panacea05 · January 2012

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm terrified to try again, too, but somebody on this board once said that the best way to ensure that you'll never have a take-home baby is to never try for one. Sad but true--it's a risk we all have to take. Thank goodness we have each other to lean on. {hugs}

JellyTwoPointO · January 2012

Just because you're deemed physically ready doesn't mean you're emotionally ready. Be sure to give yourself the space you need to grieve and process your loss. Be careful to not replace this child you lost with another -- that's something my doctor warned me of and I was grateful for that wisdom. It's going to take some time and some days you may feel like you're going a bit crazy and a lot of people won't understand. But slowly, it WILL get better and while you'll never forget, you will be able to move forward.

GatorBaby2012 · January 2012

Welcome to the board and I'm so sorry for your loss. I echo what prior posters have advised. You will find comfort here and I hope your stay isn't too long.

[Deleted User] · January 2012

I'm very sorry for your loss, but welcome. I agree with PP, it is important for you to give yourself the time to grieve. Just because your body is healed and "ready", does not mean your mind is. If you don't feel ready to try for another baby, don't let your doctor or anyone else pressure you into trying again right away.

Remember that you can't replace your lost baby. Getting pregnant right away may seem like a great way to deal with the pain of a loss, but really, you have to let your self grieve this baby, and not try to "replace" your baby with another one. It's okay to feel sad for and miss the baby you lost, while still wanting another one. Grief and joy aren't mutually exclusive feelings.

Be gentle with yourself. Lurk on this board for a while, you will learn a ton about TTCAL that will help you feel better, I guarantee it.

((hugs)) and GL.

Toriables · January 2012

I don't have any words of wisdom, but I am so impressed by the bond that somehow is created out of our losses. I am comforted by the kindness of strangers on this board- that somehow, we all went through something similar and can truly understand what pregnancy loss is like.

Also, if you want to remain optimistic, lurk on the PGAL board. Stories of inspiration and take home babies bring happy tears!

T&P for you and I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope your stay here is short and sweet.

tashpede · January 2012

keft514:
Welcome to the board, and here is my only advice/thoughts.
1. grieve. however that is for you. for me, it is crying and being pretty blasted angry.
2. do something to bond with DH. that has helped me a lot. made me "feel" his support.
3. remember that having a m/c doesn't necessarily increase your chances of having another.
4. you loved that baby. you will love the next one. you don't have to forget.

(((HUGS)))

This. And more (((hugs)))

bananers · January 2012

You'll always be scared, but trying again is the only way to get your take home baby (well, unless you choose to adopt, but that comes with its own set of fears, ups and downs). In short, it's okay to be scared. You WILL be scared. And this next pregnancy will probably not be as blissfully naive as your last one (not calling you naive, but I think we all sort of had an "it won't happen to us" mentality the first time). But that's okay, and it's why boards like this and Pregnant After a Loss exist. This site is such an amazing support system, and one you probably won't find in real life, since you really can't understand what it's like unless you've been there.

All that said, if you still feel like you're grieving, consider taking another month or two. I understand the fear of "running out of time" due to age, but waiting a month or two isn't going to make a difference. You may not want to wait 5 more years, but your eggs won't suddenly dry up in the next couple months. If you need more time to grieve, by all means, take it!!

Huge ((hugs)) for you. I am so sorry you're going through this. I'm sorry any of us are here. But we are here for you, so please stick around and get the support you need, cry, get angry, vent, do what you need. We are here for you.

ecmleo · January 2012

I am so sorry for your loss. We all have feelings of being scared. I don't think that I am scared to try again (sad that we have to be trying again), but I know that I am going to be scared when we do get the next BFP. Be sure that you give yourself the time to grieve, and do not get mad at yourself if you fall apart. Just remember that you are not alone.

bluebonnetmeg · January 2012

keft514:

Welcome to the board, and here is my only advice/thoughts.

1. grieve. however that is for you. for me, it is crying and being pretty blasted angry.

2. do something to bond with DH. that has helped me a lot. made me "feel" his support.

3. remember that having a m/c doesn't necessarily increase your chances of having another.

4. you loved that baby. you will love the next one. you don't have to forget.

(((HUGS)))

This. ((hugs)) I am sorry for your loss. I hope you can find some comfort in being here.

LEP424 · January 2012

I'm so sorry for your loss. The previous posters have done an awesome job of advising you. Please know we are all here to support each other through a wide variety of emotions. Hugs!

maxsom · January 2012

I'm so sorry for your loss. Welcome to the board.

TTCAL is a scary road, but sadly it's the hand we've all been dealt. The fear is just something that comes with the territory, but you do need to make sure you're not only physically ready, but emotionally. Allow yourself the time you need to feel what you need to feel. *hugs*

StephenandInelda · January 2012

Thanks so much to all of you for the kind words of encouragement, it means a lot to know that there are others that can relate and understand your joy and sorrow.

We will try again, you are all right in suggesting we try when we're ready not when the doctor says so, to also take the time to heal.

AngnShaun · January 2012

keft514:

Welcome to the board, and here is my only advice/thoughts.

1. grieve. however that is for you. for me, it is crying and being pretty blasted angry.

2. do something to bond with DH. that has helped me a lot. made me "feel" his support.

3. remember that having a m/c doesn't necessarily increase your chances of having another.

4. you loved that baby. you will love the next one. you don't have to forget.

(((HUGS)))

This is great advice. Everyones journey is different. Im very sorry for your loss & Welcome to the board!

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