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March 2012 Moms
Sparks in training!
member
Can I just cry?!
Sparks in training!
member
Hi Eveyone.... I am feeling so alone right now! Darn hormones. lol
My husband is so not as involved as I wish he could be. He doesn't even keep track of how far along we are. He has bought NOTHING for baby other than pitching in for the crib (which i ordered and put together by myself).
It been really hard on me. My co-worker just had his baby 3 days ago. I want to cry after watching how amazing and involved he was. He had a baby bump tracker on his phone, pictures of all the work he did for the baby room, taking the car seat to the fire station, you name it.
I just hate that some of you have doting husbands that rub your feet, cook dinner and what not...while mine laughs at me when i cant get out the chair or stand up straight cause my back is hurting.
Sorry just wanted to vent. I just want to have a crying pitty party by myself right now. I mean, my co-worker is more involved than my husband. Wanting to make sure that he is listed on file should I need someone to pick up my DD from school.
This is my husbands first pregnancy and what not....
Just sucks for me cause my first pregnancy with my DD father was really bad and I guess I was looking forward to the dotting husband thing.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Can I just cry?!
Sounds like someone needs to wake up and smell the coffee!! I hope he comes around soon. He better. I am going to sound like a man hater (and I may very well be) but sometimes they are the way they are because we make excuses for them and allow them to continue their behavior. Maybe he just doesn't realize what you need from him?? Set that man straight!
I DID! I went off on him the other night! Asked him if he knew how far along we were... BIG FAIL. He tried to defend himself by saying that it is'nt time to start on the baby room just yet. Umm...when is?
I feel like a single mom all over again. Thankfully my daughter is 10 and she is just so amazing. She is the one who helped me move furniture and put together a crib! LOL.
I am sorry that you are going through this/ feeling this way. Remember, it's fine to cry!
I think some guys don't feel connected to the pregnancy sometimes. I think that some of them struggle with what is going on and don't really understand the needs that a pregnant woman can have. I have a friend at work who's DH was very similar, but he stepped up when the baby was born.
I would maybe try to talk to him about how you don't feel supported and need.want to. Maybe he is just unsure or freaked out about what to do?
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I agree with other posters that sometimes the men feel disconnected from the pregnancy and just don't get it. You might have to hit him over the head (literally or figuratively, take your pick) and tell him concretely what you need from him.
For your sake I hope he starts acting like a man very soon!
I think maybe you have a really high expectation of your husband. Honestly, my only expectation is that he go to work everyday, bring home a paycheck and pitch in when I ask him to. I can take care of pretty much everything else. It's like having the expectation that all men should bring you flowers or be over the top romantic. And seriously if you want him to be this doting husband and father then TALK TO HIM rather than just expect that he's going to be something he isn't. Not every man is going to be like your co-worker, in fact most probably aren't and I think women have this very unrealistic expectation that men are enamored with their baby as soon as mothers are, the truth is it takes time for men to understand how having a baby impacts them.
I am sure you have heard the old saying that a woman becomes a mother when she first finds out she's expecting and man becomes a father when he meets his baby for the first time. Perhaps, you should try and understand that rather than have the expectation that your husband is already in love with your baby, he probably has no idea what it's like and that doesn't make him insensitive it just makes him unaware.
And seriously, do you need to have your feet rubbed or all the other cliched shiit men are supposed to do for their pregnant wives? I mean the movies make it out to be something that all men are supposed to do and it's utterly ridiculous. I think so long as he's there providing financial support and to some extent help when you ask for it then nothing else in your relationship should be different. If he wasn't the doting husband before you got pregnant he likely won't be now (and nor should you really expect that of him because it's a little unfair, don't you think?)
Wait, we're supposed to have husbands that rub our feet and cook dinner? And laughing at us trying to get out of the chair isn't an option? Well, shoot, I might just have to trade up for a different model then because I've never gotten a foot rub while pregnant, nor has he ever cooked dinner the entire 6+ years we've been married (which I do count my lucky stars for
). Heck, the only way I can tell you how far along I am is to check my phone, and I go weeks without ever looking. Why should I think my husband would keep track?
My husband keeps money in our bank account, the roof over my head from falling apart, and helps out when I ask. What more does he need to do? We can't read their minds, and we shouldn't expect them to read ours. If you need something, say so.
Wow. Go to work and pitch in when asked? Sounds like a great partnership. What kind of teamwork is that?
I'm sorry your husband isn't taking more of an interest in your pregnancy. My husband couldn't tell you how far along I am but he is very excited for this baby. I don't get foot rubs but I do get back rubs. I do have to ask for them though. Sometimes men have a hard time understanding what we are going through. I think you really need to sit down and talk to him about how you are feeling. Just don't start yelling b/c he probably just blames your outburst on your hormones and doesn't think much of it. The one thing I would have been really upset about is that he didn't help with the nursery. You definitely shouldn't have had to do it all by yourself. That would have been the last straw for me.
I hope you are able to have a talk with your husband and he becomes a little more helpful and becomes a little more excited about this pregnancy.
As one (maybe the only) posting husband in this "club" - I agree but also disagree. Fact is - every person and every relationship is different. Some men have no idea what women want. That might be because they don't care to find out, weren't raised in an environment that fostered that kind of intimacy or whatever.
Some men might not be the way women want but are actively trying to learn how to better communicate and/or be better husbands/fathers.
Some men would benefit from good communication with their wives to get a clue.
Then there's me. And it's hard not to have any ego as I type this - but there are quite a few husband on here (and offline) who simply make me look/feel like the most amazing husband in the world regardless of whether or not my wife says I am. (She does sometimes
).
Personally, I am heavily invested in both my relationship with my wife and also our pregnancy. And yes - I said OUR pregnancy because while I acknowledge that she is carrying our daughter - we are both going through this together. As a team.
At the end of the day - any spouse that begins to keep "score" is going to wind up frustrated, pissed off and "losing" because people bring (or should bring) different things to the relationship. They won't always be "equal", at the same time in the relationship, etc. I believe relationships are all about mutual trust, honesty and communication. It's that simple or complex
My wife and I have maintained/even jokingly stated since the EPT said "Pregnant" that WE are a team. And if anything - it's us against the baby!
Not knowing exactly how far along you are is one thing, but to be totally ambivalent to the fact that a baby is coming, and soon, is sad! Now is the time to set up the nursery, and you know what, if it makes your wife feel better, you should do it.
Yes, I'm glad my husband goes to work and helps keep a roof over my head, but I work, too. I don't want to be married to some android that doesn't pitch it around the house, or rub my feet, or care how I am feeling during pregnancy. Sometimes, you do have to ask because men certainly cannot read minds.
It sounds like OP has done this, to no avail, and for that I feel sorry for you! Have yourself a good cry and I hope that once the baby is here, his heart/mind will change and he'll jump on board.
That, right there, is the key word. There are a lot of fights and hurt feelings that can be stopped with a little communication.
And extremely realistic one where i am not whining about my husband not rubbing my feet or being at my beck and call while I am carrying a baby. I am pregnant for god's sake not a freakin' invalid. Sorry but I don't fall for the over the moon romantic crap. I want a husband who is there for me when I need him, to do the things I need him to do. Work and take care of the things around the house that I ask him to do not anticipate every little fart I make. Seriously! Some men are more "in tune" with what women want but I find it ridiculous that just because a man doesn't bring me flowers or rub my belly or keep track of my bump on his phone it necessarily means he doesn't give a about me, this pregnancy or our son (or daughter). It's simply not true. My husband is a wonderful man and we work together very well. We are both very successful but we don't playcate or get whistful about the way things should be. We TALK when we expect a change in behavior. Because, gah, that's what a PARTNERSHIP is. Not expectation without communication.
And for what it's worth I've been married to my husband for six years, and I've known him for 10. He's an excellent husband and a terrific father. We have an understanding about what each of us expects and we expect no more and no less from one another. He knows that I appreciate what a hard working guy he is and he appreciates what a no nonsense woman I am (i.e. I am not going to ask for what I don't need and I DON'T need a foot massage from him to show me he cares).
So go on with your whiney selves and have the romantic notion that every man is going to be like the OP's co-worker or the gentleman who posted in this thread. They aren't and to expect that without communicating it is immature and irresponsible and you are only setting yourself up for depression and a lot harder work in your marriage/relationship than you need to.
Just to be clear - you and I are on the same page. I didn't mean to imply that because I am invested that we have some movie-like romantic relationship. Like you and your husband - we love each other and don't have unrealistic expectations of the other. It so happens I am romantic (actually I am more the romantic than my wife is) but I don't have unrealistic expectations of HER.
The only advice that's legit for such a subject is communication. Because only the OP and her spouse know what their relationship is, how it's worked, how it needs to work, etc.
It's nice that people want to offer advice on what to say and what to expect - but like I wrote earlier - every relationship is different.
I'll say it again- just because he isn't tracking your every pregnancy craving or how far along you are on his phone doesn't mean he doesn't care! If he flat out said "listen I don't care about you or this pregnancy or this baby" then we could talk. Him being there to put a roof over your head and sticking by you is all some men are capable of, particularly during pregnancy.
Just because a husband doesn't track all your stuff, anticipate every need you have or rub your feet without prompting doesn't mean he's a bad husband. Again, this goes back to having a simple conversation like an adult with your spouse or SO.
And furthermore, anyone who implied that my husband doesn't care about me because he doesn't dote on me the way husbands are "supposed to" is flat out wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong! It's insulting because you have no idea what my relationship with my husband is.
My entire point though was that to have the expection without communicating the expectation is utterly ridiculous. So again, you can whine and complain and be jealous about what other men do that your husband does not but where does that get you at the end of the day except more upset and more depressed.
Go put on your big girl panties and talk to him. It's really is that simple.
In our relationship, things like babies and pregnancies and child-rearing are things that I take the lead on. DH can take a best guess as to how far along I am, and he is pretty close. He usually knows what size the baby is, because that is something relatable to him. He makes dinner when he is home, because he likes to cook, not because I am pregnant. He is supportive, but if there is something we need to do, I need to tell him that. And if I don't communicate it to him but I am upset with something, or I need something, then that is on me.
Our bodies go through more changes during pregnancy than a man's will, ever, in his whole life. And while it seems very real to us, when we can feel the changes and tell there is a little person be-bopping around in there, it might not really "hit home" for the man right away, sometimes not until baby arrives.
I just think you should sit down with your husband and try to talk about how you are feeling and that you need support and you don't feel you are getting it. And honestly, I wouldn't lead off with "foot rubs and dinner" - start smaller, tell him that there is a lot of preparation that you would still like to get done and you need his help, make him feel needed and important in the equation. And maybe let him know that while it is funny that you wobble like a weeble, you would appreciate a little help along with his laughter next time you get stuck in a chair.
Yeah, pretty much all of this!
To the OP- I hope you can have a real conversation with your husband about your expectations because, I really feel like, that's the only way you are going to feel less jealous and more in control over the situation.
Just sucks for me cause my first pregnancy with my DD father was really bad and I guess I was looking forward to the dotting husband thing.
have you told him this. Some guys deal with things in a less mature way, pregnancy might make him uncomfortable so he jokes or acts immaturely. Maybe if you had a conversation, one that is not out of anger where you explain this to him he will try harder. Also try not to think that his behavior now directly corrolates to the kind of father he will be. He might slip into wonder dad mode the minute he sees the baby.
my husband is very involved but loses track of where we are, he just doesn't understand the weeks to months, also if the only time you have talked about it is when you were mad then he probably wasn't listening. He won't take what you feel into account if he is being attacked, he will blame you. If you tell him while calm he might be able to see what he is doing wrong not that you are just pregnant and angry.
Amen...I don't even know what to add, I'm just glad that I wasn't the only one annoyed by this!
I'm pretty sure I've repeated myself several times in this thread, so I will say it again one last time. She preceives he doesn't care because she isn't being doted on the way she thinks she should. Operative word in sentence is THINKS- she has failed miserably to communicate her wants/needs to him and this is where the problem is. NOT HIM- HER, and it's a fairly easy fix. All she has to do is grow up, put on her big girl panties and have a conversation about how she feels. If after that he's still an ass, well then yeah he's an ass but if she doesn't even BOTHER to talk to him then her feelings are pointless.
And now, I am done.
I do agree with the point of this. Our husbands and SOs are not mind readers. If you haven't said anything to him about whats going on, how is he supposed to know? You need to sit down with him and discuss how you feel.....not in an attacking way. Communication is very important! We all know this!